Why do I feel like the worst mom ever?

[ambitiousmommy]

I try so hard, mamas. I go to school online FT, I work FT and support all 4 of us (me, dd1, dd2, and dh) because dh stays home to care for the kids so I can do my work at home job for a corporation. I work overnights. I can't get my 2 1/2 year old to sleep. Neither can my husband. I enrolled her in Early Childhood Ed and she can't even go because she can't wake up.... not that I can either. I have severe PPD and have been on so many drugs including 2 benzodiazepines at a time, to the point where even LCs are telling me that I may want to stop BFing, but I refuse, and pump as much as I can, which is a bottle a day. I try to put her on the breast and she screams and I have a panic attack. So bottles it is. I supplement with the least horrible formula I can - Alimentum - even if it breaks us financially. I take as many natural supplements for depression as I can but just can't handle it. I have superwoman syndrome. I feel like there aren't enough hours in a day. I want to homeschool, cloth diaper, breastfeed, take my kids to playgroups, museums, work full time so I can support us, and have an education. I want a clean house, an organized house, and a happy husband. I want to get over the grief of my mom and sister's deaths. I want to make a plan to divorce my husband for his internet infidelity and porn addiction. I want to be independent, happy, and calm. Instead, I'm a nervous wreck who feels like such a failure everywhere. I can't even wake up or find time to take my kid to playgroups. She has no friends her age. She doesn't even know how to react around other kids. I'm so frustrated!!

[earthwise]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
You definitely have too much on your plate it seems, and you need to take care of yourself FIRST. Maybe you can put school off, just for now, so you can get some much needed rest. I cannot stress enough how important your health is for the sake of the whole family. Your husbands problems will be there later....when you're strong enough to deal with them.
Are you getting counselling in addition to drug therapy?
I suffered from PPD, and everything felt hopeless, until I saw a light after 6 months of weekly therapy. Goodluck to you.

[kalisis]

Wow mama...you have a LOT on your plate. That's really a lot to ask of anyone, really.

Is there any family nearby who could help out? It sounds like you need a breather for yourself, to get your head together.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to cut yourself some slack, sometimes the worst pressure is the pressure we put on ourselves.

s mama.

[woodstar]

how in the world do you manage all those responsibilities? :

be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that you are tired/overworked! i dont know of anyone who could handle a load like that. so, dont beat yourself up because you arent a super robot. you are a wonderful momma! i only work part time, and i still cant get it all together.

hope you feel better soon...

faye

[Molliejo]

Originally Posted by anniej

I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to cut yourself some slack, sometimes the worst pressure is the pressure we put on ourselves.

s mama.

Yes! Sometimes being a good mom is just being there, and it doesn't matter if there is tomato sauce splattered on the counter or if you have even washed you hair that day.

It's a hard thing to do sometimes, but just take things one at a time.

Hugs to you!

[maygee]

It's obvious you want the very best for your family, and that means you have to take good care of yourself! Can you ask your husband to take over some duties? Can you let go of a few of those "musts"? I was always afraid to ask for help, but I can't tell you how wonderful it was to allow myself to let go of all these "have to's" Sorry you have to go through this- you sound like an amazingly strong woman!

[ambitiousmommy]

Thank you everyone for your advice and pats on the back, I need them. It seems like all the moms here and moms I've met have it so together that I feel like such a failure. I am in counseling once a week. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and my mom was never really there, so I think I'm striving so hard to be the perfect mom. That's the "A-HA!" right there. LOL I have to support us right now - I'm the one with the earning power - but I would give anything to just be a SAHM. :

[misseks]

I hear the frustration in your typing. I understand wanting to be able to do all those things. But you really need to sit down and prioritize. Certainly, you need to keep your job, or you need to trade 'jpbs' with dh. I might suggest that you can take a year off from studies, while your kids are little, and so you can regroup and get some sleep!

Take care of yourself, go easy on yourself, be gentle with yourself, and don't judge yourself. Life is not a race, especially when you number one job is being a good mommy (which, of course, means being a good you first!)

Take care Mama.