My eldest just doesn't get it...

[Desdamona]

I recent;y left my DH. IT was coming for years and I finially had enough. WE (the 4mancubs and I) moved to my mom's in NC and everyone's been doing okay with the adjustments for the most part... But my eldest, who's almost 11y, is having the hardest time.

He is SUPER bright. Made mostly A's and a few B's w/ the old school in NY. He was challenged and he did well. Here he is getting C's and a few B's. The teacher says he has no orgnaization in school and doesn't do his homework. At home he swears he has NO homework and that classes are EASY.

He's upset/crying everytime I reitterate that we live HERE in NC and that we aren't going back to NY. He just doesn't get that we aren't returning to our old lives. He can't seem to wrap his head around the fact that this is where we live and that we have to at least try to make the best of it. We honestly are doing better here than in NY (w/ their father) but it is so hard for him to see/acknowledge it.

He crabbed about having to share a room with his younger brother, yet he makes no attempt to keep his OWN room straight here. He refuses most times to pick up, put away or gather up his dirty clothes that he tosses all around. He yells "I neevr had to do this in NY!" when I get on his case.

I have been taking him out on his own, without his little brothers, at least every other week for one on one time with the hopes tht he'll open up to me a bit, but so far he hasn't... I can't stand to see my boy so unhappy. I can't stand to see him just getting by in school when he could do so much more. I can't stand to see him take it all out on me, my mother or his little brothers.

Any advice to this mama who is just beginning tasting what's to come with the teenage years? How do I help my boy to the point where he's okay with this new life I am trying to build with him?

It was so much simplier when they were all babies and I knew that a clean diaper, full stomach, warm and snuggly held, breastfed baby was the right thing to do... and they were happy for it too!

[Cherie2]

I am sorry he is having such a hard time ... but who can blame him you know? He is lucky he has such an attentive and caring mama. I wonder if he is terribly bored? His work at school is likely not challenging him, I'm willing to bet the grade level work he had in NY is a far cry from what they are giving him in NC. I wonder if they could test him (or you could) and get him into a special gifted program? It might make him feel better about himself and start to get him occupied with his own goals and work. Does he have an interest that he could join a group with? Seems like he is searching for his place of belonging in NC.

[2tadpoles]

My boys' dad and I have been apart for a couple of years. My DS2 was 9.5 when we split up.

I read somewhere that the 8-12 age group has the hardest time with divorce. Kids who are older than 12 often have outside interests/friendships that keep them occupied. Kids who are younger than 8 are often just so darned adaptable.

The 8-12 y.o.'s are aware enough to understand what the changes represent, but are still young enough to not be able to handle it on an emotional level.

Your son misses his friends, his old school, his old house, etc. He knows that his family has broken up and it hurts, even if his dad was a jerk. On top of it all, he's got new hormones pumping through his system; chemicals that make life hard even without the domestic stresses.

I understand a bit of what you're going through. My exH left me for another woman. He moved in with her and her child immediately after moving out of our house. My kids were crushed, as everything was a total surprise. My ex and I weren't fighters and even I was surprised at what happened. I truly didn't see it coming.

A friend and I moved in together. We had four kids between us and although we had been friends for a long time (and our kids had been best pals, too), it turned out to be a nightmare. My roommate was way more emotionally unstable than I had ever imagined. Plus, she's a lot more authoritarian than I am. We didn't even make it to the end of the year-long lease.

Six months after our separation, my ex was deployed to Iraq for six months. He came back after four months due to an injury. A couple of months later, he dropped off the face of the planet for six weeks. He didn't call or email the kids at all. Nobody knew where he was. Well, I figured out later that he ran off with the girlfriend and got married, although he never personally divulged that information to me (or our kids). Still, seven months later, he doesn't wear his wedding band when he's with our children. They still dont know.

So now he's leaving in two months to be stationed with her, overseas. My boys have not only lost their two-parent family, but they've had to watch their dad choose this woman over them many times. DS1 was 13 when we separated and had a really bad time those first few months, but bounced back quickly. He's 15 now and well-adjusted. DS2 is now 11.5 and is still struggling with everything though he tries not to show it. He misses his dad. He wonders why his dad doesn't call more. He doesn't like our new house all that much.

We homeschool, so he hasn't had to adjust to a new school. I really think he would have been a complete basket case if he had.

I really think that your son's emotional state is way more important than his grades. So what if he's getting C's? He has a lot to deal with right now. Love him, reassure him, and keep spending that one-on-one time with him. Try not to get angry when he compares things to NY.

School and grades are the least of his worries. Let the child heal. I think that you and the teachers are really expecting way too much.

[operamommy]

Keep giving him time, mama. He's had a lot of changes. I divorced my ex when ds1 was 3 (so 8 years ago), and ds1 still sometimes gets upset about the fact that we're divorced. One thing I've done is to acknowledge the pain that ds1 feels. When he tells me that it stinks that myself and his dad are divorced, I say, "Yes, I know it stinks. It's hard for you." I think sometimes kids need to have their pain affirmed/made valid - heck, don't all people just need someone who understands?

Tell him it's ok to miss his old home and his old way of life. Tell him he can talk to you at any time, and can say whatever he needs to, even if he doesn't think you'll like it. Right now he probably doesn't care that you're all doing better in NC; he just wants his old, comfortable life back.

I hope things get better soon.