does the thought of teenagers scare you?

[kathymuggle]

You here so many stories about the scary teenage years - do you think this is real, or hype? Is it just that our culture is anti-teenagers?

I think I have seen too many Dr. Phil shows filled with troubled teens. I have been afraid of teens - and their behaviours. But I do not want to be afraid anymore - I want to embrace the teen years. Anyone else feel this way?

[Lambsauce]

While I tend to agree with the statement that our society is anti-teenager, I'm afraid that what I've seen around my own school gives you some reason to fear.
Actually, I'm somewhat afraid of teenagers, myself.
But that doesn't mean we're all bad!! In fact, there's a lot of us who are good people, really!

Boy, that probably sounded confusing. I'm sorry, just wanted to empathize with your feelings about teenagers, and tell you that we're not all horrid troublemakers

[Mama Dragon]

Not so much afraid, as weary. I distinctly remember the hormone shifts, the aching bones from growing too fast, the lack of friends but needing them, etc etc etc and even with the best of parents it would have still been hell.

[sunnysideup]

I have a teenage daughter. She's the same lovable kid she's always been.

[MillingNome]

I was very lucky to have a next door neighbor whose oldest ds is about 12 years older than my dd. She has a total of five kids with the youngest five years older than my dd. I can not tell you how much wisdom I soaked up watching her raise her teenagers. Each was different but my goodness are they good people. She danced the fine line of holding on to them and letting go all at the same time. Best thing she ever told me was to expect great things from my ds when they hit that stage. Her oldest went through a drug phase but she never doubted he would eventually see the error of his ways. Maybe if he was a different kid, her steadfast belief would have been proven wrong. It worked out though~ for all her kids. I do think teenagers get a bad wrap. Thankfully I was lucky enough to witness a mom make it through five teenages in splendid fashion. And a side note- she was also the person who helped me for the first time to enjoy my (autistic) ds and trust he was in there somewhere, waiting to bust loose. lol - can you tell I love her?!?!?

[woobysma]

I used to be scared, mainly because DS1 is SO much like me and I still can hear my mom's voice in my head "someday, you'll have teenagers and you're going to find out what I'm going through" (I was, um, not the easiest teen girl to get along with : )

But, now that DS is fast approaching his teen years, he's actualy a really cool kid and we've got a great bond (it's taken a lot of work), so I'm a little less worried.

[mandib50]

my dd is turning 14 in may and truly, she is wonderful! she gives me less attitude than my 6 yr old dd
i think teenagers are really neat people

[webbeccjo]

I love having teens! My oldest two kids are 18 and almost 15 (2 more weeks!) and my 16 and 17yo nieces live right around the corner(I'm homeschooling one of them) and they spend a whole lot of time here.

I do agree that our society can be anti-teen at times. I think that seeing people who are moving out of childhood and into adulthood is intimidating to some.
I remember getting really angry at the librarian when a group of teens from our homeschool group rented a room in the local library for the first meeting of their anime club.
I was standing out of the room in the main area of the library so she didn't realize that I knew the kids...she went in with a really sharp, stern attitude and brusquely told then to keep it quiet (they weren't making ANY noise!they hadn't even started yet!) reminded them that they were not allowed to have food in the room and even went so far as to say that she'd better not have to "come in here" and if she did they wouldn't be able to hold their meetings in the library any longer. Her whole demeanor was very condescending and brusque. Remember, at this point the kids had said very little and were behaving beautifully! She really seemed irritated that they were there at all!

The funny thing is, the previous week I attended a book discussion group at the same library, in the same room, and the very same librarian was gracious and accommodating!
We adults got kind of loud in our laughter and chatting even as we were setting up the room and she didn't say a thing! One of the ladies brought muffins and the librarian offered to supply us with paper plates! lol!

But anyway, I think the kind of scary teen stuff you hear about on shows like dr phil doesn't just begin once the kids become teens.
I believe those severe behavior issues are the fruition of how they have been parented and treated all along. Kids with low self esteem or who's feelings and thoughts have never been validated, or who have been raised by adversarial,controlling parents are more likely to have the types of dangerous, self destructive rebellion issues you see on talk shows.
I'm not implying that well loved, respected teens won't ever do anything wrong, I'm just saying that IMO,the really scary stuff isn't as likely if the teens are and have always been treated respectfully.

So I don't think you have anything to worry about!

[kathymuggle]

Thanks, moms! I have a soon to be 11 yr old so I love hearing positive teen stories!

kathy

[enkmom]

I think teens are fabulous! I have 2, and the balance they have managed to achieve in their lives astounds me. They are at school many days by 6 AM for practices, then a full school day (even though my dd has enough credits to leave by 11AM), then after school clubs or meets, then a job on many evenings - and they still manage to volunteer and stay on the honor roll. The "bad" teens get all the attention, but the vast majority are kids just like mine.

[3boysmom]

I love having teenagers! My oldest is nearly 16 and #2 is nearly 13. While there is the usual teen angst, I am really enjoying this time. Not only do I love my own, but their friends are all growing into such amazing, fun, interesting people too. I truly enjoy being around them (most of the time!). Nothing like a houseful of teenage boys to keep life interesting! (And, as I'm sure you all know, a houseful of teenage boys leads very quickly to many teenage girls hanging around too )

[darkpear]

The thought of my spirited 3yo as a teen scares the crap out of me. She is just a little pistol and we already butt heads, sometimes I call her my mini teenager as it is because she will start an argument over anything or nothing and she's VERY dramatic. Teens in general don't scare me though.

[2tadpoles]

My boys are 15 and 11.5. My 15yo was a very "spirited" young boy (that's putting it in nice terms....I like to use the world "hellion"). He's pretty great now. My 11yo has always been a fairly easy kid to deal with.

At this point in my life, teens don't scare me. The thought of having babies scares me.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by 2tadpoles

At this point in my life, teens don't scare me. The thought of having babies scares me.

I'm with you there! Definitely done with the baby stage.

Originally Posted by 3boysmom

Not only do I love my own, but their friends are all growing into such amazing, fun, interesting people too.

Yes! I really enjoy my daughter's friends--they are smart, funny and creative. I love it when they all hang out at our house.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by webbeccjo

But anyway, I think the kind of scary teen stuff you hear about on shows like dr phil doesn't just begin once the kids become teens. I believe those severe behavior issues are the fruition of how they have been parented and treated all along. Kids with low self esteem or who's feelings and thoughts have never been validated, or who have been raised by adversarial,controlling parents are more likely to have the types of dangerous, self destructive rebellion issues you see on talk shows.
I'm not implying that well loved, respected teens won't ever do anything wrong, I'm just saying that IMO,the really scary stuff isn't as likely if the teens are and have always been treated respectfully.
So I don't think you have anything to worry about!

Wow I didn't realize I was such a horrible parent. I have been a very consciences mother .. not to say I have not made mistakes ... but I have always treated them respectfully and validated them .. Sorry to take this so personally but I have had some major struggles with my teens ... and this really hit my soft spot..

[kathymuggle]

Cherie 2

With respect,

the struggles they are having may have little to do with you. It might be part of their journey and they might grow out of it. We can only do the best we can do. Part of life is a crap shot.




Kathy

[nolonger]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Cherie))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

If it helps at all, I'm having some major problems with my own right now as well. While some of these problems are undoubtedly a result of how I have failed them as a parent, I do know that I did the best I could and some of my mistakes had to do with trusting a system that failed me, believing that I would get child support, believing that financial help from my parents came without strings, believing that if I just worked hard enough and held on long enough the crisis would pass and life would return to normal, and refusing to believe that the crisis WAS my new normal.

Not to hijack the thread, but I am not afraid of teens, find them fascinating and wonderful people in general, admire my own and love watching them develop into their own people, but unfortunately I am not loved by my teenagers and will have to make decisions and set limits to protect them which will make me less and less popular in their eyes.

It hurts worse than I have the ability to describe.

[webbeccjo]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

Wow I didn't realize I was such a horrible parent. I have been a very consciences mother .. not to say I have not made mistakes ... but I have always treated them respectfully and validated them .. Sorry to take this so personally but I have had some major struggles with my teens ... and this really hit my soft spot..

I'm so very sorry that my words hurt you! I could have chosen my words more carefully. I was unintentionally insensitive

I didn't mean to imply that if a teen acts out or has struggles then they must not have been parented in a validating, respectful manner.
I agree with the poster who said that struggles can just be part of life's journey.

I do feel, however, that if a teen has grown up being disrespected or treated in an adversarial or punitive manner for the majority of their life-and especially while they are struggling with behavioral or anger issues, then there is a real risk that those issues will escalate and turn into huge, dangerous issues.

IMO,Affirming,validating and respectful parenting does not preclude conflict at any age. It just gives us some tools to deal with the conflict in a way that maintains everyone involved's dignity.

Now that I think about it, a lot of teen issues center around low self esteem ...when I was a chubby, freckle-faced red headed teen, I had terribly low self esteem. I harbored a lot of anger as a result.
My self loathing with regards to my looks had little or nothing to do with how my parents parented me and a lot to do with some of the negative choices I made during my teen years.

[Arduinna]

Some of the stories are true and yes our culture is anti teenager. But no I'm not scared of teens mine is awesome! I think the problems come from warehousing kids in schools with a bunch of other kids exactly the same age and stage where they are all fighting for attention and oneupmanship instead of the more natural widly mixed age groups where all kids get to be leaders to youngers and guided by those older.

[smillerhouse]

It is a thin line between the wings and the roots stuff. It is important to be positve but also realistic. I have a 16 year old son who is quite mature in mnay ways. I have a 13.5 year old daughter who is growing and I try to focus on her strenths and find pistive channels for her enrgy. When I see the ocnfidence, I am so-ooo proud!!!! Sallie