Over 40 Parents w/small kids, Retirement, and Family Planning

[lisac77]

I'm 29 and my husband is 46. We had our son when I was 25 and he was 42. I had always planned on having a second child about three years after my first. Unfortunately DH bought a business when DS was 18 months old and has been working there 7 days a week, 12-16 hours a day ever since. I work full time and I am barely making it caring for DS all day before work and all night, so I decided that I wouldn't even consider having another child until DH had sold the business or was working normal hours.

Well now it looks like we are going to lose the business and end up declaring bankruptcy due to the business debt. We will also lose a substantial amount of cash that was essentially DH's retirement fund. So we are facing a situation where DH is 46 and has only a few thousand dollars in an IRA for his retirement.

Now I am questioning the decision to even have another child. DH will be in his 60s when DS goes to college, and in his 70s when he (DS) is at an age when most people have very young children or are starting their families. I worry about potentially saddling a young family with elder care. I am so much younger than DH that it will probably not be an issue, but you never know.

It just seems irresponsible to me, especially in light of the fact that my own father is almost 60 with no retirement and my siblings and I may face elder care without significant financial help in the near future. All my attempts to get my dad to invest in disability insurance and long term care insurance have fallen on deaf ears. DH lacks the ability to forward think in this way as well. He is convinced that nothing will happen to him and if something does happen, then nobody will take care of him (no, I don't understand it either).

So what are other people's thoughts on this? Do you have retirment funds? Anyone an over 40 parent having kids? Curious minds want to know.

ETA: I also am worried that having another baby will impede our efforts in saving for DH's retirement. We both WOH, and I am the primary breadwinner, so being a SAHM is not an option for me. Childcare is so expensive and covers so many years, I worry that it will take away from any money we'd be able to set aside for retirement.

[Justmee]

Just wanted to send you a

I can't give first hand advice, we don't have much savings but we have 3 beautiful children. I'm not going to drive myself nuts with what could be in years time. I would never *not* have a child just because of money issues (unless I couldn't provide basic food / shelter / etc).

You said you are the main breadwinner, it's possible you could work many years into dh's retirement. I would think that would put off some of the financial preasure. Is your dh suited to a SAHD? Would it be possible for you to work from home / freelancing in your field? What are the prospects of dh getting another job?

I have to say that my dad is almost 67, in great health, and can easily keep up with my 2 three year olds and an 18 month old (we have been staying with them a lot lately). He was working until he was layed off a few months ago, and he's been activly looking for another job since then. I don't believe he's having any more trouble finding a job than a 40 year old.

Good luck with everything

[lisac77]

Originally Posted by RachelEve14

Just wanted to send you a

Thanks!

I can't give first hand advice, we don't have much savings but we have 3 beautiful children. I'm not going to drive myself nuts with what could be in years time. I would never *not* have a child just because of money issues (unless I couldn't provide basic food / shelter / etc).

You said you are the main breadwinner, it's possible you could work many years into dh's retirement. I would think that would put off some of the financial preasure. Is your dh suited to a SAHD? Would it be possible for you to work from home / freelancing in your field? What are the prospects of dh getting another job?

He does not want to SAH. Likewise he does not want any children we have in daycare, so we are looking more at nannies which are so very, very expensive. We have one now and it is killing us financially.

There are no WAH possibilities in my company at this time and I would not WAH without childcare... I don't do well dividing myself that way.

As for DH's job prospects... I have no idea if he can even get a job anytime soon. I am pretty angry with him over quitting the job he had to work at this business. It was an excellent job with fabulous hours, great benefits, and decent pay. I hope he can get a job like that again.

I have to say that my dad is almost 67, in great health, and can easily keep up with my 2 three year olds and an 18 month old (we have been staying with them a lot lately). He was working until he was layed off a few months ago, and he's been activly looking for another job since then. I don't believe he's having any more trouble finding a job than a 40 year old.

Good luck with everything

My dad is generally in good health, but we had a scare last year when they removed a huge benign tumor from his stomach. That was kind of a wake up call for us... you never know what can happen! I hope that I will be able to work for a long time after he retires but you never know.

I grew up poor so making sure my children are well cared for financially is very, very important to me! Right now I know that I can't provide for excellent childcare for two kids, so I only have one, but I'm worried about the future, too. Sometimes I wish I could SAH and have more kids, but it's just not possible in our case as DH is essentially unemployed and has been for the last two years (he didn't make any money at the business).

[magpie mamma]

I don't have any answers either, but we fit the 40 plus parent role. I had DD1 at 40 and DD2 at 46, DH is two years older than I. We both work, me part time (20 hours) and I know about the high cost of daycare. We are saving for retirement and not sure how it is all going to go down with retirement, college, etc hitting at the same time but we will do our best. With an older daughter, I know it does get easier and cheaper when they are in school. We opted for public school, no home schooling. I don't have any advice but we are an example of late parenting and given the choice between that and no children, I'd be here in a heartbeat. I figure there are no guarentees in life so I am going to make the choices my heart tells me are right for us. Good luck!

[velochic]

I am 36 and dh is about to turn 51. We have a dd who will turn 5 in Feb. He and I are both very frugal, savings-loving people. When I was working, I contributed to my 401(k). I was a programmer/analyst and I made a very, very good salary. It was hard giving up that much money when I quit. Dh is a tenured university professor, so he has a 403(b) and a secure job (which factored into my decision to quit). Both of us, from a young age, have been savers and we have put back what a lot of people would consider huge amounts of money. We are both set for retirement. That has always been a priority for us where finances are concerned. Bottom line is that you can't "borrow" to retire. The money has to be there in cold hard cash. If you don't have enough, you don't retire. Period. I realize that a lot of people don't think about retirement when they are young and planning a family, but it has to seriously factor into decisions when you're older. Sounds like it's a concern for you with the recent developments with your dh's business. It would worry me, too.

Family planning... we decided before dd was even conceived to have just one baby. Partly because of dh's age, but mostly because I never wanted kids. After having dd, I wanted another (funny how motherhood can be so addictive!!) but dh nixed the idea because of his age and... yes, because of retirement. He didn't want to have children in high school and contemplating the possibility of retiring at the same time.

Seriously, we've just been very careful with money... we do not have debt, just a mortgage that we could easily pay off at any time. I guess you could say I'm already retired, although I just took a part-time work-from-home job with the state department of health as breastfeeding coordinator. Dh could retire anytime he wanted to, but he loves academia (well, research anyway), and will probably work at the university until they kick him out the door. But because we put retirement way up on the priority list, he can retire when he wants to.

I don't think much about dd having to take care of us. My dh is from Turkey and taking care of your own is just how they were raised. It's how I was raised, too. His mother took care of her mother in her dotage. His sister took care of their mom (Parkinson's) and he would have too, if he had not immigrated to the US. My mother took care of her father in the years leading up to his death. He lived with us. My mother lives with us and we care for her now. I think dd would be more than happy to care for either of us because she is being raised that it is normal to care for your loved-ones.

I guess I might be rambling here. Dd is sick and I'm up in the middle of the night worried about her fever. Guess that's another reason not to have kids when you're older... too much work.



I do think about the age difference. Dh is also type2 diabetic. But financially, our savings is sufficient that if anything happened to him, I'd be fine. I would possibly try to go back to work, but my field moves fast and I may be behind times already.

I think there are a lot of things to consider when you are older. I really hate reading about younger people here making horrible mistakes like borrowing from a 401(k) or worse yet, cashing it out. I think your husband's risk was a calculated risk. I hate to see you guys lose the business. It means you're going to have a lot of catch-up on retirement, but you can do it!

[lisac77]

Originally Posted by velochic

I am 36 and dh is about to turn 51. We have a dd who will turn 5 in Feb. He and I are both very frugal, savings-loving people. When I was working, I contributed to my 401(k). I was a programmer/analyst and I made a very, very good salary.

Well this is one area where we really don't have to worry... my retirement is pretty much taken care of through my contributions and my company contributions. I have enough money in my 401K now to probably pay for my retirement in whole, although I am still contributing so that I get the company match, which is substantial. So I'm taken care of.

DH decided to put his business first over his retirement, but I think this was more of an "ignoring retirement" thing than it was a plan.

Family planning... we decided before dd was even conceived to have just one baby. Partly because of dh's age, but mostly because I never wanted kids. After having dd, I wanted another (funny how motherhood can be so addictive!!) but dh nixed the idea because of his age and... yes, because of retirement. He didn't want to have children in high school and contemplating the possibility of retiring at the same time.

Yeah if we had another child we'd be facing just that... DH would be 64 or 65 when that baby would graduate from high school.

Seriously, we've just been very careful with money... we do not have debt, just a mortgage that we could easily pay off at any time.

Yeah this was us before the business. Let me just put it in these terms... the money we're losing would have paid off our house. It's a lot and I understand his hesitation about letting it go.

I don't think much about dd having to take care of us.

My concern is not so much about DS taking care of us, it's about giving him the resources to care for us when the time comes. My grandmother is in a nursing home right now due to Parkinson's disease and dementia. The social workers told my mom that we could keep her at home, but only if we had someone to watch her 24 hours a day. My mom was unable to afford private, at home care for her, so she had to go to a nursing home. It's been hell for my mom, having to deal with the nursing home, but it's all she can do. I don't want my DS to have to face that! I want to have enough savings that he can choose to care for us at home if he needs to.

I think there are a lot of things to consider when you are older. I really hate reading about younger people here making horrible mistakes like borrowing from a 401(k) or worse yet, cashing it out. I think your husband's risk was a calculated risk. I hate to see you guys lose the business. It means you're going to have a lot of catch-up on retirement, but you can do it!

It was a calculated risk, and unfortunately the "calculated" part is coming true for us now. It's not set in stone at the moment, but I am convinced that letting the business go is the prudent thing to do in this situation.

In my mind, retirement is one of the most important things to plan for. It affects your whole life, really.

[Herausgeber]

Lisa, i don't have the age gap issue, but i do sympathize. i think i want another child in 3-5 years, but it depends on how much i can improve my own earnings. i'm partnered, but i am not comfortable having more children than i can afford to support on my own on top of saving for my retirement.

[mamasaurus]

Originally Posted by lisac77

Likewise he does not want any children we have in daycare, so we are looking more at nannies which are so very, very expensive. We have one now and it is killing us financially.

We have had nannies for the past 4 years, and I completely understand the cost. I would like to recommend a nanny-share. Google it and you will find resources on how to go about setting up such an arrangement. Basically, if you can find another family who is similiar enough to you in childcare philosophy, child-rearing ideas, needs of days/times, etc., it IS a viable option.

The nanny usually makes more, and the families each pay less. So, it can be a win-win situation for everyone.