Intrusive Thoughts - Page 2

[2Sweeties1Angel]

I'm completely paranoid about DD2 dying. It's especially bad for me because I have lost an infant. I know I won't lose her the same way because I stopped vaccinating, but there's always SIDS, etc. I was the same way with DD1 until she was almost a year old.

[doula mary]

I know, after losing a baby at 14 weeks....after a tramatic birth with ds#2..it really started a challenging time for me...after my loss....LOTS of phobias...came....which was weird because I was NOT phobic before hand!

I think Pregnancy and loss or a difficult birth...may start some things in some women?????????

I also think, when you treasure your child, you realize that your sanity..is completely wrapped up with your child and that makes you feel vunerable?!

Mary

[maliceinwonderland]

Wow..I had always thought it was just me. I have these thoughts now, and my dd is seven. I still check on her several times a night before I go to bed and freak out occasionally during my work day when I'm away from her. The part that scares me most is that these aren't regular "omg, something could happen" thoughts..it's more like you're absolutely sure something is going to happen - like a pp said thinking it was the last time she would see her baby alive. That's exactly the kind of thoughts I have, all the freaking time!

Whew..I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I must say I'm glad it's not just me. I've never brought it up with anyone because I was sure they would translate it into some weird subconcious desire to hurt my kid or something, which is so far from being the case.

Oddly enough, I don't seem to worry about this pregnancy at all..which actually makes me feel guilty

[Demeter9]

Originally Posted by doula mary

I also think, when you treasure your child, you realize that your sanity..is completely wrapped up with your child and that makes you feel vunerable?!

Oh so possible. I worry occassionally that I would lose my mind if something bad happened to them. That I'd just snap.

[maliceinwonderland]

Originally Posted by Demeter9

Oh so possible. I worry occassionally that I would lose my mind if something bad happened to them. That I'd just snap.

I relate to this completely. I've told my SO before, that if anything happened to dd, I'm certain I would take my own life. I know without her, there would just be nothing left for me.

[woolywahm]

Yes, I do think that losing someone so precious is the worst thing imaginable. I don't like to think too much about the what if's.

I'd rather appreciate the incredible amount of love that I never knew I was capable of, and that we are all, here, experiencing.

That, I hope, is what our children will carry with them through life.

[milliegirl]

I am so relieved to see other mamas talking about this. I had HORRIBLE postpartum anxiety/OCD after the birth of my DD 11 weeks ago. Sending all of the mamas struggling w/ postpartum issues lots of .

Lynn

[xeper]

Tired, depressed, hopefully not off topic.

Originally Posted by Chicky2

I sometimes lie there at night and worry that I might not wake up and my dh won't notice I'm dead when he gets up to go to work and my baby will just lie there and cry all day. I haven't told anyone because I figure it's hormonal. So I'm not nutso?

Have had this exact same feeling. Literally, that exact thought - sounds like you are certainly not alone.


Sorry if I am bringing up an old thread or something but just reading through and wondering if anyone experiencing these kinda things has been diagnosed as bipolar? I mean bipolar people becoming anxious etc after birth of child??
It's just something I have suspected for awhile maybe I should make a new thread this seems completely off-topic...
It's just that I feel JUST like you guys but with the addition of super-great days. I mean cleaning the house laundry dishes baking a cake painting singing dancing feeling like a half-decent mother for once... oh for these days to be more often.

[rob's_mom]

I'm still working through my ocd/pp anxiety. Its good to know I'm not alone.

[Evelyn'sMom]

I thought just after I had my LO that it was possible I may have had PPD. Looking back (and even now) I know I did, and still do I think? My DD is almost a year old, and I still have wierd thoughts about her getting hurt. When she was a newborn, I didn't want to go anywhere because I was so worried about what could happen. I had the same thoughts that many of you described... that I could trip while walking with her, or I could accidentally bump her head into the doorway. And, I had the thoughts about different ways I could die... not nessesarily suicidal thoughts (but some were) but also thoughts of accidents that could happen to me. I knew the thoughts were irrational, but I couldn't help it. I too would wake up in the middle of the night feeing frantic that there was something wrong, and I would check on her consantly. I also cried numerous times a day when she was little. Thank goodness I don't do that any more. I guess even when I realized something was wrong with me, I was so adament that taking meds would effect her health through my breastfeeding her, that I didn't want to see a doc about it. Are there any meds that you can take that are considered safe for breastfeeding moms? If this happens again when we have our second child, I know I'll need to take something!!

[IzMom]

Me too

I suffered, too, with PPD/OCD and intrusive thoughts. It was paralyzing. I was afraid to do anything with her and the thoughts left me chilled and upset. It took me 6 weeks to tell anyone about it, including DH. I thought if anyone knew that I was having these thoughts/visions about DD getting hurt, that they would take her away from me and not trust me. I knew this was a form of PPD bc of things I had read on the internet and it was relieving to know that I was not crazy.
My mw recommend the Postpartum Stress Center (which was wonderful, but not supported by my health insurance), and from there I went on to see a psychiatrist and battle it without drugs.
I read somewhere that PPD/OCD is the mothering instinct going into overdrive. That we become so overprotective that we are hypervigilant about identifying things that could hurt our babies... and even creating unlikely scenarios in our heads. Knowing that helped me.
Talk therapy worked well for me, as did sleeping as much as possible, keeping my schedule very limited and underactive (not trying to "do it all"), making sure I ate properly and getting out by myself every now and then.
It does get better... it just takes time... and remember, you are a good mom!

[autumnlily]

Originally Posted by xeper

Sorry if I am bringing up an old thread or something but just reading through and wondering if anyone experiencing these kinda things has been diagnosed as bipolar? I mean bipolar people becoming anxious etc after birth of child??
It's just something I have suspected for awhile maybe I should make a new thread this seems completely off-topic...
It's just that I feel JUST like you guys but with the addition of super-great days. I mean cleaning the house laundry dishes baking a cake painting singing dancing feeling like a half-decent mother for once... oh for these days to be more often.

You make a good point, and thought I would share my personal story in regards to nearly being diagnosed bipolar:

My primary physician sent me to mental health thinking I was bipolar and I knew both my Doctor and the counselor were wrong (all of my symptoms occured after birth and I was so unrecognizable to myself) - so I found a local PPD group and Pyschologist that specialized in PPD and was reassured that I was not bipolar. My intrusive thoughts, rage, anxiety and energy level (highs and lows) have all evened out and significantly gotten better with time and counseling. I'm truly amazed in the difference in myself these past six months (it took me 9 months before seeking help).

To the original poster: I highly agree with the other women who have shared their success - talk about it, write it down and see a counselor if possible. And, know, it DOES get better. HUGS

[wendyland]

I know this thread is a couple months old, but I'm glad I found it. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with my 3rd. I've noticed that after I have a baby, I have all of these irrational thoughts and scenarios going on in my head. Especially if I'm too close to stairs or places that the baby can fall. I would think "OMG, she could just fall out of my arms and down the stairs". I would hug them tightly anytime I was in a place with tall heights & would get scared if anyone else was holding them.

I never thought about this as being part of PPD before. I've always told people that I don't get PPD, but I totally see the correlation now. It usually takes a few months for the thoughts to stop. I think that knowing that it's a biological response will help me get through it this time.

I do think I better warn my husband of it. This is his first.

[prothyraia]

This is something I've just now started to feel like I'm getting under control I think there's a difference between normal new mom worry and something pathological.

My worry/panic seemed to be triggered especially when things seem to be going really well. I call this 'cinema syndrome'. Because in movies (television, books, theatre, whatever), as soon as something is going wonderfully...something awful is about to happen. "Happily ever after" just isn't' very dramatic.

I had to examine why I didn't want to let go of these thoughts. It's really very hard, especially when you believe in the power of intuition. Obviously these intrusive thoughts are something negative and are *preventing* me from living happily with my child. But what if I ignore these unproductive negative thoughts and then end up ignoring a genuine intuition of danger right along with them? What if I'm right? What if my baby really does die tonight and I miss this last chance to bond with him? What if he actually has stopped breathing and I don't get out of the shower *right now* with suds in my hair to check on him? What if I find him after ignoring that thought, how could I ever forgive myself?

There's also the idea that I should, somehow, be able to control everything and keep him safe no matter what and have the god-like power to prevent these things from happening. And if I stop worrying about them, then I'm abdicating my responsibility to do so. I had real trouble accepting the idea that yes, something terrible might happen and I might not be able to prevent it.

The two things that have helped me are, when confronted by these thoughts, to remind myself that 1. The universe is actually a nurturing place and isn't out to get me and steal my dreams, 2. I am not in control of the universe and no matter how much I worry, I can't assure my baby will be safe- therefore worry *more* won't keep him safer, and 3. I need to trust myself to be able to receive a genuine intuition, and that if I do get one it will come with an appropriate degree of force and I'll be out of that shower with the suds still in my hair before I have time to actually *THINK* about it. I won't need to "wonder" if he's okay, I will *know* that he's not, if it's something I'm capable of knowing.

I won't say I'm completely over it, but it is a lot better.

[whitewolfgrrrl]

I have these recurring horrible thought as well and I'm 24weeks pregnant. I constantly worry that something bad will happen to my baby and I cant shut my brain up.. He's healthy, moves around a lot, etc etc etc.. and there's no real good reason for my worry, but I cant seem to make it go away.

Did anyone else experience this DURING pregnancy? Are your kids okay now despite any negative thoughts that you may have had?

[mamabearsoblessed]

Me too. Me too. Me too.

With my first it was so bad that when people would tell me 'sleep when the baby sleeps' I would think them irrational. How could I do that?! I have to watch her breathe!!!!

I would lay listening to her breathe and was terrified of walking down the stairs. There was a window at the bottom and I was affraid we would fall and tumble out. When people would try to visit in the beginning, and not so beginning , I would hold her up in front of the window and keep the door locked. Sometimes it'd get a chuckle at first but everyone was genuinely confused when finding I was serious . I was terrified she would contract something she couldn't fight. I even refused to have the flowers from her birth in the house, in case she was so allergic she couldn't breathe on her own. I gave my dog to my sister for 3 weeks as I was terrified to have her near the baby, though I raised her and trained her from 7 weeks (she eventually came home and all was well). I remember her first night home from the hospital she had a meconium blowout and hadn't wet and when I called her pedi they told me to bring her to the er because she may be having a kidney problem (?! WTF!!!) wespent that night, New years eve!!! in a city er with a 2 day old and I brought her in her bucket seat because she was sleeping so soundly, and covered her seat with my body until I was cramped and stiff. I beleived I could see the germs jumping at her. At that point I hadn't slept in days. I think it all started there and didn't improve for many months. As desperately as we wanted another child, the fear sometimes paralyzed me.
At the time I thought all of my fears and worries were rational.
It was so terrifying.
I was better prepared when my 2nd was born, though I started on zoloft when he was 5 mos.
I am 16 weeks now and think about my ppd and discuss it with my m/w regularly. We have a bit of a plan this time around I think .

I also experienced a dark place following each loss that was more than just grief for me. It felt very crazy quite honestly.
For me it was never fear of hurting the babies or myself but the anxiety of something terrible happening. Something out of control, something desperate...

My dc are happy, healthy, content and confident kids. It amazes me.


Many all around.
It is so hard.
Just so hard.

sorry for the ramble

[melissa kerins]

I think every mom has some form of this PPD OCD or not. With that being said I have OCD and PPD and I had (and still have) a hard time. I thought about death all the time (even planned taking my life) always waiting for that bad thing to happen. I tried therapy and you know I didnt like it And I didnt feel like it helped me. I have some lady telling me to snap a rubber band on wrist everytime I have a thought? I dont think so. What helped me was a lot of meds and trying to rationalize the situation. It is time consuming but if when you have these intrusive thoughts try to talk your self out of it. Say to yourself does this make sense.
It also sounds like you could have a mood disorder and maybe a mood stabilizer might help. The one that worked for me was Abilify. It really even out my mood. Best wishes and good luck