or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › The Childhood Years › Daughters seeing Papa naked
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Daughters seeing Papa naked - Page 8

Poll Results: Is it okay for your toddler or older aged daughter to see her dad naked?

 
  • 2% (10)
    Not in our house. We are all private about nudity.
  • 9% (45)
    It's split by gender. Girls can see Mama, but not Pop.
  • 37% (172)
    It's not a big deal if it happens.
  • 50% (227)
    What's your hang up? We're all family here.
454 Total Votes  
post #141 of 173
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by eviesingleton View Post
That said, I don't think parenting (by itself) has much to do with it (of course, unless the parent is the abuser).

Think about how many children are abused by teachers, coaches, priests, scout leaders, other family members--all of those seem pretty traditional to me.
Those are the sensational cases that make the news, but most molested children aren't abused by priests or coaches. Usually it's an 'uncle' who is watching the kids while mom is out bar hopping, or it's the case of an eleven year old girl who is hanging out unsupervised with grown men who then treat her as though she's a consenting sexual adult.

Kids who are growing up in poverty, with substance abuse and parental neglect are profoundly vulnerable to precocious and exploitive sexual experiences, usually starting in early childhood.
post #142 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
Those are the sensational cases that make the news, but most molested children aren't abused by priests or coaches. Usually it's an 'uncle' who is watching the kids while mom is out bar hopping, or it's the case of an eleven year old girl who is hanging out unsupervised with grown men who then treat her as though she's a consenting sexual adult.

Kids who are growing up in poverty, with substance abuse and parental neglect are profoundly vulnerable to precocious and exploitive sexual experiences, usually starting in early childhood.
That's a pretty broad generalization, don't ya think? Do you have any numbers to back it up?

I was abused by my grandfather and a school janitor, and I can assure you that my mom was not out bar hopping, nor did we live in poverty. I have several friends who were abused by fathers, step-fathers and older brothers. I know of none who were abused while mom was out bar hopping or otherwise neglecting her kids.
post #143 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post

Maybe the unmolested crowds are the more traditionally parented kids? I wasn't hanging out with those kids, usually because their parents thought I was a bad influence .
i think this can be a misleading line of thought (not saying that you are perpetuating it...). Kind of like the idea that alcoholism and drug abuse are more rampant in "broken" and "dysfunctional" families, which is untrue. in fact, many, many scary and unbelievable things happen behind white picket fences and happy families with 2.5 children.

I said in my post that i was not abused and my parents divorced when i was 8, i was a latch key kid and moved and went to a different school nearly every year. i was often alone after school for about 2 hours waiting for my mom to pick me up. There were so many situations i was in that could have led me into harmful situations, but they just didn't. who knows. many factors come into play, and while there are some things that make one more at risk and lots of things we can do as parents to help and protect our kids, there are no silver bullets.
post #144 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
Those are the sensational cases that make the news, but most molested children aren't abused by priests or coaches. Usually it's an 'uncle' who is watching the kids while mom is out bar hopping, or it's the case of an eleven year old girl who is hanging out unsupervised with grown men who then treat her as though she's a consenting sexual adult.
I think you are the one who is pointing to the sensationalized cases. And no, I don't think that coaches/priests and so forth are the sensational cases. It has been stated over and over that a child is more likely to be abused by someone they know and trust, family or otherwise. And your example of the neglectful mother is just as "sensational" and mom-blaming as anything I've ever seen in the news. Sometimes mom is at a PTA meeting or buying groceries or (gasp) out with some friends playing bridge while her brother or her own father is watching the kids and they turn out to be the abuser.

Quote:
Kids who are growing up in poverty, with substance abuse and parental neglect are profoundly vulnerable to precocious and exploitive sexual experiences, usually starting in early childhood.

Sure they are, but painting this kind of generalization neglects the fact that many, many middle class children are also abused.
post #145 of 173
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by eviesingleton View Post
Sure they are, but painting this kind of generalization neglects the fact that many, many middle class children are also abused.
I'm trying to make sense of the many posters on this thread who discount the high numbers of abused kids. Because I guarantee it's not the kids from the dangerous side of the tracks telling people that they've never been abused and they don't know anyone who has. They've seen it plenty, kwim?

That doesn't mean, of course, that ONLY impoverished children, or neglected children, or children from homes shattered by substance abuse have been abused.

But, if you poll the kids from my dd's affluent, well run private preschool, kids with attentive, interested parents who know where exactly where their child is at any given moment of the day, the incidence of sexual abuse will be far less. That doensn't mean none of the children are abused. But kids running the streets at 10pm unsupervised get abused a lot more readily than those tucked safely into bed hearing a bedtime story.
post #146 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
I'm trying to make sense of the many posters on this thread who discount the high numbers of abused kids. Because I guarantee it's not the kids from the dangerous side of the tracks telling people that they've never been abused and they don't know anyone who has. They've seen it plenty, kwim?
How do you know? Until I was in my 20s, I didn't talk about my abuse until someone else had opend up first. As I said earlier, I had a very skewed notion of how many people had been sexually abused because my particular friends had been.

Quote:
But, if you poll the kids from my dd's affluent, well run private preschool, kids with attentive, interested parents who know where exactly where their child is at any given moment of the day, the incidence of sexual abuse will be far less.
How do you know? Have you polled the kids?

I still think you're painting with a pretty broad brush. And, fwiw, the high school I went to, where I met most of the friends I've been talking about, was in a quite well-to-do cacchment area. My elementary school was the one "feeder" school that was in a low-income neighbourhood. Plenty of these kids were sexually abused, without substance abuse issues, neglectful parents or poverty playing a role.

That doensn't mean none of the children are abused. But kids running the streets at 10pm unsupervised get abused a lot more readily than those tucked safely into bed hearing a bedtime story.[/QUOTE]
post #147 of 173
We all see each other naked. My kids are 3 (girl) and 5.5 (boy). We'll stop when I sense/notice discomfort by anyone.
post #148 of 173
my husband and i still walk around naked after our showers.. or to our room to get dressed or whatever. Often my dh puts boxers on the bathroom, but when we are getting ready quickly, both kids shower with both parents on occasion. I always walk naked from the bathroom to my room and I will stop when my children become uncomfortable. I dont think its necessary to make such a big deal out of it.
post #149 of 173
My son is 4 (this month) and still takes showers with us. When he decides he's uncomfortable showering with us, or seeing us naked...we'll respect that. I just don't see the big deal.
post #150 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by Papooses View Post
I'm all for helping Leila feel confident with her self, her body & people in general.... However, I was also sexually abused as a preschooler by my neighbor/tutor -- my method of coping with this added dynamic to parenting a girl was to research child gender + sexual development, discuss with therapists who help child victims of sexual abuse, etc.
I'm a survivor myself. I was abused for 6 years of my childhood. I struggled a lot with the residual effects of abuse, once I had my son. How much affection was appropriate, was I giving him too much affection? Was it ok to touch his penis while cleaning him? Was it ok for ME to talk to him about his penis once he asked questions? Being a survivor and a parent is a tough place to be in. Partly because we're told over and over that abusers are the product of abuse. The odds are against us.

Seeing adults' genitalia can & does produce confusion + arousal in most children: this can be considered sexual abuse even when there is no other sexual activity
Reading this just kills me. To be told that I'm abusing my child because he sees me naked is just...I don't even have a word to attach to my feelings. I have never seen any indication that my son is aroused by seeing DH or I naked. Showering with us is just a normal everyday activity. Otherwise, we don't just waltz around our house naked.....(well, he does because he loves to be naked). He knows that him and daddy have a "penis" and mommy has a "vagina". It's just not a big deal. Nudity isn't shamed in our house.

it disrupts the child's natural discovery of the human body & triggers anxiety over what their own body will become
I cannot buy into this either. My son has asked many questions about his body parts. He's asked daddy about his penis, since DH is cut, and DS is intact. He's asked me about my vagina as well. We answered his questions in an age appropriate manner. I feel this is all part of the "natural discovery of the human body"...no anxiety, no embarassment and no disruption in the "natural process"...however it is defined.

It is every parent's job to protect their child. However, no matter how dilligent we are about educating our children on this subject, it still happens. I made a decision not to project my own fears, discomfort and anxiety onto my children. I will do the best I can to educate them, and one day share my childhood experience with them. Until then, I take what I feel are common sense precautions to protect my child(ren).
post #151 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
I'm trying to make sense of the many posters on this thread who discount the high numbers of abused kids. Because I guarantee it's not the kids from the dangerous side of the tracks telling people that they've never been abused and they don't know anyone who has. They've seen it plenty, kwim?

.

Your posts are amazingly contradictory. The ONLY way to make sense of the high number of abused kids is to count middle and upper class kids in those numbers.
post #152 of 173
Quote:
it disrupts the child's natural discovery of the human body & triggers anxiety over what their own body will become
I can think of nothing LESS natural than imposing such rigid and puritanical guidelines.

If this work for a particular family; if this atmosphere is the most comfortable for those involved that is one thing. But I think that it is this kind of rigidity that is at the root of our culture's (Western/United States) incredibly unhealthy attitude toward nudity and sexuality and produces far more sexual pathology and predatory behavior than seeing your mum or dad nakers after a shower every now and then.

But I don't have any "evidence" so just ignore me.
post #153 of 173
I think it depends on the sensitivity of those envolved. I think the bigger deal YOU make out of the bigger deal THEY think it is. I don't want my dc to think of their bodies as shameful but at the same time it is not okay to be willey nilly
post #154 of 173
Not a big deal if it happens. Though dh is more private then I am with all of our children.
post #155 of 173
I keep waiting for the culture in the US to leave it's Puritan influence behind. Sigh. Hasn't happened yet.


It's all cultural. There are societies where everyone walks around almost completely naked. I don't think there are rampant abuse cases happening there.
post #156 of 173
Dh use to take DD in the shower alot when she was younger (she went through a phase when she hated baths) but that quickly stopped when DD grabbed ahold of DH's extra part when he bent forward to shampoo her hair....

so now DH does not get naked in front of DD....

and as a side note i must say DH made the loudest yelp when DD grabbed ahold of his man part
post #157 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
Those are the sensational cases that make the news, but most molested children aren't abused by priests or coaches. Usually it's an 'uncle' who is watching the kids while mom is out bar hopping, or it's the case of an eleven year old girl who is hanging out unsupervised with grown men who then treat her as though she's a consenting sexual adult.

Kids who are growing up in poverty, with substance abuse and parental neglect are profoundly vulnerable to precocious and exploitive sexual experiences, usually starting in early childhood.
Yeah, I'd be interested in seeing the numbers on this as well, as the people I know have been molested were abused while, in one case, their very religious mother visited with family while several other family members were doing horrifying things to one of my dearest friends, and in another case, while the rest of the family sat downstairs visiting and socializing while the abuser took advantage of the children upstairs. Oh, right, and then there's the other side of the family where the abuser also took advantage at family gatherings.

I think this is an issue that affects every family, regardless of income, class, ethnicity, social status, whatever. I think the kids who are hanging out unsupervised are being abused, as are the kids whose parents know exactly where they are and believe they are with a trustworthy adult. Sexual predators know exactly where to look for their opportunities--ALL of them.
post #158 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by roxyrox View Post
I still find it hard to accept that 25% of women are sexually abused before 18 but it does seem a lot more realistic.

It just got to me that it was quoted as "fact" that "the majority of women are sexually abused before 12 years old". 67% of women are abused before they are 12?: How can anyone believe that - it is so obviously untrue.

For the record too, I have never been abused and I don't know anyone who has and I have a wide circle of friends who are all pretty open. I think sexual abuse of children is fortunatley rare.
Do you honestly think all of your friends have TOLD you everything? It doesn't matter how open a person is, sexual abuse is not easy for everybody to talk about, IF they can talk about it at all. It's not just casual conversation. Have you asked every single one of your friends if they have experience sexual abuse as a child?
The reality is, child sexual abuse is NOT rare...it just isn't. Being a survivor myself, I have had the opportunity to talk in depth with countless girls/women over the years about sexual abuse. It's something I'm able to be rather open about. My openess has encouraged people to open up to *me* about their own experiences. Often I'm one of only a few that knows of their abuse....so don't go assuming that you don't know anybody who has experienced sexual abuse. My DH didn't open up to me about his abuse until after we were married for about 2 years. Up until then, I had been very open with him about my own experiences....yet he felt too much shame to share his experiences with me.
Based on my personal knowledge and social interactions with others who have been abused, I tend to believe the 67% statistic....rather than the 25% statistic.
post #159 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by frenchie View Post
Do you honestly think all of your friends have TOLD you everything? It doesn't matter how open a person is, sexual abuse is not easy for everybody to talk about, IF they can talk about it at all. It's not just casual conversation. Have you asked every single one of your friends if they have experience sexual abuse as a child?
And even if you do ask they may flat out lie about it. Not everyone will admit to abuse.
post #160 of 173
Quote:
Originally Posted by frenchie View Post
Do you honestly think all of your friends have TOLD you everything? It doesn't matter how open a person is, sexual abuse is not easy for everybody to talk about, IF they can talk about it at all. It's not just casual conversation. Have you asked every single one of your friends if they have experience sexual abuse as a child?
The reality is, child sexual abuse is NOT rare...it just isn't. Being a survivor myself, I have had the opportunity to talk in depth with countless girls/women over the years about sexual abuse. It's something I'm able to be rather open about. My openess has encouraged people to open up to *me* about their own experiences. Often I'm one of only a few that knows of their abuse....so don't go assuming that you don't know anybody who has experienced sexual abuse. My DH didn't open up to me about his abuse until after we were married for about 2 years. Up until then, I had been very open with him about my own experiences....yet he felt too much shame to share his experiences with me.
Based on my personal knowledge and social interactions with others who have been abused, I tend to believe the 67% statistic....rather than the 25% statistic.
I am nearly 100% certain that none of my friends I had growing up was sexually abused. We all lived in the same street, went to the same school, I knew their parents well. We saw each other every single day. There was no abuse going on.

As for my friends I have made as an adult, at university, I would be so, so surprised if any of them had been sexually abused either. It is a subject that we have talked about (commenting on stories of abuse in the media for example) and they have all, like me expressed utter horror that anyone could do such things to a child. They (like me) find it hard to imagine because it is so far removed from their own experiences growing up.

I find it sad that people can believe that the majority of children in our society are abused before they are 12 years old.:
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Childhood Years
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › The Childhood Years › Daughters seeing Papa naked