Could you be friends with someone who CIO?

[ChristyMarie]

Let's say you are very anti-CIO and your best friend who is pregnant with her first just announced to you she is pro-CIO and wants to buy "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child" and won't even consider reading your copy of the "no cry sleep solution" You got her to sort of agree to read any links you sent her (and believe me, I just sent her a TON) but you aren't sure she will really read them. She thinks you are weird for co-sleeping and holding your DS when he naps.

How do you stay friends?:

[nichole]

yes i would try. jmo.

i would set an example w/ your awesome parenting and not go to her house at nap times. just let her know it bothers you too much to listen to it. ppl have crazy ideas during pregnancy and change when the baby arrives anyway. you should give a sling too.

[ZenMamaJen]

Yes; I am, in fact.

It made me so sad to think about it; I think she had a little PPD and was convinced her ds wasn't getting any sleep and her ped told her to do CIO. That her ds "would still smile when he saw her in the morning." Ugh. She was really upset about it, but did it anyway. I wish I were more forceful in sharing my pro co-sleeping, non-CIO feelings, among other things (like anti-circ!! this one kills me, too), I don't know why I don't exactly. Anyway, that's another post.

I think it's great that you shared your view and resources with her. You never know what will happen. I would have been totally doing all that crap (CIO, circ, whatever) if I hadn't found MDC and Mothering mag before dd was conceived.

[NotTheOnlyOne]

of course I would be friends with them!! one of my very best friends is due on SUnday and if she chooses to go that route, it wont affect our friendship. I am not going to treat MY ds that way and if I babysit for her I will nto treat HER ds that way, but I am not letting go of a dear friend due to some bad choices she makes. Hopefully, since I had a baby first, I can lead her by example in that area. I have a better chance of "changing" her if I am still friends with her. I feel all cultish now so I am going to stop.

[425lisamarie]

Nope, and no way. To me it's a basic human value of life issue. I will say no more or defend that, either.

[thismama]

Nope, I lost a friendship with someone who did CIO. We were too judgmental of each other's parenting styles.

[moppity]

Probably, all the mothers in our playgroup did and I still see them all the time. My best friend has three children and has NEVER CIO...it would be weird to me if she did But I don't suppose I would lose the friendship over it, I would try and help them if they were doing it as a 'last resort' though.

[TabbyK]

Yes. Something that struck me is that you said she's currently pregnant. How many ideas did you have, knowing how you would do things, prior to childbirth that ended up flying out the window? "I just don't agree with co-sleeping" said the mom here who shares her bed half the night with her 4 yr old! LOL I could go on! I also know many people who theoretically have no issue with CIO but when it comes down to it, they surprise themselves because they just can't do it (guilty again). I understand that you're very opposed to CIO, but I wouldn't write her off - you never know what magic the act of mothering might work!

K.

[momuveight2B]

I would try but generally this is not the only difference over time so it becomes difficult and then we grow apart. I really do try to be tactful too and to keep my mouth shut.

[huskermommy]

i can be a female dog. that being said, i cant remain friends... its tough for me. i got into a heated blow up w/my cousin about circing and then dh and i talked and decided just not to talk to ppl about things like that anymore because you cant get thru the wall. its just too stressful to think about what the babies go thru.

[MommytoTwo]

I have Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and I never let my dd cio. Its actually a good reference book.

I do have a friend who is VERY pro - CIO and was doing it one night while we were all at her house (book club or something, I cant recall). It was so upsetting. She didnt even bat an eyelash but we were all trying to talk her out of it. Finally one girl got up and let her kid out of bed. lol Poor thing.

[Heffernhyphen]

Originally Posted by thismama

Nope, I lost a friendship with someone who did CIO. We were too judgmental of each other's parenting styles.

That's a key point here, I think. You are judging her and her choices. I agree with you that CIO is awful . . . in fact I just heard Dr. Sears on Dr. Phil's show today say that it is actually physically dangerous to the child because it raises blood pressure and can hinder oxygen-rich blood supply to precious growing brains.

Tell her your reasons, share with her why you think CIO is wrong, but if she chooses her own way, that's her choice. I certainly have enough people thinking I'm harming my DS by co-sleeping and nursing him at the ripe old age of three. Wouldn't it be terrible if they decided to dump me because of it?

[fico18]

I wouldn't let it ruin a friendship, but I would keep sending her stuff like you are and hope when her babe gets here that she will change her mind. I was kind of on the fence when I was preg. but EVERYTHING changed when my dd arrived; I could never let her CIO.

[WhaleinGaloshes]

I can be friends with people who have different ideas about parenting. How distressing it would be to me would probably depend on how hard-core CIO they were. I certainly have friends who let their kids cry more than I do.

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie

She thinks you are weird for co-sleeping and holding your DS when he naps.

This would be a bigger hurdle, potentially. If a friend truly thought I was weird and was really unaccepting about it, the friendship would definitely suffer.

[KsMum]

I can't do CIO on my dd, just could not stand it, but I have some great friends who are wonderful mothers that have tried it, some with great success, some that didn't have success and stopped.

[famousmockngbrd]

easy goer, you said it.

Also, people's opinions can and do change. I've changed since becoming a mama, I know that. So don't take it as her final word.

[vanessab23]

Originally Posted by TabbyK

Yes. Something that struck me is that you said she's currently pregnant. How many ideas did you have, knowing how you would do things, prior to childbirth that ended up flying out the window? "I just don't agree with co-sleeping" said the mom here who shares her bed half the night with her 4 yr old! LOL I could go on! I also know many people who theoretically have no issue with CIO but when it comes down to it, they surprise themselves because they just can't do it (guilty again). I understand that you're very opposed to CIO, but I wouldn't write her off - you never know what magic the act of mothering might work!

K.

:
I say, yes-- although for me it is (currently) hard now that my friends are starting to have babies.
I have 2 friend that may go down that road (and others I don't agree with) so I got them both subscriptions to mothering Hopefully they will learn something along the way. I just can't keep getting all worked up over our differing ways of parenting! :

Good luck!

[mommy2abigail]

Before I had dd, I was planning to CIO.: I just was very misinformed that that was the only way you could get a baby to sleep. And I was totally against co-sleeping. I thought it would ruin our marriage. Little did I know. I am so thankful for the girl in our birth class who spoke out against Babywise to me. Even though at the time, I was angry at her for being so harsh with me, especially in front of everyone. But it got me thinking. And reading. And researching. She brought in a Moby wrap, the first wrap I ever saw. She wrapped her nephew in it for us to see. I thought it was totally 'hippie' and wierd. Then I had dd and she wouldn't let me put her down. Luckily the website of where she bought the wrap stuck in my head, and I ordered one. So after my long post, my answer is yes, I would remain friends. My friends and I dont agree on everything. I disagree with lots of things, and CIO is one of them. However I have remained friends with two people who CIO, and now both are co-sleeping. With their almost 4 year olds. It's never too late! I also remain friends with people who believe spanking is ok. Not with those who abuse or beat their children. I do not believe my friends think that is what they are doing when they spank. Of course I 100% disagree with spanking, and they know that. But by remaining friends, we have come up with different ways of disciplining the kids. They would have continued to spank had they not had someone who taught them differently. HTH

[guestmama9915]

Yes.. or I wouldn't have any friends. But really, I wouldn't want to talk about it or be around it, but would try to remain friends.

[janerose]

My best friend CIO. She is a "in your crib in your own room" from the day her kids get home from the hospital kinda momma. Neither of her boys has ever slept in their bed. And I don't like coincidentally, part of it was she was never able to nurse laying down. If she had been able to I'm almost positive she would have ended up co-sleeping. But, she doesn't. She also doesn't do hours & hours of CIO though. I guess it's the Ferber method? Where you let them cry 10 min then go in to reassure them, let them cry 15 min then go in and reassure them, etc. She also circed her boys & spanks, which I totally disagree with. She knows my feelings on both subjects, and we've just agreed to disagree. On the plus side she natural births, selective/delayed vaxes, tries to do the whole NFL/healthy food thing, and breastfeeds.

We have been friends for over 20 years though, so there is a lot of history & inventment in the relationship. Honestly, if I was just getting to know someone & found out they CIO, circ, & spank I wouldn't immediatly cross them off the list, but I'd definitly give the friendship a second thought or two. Spanking is actually becoming a bigger issue for me than CIO to be honest.

Holly