Usually when my daughter comes to me with a problem, I think back to when I was her age and use my own experience as a starting point. Up to now, that’s worked really well for us. She says she likes hearing about my experiences and what I did to handle different situations. Now she is coming to me for advice about something I can’t relate to at all and it’s stirring up some real issues for me. I was hesitant about asking about this because from the outside it seems like a really superficial problem. It’s really bothering my daughter, though, so I want to take it as seriously as possible.
Some background -- starting in Grade Four (the grade my daughter is in now), I went from being just an ordinary looking kid to being, well, kind of an Ugly Duckling. Over the following years I had it all: misshapen features, badly crooked teeth, terrible acne, serious weight issues, facial hair, every day was a bad hair day, my clothes never fit me right etc. My parents never missed a chance to tell me how homely I was. Looking at pictures, I can see that I grew into my looks during high school and I was actually quite attractive. Because of my parents’ comments, however, I was in my early twenties before I could look in the mirror and not cry. I was no supermodel or anything but I wasn't breaking any mirrors either.
Now that I’m older, I’m comfortable in my own skin and I don’t give my appearance much thought beyond wanting to be fit and healthy. However, whether we like it or not, a lot of preteen and teen girls think about stuff like this. I can remember those years and how much it hurt to look at the Beautiful Girls (you know the ones, the girls who looked like they just stepped out of a teen magazine) in middle- and high school and wish that I could be like them. I thought that if I could just have what they had my life would be perfect.
I have done my best to raise my daughter to see that people come in all shapes and sizes and that that is something to be celebrated. I don’t want her to have the kind of self-esteem problems I did so I don’t put a lot of emphasis on anyone’s physical appearance. So far, so good. Looks just aren’t an issue for her. She thinks everyone is beautiful in their own way and that beauty comes from inside. She has very little interest in fashion beyond having favorite colors and preferring jeans to skirts. She thinks being smart, caring, and brave is more important than being pretty. That’s why she doesn’t really understand what has started happening to her and she keeps asking me what I did when I was in her shoes.
The difficulty is that she isn't having the problems I had. Through some twist of genetics, my daughter has turned out to be one of those Beautiful Girls. She doesn’t know what to do when people make a big deal over her physical appearance. It bugs her when people compliment her on her looks instead of her abilities. She doesn’t get why some girls seem to hate her but, at the same time, want to be around her all the time. She doesn’t know how to handle the (very innocent) attention she’s starting to get from boys. I’ve even noticed some of the other moms at her school getting defensive around me about what their daughters look like. My little girl is a sweet, kind, intelligent person who also happens to look like a miniature Breck girl (I’m dating myself here).
So, moms who were preteen/teen beauties, help me out here. If and when she develops any of the problems I had, I have a whole body of knowledge to back me up but right now I can’t relate to the issues she’s having. When you were that age, were you aware of your looks? How did you field compliments about your appearance? Did you ever feel like people didn’t take you as seriously because you were pretty?
Some background -- starting in Grade Four (the grade my daughter is in now), I went from being just an ordinary looking kid to being, well, kind of an Ugly Duckling. Over the following years I had it all: misshapen features, badly crooked teeth, terrible acne, serious weight issues, facial hair, every day was a bad hair day, my clothes never fit me right etc. My parents never missed a chance to tell me how homely I was. Looking at pictures, I can see that I grew into my looks during high school and I was actually quite attractive. Because of my parents’ comments, however, I was in my early twenties before I could look in the mirror and not cry. I was no supermodel or anything but I wasn't breaking any mirrors either.
Now that I’m older, I’m comfortable in my own skin and I don’t give my appearance much thought beyond wanting to be fit and healthy. However, whether we like it or not, a lot of preteen and teen girls think about stuff like this. I can remember those years and how much it hurt to look at the Beautiful Girls (you know the ones, the girls who looked like they just stepped out of a teen magazine) in middle- and high school and wish that I could be like them. I thought that if I could just have what they had my life would be perfect.
I have done my best to raise my daughter to see that people come in all shapes and sizes and that that is something to be celebrated. I don’t want her to have the kind of self-esteem problems I did so I don’t put a lot of emphasis on anyone’s physical appearance. So far, so good. Looks just aren’t an issue for her. She thinks everyone is beautiful in their own way and that beauty comes from inside. She has very little interest in fashion beyond having favorite colors and preferring jeans to skirts. She thinks being smart, caring, and brave is more important than being pretty. That’s why she doesn’t really understand what has started happening to her and she keeps asking me what I did when I was in her shoes.
The difficulty is that she isn't having the problems I had. Through some twist of genetics, my daughter has turned out to be one of those Beautiful Girls. She doesn’t know what to do when people make a big deal over her physical appearance. It bugs her when people compliment her on her looks instead of her abilities. She doesn’t get why some girls seem to hate her but, at the same time, want to be around her all the time. She doesn’t know how to handle the (very innocent) attention she’s starting to get from boys. I’ve even noticed some of the other moms at her school getting defensive around me about what their daughters look like. My little girl is a sweet, kind, intelligent person who also happens to look like a miniature Breck girl (I’m dating myself here).
So, moms who were preteen/teen beauties, help me out here. If and when she develops any of the problems I had, I have a whole body of knowledge to back me up but right now I can’t relate to the issues she’s having. When you were that age, were you aware of your looks? How did you field compliments about your appearance? Did you ever feel like people didn’t take you as seriously because you were pretty?
). It comes down to learning to be comfortable in your own skin.
