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Would you ever consider being a surrogate? - Page 4

post #61 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starr View Post
I have a quick question, not trying to hijack or start a debate, but for those of you who feel you couldn't and that its too much like "playing God" do you also have the same view towards infertility treatments like IVF? Just curious.
Not that I think either are "Playing God", but I do have ethical problems with both things.:
post #62 of 178
I have seriously considered doing this for friends who have been unable to have a child (and who have been scammed twice in their quest to adopt.) Ultimately I think it's fear of what my family would think that holds me back.

For those that have issues with it - I don't see how it is any different than adoption. Are you also against adoption? I know some people ARE, and I know adopted kids often have issues, but I still think it's better than having kids be raised by a parent who doesn't feel able to care for them.
post #63 of 178
Yes.

If any of my brothers were gay - or my SIL was infertile, I would.

As many PP have said - I would need to be involved in the childs life to KNOW that it was well taken care of.
Bringing a child into the world (even if it is not genetically 'yours') requires a responsibility for that child.



Also - said person (unless it was my brother, and then I would donate the milk) would have to induce lactation and try to build that bond and health. (I would donate whatever I needed to for the first few years.)
Person would have to agree to no CIO, no circing, no aborting of multiple fetuses, and hopefully cosleeping.
Gentle disclipline as well.

Woo. Thinking about this too much.
post #64 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
For those that have issues with it - I don't see how it is any different than adoption. Are you also against adoption? I know some people ARE, and I know adopted kids often have issues, but I still think it's better than having kids be raised by a parent who doesn't feel able to care for them.
I have no problem with adoption. However I do wish it wasn't so expensive and so many people weren't taken advantage of in the process. I also feel that it is sad that babies of different ethinicities are different "prices". I also wish more people were willing to take a chance on older children rather than only wanting the babies. I realize that a lot of times older children have some issues, but they are still in need of loving homes and families (I used to work in a shelter, as a case worker, for abused and runaway teens--well, age 9 and up--it was a short term shelter and it was so sad that often our children would have to go to "child jail" because they had outlasted their time and no one was interested in adopting an older child).
post #65 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
For those that have issues with it - I don't see how it is any different than adoption. Are you also against adoption? I know some people ARE, and I know adopted kids often have issues, but I still think it's better than having kids be raised by a parent who doesn't feel able to care for them.
I have zero issues with adoption, and, in fact, the reason that i have issues with surrogacy is the fact that there are so many children in this world without permanent homes.

I don't really have issues with IVF, although I probably wouldn't do it myself. BUT, I have been lucky enough to not have had to make that decision.

I do think that women who are surrogates must be some of the most loving, giving people around and I certainly have nothing but positive thoughts for them.
post #66 of 178
Absolutely NOT. I hate being pregnant, would only do it if I wanted another child. I have a lot of empathy for infertile couples, but I ain't doin' it. All the money in the world would not be enough to carry a baby I couldn't keep.
post #67 of 178
I would, but only for my brother's wife. Maybe my sisters-in-law, and only if they requested it.

There's a pretty good blogroll at http://www.alittlepregnant.com with surrogacy stories, if you're interested in learning more.
post #68 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Susannah M View Post
What if the person/s for whom the woman was carrying the child was/were not paying anything (but medical expenses)? Curious to see if it still has the same feel for you ladies. Again, I am not trying to start any debates here!
Yes, then I probably have even more issues. Unless it's a close friend or a sister, but otherwise I'm very uncomfortable with surrogacy.
post #69 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
For those that have issues with it - I don't see how it is any different than adoption. Are you also against adoption?
I have huge, giant issues with adoption in its current form. I feel that too often women are coerced or shamed into giving up their children, forced by poverty, which would be much less of an issue if we had a decent social safety net. I feel that biological mamas and babies have a fundamental right to be together, and the culture needs to make certain that can happen.

If a bio-mama wants to give her child up for adoption, not becoz the other choices suck so badly and are scary, then I'm all for it.

And don't even get me started on people from wealthy nations adoption the children of those is less wealthy nations... oy.
post #70 of 178
No way. Its a huge process, painful for many women, and simply not something I could commit to doing.

While I can sort of understand the heartbreak that these families face (since I've never been there I have to guess based on my own fertility struggles) I couldn't do it.

I know its a personal decision but I'm not sure why people choose surrogacy over adoption.

*trying to say this as best I can without meaning to offend or upset anyone. But if I have please forgive me and help me to understand so I can correct it*
post #71 of 178
I would love to help people out by being a surrogate, but I also hate being pregnant. Absolutely hate it. I've thought about it before, but I really just wouldn't enjoy it and there's sooo much responsibility.
post #72 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlemizflava View Post
i could do it in a heart beat knowing how my aunt and uncle tried to have a baby and ended up going on a waiting list to adopt and waited 13 years to get a baby so i really feel the pain they went threw but i couldnt do it because i have struggled to have the 2 i have and i want more
My aunt & uncle, too, struggled, eventually adopted... had three still born, and 5 miscarriages.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RockStarMom View Post
I might, but never with my own egg, and the parents would have to be hardcore AP.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mylie View Post
1)...It was their egg and sperm...I couldn't give my own baby away.

2)They were good people.

3)They wouldn't mind me being a family friend after the birth.
: I feel the empathy and want to help, and maybe that's part of social conditioning... but it feels more like a sincere desire to Mother Many... if that makes sense... not that I want to mother the surro baby, but rather, lovingly desire that others be allowed to mother. (My best friend calls it my "come to the boob" approach to the world...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by mackysmama View Post
This is an interesting discussion. Both of my children were conceived using an anoymous sperm donor and we are grateful to this unknown man every second. Though, honestly, we don't think of him or his sperm very often. Are kids are just our kids. I would want to give the same gift to someone. I would donated my eggs because, for me, it's just giving someone a part they're missing or some DNA that they need. I would have a harder time being a surrogate, though I would do it for a friend or family member in need. It would be hard for me because, although I am done having children, I still think about having a 3rd and I get woosy and dreamy when I think about holding another newly birthed baby. But this is all for nothing because I'm considered too old to be an egg donor.

I am curious if those who aren't comfortable with the idea of donating eggs feel the same about donated sperm. It seems many people think differently about sperm. What about an anoymous versus known donor?
As a product of arteficial insemination, I feel ya!! I'd give back to the world, in the way I was given to the world...

Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I have huge, giant issues with adoption in its current form. I feel that too often women are coerced or shamed into giving up their children, forced by poverty, which would be much less of an issue if we had a decent social safety net. I feel that biological mamas and babies have a fundamental right to be together, and the culture needs to make certain that can happen.

If a bio-mama wants to give her child up for adoption, not becoz the other choices suck so badly and are scary, then I'm all for it.

And don't even get me started on people from wealthy nations adoption the children of those is less wealthy nations... oy.
This just made me really sad. Dh is an adopted kid, from Cambodia; his bio-mom's family was being marched out of Phnom Phen, with the rest of their village, during the Vietnam War; they were all afraid for their lives, and many of them died. His birth cert was written on scratch paper in pencil, and all the kids that were rescued that day were given the same birthday, regardless of what day they were born. His older brother is Vietnamese, he was born to a woman who was prostituting herself to GI's. She left him in a trash can. My favorite student EVER when I was teaching, was a little boy from China... he was left in a poverty stricken Chinese orphanage because an amneotic band had severed one of his legs below the knee; thus his family likely deemed him worthless; along with the hundreds of little girls that were there.

Anyway, I digress. I think I'd do the surrogate route; dh would be heartily against it... and fwiw, he also has misgivings re; adoption, since one of his adopted brothers (this one American) was born to a woman who used drugs throughout her pregnancy, and as he developed, it became obvious, and now their family does not know what to do about him after all the therapy and medication in the world.
post #73 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I have huge, giant issues with adoption in its current form. I feel that too often women are coerced or shamed into giving up their children, forced by poverty, which would be much less of an issue if we had a decent social safety net. I feel that biological mamas and babies have a fundamental right to be together, and the culture needs to make certain that can happen.

If a bio-mama wants to give her child up for adoption, not becoz the other choices suck so badly and are scary, then I'm all for it.

And don't even get me started on people from wealthy nations adoption the children of those is less wealthy nations... oy.
:

Though re: the last paragraph, I think sometimes that can be almost as bad even domestically. I've had a couple acquaintances (who were white and quite well-off) adopt via private adoption the children of poor minority women. While I put on a happy face for these folks and congratulate them, it makes me seriously uncomfortable and sad thinking about women in such a place that they feel they have to give up their child to people from the dominant culture...ack, you know what I mean, right?

And online and irl I have witnessed some "rants" from white, well-off women who want to adopt or have a surrogate carry their child that just really, really turn me off and appall me. I've personally been on the receiving end of "why did someone like YOU get to have a baby when *I* can't?" Because you know I'm so horribly undeserving of my child, and they deserve her! Argh, talk about triggering a mama bear response!
post #74 of 178
NO! A) I very strongly dislike being pregnant. B) It was hard enough to place my son for adoption. I just don't think I could go through it all again.
post #75 of 178
I thought about it. Before I had a baby. Pregnancy is too hard on me for me to do it for anything but the most personal and dire reasons.

I'd do it for my step-mom, or my sister if they needed it.

I do know of a family where their mother carried their baby (DD's egg and her DD's husband sperm). She had some serious issues afterwards. Post-partum. Anxiety over losing "her" baby. Etc. It was very hard on her. And her DD adopted their next baby - I imagine largely because it was just too huge to do again. To have that sort of stress in the family, and to even ask her mother go through that terrible wound again.

I might donate an egg. I would have been FAR more likely to do so before having children though. And I have straight out forbidden my husband to donate sperm. All his babies are MINE. I don't care how insane that sounds. If he needs to fertilize more, I'll go get this tubal ligation I just had undone!
post #76 of 178
I would not. I do not like being pregnant, so in all likelihood I would not do it even for someone I knew well.

A friend of mine lost an ovary during her first pregnancy, and had already lost the tube on the other side, so the only way she'll have another biological child is thru surrogacy. Her sister has offered to do it, should they proceed. I'm okay with that, because the sister would know and love the child, and would be doing it as an act of love and kindness.

But the whole idea of paid surrogacy between strangers squicks me out. I see the line between that and buying a black market baby as thin indeed.

On the other hand, I would donate eggs. Honestly, I would do that for free. I would donate embryos, too, if I had IVF or anything.

I agree that a baby carried by a surrogate, genetic relations or not, probably thinks of the surrogate as mommy, and from the baby's end of things it is no different from adoption.

If I was infertile, I doubt I would do IVF. I would, however, carry a child that was genetically unrelated to me, through donor eggs or embryos. I think that a genetic bond can be tenuous often times. On the other hand, carrying a baby under your heart for a year... that bond is undeniable, at least to me.

I also am troubled by the ethics -or should I say lack of ethics- surrounding both the infertility and adoption industries. It seems to me that people often are exploited, emotionally, financially, physically, etc.
post #77 of 178
NAK....

I was actually going to do a surrogacy, just getting started with a company, then got pg with #4 and had a hard pg. Awsome UC birth. The combo of hard pg and knowing thr IP's would [robably want me to birth in a hospital (either one makes me say no, toether its an adamant NO), just changed it all. I guess it wasn't meant to be.
post #78 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamao'two View Post
I know its a personal decision but I'm not sure why people choose surrogacy over adoption.

*trying to say this as best I can without meaning to offend or upset anyone. But if I have please forgive me and help me to understand so I can correct it*
My best friend lost one tube in an ectopic, remaining tube is prone to twisting, and has a bicornuate uterus. She had nine rounds of IVF and they were all unsuccessful. 7 of them resulted in miscarriage. She had 11 frozen embryos when she decided that she couldn't do it anymore.

She decided to adopt. She had 6 failed matches in 8 years time.

At this point, she had been trying to have a baby for 16 (yes, 16!) years. She decided to give up.

But her DH wanted to try just one more time. They decided to hire a surrogate and see if any of the 11 embryos would survive the thaw and could be implanted. Mind you, the embryos were 8 years old at this point.

Four survived the thaw and 2 implanted - she has healthy twins.
post #79 of 178
Wow what a great story!
post #80 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I have huge, giant issues with adoption in its current form. I feel that too often women are coerced or shamed into giving up their children, forced by poverty, which would be much less of an issue if we had a decent social safety net. I feel that biological mamas and babies have a fundamental right to be together, and the culture needs to make certain that can happen.

If a bio-mama wants to give her child up for adoption, not becoz the other choices suck so badly and are scary, then I'm all for it.

And don't even get me started on people from wealthy nations adoption the children of those is less wealthy nations... oy.
I'm really sorry you feel this way as I AM one of those people from a wealthy nation adopting a child from a less wealthy nation : It is things like these that make me want to leave here...
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