anyone with both adopted/bio kids?

[megs4413]

we're considering adopting in the future (had always thought we woudl adopt) and have two bio children (well one and one in the oven). I'm wondering how a "blended" family works. maybe it doesn't work? we have time to think about it, but until i'd had my own children, i never gave it a thought, but now i'm thinking maybe it's unfair to have bio kids and adopted children? can a blended family be successful? anyone in this situation?

[Stevie]

I have both adopted and bio. My ODS is 30 and my "babies" are 6 and 3, so they've never lived in the same house.
I did have one friend (she moved away) who had 3 bios and one adopted, all very close in age. Seemed to be working for them

[annethcz]

We have both adopted and bio children. Sure, we have challenges in our family- most families do

I'm not sure why you think it would be unfair to have both bio and adopted children. Who is it unfair to? Unfair to the adopted kids? Unfair to the bio kids? Unfair to everyone all around?

I'm also unsure about how you're defining 'successful family.' We're just a family- mom and dad and some kids. We all love each other, and care for each other. There are MANY differences between my children, not just biology- they have different personalities, different learning styles, different preferences, different ways of expressing their feelings, different ways of dealing with conflict, different ways of relating to each other. But we enjoy each other's company, and generally feel that we have a very happy, emotionally healthy family.

For the record, I have a couple of friends who were adopted and raised in families in which there were both bio and adopted kids. As far as I know, my friends are happy, emotionally-healthy adults who are active in their communities and have successful careers and family lives.

[queenjane]

I havent adopted yet but i have a 10 yr old bio son. I will probably be matched with a child near his age. I think its really common for people who adopt, esp those who adopt from the foster care system, to also have bio children. I don't know why it would be "unfair"...unfair to the adopted child, or to the bio child? I think my son will be happy he's getting a brother, regardless of how that child came to be so, and i hope the child who is adopted will be happy to have a permanent family.


Katherine

[RedOakMomma]

We have three bio sons (5, 5, and almost 1) and we're in the process of adopting a baby girl from Korea. A lot of families who have adopted have both bio and adopted children.

I think I get what you mean about being "unfair." I've wondered sometimes if it's going to be a little tough on our daughter to be, not just the only daughter, but the only Korean-American and the only adopted sibling. If I could, I would love to adopt twice and make a little of that "different-ness" less of an issue. Still, I think we'll all be fine.

I don't think differences are something to be dismissed, but I think whether or not those differences are something shared by your siblings isn't that great of an issue. Siblings are siblings...I don't think our sons will care one bit that our daughter looks different or arrived on a plane instead of coming home from the hospital.

Good luck with your decision, and congrats on your baby-to-be!

[pumpkingirl71]

Blended families do have their own set of issues. But if you meet those issues head on, you will be fine

For me, bonding was harder with my adopted daughter who came home at 23 months. I had always assumed that since I put no stock in biology, bonding would be easy. Then bring in a tantrum-y two year old who wanted either no part of me or to be glued to me depending on her mood. It is hard to not favor the child you have a stronger bond with. And becaue we have a stonger bond, he behaves better, so it can kind of spiral.

[megs4413]

i should clarify what i mean by unfair.....

i'm just worried that my bio kids will feel like they're treated/loved differently OR that my adopted kids will feel that way. we had always planned to adopt a group of siblings out of the foster care system, but were surprised with 2 children...didn't know we could have kids...and then got 2! it has changed the picture as far as adopting, since i never had to consider blending before...i want to do what's best for all concerned, ,i guess.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by megs4413

i'm just worried that my bio kids will feel like they're treated/loved differently OR that my adopted kids will feel that way.

I think all kids ARE treated and loved differently. I love and treat my kids differently. They are different people who require different things and evoke different feelings in me. I love them all for who they are and I try to treat them the way that works best for them, not the way that is "equal" to their siblings.

I think that even in a family of all bio or all adopted children, children might complain about being treated/loved differently. I don't think that having bio and adopted kids makes that more likely.

If my bio or adopted kids try to blame their complaints about my parenting on how they joined the family, I will respond, "Sorry, not buying it."

Namaste!

[katerkat]

This is something that really worries my husband - we have a biological son and we'd like to adopt from foster care, possibly siblings. DH is worried that when the kids are teenagers and hate us all anyway (because that's what teens do!) there will be a lot of "you love him best because he's your natural son" or whatever. My aunt adopted siblings from foster care after having four of her own and the foster kids really did have these issues. (Though some of it I would blame on the family...)

[BCFD]

This is something that haunts me everyday. I have 3 beautiful children through adoption and we still have 7 frozen embryo's for FET's later down the road. But I have to be honest, I wish it would have been the other way around - first bio children and then adopted children. My thoughts on this are purely paranoia, but I worry that my adopted children will feel as if they weren't good enough and mommy had to "have one of her own". Now, my children ARE my own and there is nothing that could ever possibly make them think otherwise (meaning nothing that I or DP would ever do to make them feel this way). I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am for my girls and how complete they make me feel. I never EVER want them to think they were not good enough, so I struggle with the thought of ever using those embryo's. I suffered through 4 long years of infertility and did 5 IUI's and 6 IVF cycles and I couldn't love my children any more if they were biological. However, there is still a huge part of me that says we worked so HARD for those embryo's that I just can't let them go (either donating them to science or just putting them back into me during a time where there is no chance of conceiving).

Maybe somewhere down the road we will give it a shot. There is still a part of me that wants to experience a pregnancy and breastfeeding, but I don't want my selfish wants and needs to come before my children's feelings.

I guess that didn't help, but I am enjoying reading the posts. I am sure it would all work out, but there is that .00001% of me that is scared to death of bringing bio kids into the picture. The one good thing is that I have THREE adopted girls that all share that special bond. So, maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I think it could be. I wasn't adopted, so I can't speak from experience, but I know there will be questions and possibly issues when they are older about their adoptions. I am just terrified of creating any more by adding a bio child. It makes my head hurt to think about it. : We also have 2 daughters who are bio sisters and one who is not....so who knows what kind of questions and feelings that may bring up some day. DP and I have always hoped that DD#2's bio mom gets pg again and that way we have 4 children - 2 from one bio mom and 2 from another. But I don't want 5 children, so if that scenario comes to fruition we will have an even harder choice to make.

Good luck to you!

[kwren23]

i dont have any adopted kids but come from a blended family... my parents adopted me at birth and then had my brother 3 years later. there was some friction because i was adopted and he was not, and i did feel that he was favored over me some of the time especially as he was the good kid and i was the one who was always in trouble. as i grew up i realized that it wasnt that my parents loved me any less, but that they understood him better and more easily and i was a little wierd for them. sometimes i felt like an alien, but i think thats part of being a teenager no matter which way you look at things.

basically what i wanted to say is its just like any family! sometimes your kids drive you nuts, sometimes you just want to squeeze them tight. there is good stuff and bad stuff, and me being adopted and my brother being bio doesnt really matter at all in the larger scheme of things. (although admittedly i thought he was worthless when he was younger, but thats because he didnt turn into a real human being capable of carrying on interesting conversations until he was 18 or so. up till that point he was just the little pest who stole my stuff and spied on me and my friends) i still love my parents and i adore my brother

[queencarr]

We adopted Connor when our bio child, Jimmy, was 7 1/2. In our case, Jimmmy was old enough to really get and experience the adoption journey with us. He really wanted us to adopt, and is already begging us to do so again (we can't due to $$). Maybe he bio vs adopted stuff will be an problem when they are older, but I suspect it really will be a non-issue in our family. Jimmy was the first of us that Connor bonded to, and Jimmy is absolutely in love with Connor and finally having a sibling around. My advice would be to include your bio children in as much of the adoption process as possible so they they "own" the experience, too. So we took Jimmy's input on nursery themes, baby supplies, what toys would he like to play with Connor. While we were waiting, we talked about what he could do to make Connor laugh, what types of games they could play when he was a little baby and as he got older. In the same way that we referred to ourselves as "there's your Daddy, there's your Mommy, etc" when Connor first came home, we used the phrases "there's your Jimmy, there's your Connor" with the boys. When we flew over to Korea to bring Connor home, Jimmy went with us. It never even occured to me to not bring him, Connor was an addition to our family, not to just us. I think having this approach really helped, and they have both adjusted beautifully, and absolutely adore each other!

[Sarahbunny]

FWIW, i guess I come from a blended family, although I have never thought of it that way! I never really thought there were any differences between my brother and I (Except my mom does put more stock in what men think, which is why she believes nothing that I say unti she checks it out with him - that's another thread though!)

Being adopted really wasn't a big deal to me at all. I think people tend to make it a bigger issue of it than it needs to be. It wasn't a big deal at all to my brother either - although, my family was pretty big on adoption, as my father and uncle and grandmother were all adopted. maybe that's why?

I see no problems with both biological and adopted children.

[mamanicki]

Maybe it's semantic, but I don't consider adoptive families to be "blended" at all. I think of "Blended" families as being those that are formed through remarriage when there are step-parents, step-siblings, bio-parents and extended families of various configurations all trying to mesh on-going conflicting rules, parenting styles, ways of living and expectations to make some semblance of a family.

I have experienced both (adoption, biokids and step-blending) and I can say, hands down, that adoption is NOTHING like blending through remarriage. Not even on the same planet! The adjustment to our adopted daughter was no different than birth for me or my kids. Part of that has to do with the age of the child and the history they bring with them. Part of that probably has to do with our attitudes about adoption. We really do consider my daughter to have been born in our hearts. Most days, I forget she did not grow in my body. I parent her like I parented my other babies. She fits in perfectly, the kids are crazy about her and she has definitely added so much to our family.

I think if you consider adopting out of birth order, adopting siblings or older children that it is a whole different ballgame. There is a lot more education and preparation that you and your children would need to undergo to be ready, emotionally, for the possible challenges you might face. In those cases, there would definitely be a longer adjustment period than there would be for an infant. Also I don't have any experience in domestic open adoptions but I would think that has the potential to be more difficult (but more enriching) for all parties.

[mamarhu]

I am the bio-daughter in a family that included step, foster, and adopted children as well. My experience was that my life was greatly enriched by the diversity (ethnic, socioeconomic, disability-related etc.). I have 5 sisters who would not have been part of my life otherwise. I guess it complicated our homelife in some ways, but doesn't any new family member change the balance and require some adjustments? I am sure my parents' love for each of us is different, but that is a matter of individual personalities and needs, not more/less, better/worse, or anything like that. And of course, I know I am the favorite (just kidding ).

My bio kids are 10, 11, and 25, and I have a brand new grandaughter. I love each of them equally but differently. I am in the process of licensing for foster/adoption, I expect of child/ren with developmental disabilities. This will no doubt change the dynamics in our home. But I think the Dumplings will benefit from the need to adjust (changing our activities and interractions, not our emotions), and new kids will find their place in the family structure. I think (hope) it will be an enriching experience for all.

[Buddhamom]

We have two teen daughters that I gave birth to and our baby girl that was born into or hearts. It is GREAT!!! The older two spoil the baby so much. They are very attached and I worry how she will feel when one sister leaves this Summer and the other in two years. I don't consider us blended, we are a family, plain and simple. We also happen to be a transracial family too : And adoption is something that happened to her one day at finalization, it isn't something that describes her if that makes sense

[Sarahbunny]

[QUOTE=mamanicki;7123701]Maybe it's semantic, but I don't consider adoptive families to be "blended" at all. I think of "Blended" families as being those that are formed through remarriage when there are step-parents, step-siblings, bio-parents and extended families of various configurations all trying to mesh on-going conflicting rules, parenting styles, ways of living and expectations to make some semblance of a family.
QUOTE]


:

That's how I feel, I just couldn't think of how to say it.

[OnTheFence]

We have three bio children, with anothe on the way, and one adopted child sandwhiched in there. It can create challanges but all families have them. So far the challenges have been more with us, than with our children.

[dessismama]

We are a family with 3 bio kids and 1 adopted. Our daughter came first and she is very much loved by the younger children. She is very different from the rest of us but this is why we love her so much!!

[Emilie]

I was adopted at 11 days old after my parents tried for 8 years. They got pg 3 months later and had my brother.
I always knew we were treated differently- which was very apparent since we were so close in age. I think it would have been much better had we not basically been twins.
I agree with kwren said- they understood my brother better for sure and I was different to them. My thoughts- ways - ideas- all different- which was bad.

My parents will tell you till the day they die that they treated us the same. They didn't. I thought and swore for a long time it had nothing to do with me being adopted. But it did. Even if it was subconscious for them - it did.

IT roots itself( I think- purely my thoughts and feelings) in the fact that I should be grateful in having the life I had and he deserved the life he had.
Can I repeat that. I was LUCKY to have a nice life as had they not adopted me I would have been poor and had a bad life. He was born of them so he deserved the best and nothing less. I could have less cause well it is better than what I could have had.
Shocking. Really it is.
It manifested itself in many places I will not bore you in the details.

My brother was very violent with me. It was ALWAYS my fault. Never his.
EVER.
I always should have known better or not provoked him- stayed out of his way- etc. It was very awful for me. He was extrememly abusive from the time I was about 6-8?

So.... I would put alot of thought into it really.
Personally.
Even with the best intentions..... if you are not fully aware of yourself. It could be really bad.