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Problem Step-Son - Page 2

post #21 of 22
A counselor should have referred you to a psychologist in order to have him evaluated. I'm surprised this has not happened. When there are issues from that young of an age, there is usually a diagnosis that could help in terms of finding the right strategies for dealing with him. Possibly even meds.

Along with an evaluation, ongoing counseling for Kaleb may or may not be helpful -- it might be a good thing, but you should not expect a whole lot of disclosure from the counselor. Her/his job would be to listen to Kaleb and to respect his privacy/confidentiality. (There is a difference between going to a counselor for consultationg -- asking for advice -- and putting a child in counseling because you think he might benefit from the process and having someone to talk to.) This is why you get the vauge answers. OTOH, a clinical evaluation would be something that could be shared with YOU to give you some solid information.

Family counseling is a good idea, but also counseling for just YOU might be a great thing -- think of it as taking care of yourself. You need support. You need a sounding board. You deserve some speical TLC -- and a counselor could provide you with that, and also help with parenting strategies that fit your step son's needs.
post #22 of 22
Our "step"-mothering roles are somewhat similar. My dss's mother abandoned him at 18 months...though she is still in and out of his life whenever she pleases (every 5 months or more). My dss (whom I refer to as my son IRL) has been suffering and has caused me much suffering since he was about 2. It's been so very draining. He was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression....he's FIVE! It's just as much DH and my fault as it is his bio-moms. My advice comes from my experience.

I used to see my son as a "problem" child. What I discovered in therapy is that mothering my son triggered so many emotions regarding my relationship with my own mother. I have since worked through those emotions in weekly therapy and we also see a couselor as a family and another counselor for my DH and I together. It's been life-changing...or should I saw life-saving. I got that hatred, angst, anger, frustration out of my heart (though here and there it creeps in but I now have the tools to work with them).

I see my son with different eyes today. I see my own daughters with different eyes too. I/We didn't get any of this help until I realized that my son was not the problem, that my unresolved grief from the way I was raised was the real problem.

Two books changed the way I view all my children, particularly my son...

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves and Connection Parenting


Connection Parenting has a great line that goes somewhat like this:
It takes the same amount of time to fix the bad behaviors that arise when a child's needs aren't met as it does to meet those needs in the first place.

So, from my own experience and because I could have written a post similar to yours before therapy, I suggest therapy....individual, marriage and family.

Treat your son the way you would want to be treated if your mother abandoned you. Get him a good counselor right away because he is really hurting inside.
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