How do you get an almost 12 yr old son to open up to you?

[Ninjinmama]

Tonight during a family dinner we were all eating, telling jokes, and laughing. Having a really great time when all of a sudden he burst into tears.
We talked and he said he doesn't understand why he burst into tears, but he has been feeling weird about turning 12 and how it's one more year till he turns 13. I think he's feeling a lot of pressure. But that's just my guess because he doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know how to explain how he feels to me.
Background info: he's pretty shy, extremely smart, we bought a new house about 6 mo. ago and he switched schools(which he's having a hard time fitting into).
I don't want to put more pressure on him to talk, but it's obvious he's bottling up his feelings. I have a history of depression(onset puberty) and want to head off what could become a much greater issue. Or maybe I'm just being oversensitive because of my own history?
I just don't want to scare him off.
Any advise?

[sphinxie]

Well, it isn't hard to guess that he's probably feeling pretty darn lonely, having changed schools. After 6 months it can get to be kinda overwhelming, you stop expecting to make friends tomorrow, you know?

[momuveight2B]

The way to get boys to open up is to take them out and do something fun. When they feel ready they will talk.

[mamaduck]

With my son, the best way to talk is either on a long walk together, or while riding in the car alone together.

I have to say too, that there cannot be any pushing on my part. If I push, he clams up. I just have to stay calm and open and ask the right sorts of questions. Also, I have to be careful to avoid touchy-feely stuff with him, and focus on concepts like problems, ideas, thoughts, needs, plans, strategies, efforts, goals....

[sweetfiend]

Riding in the car alone together--works for me and several moms of teens who I know. Something to do with not having to look at each other, I suspect.

[orangefoot]

Originally Posted by sweetfiend

Riding in the car alone together--works for me and several moms of teens who I know. Something to do with not having to look at each other, I suspect.

My Dh takes the boys out on their own in the car when he has jobs to do and they never really say anything profound but it does keep the channels of communication open. I talk about stuff with each of them when we are cooking

My ds was freaked about being 'so old' when he was 12 then afraid of becoming a horrible person when he turned 13. Darned anti-teen society.
Now he is used to being 13 he is seeing that the number doesn't make you who you are but he still has worries like we all did at that age.

ITA with the pps too. There's a lot going on if you've just moved; it takes time to feel truly settled.

[Ninjinmama]

yeah hear you...
I get the sense he is thinking he is suddenly going to change into someone else after his B-day.
He's at the age where he still wants to be comforted and needs it, but not feel he's being comforted in a "little kid way". We, as his parents, are having to learn how to transition to this as well. I just want to help him feel better.
Will have to try talking while cooking. He helps from time to time and that way he doesn't have to look at me and his hands will be busy.

[Shenjall]

I've taken my kids on walks to the grocery store with the exuse of needing their help to carry groceries. I've also given them lots of papers/journals to write/draw in and a box with a lock on it (their private space) to put their thoughts into.
I've also wrote notes to them, and they sometimes write me back. Do you think he'd be receptive to the idea of writing a note?

[MillingNome]

Yeah what pp said. Another thing that I found works is emailing and text messaging. I'm not saying it's the best but sometimes it's enough to get the ball rolling for a real conversation. I think anytime when you are away from distractions, you have a chance. Just keep your eye out for times :

[Ninjinmama]

Originally Posted by Shenjall

I've taken my kids on walks to the grocery store with the exuse of needing their help to carry groceries. I've also given them lots of papers/journals to write/draw in and a box with a lock on it (their private space) to put their thoughts into.
I've also wrote notes to them, and they sometimes write me back. Do you think he'd be receptive to the idea of writing a note?

Yes last year I bought him a poetry/thought journal for his birthday because I could kind of start to see him pulling back and not wanting to talk about things as much. Plus he needed a place to keep his poems so they wouldn't get lost after a few found their way into the waste basket accidently.
I've left little i love you notes or have a good day notes before. Not allowed in the lunch box anymore, but I haven't tried writing a letter. Food for thought. Thanks.

[operamommy]

Awww...poor guy. That age is so hard, and changes can make it even harder. I know somewhat of what you're going through - my ds1 turns 12 soon, and I've seen a lot of changes in him and am trying to do things to connect with him. We just very recently started a mom/kid book club, and dh and I both try to take him along with us on errands, etc. Once he's convinced you're not trying to get him to talk he generally opens up. Good luck, mama!

[Ninjinmama]

Originally Posted by operamommy

Awww...poor guy. That age is so hard, and changes can make it even harder. I know somewhat of what you're going through - my ds1 turns 12 soon, and I've seen a lot of changes in him and am trying to do things to connect with him. We just very recently started a mom/kid book club, and dh and I both try to take him along with us on errands, etc. Once he's convinced you're not trying to get him to talk he generally opens up. Good luck, mama!

Read a bit of your blog, hope you don't mind
The bit about your oldest being ambiguous/indecisive about doing things, answering q's, totally my son....
Again don't want to push him or get too frustrated but have started telling him I need a yes or a no answer. ie. he's the only one who knows if he really wants water or juice with lunch...sigh...

[Cherie2]

I have read that with boys being engaged in an activity helps them to talk - I don't know my son (14 now) talks to me amazingly well, its my daughter who I wish would share something once in a while. ... go figure.

[BamaDude]

Originally Posted by Ninjinmama

Tonight during a family dinner we were all eating, telling jokes, and laughing. Having a really great time when all of a sudden he burst into tears.
We talked and he said he doesn't understand why he burst into tears, but he has been feeling weird about turning 12 and how it's one more year till he turns 13. I think he's feeling a lot of pressure. But that's just my guess because he doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know how to explain how he feels to me.

...Or, he's barely keeping his head above water in a sea of puberty hormones and may genuinely, really, truly not know why he burst into tears.

Guys at that age are on a hormonal rollercoaster 24/7, so little breakdowns for no reason are going to happen. Having Mom constantly asking about them or even acknowledging them doesn't make them any easier to bear.

Sometimes, even with the coolest and most understanding Mom in the world, a guy just doesn't want to talk about things...especially those things over which he has no control.

Just be there, give him a quick hug, and don't mention it. If he wants to talk about it, he will.

[Kerlowyn]

You have gotten a lot of good advise here. Many of these things have worked for me also, especially the long car rides. Each fall, DS1 and I spend a lot of time alone in the car commuting to my seasonal business. I feel like fall is my check in time with DS, and our talks help me to parent him during the next year to the following fall.

We also just moved, last June, to a place 100 miles away from where we were. DS took the move reeeallly hard. Our old house was the only place he had ever lived before. He was just beginning to define himself, 'find' his sense of style (clothes, hair, music) find his preferred friends...he went from a public school of 600 to a home school co-op of 12. He was angry, sad, depressed most of the time. He has slowly gotten better.

The hardest thing is not to ask "what's the matter?" when ever I see he is down. He has told me himself it does not help. The good news is that, now that I don't ask, his bad moods pass faster, and he told me half the time he never remembers being angry/sad/depressed

[operamommy]

Originally Posted by Ninjinmama

Read a bit of your blog, hope you don't mind
The bit about your oldest being ambiguous/indecisive about doing things, answering q's, totally my son....
Again don't want to push him or get too frustrated but have started telling him I need a yes or a no answer. ie. he's the only one who knows if he really wants water or juice with lunch...sigh...

Of course I don't mind!

I'm trying hard to keep in mind what an exciting time this is. It's hard though, isn't it? My "baby" is slowly becoming more of an enigma to me; he doesn't want to share everything with me any more. I still see glimpses of the toddler that used to hold my hand everywhere. But I also see glimpses of the man my boy will one day be. He's gonna be a fine man - and that's what's been helping me keep my patience.

[Ninjinmama]

Just wanted to thank everyone for all your wonderful advise!
We've started doing some of the things suggested and I think it's helping. It helps to know there are other mommas out there trying to navigate the preteen years with me.

[MOTHERoFIVE]

Everything everyone is saying is all good!! My ds(15 in feb.) and dd(13) were the same way at 12. My ds was more like yours but my dd detached herself from my hip and stayed in her room! Any activity where you don't have to look at each other works well. Also, if he's on something like facebook or myspace, I've found that to work VERY well for my 15 year old. I post family pictures for all of his friends to see(it's embarassing, but he laughs!) and we can txt mssg privately. That may be a way for him to make friends at school (if alot of his classmates do that). Just keep talking. Don't EVER stop talking to him. He needs 1-on-1 just like a new born or a girl starting her cycle. It's kinda the same thing only a little worse because of the move and everything. I can't tell you it'll get better...I'll say things will change!

[orangefoot]

I'ver been thinking about this a bit more and now that dd is in kindergarten at school I realise that I am should go back to asking the boys about their day in the same way I did when they were little. I'm extending the pre-schooler/teen thing here bear with me!

I drop dd at kinder and I realise that I have forgotten that little people can't do small talk. There is bustle and chatting in the room but very few of the 4 years olds are actually talking to each other; they are talking to their mums or being asked about stuff by the teachers. My eldest can have very minimal conversations with friends on the phone even when they are his best buddies; are they regressing?

You know when you ask what they did in school and they say 'nothing'? I started asking them what was the best or worst thing that had happened and they always told me something which opened more conversation. Often the generalised questions don't give results still so I'm thinking of ways to ask hem about things which will elicit something a bit more specific that 'ok' 'yeah' or 'mmmm'!!

[TAC]

He may be too old for this but it works on my 10year old. I ask him something like on a scale of one to ten how is your feeling of anger, or sadness, or happiness, worry etc... I ask him each one of the these feelings. Our society has taught boys and subsquently men not to communicate feelings. It is very important for him to communicate, but he just may not know how. I find at night, I still read to my son and this is the best time to get any communication. It is a quiet time. But boys/men dont always like to talk and you can't push them like you can a girl. As long as they are engaged in an activity, checkers, cards, anything, that is when they tend to open up the most.