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Would you ever consider being a surrogate? - Page 5

post #81 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
:And online and irl I have witnessed some "rants" from white, well-off women who want to adopt or have a surrogate carry their child that just really, really turn me off and appall me. I've personally been on the receiving end of "why did someone like YOU get to have a baby when *I* can't?" Because you know I'm so horribly undeserving of my child, and they deserve her! Argh, talk about triggering a mama bear response!

I am one of those well-off white women that have ranted "Why can you have a baby and I can't" . It is not that we are horrible, evil people. I was just so desperate to have a baby. For over 6 years that is what my life revolved around. I remember feeling so horribly jealous of women who could have children. I thought it was so hiddeously unfair that a teenage girl who didn't want a baby, couldn't afford to feed or clothe the baby and didn't have any kind of support could have a baby, but I couldn't. Here I was married and able to care for a baby and had a great support system, etc, etc., but I couldn't have a baby. I didn't thnk anyone was undeserving of a child. I just wanted to know why I didn't deserve a child.

all I am saying is that those statements are coming from desperate women who are in the middle of their own personal hell. They are not trying to hurt anyone. They are just trying to make sense of their own situation. I wouldn't take it personally. I hope this makes sense.

I would definately be a surrogate!!!!!
post #82 of 178
Nope, I don't ever want to be PG again.
post #83 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zach'smom View Post

all I am saying is that those statements are coming from desperate women who are in the middle of their own personal hell. They are not trying to hurt anyone. They are just trying to make sense of their own situation. I wouldn't take it personally. I hope this makes sense.

I would definately be a surrogate!!!!!
I understand it at least a little bit becoz I thought I wouldn't be able to have children, and I remember the jealousy and sometimes hate I would feel for people who were pg or had babies. It's hard.

What sucks IMO is that the very valid and understandable feeling of jealousy gets mixed in with these culturally supported notions about who is 'deserving' and 'undeserving' of having children. And then this gets institutionalized in the form of coerced adoptions and lack of support for single mothers which creates very adversarial or even impossible conditions for not so privileged bio-mothers who want to keep our children. After all, there is a 'deserving' and 'better' family waiting for them, whose only fault was that they could not conceive naturally.

Make sense? Not to negate your feelings at all, but I worry about how this goes down in the culture.

On another note, I think teenage girls get pg unintentionally so frequently becoz that is the most biologically fertile time. In our culture we offput conceiving children in favour of 'waiting for stability,' but with that stability comes age and more frequent infertility. We have it backwards.
post #84 of 178
Yeah. Pretty much.

FTR although I look 15, I'm 26. Which is still "babies having babies" to some women in their 40s, I found out. And although I wear mostly second hand clothes and I take the bus or walk everywhere, her birth was covered by two insurance plans. So just because someone looks young and flaky doesn't mean they're not able to provide for the baby.
post #85 of 178
No. I couldn't do it.
post #86 of 178
Truthfully- no. I am not healthy enough to go through a pregnancy for another couple. I definitely wouldn't do it if they needed my eggs, to me, that child would be MY child and I would feel like I was giving her/him up. I know this all might sound selfish, but it's really how I feel.
post #87 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starr View Post
I'm really sorry you feel this way as I AM one of those people from a wealthy nation adopting a child from a less wealthy nation : It is things like these that make me want to leave here...
Thank you! Me too.

Personally, I feel there is a naivette that surrounds many westerners' perceptions of international adoption, and rescue (yes, rescue... my dh feels as tho he was rescued...). The same naivette is played into how surrogacy, invetro fert., and artificial insemination are received in the western culture.

There have been an unfortunate few cases where people used immoral methods (someone mentioned 'Black Market Babies') etc, but for the majority , the process is not one of malicious wealthy Americans swooping into poor, defenseless, underprivaledged countries and ripping suckling babes from the arms of their unwilling mothers. There are all kindsa terrible circumstances involved these children's separation from their bio-moms... does anyone really think there is evil involved in lifting that child up out of those circumstances into the loving arms of another mother?
post #88 of 178
I have seriously considered it, and have discussed it with Dh. One of my friends from high school had to have a kidney transplant and is now on anti-rejection meds. If she were to get preggy, she'd have to get off them, and it would be potentially life threatening for her.

I considered doing a surrogacy for them, using their own eggs and sperm, but in the end, I just can't say I trust her Dh. He's younger than she is, and in many many ways, much more immature. They're living paycheck to paycheck, and her Dh "spluges" every so often, sending them backwards financially. I just can't see handing over a child that I helped to create over to a family who is on quicksand a lot of the time.

The other big one for me is that once I hand the child over, I would have no control over how they treat the child. It would just KILL me to ever hear of any mental or physical abuse. Funny thing is, if my friend were to separate from her Dh, and was willing to be a single parent, I'd be her surragate no problem!
post #89 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post
does anyone really think there is evil involved in lifting that child up out of those circumstances into the loving arms of another mother?
I really do understand, and I don't intend to villianize western mothers who adopt children internationally. Individually I understand it can be a good thing for children. in many circumstances.

It's just the overview of it that I have a problem with. Many nations are desperately poor because of colonization, and because other nations (such as ours) hog more than their share of resources.

20% of the world's people have access to 80% of its resources, leaving 20% of the resources for the other 80% of the world's people. Does that seem fair to you?

So, in that context, many nations cannot afford to care for their children. And then people from the first world, wealthy nations, the colonizers, come in and take children via adoption. In doing so yes we ameliorate the living conditions of many children, but we also remove them from their extended family networks, their communities, their cultures.

I know mothers who have adopted their children internationally. They are good people who love their children, of course, as we all do. It's just the greater context of what is going on gets ignored, and I don't feel comfortable with that.
post #90 of 178
No, I think surrogacy is selfish, esp when there are so many babies and children that need homes right here in our country.
post #91 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommysusie View Post
No, I think surrogacy is selfish, esp when there are so many babies and children that need homes right here in our country.
By that logic it is selfish for any of us to want biological children.
post #92 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by PGNPORTLAND View Post
I could never do it. I could never give away a child that came out of my body no matter whose eggs and sperm it was. That said, I think it's a wonderful, selfless, giving thing to do for those who can.
Well said. I loved being pregnant but I just couldn't go through a pregnancy without getting attached to the baby. And I couldn't give up a baby who I was attached to.
post #93 of 178
I would.

In fact I have, 2 times now.
post #94 of 178
No. It would break me to have to part with a baby I carried.
post #95 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I have huge, giant issues with adoption in its current form. I feel that too often women are coerced or shamed into giving up their children, forced by poverty, which would be much less of an issue if we had a decent social safety net. I feel that biological mamas and babies have a fundamental right to be together, and the culture needs to make certain that can happen.
ITA
post #96 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by gsmama2 View Post
I also nursed the second set of twins for two weeks and pumped for 13.
WOW! How did this work? If you don't mind my asking that is? This intrigues me! :

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommysusie
No, I think surrogacy is selfish, esp when there are so many babies and children that need homes right here in our country.
WOW!! Thats so judgemental! And thats coming from someone who is blessed with biological children herself, I presume? Why then did you not adopt? Would that have been less selfish of you?
OK Im not trying to be a bitch, but at least look at it from another angle would ya?







That all said..... I have been weighing this recently.
DH & I discussed this & decided I should NOT be a surro (mainly for health issues, difficuly PGs, 1 previous c-sect., but also for stress & family reasons)
After reading this thread though, I realise I also could not go through with it, unless it was someone close to me (a sister) and I could share in the responsibility & be a part of the child's 'village' so to speak.

We are however still concidering egg donations. I would LOVE to hear from those that have done this. Both with good stories or not so good.
Post or feel free to PM or Email me Please. Id be most appreciative!
post #97 of 178
Absolutely never. (But I don't think I want to get pg again for my own children either!)

But I agree with "it would break me to give up a baby I carried." I would see it as MY baby. I know I would be one of those horror stories you read about where I decide in the end that I need to keep the baby. I just.... I couldn't do it. I couldn't give the baby away.
post #98 of 178
I'm just so glad my good friend is not reading this thread :

Her son was born still this fall.

She never saw him open his eyes, she was never able to hold him to her aching breasts and see the way her delicious milk seemed to reach him all the way down to his toes as his eyes rolled back in absolute ecstasy as he grew and nursed on her perfect milk.

She never thought to look at his penis, the penis that would never be circ-ed, the penis that would never be retracted. Or his teeny bum that woke her from deep sleep so many times.

She was never able to put his lil' body in her new sling. The sling she picked out for him. To have him cradled and warm against her body as she read books to her 5 yr old who loved him oh so much.

She was never able to hear him cry. Never ever, and she will never hear it. And she missed out on snuggling in the bed w/her daughter and her son and feeling that there could be no more perfect feeling in all of the world!

Yet, she is UA selfish because when her son died, her uterus died too. She started hemorraging and almost died but she wanted to live for her husband and her daughter. Even though with the intense grief it would have been easier to let go, to die, she wanted to live. She wanted life.

But, let's all jump on the bandwagon and judge her. Obviously for her considering a surrogacy to bring her child into the world. A pregnancy that will bring up so much raw emotions and so much healing, we should judge her.

I wonder how many of you (w/quite a few kiddos in your sig, congratulations) would feel if this was your life. And not only could you never birth a baby, but people judged you for your choices.
post #99 of 178
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommysusie View Post
No, I think surrogacy is selfish, esp when there are so many babies and children that need homes right here in our country.
If thats the case I would be happy to give you info on starting the adoption process- domestically of course!
post #100 of 178
I considered it at one time but the more I thought about it, read about it, and talked about it, the more I realized how TOTALLY wrong it would be. Here are a few of my reasons:
There are too many homeless unwanted children in the world that need homes.
It is a waste of money that could be used for other more important things (like improving other people's lives).
My uterus is not something to be rented out, it would be very disrespectful to my body.
I could NEVER hand over my child, I am VERY attached to my eggs (the few I have).
To carry someone else's stuff just creeps me out to no end.
I have 24/7/280 day sickness and to not get a baby at the end wouldn't make it worth it.
I don't want to be injected with hormones of questionable creation and content.
I've had three c-sections and a uterine rupture, any more babies I will carry will be MINE and ONLY mine. :
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