How do you get an almost 12 yr old son to open up to you? - Page 2

[orangefoot]

My son is still struggling with being a 'teen' as I said earlier. He was upset and uncommunicative on Friday when it snowed. I couldn't rouse him nor get him to interact with us and we were stuck indoors all day. Earlier in the week I had heard an interview of a thoughtful comedian who talked about his time at school and before becoming a comedian. Its worth a listen. I love this guy because he is sooo dry so I thought ds might like to listen and I would see if a small smile might appear. BBC Radio 4 Chain Reaction (it will probably only be available for a few more days)

It did and we talked about thispoem which was read in the interview and how it seems that as we grow older we move from placing great importance on objects and occassions and moving more towards relationships with people and exploring our inner selves.

Ds says he is sort of sad that he's not wild'y excited about snow anymore or Christmas (he was incredibly grumpy at Christmas) and birthdays. He is also feeling unsatisfied reading the action/adventure type books he has been a fan of for years and years. He is feeling that he wants to read more about what peole *think* than what they *do*.

In the end the day turned out OK and we went to the library the next day to find some different books but Dh and I are feeling a bit helpless because we can't really help him much in this transition.

[babymakes6]

I have 12 year old twins (boy/girl) and they are very different as far as this issue is concerned. Just wanted to throw out some ideas for you.

1. Take a drive and make it after dark. My son is much more likely to open up to me if he is given the anonymity of a dark back seat. Don't jump in right away and ask what is wrong. Talk about sports or cars or whatever he likes and let the conversation flow naturally. Eventually you can turn it towards his feelings.

2. Give him a notebook and tell him that you love him and would like to help work through what is bothering him. Let him know that if he is uncomfortable talking about it, he can write it down and then give it to you or DH. If he isn't up to giving it to you, get him a piggybank and have him fold up what he wrote and put it in the slot. Though you might not find out exactly what he is feeling, it may be cathartic for him to just write it out. Then if things ever reach a point where you are truly fearful for his safety, you always have the option to break open the piggybank. This would be a last resort, only if you felt he was in danger.

3. Buy him a book about the changes a boy experiences in middle school. It does help them to know that they are not alone. My son insisted that he did not want such a book when we saw it at the bookstore. I bought it and now it is under his pillow and the pages are all dog-eared.

4. Buy a book for yourself on parenting a hormone overloaded adolescent. You may find that certain behaviors are all just par for the course as far as teens go. I know that, in a heartbeat, my daughter can go from being a lovely child to the point where I swear her head is spinning 360 degrees. my husband and I just look at each other like, "now where did that come from?"

5. Talk to the school. Maybe there is something going on that you should know but just have not been told. Middle school can be a vicious place if you are smart, not so smart, tall, short, fat, skinny, have braces, don't have braces, have glasses, brown hair, eyes too far apart, etc. If you are different in any way, someone will call you on it. I have had long, drawn out conversations with my kids about middle school and the fact that no-one really fits in there because everyone is different in some way.

6. Let him know that you will always be there for him, always. Make sure that he knows he is loved and that home is a safe place, a place where all the judgements of the world are left on the doorstep.

That's all I can come up with now.