Should the next child added to a family always be the youngest?

[raleigh_mom]

For parents with more than one child including at least one adopted...

We have 2 bio-kids. I had intended to only adopt younger than them in order to keep their birth order. Do you think this is necessary? We are starting to consider a boy closer to dd1's age and I am wondering what experience you have had.

Should the next child added to a family always be the youngest?

[RedOakMomma]

Most social workers and psychologists specializing in adoption say YES. In our homestudy process we had to read large, LARGE binders and books of information on adoption, and two points they really pounded home are 1. Not adopting out of birth order and 2. Not artificially "twinning" a biological child and an adopted child or two adopted children.

Of course, sometimes adopted children are not the youngest in the family--when that happens, though, I get the strong feeling that it's considered less than ideal (for bio and adopted children), and that there can be difficult issues of adjustment (added to other adjustments that come from any adoption) that can be hard to handle.

If you choose to adopt out of birth order, it's something you should discuss at great length with your adoption social worker. If you prepare for it, and feel you can handle it as a family, my guess is that a social worker would be supportive and help you make the best of the situation. Good luck!

[annethcz]

Well, we've done everything they say you shouldn't do. We adopted out of birth order, and our adopted child is also similar in age to one of our bio kids.

DS was a few days from his 5th birthday when he joined our family. At the time, our bio kids were 5, 3.5 and 2. Although it did take a few months for the kids to adjust, it has turned out pretty well for us. Honestly, it took DS a lot longer to bond with me and DH than it did for him to bond with his siblings. I think that having siblings similar in age to DS helped him to feel more accepted and comfortable with our family than he would have if he didn't have siblings to play with. He was accepted by his siblings almost immediately, and learned a tremendous amount from them.

At first, I did have to be careful and make sure that my oldest DS (bio child) had enough time away from his new brother, because DS2 (adopted) would want to be with his older brother ALL THE TIME. Scheduling playdates once a week and allowing DS1 to play with his friends alone from time to time really helped DS1 to feel that he wasn't being smothered by his new brother.

As for competition, etc- it really hasn't been an issue. Although my sons are 7 months apart in age, they are at very different levels when it comes to maturity and academic level. They have what I believe to be a typical 'big brother- little brother' relationship. DS2 (adopted) and DD1 (bio, 14 months younger than DS2) are at similar levels regarding academics and maturity. But because DS2 and DD1 are different genders, and have different outside interests and different friends, it hasn't been a problem thus far.

I will be honest and say that we DID have a really difficult transition when DS joined our family. I don't attribute much of our difficulties to the fact that we adopted out of birth order. Our difficulties had much more to do with DS's age when he joined our family, his resistance to attaching to us as parents, and our inability to communicate effectively with him to start with (he didn't speak any English when we adopted him).

[Momma Aimee]

i have heard over and over again not to disrupt birth order

but

wouldn't that "rule" make it even harder for older kids (10+) to find a forever family -- you would be limiteing them to families without kids at all, or families that are older (thus bio kids are grown).

???

Aimee

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

1. Not adopting out of birth order and 2. Not artificially "twinning" a biological child and an adopted child or two adopted children.

Yeah, we broke both So far it has been ok. But we adopted out daughter becasue she was meant to be ours. We never sought a child who was a few months older than out bio son.

[lifescholar]

ITA with the others...generally, it should be avoided, but there are exceptions to every rule!

In my family:

- I was adopted first, @ 3 months
- next year, we adopted my oldest brother; he was almost 6, I was 1.5
- next year, we adopted my sister; she was 18 months, I was almost 2.5 (we are just under 10 months apart), my brother was almost 7
- next year, we adopted my other brother; he was almost 6, my other brother was almost 8, my sister was 2.5, and I was almost 3.5

So, our "birth order" was TOTALLY out of whack! lol It was made even MORE complicated because my 2nd oldest brother has a developmental disability, so he was always more like a younger brother to me....

It worked fine for us, but I think it must be harder when there are biological children to take into account...I don't know...