Why do you always put me in my room mom?

[Mattsmom]

Thats what my 4 year old said. I had to explain to him that he has to have punishments and thats as effective as I can get it without hitting him. I asked him if he wanted spankings or being put in his room. Of course the response was neither. Then I go on to tell him that mommy and uncle were hit with whatever was handy for being mean to each other and it was usually a belt. Now does being put in your room sound better? Then there was silence, I think he left it at that.

I didn't tell him that I remember the huge welts (sp/) all over my legs too, might have traumatized him too much, lol.

I did ask my mom if it was effective in getting my brother and I to stop fighting and she said "no". Exactly! The *wonderful* memories in exchange for nothing! Thanks mom.

T

[untomySelf]

great articles /resources

http://www.naturalchild.org/home/

[Liz]

Read "How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". They explain why they feel (and I agree ) that punishment in any form does not work in the long run.

[Mattsmom]

I've read alot of books about discipline but I just hate it when my 4 year old son is aggressive to my 1 year old daugther when she takes his toys. She is a real fireball and when he's playing alone she loves to push his buttons about 95% of the time. He just hates being bothered by her when he doesn't feel like it. This is usually why he goes into his room, he only stays in there for a couple of minutes. Basically to remove him from the situation and give him a second to cry out is feelings. Alot of times he just needs a good cry.

So what do you do in a situation where there is sibling fighting? I hate punishing him in any way but I'm really tired of it all.

T

[Alexander]

No-one ever needs to be punished! Or threatened.

This is not the way we should go. Removing him from the situation? Why isolation? Why not a time out with you eating apple slices so you can discuss the situation?

This boy needs two things that I can think of straight off.

1) Protection.
2) Tools he can trust.


1) you need to be around your younger one more. If you move to another room, take her too.

2) Practice with him that he should come and get you if she's bugging him. Practice with him. Don't just tell him the words he should say, ask him to say them, you say your responce, he says his words and then you both "do" the action (you go into the room were he was bothered and you pick up a doll that represents the child).

After he's got this in his mind, whenever he has a problem, drop everything and act upon it. Only in this way wil he learn to trust your system.

The DD you have has no idea that she is causing trouble. You need to explain that to him too. It is no use showing him how you deal with it. She will be persistant and just piss him off.

Hope this helps for starters.

a

[untomySelf]

Ib agree with Alexander to help him, be with him and help him develop resources instead of being the one he should fear, being the one that gets the negative attention.

I also wanted to add, why dont you help him get more privacy and actually support his need to not be bugged?

Move her away, tell her gently and quietly that her brother is working on somehting important and that she can assist you,

Dont worry about the whole "share" thing. I personally think its a croc and unnecessary. Children share from their heart naturally and in their own time. Ive seen this over and over. They also will naturally do this (in their time not ours) when they feel empowered, heard and respected and seen this kindness modelled.
Good luck

[Alexander]

Originally posted by untomySelf
Dont worry about the whole "share" thing. I personally think its a croc and unnecessary.

I agree. The more children are told to share, the less enclined they are to want to because they feel threatened.

To get children into the habbit of sharing, you need to shere with them...

"would you like to share my ice-cream?"

"Come and share my apple slices! Sharing is nice!"

"OH! I love you so much! Let's all share some apple puree. I'll feed you, and you feed her."

Hope this helps.

a

[Mattsmom]

Thank you for all your responses. I practice many of the things you are talking about but there are situations where I cannot always be in the room or be with my daughter to keep her away from his toys and things will escalate before I can get there to prevent them. Even if I were to take her with me wherever I go she always makes her way back to the fire.

My daughter is very manipulative and for only 19 months old she knows exactly what she's doing when she purposely takes his toys away from him, which is about 90% of the time they are playing together. She loves to work him and will sometimes look back at me with this evil little grin to see if I'm watching her grab or destroy them. She knows if he hits her for this he will be put in his room so she feels she can get away with murder.

I also know she's aware of what she is doing because when my son is in an exceptionally good mood he will work with her on just about everything and she will stay back and mind her manners when he treats her with respect without all the yelling. Of course this is very rare, because he is one moody kid and is easily set off by someone disrupting what he was working on. She knows this too and works off of it. All she wants is his respect, but its so hard to teach a 4 year old boy to be patient with a 1 year old when the mood is just not there.

A huge obstactle with this whole situation is that they cannot live without each other, they love each other to death and my son craves to be with my daughter but she is just not playmate material yet and I'm sure it upsets him.

So basically I would love to not ever have to punish my son but hitting or pushing another child, especially a 1 year old, is not right and putting him in his room is the only way I can get through to him. Most of the time when he raises his hand to her he'll hold back as if he remembers what will happen if he does it. Now I just have to work on his yelling at her all day long since he's not allowed to use force.

Any suggestions on how to remedy this whole situation?

Thanks,
T
Mommy to 4 year old son and 19 month old daughter

[mamaduck]

My daughter is very manipulative and for only 19 months old she knows exactly what she's doing when she purposely takes his toys away from him

I doubt it. Really. Toddlers take whatever another kid has. All of them do it. The fact that someone else has it is what makes it seem exciting.

She knows if he hits her for this he will be put in his room so she feels she can get away with murder.

I cannot imagine that she is thinking it through to this extent, and even if she is, I cannot imagine that she WANTS to be hit in the face!

Really your baby is just being a baby. She is not manipulative. She is not "out to get" anyone, or intending to be bad.

A huge obstactle with this whole situation is that they cannot live without each other, they love each other to death and my son craves to be with my daughter but she is just not playmate material yet and I'm sure it upsets him

This is not an obstacle! This is wonderful!! This is what you need to use to their advantage.

You really cannot leave a 4 year old and a 1 year old child to play alone together. For one thing, it isn't safe. For another, it is expecting too much of either of them to play nicely without grown-up help. You (or someone) needs to be right their "coaching" both of them about how to interact, so that they can have succesful interactions.

Now I just have to work on his yelling at her all day long since he's not allowed to use force.

This is good, actually. It is good if he uses "words" and not force. I often tell my kids "use your words." Its okay for siblings to be expressive with each other. Its okay for him to say, "Don't do that! That makes me mad!" Its good for them to speak to each other this way, to establish their boundries and to make their feelings known. It is definately MUCH better than hitting!

[NoraB]

I know that I shamelessly plug this book, but I can't help it! I highly recommend Positive Discipline. I also agree that punishment is not the answer here. It's really unreasonable to expect 2 children that young to play nicely together alone. They need supervision. I would also strongly recommend NOT punishing the 4 year old while "letting the 19 month old get away w/ murder." That may send the message (even if you don't intend to) that you love the younger child more. If anything, you might give both children a non-punative time-out when these situations arise.

I also think that it's essential to help the 4 year old learn to voice his feelings and not resort to physical aggression. It's okay for him to be mad and say so; it's not okay to hit. You might also have to remove the 19 month old from the situation from time to time to give the 4 year old a break. Perhaps you could let him have friends over and keep the 19 month old occupied so that he can enjoy his friends and toys w/o interference. KWIM?

I also agree that the 19 month old is probably not trying to be awful. She's most likely just investigating cause and effect. That's normal. She may also be very spirited. I recommend reading Raising Your Spirited Child (I humbly apologize for yet another shameless plug ) Good luck to you!