Book/Support Recommendations?

[FourTrees]

Hello everyone! This is my first post here, though I have looked here and read the wonderful advice everyone has given before.

This is my situation. I have two girls, 3 and 1. I feel so out of control lately, and so far from the kind of mom I want to be. It is a constant struggle between me and my older daughter. She will not do anything I ask her to, won't stop doing what I ask her to do, constantly hurts her little sister, etc. She has hit/stomped/pushed her sister since she was born. Now, the little one has started just walking up to her and hitting/pushing/pinching the older, because that's what always happened to her! I see my older daughter and I heading in the same direction that my own mother and I went in years ago, and I am so upset because I don't want that. I want to add though, my older daughter can sometimes be an absolute angel. She is so beautiful and amazingly smart and says the most brilliant things. She loves to play mommy and is so sweet when she does that I know I'm not completely messing up.

I will not spank. This isn't a new problem. We've tried time-outs, but it seems impossible to put her in time-out for each occurence, she'd be there all day! Any suggestions?

My parents have recently separated and I think the stress of that and thinking of my relationship with my parents is really weighing heavily on me right now.

Anyway, my point here wasn't necessarily to vent a few of my problems (sorry!) but to get some recommendations. Can anyone suggest books or other resources for gentle discipline for younger kids, or any other book that will keep me from mommy burnout?

When my one year old had just been born, I asked a different AP forum for help and was not given any advice other than that my older daughter wasn't hurting her on purpose, etc. I felt really bad after reading the responses because I was reaching out for help and felt like I got my hand slapped. From the other responses I've read, Iknow that won't happen here. Thanks so much!

[geekmom]

There are really lots of great books on what I think is positive, effective discipline. Go to your library so you don't spend money on a book you don't like and bring them home and skim through them. I really like the Adele Faber books, "How to talk so your children will listen" and "Siblings Without Rivalry". I like the concepts in Foster Cline's "Love and Logic" series, but I don't like all the Christian references and there's a few other things that bothered me. I'm sure other people here have good book recommendations.

The fact that you're noticing the problem and willing to read (I'm completely amazed at the number of people who are having difficulty with their kids, but aren't willing to read about other methods to try) means you'll have this figured out soon.

[mamacate]

i really like "becoming the parent you want to be" by laura davis and janis keyser. nak so more later but check it out.

cate

[Alexander]

These sample texts available on-line and can help you determine what is reasonable for you to expect of your children, and what is not.

Un-tangling the knot that you find before you is going to be tricky. The only effective method (IME) is to drown out the bad behavior with love.

It'll take between 6 and 9 months if both you and DH get into it.

a

[Jennifer Z]

Mine isn't that old, so I don't have any vetran advice, but some books that have been recommended to me that I like are The Discipline Book by Dr Sears and Kids are Worth it by Barbara Coloroso. Raising your spirited child is also good, but I can't remember the author.

[Piglet68]

i will add to the good recommendations above: Giving the Love that Heals by Harville Hendrix. What I like about this book is that it relates problems you're having with your kids, to issues from your childhood.

[cumulus]

I'm going to make a weird recommendation... perhaps - The Education of Little Tree is a short novel about a little boy adopted by elderly parents. You will cry but his parents care for him so sweetly, so beautifully, that the book might, as it did me, inspire rather than instruct. There's no "how to parent" stuff in the book. It's more about getting under the decisions to the well of sensibilities, rather than thoughts, that might guide you.

"Recipe for having beautiful children: Be a beautiful parent!"
~ Elbert Hubbard

[tinaq]

I have to give big kudos to Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It. I'm in the process of reading it right now & it has dramatically changed my thinking about disciplining. It's so practical & has humorous parts, too. It's an easy read.

Good luck, Mama.

Tina