Bad influences

[nolonger]

I was curious how others handled things with their teens and peer group "bad influences"; I'm hesitant to label the children in question "bad", because they seem to have good hearts and be decent people in and of themselves, but I do not like my teen's behaviour since he has gotten involved with this crowd and neither do any of his friends.

Do you forbid your kids from seeing other children who are negative influences or do you feel that this makes the negative influences more attractive to a teen? How do you enforce the rules?

TYA

[lesley&grace]

I don't have a teen yet, but I have two teen brothers. My youngest bro had a friend who is a bit of a bully, prone to violence and enjoys shoplifting and stealing cigarettes from his father. Since this kid was the only one who lived nearby (actually they lived next door to each other from birth until my parents moved almost two years ago) they spent a lot of time together, and we were really worried that my bro would start behaving like this kid.
My parents sat down with my bro and explained to him that perhaps X did not have the same type of consequences that would be imposed on him if they caught him at those behaviours, and that they expected more and better from him. They never said that they did not want him to hang out with this kid, but to use his own judgement.
Then one day X suggested that they pop into the cornerstore to swipe some candy bars on the way home from school. My bro did not want to do it, and he did not want to hang around in case X got caught. So he said "No, I'm not going to do it" and left. He was very worried about leaving because he had been told repeatedly that he was not to walk home alone. When my parents got home he told them that he had walked home by himself, and why. My parents were extremely proud of him, and still are. Me too.
So I guess the best you can really do is tell your child what your concerns are, what you expect of him. Let him know that you are aware that his friends are not to crazy about this new peer group either and that you hope he'll make the right decision.
Rebellion is a common thing, and the last thing you want to do is make these activities more appealing. Teens think they know everything, and they certainly know more than their parents do Let him know that you love and support him, but that there will be consequences for behaviours that are not acceptable.
Good luck!

[SandraS]

I have banned two friends from my oldest (13) child. After numerous phone calls to other moms to find out why I was "uncomfortable" around these two (they had strange attitudes, etc.), I found out enough that they are no longer welcome here. I did thoroughly explain to my son why, told him there's loads more people to meet and friends to make out there, and he needed to make better choices. He agreed.

He could only "sneak" to see them at school - although he has freedom in the evenings to go around the neighborhood to his other friends, he can't see these two in the area.

I hated doing it, but it was for the best.

[nolonger]

Thank you both so much for replying. I have always trusted ds's judgement in the past, but he has been so thoroughly influenced by this child that he does not even seem like himself any more. he is fifteen and the other child is sixteen. He is currently in a runaway shelter (has been away from home but couch surfing in town, mostly with this new "peer group", for the past month) and will be returning home on Monday, I hope.

I am really at a loss about what to do. Your replies mean the world to me.

[Shanna2007]

Yes, I have banned one of my son's friends from our house, and he knows if I find out they are hanging around he will be in hot water. He lives a few blocks away, and the parents let him do whatever he wants including use bad language (I've heard it) and watch R rated movies. My son tried to use him to get to watch some and I would have no part of it.

[Arduinna]

Unless there is a personal security risk like the child is physically abusive to my child I don't ban her from having contact with friends. As far as "bad influence" goes she is responsible for her own actions regardless of what others choose to do. Luckily raising her to think for herself and not giving arbitrary rules and encouraging her to set her own boundries has resulted in her not being subject to putting other peoples whims above her own better judgement.

[SandraS]

I really didn't look at my "ban" as a trust issue for my son. I trust my son completely - but he still doesn't need to be around a kid that sells pot to his friends. I trust his judgement unquestionably when it comes to his own health and wellbeing, but he still doesn't need exposed to that if I can control it.

[teastaigh]

I've banned friends. After the fact, my dh will say something totally supportive, to me in private, about the kid being a total savage and just praying that they don't end up in prison or worse.

My children have understood in each instance. We've calmly discussed it; and
they've agreed. I have offered that the friendship could continue in a healthy venue -- e.g. the other kid and their family being invited over for dinner and games -- but they've always decided to just let things go. They seem relieved to have their gut feelings echoed in my parenting.

When a door closes, another one opens. We have taken up new activities, enjoyed precious family times, and fostered healthier relationships outside of our family every time we've let go a toxic friend. This goes for me too. I listen to my dh when he says that maybe it's time to be less available to a particular person or to cease involvement in a certain group. We also tell each other and our children when we see healthy things going on in their relationships with others. We are our childrens' most important teachers. I remind myself of this because I'm have plenty to work on in being a good listener, friend, ...

peace,
teastaigh

[smillerhouse]

This is very relevant for me. I have chosen to go the route of communicating wiht mh daughter, nearly 14 but also having clear limits. Tonight is Friday night at the movies i the small town where we live. There will be kids there smioking, having drugs, and engaing in dating type behavior I don't feel my daughter is ready for. For tonight, I am haivng my osn, 16 go with her. I will tell her she is to sit in the movie theatre-get the smack snad go to the bathroom before and then leave when iit is over. It takes a lot of time and energy to supervise in this way. Sallie

[Storm Bride]

I would ban a kid from my house, if I were concerned about the possibility of theft or violence. I would also talk about my concerns with ds1 (have done so) if there were a friend I was concerned about.

I wouldn't ban him from having friends. My mom did it once - I understand why completely - and it totally backfired. I snuck around and hung out with the girl behind mom's back, because there was something in that friendship I wanted. To this day, I'm not sure what it was. As uncomfortable as I am with one of ds1's friends (not even so much the kid, as the dynamic between them), he's getting something from it, or they wouldn't be friends. So, I discuss it occasionally, but I don't play the heavy...and I won't ban the kid from our house.

I do hope that next year the school doesn't put them in five of eight classes together again. I was really hoping that this year, ds1 would have a chance to interact with other kids without this one being around all the time.

[enkmom]

My son has one friend who my son is only "allowed" to see at school functions or in large groups. This friend has 3 reckless driving tickets, tried to siphon gasoline out of a parked car, and is physically abusive. His parents can't seem to control him. My son knows why he can't be in a car with him, and unfortunately was along on the gas-siphoning incident. That fact that my son came home right away and told me about it, and was not upset at the banning, leads me to believe that he really needed me to be the heavy in this.

[nextcommercial]

So far, none of my daughter's friends have influenced her in any negative way.

But, she did have a freind we will call Lacey. Lacey was a Godsend when we moved to this new school. Lacey became my dd's instant friend.

BUT, her parents were the MOST awful parents in history. I am sure there are very few parents who can top these two.

They allow their kids to drink. They allowed them to drive Quads and Golf carts alone at the Dunes. They allowed the 15 yr old to take the 12 yr old to the lake for a day of Partying.

They had my daughter over to spend the night twice, and after hearing what goes on at their house, I put a stop to my dd going over to Lacey's house. But, Lacey is more than welcome in my house any time she wants.

I feel bad for Lacey, but I will not subject my dd to that household. Unfortunatley, Lacey feels like I don't like HER, but, I really do. She is a wonderful kid. She just hasn't learned any boundries.

[smillerhouse]

I just got done talking with my duaghter. I am very proud of her. SHE decides she does not like negative influences. She had the option of doing open gym for her vday team or gong to the movies. I thought vball would be more positve and expressed that to her.She did vball 5 days last week and will do it 5 days this week. She chose the movies. I was very clear with her that she was not allowed to leave the movie theatre . [I] am very proud of her becasue when the niegbor girl we gave a ride to did this (to smoke) Cara would not leave the theatre. I am also very heartened how my daughter talks to me and tells me everything. She is learning about boundries. This same girl borrowed clothes from her and then threw a fit that my daughter wasn't paying enough attention to her. She likes to go in a group-had invited other friends also. My daughter came up with great boundries that I will support her to enforce. This girl does does get a ride to the theatre from us again. She threw a fit and demanded taht her parents come get her. Then she says she wan't give my daughter's clothes back. My daughter is not lending her clothes again to this girl again and we will get those clothes back,one was a brand new pair of jeans.
I am proud of her becasue she makes choices and I can see they are postive ones.
For today, she is going to the a annual Medecil faire. She is inviting a few guy freinds. Dad and brother will also go. Sallie