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Were YOU spanked as a child? - Page 10

Poll Results: Were YOU spanked as a child?

 
  • 20% (145)
    Yes, I was abused
  • 18% (131)
    Yes, I was spanked on a regular basis, but I wouldn't consider myself "abused."
  • 25% (181)
    Yes, I was spanked several times a year
  • 24% (172)
    Yes, I was spanked 1-4 times in my entire childhood
  • 8% (60)
    Nope, I was never spanked. :)
  • 2% (16)
    Other
705 Total Votes  
post #181 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by WuWei View Post
Anyone who was taught to believe that they "deserved" to be hit, were emotionally abused, imo.


Pat
Quoting myself. It needed to be repeated. No one deserves to be hit. Certainly not children. People are not meant for hitting. Children are people too.


Pat
post #182 of 206
I was spanked with a belt and hands. I always heard, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you . . . " Yeah, right.

But I have to say the emotional abuse was worse. Mom confessed to me when I was grown that she could punish my brother by spanking him. He would cry and she would consider him sufficiently punished. That didn't work with me, she said. Instead, she would just tell me that what I'd done had really hurt her. I would burst into tears when she told me that. That became my punishment. Needless to say, I still feel responsible for everyone's feelings.
post #183 of 206
I vote for abuse although I doubt my parents would see it that way even now. I missed several days of school in 2nd or 3rd grade after being hit in the head with a flying shoe and probably having a concussion, but never taken to a hospital. Numerous times all 4 of us were lined up and beaten with a belt until we "confessed" to whatever dad was after us about. I was asked at least twice about marks on my legs although for some reason I never told anyone my dad was the reason for them. When I was older I also had a phone ripped out of the wall in front of me while trying to call 911 to report him for child abuse when he was beating on one of my brothers. All this by an ordained minister. Is it any wonder I have nothing to do with organized religion?
post #184 of 206
I checked "abused". It's weird though because I was actually spanked very little compared to many others. Lots of being smacked, hair pulled, pushed, shaken and that sort of stuff though.

There was a weird sexual undertone to many of the punishments, that seems to have messed me up pretty badly.

I still say the verbal and emotional abuse was the worse. Man were my parents good at it to. I've still yet to hear people scream as loud as they could.
post #185 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2much2luv View Post
I was spanked regularly, not abused. I struggle with the urge to spank my own children.

ditto, it is the worst part of being spanked to me is the anger=violence cycle it creates. It is hard to break but i WILL do it so this cycle can die with me
post #186 of 206
I was spanked a several times a year, almost always with a wooden spoon -- sometimes it was broken over my bottom. It's odd to me that I don't think this was abusive, but I certainly would if someone did it to my child.
post #187 of 206
nak...so please excuse typos

This is a little OT, but this thread really reminded me of one of my professors from college (Cultural Anthropology--Bob Dentan) who is pretty well known for his work with the Semai (a non-violent people from Malasia) and one of the major parts of his work was about how they don't punish their children. I would assume someone on here knows about them, but for those of you who don't, you may want to read about them, it's interesting. (okay, well, I didn't read his work since I got it straight from the source... but I assume he writes as well as he speaks) But anyway, the Semai never force their children to do something that they don't want to, because their children have their own will.

Dentan spent a lot of time with us talking about how "children aren't people" culturally, and the example he used was that "That's why it's okay to hit them. You would never hit another adult, or treat them as poorly as you do your child." But I guess when he brought up spanking to the Semai, they didn't understand what good it was supposed to do, and he noted that after a child said they didn't want to do something, and the parent recognized that it was within their right to do that, eventually, they got up and did it, because "children want to do good things and generally want to please their parents". He also spoke of how, if you pay a little attention to children they will generally want to keep you happy, because generally society ignores children completely...because they aren't people.

Sorry for the long post, but this post reminded me that there are cultures of the world (not many, that's why the Semai are so noteworthy)that view children as people, and whatever is "necessary" about spanking and punishment certainly isn't universally accepted (on a cultural level). Dentan speculates that, at least here in America, we spank because we want children to fear us, because it's easier to control children (or anyone, really)that way. : I still remember his confusion at why you would want your child to fear you! However, as a culture, the idea that you don't have to forcibly control your children is just remarkable.


So, long story short, good for you for seeing spanking as abusive, and recognizing your children as people by not treating them as lesser than that!
post #188 of 206
lexmas, thank you for sharing that information. I'm going to look into it!! Consider checking out our website about living consensually, even with children. It is in my sig line. In our family, no one has to do anything they don't want to do.

Pat
post #189 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nimbus View Post
I was spanked a several times a year, almost always with a wooden spoon .... It's odd to me that I don't think this was abusive, but I certainly would if someone did it to my child.
Yes, I voted regularly but not abusive...I was spanked with an open hand, wooden spoon, spatula/whatever kitchen utensil that was 'appropriate', and a belt (often).
I still don't feel abused, I love my parents and have a wonderful relationship with them; however when I really think about it, man, that's pretty nasty...a leather belt?? Sheesh, if anybody did that to my kids I'd never see or speak to them again! I'd quite probably report them to the police for abuse as well.
post #190 of 206
abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.
post #191 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.
I'm sorry you've been run off in the past, candipooh. I've seen it happen in other forums for other reasons. We should be here to help and support each other, not to judge. Otherwise we do run the risk of becoming our parents and reverting back to how we were raised (I'm at my worst when I'm acting like my mother).

I'd be happy to participate in a supportive, non-judgmental thread with you about controlling anger (and the not-so-attractive behaviors that come from it). While I've never hit my child, I struggle all the time with my anger that comes from the abuse I received (physical and, especially, emotional). I'd love to swap ideas for how to quiet those feelings. I think that this thread right here suggests that there's a need for it.

Kelly
post #192 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ex Libris View Post

I'd be happy to participate in a supportive, non-judgmental thread with you about controlling anger


Thank you.

Yesterday was a very bad day for me.
post #193 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naughty Dingo View Post
I was spanked often with a wooden spoon or hairbrush. In the past I have never considered it abuse, but if I did it to my kids I would consider it abuse.......

ND
Yeah...that's how I feel too.
post #194 of 206
I was going to say yes to regularly, but not abuse, until I had my own kids, and started to remember. My mom would deny, but I would say what she did to me was abuse. The only time she hit us was in a rage. And usually with things. The last time she did it I was 16, I was bigger than her, and she hit me with an open umbrella several time. We were going to family therapy at the time. I told the counselor, who told my mom that if she did it again, she would report her. The story of my childhood is longer than this, but I feel like I was physically and emotionally abused. I have issues with spanking our kids. I hate spanking, but have spanked my daughter 2-3 times. I hate myself for it.:

OT- My mom has changed a lot, and has admitted to not being the greatest mom. I know she would never spank my kids, but I still have trust issues with her. It's a difficult road.
post #195 of 206
There are two long, non-judgmental threads in Personal Growth and Parenting Issues. Both threads have been helping mamas for more than a year.

"Parenting and Rage": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

"My Challenge, My Love": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

Anyone is welcome to read the journey and stories of many mamas who have been through similar struggles. Please consider reading and sharing your challenges there, or here in the GD forum.

Pat
post #196 of 206
Wow. I don't like looking at all the abuse voted... unfortunatley, I voted it also. Seeing as there were multiple instances of belts and welts, hair dragging, and doubled up fist or open handed face slapping, I can't really get around it. Of course, he would say that I deserved it, it must have been my fault for disrespecting him....

Yeah right. That's called an anger problem.
post #197 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by WuWei View Post
There are two long, non-judgmental threads in Personal Growth and Parenting Issues. Both threads have been helping mamas for more than a year.

"Parenting and Rage": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

"My Challenge, My Love": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

Anyone is welcome to read the journey and stories of many mamas who have been through similar struggles. Please consider reading and sharing your challenges there, or here in the GD forum.

Pat
Thanks for finding these threads.
post #198 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by WuWei View Post
Quoting myself. It needed to be repeated. No one deserves to be hit. Certainly not children. People are not meant for hitting. Children are people too.


Pat

I agree. It makes me so sad to hear people saying they "deserved" to be hit. No one deserves to have her/his body violated. We even have laws against hitting adult prisoners for "misbehaving" (in the absence of self-defense). Why would a child be more deserving of violence than a convicted murderer/rapist, etc? She/he isn't.
post #199 of 206
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.

I am sorry you were run off in the past. This forum exists to help people discipline gently and I think you absolutely belong here if you struggle with that and have the courage and desire to change. I hope you get nothing but support and good advice and that you stick around. Hopefully the threads WuWei posted will be helpful to you. We are all here to help, not judge. The only people who aren't welcome here are those who insist on rationalizing/defending/celebrating violence against children.
post #200 of 206
yes
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