Am I being unreasonable (re:MIL) ?

[Meems]

: The other day, during the course of an email, I decided to tackle the "visitation" thing w/ my MIL. You may remember that she's the one that told her Dr. (when asked about a Feb app't) that SHE was having a baby! That Feb was OUT!

Sooooo.... she was saying that people will ask you dumb questions after you get home w/ the baby, how many diaper changes, etc... and I replied that my biggest worry was people bombarding us trying to visit. I went so far as to say that I was thinking of not having my mom come until after my DH goes back to work.

My DH comes home and we're talking about something else, and he says that he thinks his mom will be a PITA calling, trying to come down (she lives ~1hr away), etc and I was like, well honey, read this. He was like, well, I think she'll GET IT, but she IS my mom and we have to let her see the baby! I don't feel, at this point, that more than one visit is necessary in those first 2 weeks. I just want to be alone, bond, and get to know my baby... Am I being unreasonable??

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

not in your ddc

i don't think you are being unreasonable at all no, its only natural that you would want some uninterupted bonding time with your baby, mil will just have get over it

[taylor]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. DH and I have already agreed that we are to have absolutely NO visitors (besides my midwife) for atleast the first week, and then we'll go from there. MIL got pretty peeved a month ago when she "wasn't sure" what dates she'd be coming to visit us (she lives 5 hours away) and we told her to if she didn't show up by X date to not come until we okay it after the baby is born. I have a feeling she was trying to shoot for around the time the baby would be here, without saying anything. Which just doesn't fly with me.

Your baby may be her grandchild, but its YOUR child. I think people need to respect the parents wishes more these days.

[Meems]

Thanks-

I have been worried about this and just feel like it's better to be upfront than to be dodging calls or have her show up here unannounced. That would really make me insane. My mom has agreed that I can just call her and tell her when we want her to come. I figure that if my OWN mom is willing to hold off on coming then certainly she can, too. I am a private person and beside's, this is our first baby and I just don't want to be bothered w/ peripheral stuff, you know?

[LEAW]

Yah, have your dh call her when baby is born to make the announcement, and at the same time (pick an arbitrary date now - like 10 days old or something) have him say "And we'd LOVE for you to come visit on Feb x in the afternoon to meet your grandbaby"

And then don't answer the door when she shows up any other time! OR if she does start popping in randomly, take baby and get in bed and nurse, and "fall asleep" with baby... so she'll visit with your dh and then go home.

We just moved 6 hr away, and my mom is coming to help out for 5 days after baby - but not until after my dh is ready to go back to work (so 2+ weeks). MIL hasn't been invited yet, and unfortunately for me, she works for a major airline and can pretty much just hop a plane anytime, so I'm going to have my dh call her to make the annc. of new baby/gender/name/stats and give her a specific weekend she can come out (probably the 3rd weekend, the one after my mom).

The rest of the ILs already know they have to wait until Easter when we go home to meet baby. They are getting over it.

[LEAW]

Oh and if you really want to make MIL feel 'special' after waiting so long, you can always say "oh my mom is going to be so jealous that you got to hold thebaby first" or something.. even if it's not true, it'll work amazingwonders on MIL!

[stretchmark]

I'm having similar troubles only my MIL is a good 6 hours away. I won't go into the whole thing but I feel exactly the way you do in that I want bonding time for my family, not a bunch of visitors.
When I expressed this, it didn't go over well especially since I am having a post-partum doula who specializes in Ayurveda to give me massages and cook healing post partum food.
Good luck with whatever happens. We're fortunately/unfortunately the black sheep of the family so we're used to doing everything wrong.

[electriclady]

We've been going through something similar...it's hard explaining to everyone that I don't want visitors when I'm going to have a PP doula coming in right away.

I was able to be really structured about it with my mom--she lives a 2.5 hour plane ride away, so I had her book her tickets for 1 week after I get home from the hospital (I'm having a scheduled c-section for medical reasons, so that made planning easier). I used the excuse that I will "need her more" when my husband goes back to work--moms love to feel needed. My MIL, who lives a 4 hr drive away, has enough sense not to come when my mom is here, but when she found out when my mom was coming, she actually said to my husband, "Oh, if she's coming that late, I could just pop up for a quick visit and be gone before she gets there!" Luckily he told her NO!

Good luck with your MIL--the fact that she's only an hour away (and therefore can "pop in" unannounced) makes it harder, but at least it means that you can keep visits really short--no overnight stays!

[electriclady]

Oh and PS--my MIL also said, when we told her I was pregnant, "I'm going to have a baby!" : So I can totally identify! I wouldn't mind her coming early if I knew she would help take care of ME (like I know my mom will), but I know she's only going to want to snuggle the baby, and those are MY snuggles, dammit!

[reducereuserecycle]

I have had more anxiety about MIL during this pregnanct that anything. I almost went into panic attacks and i could feel BP raising. I do not trust her at all. I'm not going to waste my time describing her...I'm sure you all can imagine. She was a horrible mother to DH and he has just learned to try to accept that. We really havn't discussed visitation plans with her, but I think I would feel better if my mom was here at the same time. I hope it can work out that way but they both live out of town. I am planning UC lotus birth so we most likely won't have any visitors for at least 1 week. DH is taking off 2 weeks from work so I guess week 2 will be the dreaded "visitor week" I truely believe that you should not worry whose feelings you hurt about visitation. It is your baby and you know what is best for it. If you want to delay visitors you can always say that you want to give the baby time to build immunity since this is illness season. Just be thankful if you have an honest, loving, caring MIL that you do not fear.

[jilly]

i think its a good idea to start with something subtle -- if she doesn't get it you can be more direct and know that you did try to be subtle.

The great thing about breastfeeding is that you can always excuse yourself and just say "the baby needs to be fed now, and I"m not comfortable nursing in public yet" and take off to your room.

I would also try to schedule a visit AND make sure its at a time when your dh is around to run interference for you if need be. She is HIS mom, after all.

[umami_mommy]

i have an interesting situtation.. i have 3 moms!! my birthmom, my adoptive mom and my MIL. birthmom has to fly here and saty to visit. she already told me "you just tell me when you want me to come and i'll be there." she rocks.

my MIL and a-mom are both already whinning about wanting to be in my house right after the birth. uhhh, NOPE!

i told them both 3 weeks. OMG you would have thought i threatened to never let them see their grandchild. since my MIL and her BF never ever wash their hands in my hosue when they are here and he is sick all the time, i just don't want them here, period. and since my a-mom needs to be waited on hand and foot when she is here, i don't want her here either. she's tellng me she can watch my son for me... are you nuts? your only parenting skill is NO and threatening. lovely.

hopefully, right after the mws leave it will start to snow and not stop snowing for 2 weeks.

i'm thinking we might just wait a day or so to tell everyone and that might buy us some time.