Adopting after Bio kids..

[sparkletruck]

Dh and I are seriously looking into adoption. We both feel drawn to it for many reasons, however, while there are things I would not miss about having bio kids, there are things I would, like pregnancy and birth and bf-ing. I know there are things that I would get to experience through adoption that I havent w/ bio kids. So, I guess what Im looking for is how the two experiences compared for you? Why did you adopt after rather than have another bio? What things came up emotionally (like grieving not birthing the adopted child maybe...)? I actually think having bio kids is easier (I dont understand people who say that adoption is easier) - I guess I feel like there are less unknowns (but havent gone thorugh an adoption yet), but again, I feel very drawn to adopt. I hope Im expressing this properly...

[DeannaK]

I actually think having bio kids is easier (I dont understand people who say that adoption is easier)

I haven't had a bio child yet, but I have to agree with you. We are now working on number two and instead of adopting we are going to try to get pregnant again. Don't know if it will work, it hasn't in 4 years, but we might do IVF this time. We have unexplained infertility.

Since you have already breastfed, you might be a real good candidate to induce lactation and breast feed an adopted child.

The only advice I can give you is be very careful of private domestic adoption agencies. Their ethics can be shakey to say the least. You might think about adopting through the state. If we adopt again that is more than likely the route we will take.

[JunipersMom]

Here's a good article that goes along with your questions.
www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=432

And btw - I'm still breastfeeding my adopted now 21 month old....

[BCFD]

I also do not have any bio kids, but I can guarantee you that having bio kids would have been MUCH easier. The process to adopt a child has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Not the actual paperwork, although as tedious as it was, but more the emotional journey since we suffered through 4 long years of IUI/IVF. We have 3 adopted girls and we still have 7 frozen embies from previous IVF cycles. To be honest, there is still a selfish part of me that wants to experience a pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding, but at this very moment in time my children's needs come first. Meaning, I will put aside my selfish wants and needs for them...because THEY are my life. What scares me to death is that they might someday think they "weren't good enough" or "why did mommy have to have her own baby" (they will ALWAYS know that they are "my own!"). Maybe that is just my own insecurities, but I was not an adopted child and I do think that at some point EVERY adopted child wonders about their adoption "situations" (and a lot don't ask these very small details). We are and will always be very open and honest about their adoption stories and we already visit bio relatives, show bio relative pictures, and talk about birthmoms all the time. We talk about the journey to them and how very much they were wanted. I have talked to a lot of people and they assure me that no matter how children enter your lives it's a blessing. And while that might be 110% completely true, there is that .0000001% that scares the crap out of me because I don't want to hurt my children. My children are my life and I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure I can protect their hearts...at least what I can control.

I totally know what you mean about feeling very drawn towards adoption. I am the happiest woman alive with a beautiful family and I still have that pull towards a pregnancy. Adoption does not cure infertility and I know this in my heart. I guess I will always grieve that loss and therefore always ask myself "what if".

I can tell you that adoption does have it's very own special "rewards". You may not push them out of your body, but there is an emotional and spiritual awareness about their arrival that is second to none. I also nursed DD#2 for 6 months exclusively with the help of domperidone and a Lact-Aid. I actually did have a little milk, which was AMAZING to see!!! Good luck to you on your adoption journey!!!

[RedOakMomma]

There are lots of moms here who have had bio children and adopted children, so I'm sure you'll get lots of different perspectives.

Right now we're in the process of adopting internationally from Korea, after having three biological children. Dh and I have always wanted to adopt, and have always felt "drawn" to it, like you said. During our liberal college days, I think we had high ideals and earth-friendly motives like "there are so many children that need homes" and "we shouldn't create another child due to overpopulation." That motivated us, and got us rolling, but to be honest it's all fallen by the wayside. Looking way back, what probably got us started thinking adoption was that we both grew up knowing a few internationally adopted kids and thought it was really cool. Fast forward to present day motivations, and it basically comes down to this...we want another child, we feel we have a lot of love to share, and adoption appeals to us. Obviously bio babies appeal to us, too, or we wouldn't have had three, but the pull to adopt is so strong that we'd feel incomplete if we didn't pursue this. Our daughter is out there somewhere--adoption is our way of bringing her home.
Corny, perhaps, but that's how it feels.

As for feelings of loss (pregnancy, breastfeeding), I thought I'd be feeling it and I'm not. My bonding with this child is stronger at this point than it was with any of my bio children when I was "newly" pregnant. They say you go through a psychological pregnancy when you adopt, and (so far) it's so true... it's an intense, emotional process, adoption. In my humble opinion, it's got pregnancy beat in lots of ways....good ways and bad ways. Sometimes the intensity sucks (as it did last night, when I found out our wait will be 6-8months longer than I thought), sometimes the intensity is a joy (exploring her Korean heritage, imagining her presence out there in the world--it's a high I can't explain). The joys far outweigh the bad parts so far....I'm loving this kind of pregnancy. I do mourn that I can't give birth to her, or that she'll spend most or all of her first year away from us, but that's just part of it. As for breastfeeding, I plan to try breastfeeding her (probably by pumping, since she'll be bottlefed).

If you feel drawn to adoption, you're probably going to be happy adopting. You won't know until you try it, of course! Good luck!

[Tigeresse]

:

I can relate to so many things ROM wrote above, we were also drawn to adoption after 3 bio children. I also can relate with BCFD regarding the emotional/spiritual awareness connected with the adoption process. No, it is not being pregnant, but it is intense and creates a bond with a child that (in our case) we knew nothing about until we received her picture. That bond is just as real and deep as with any of my bio kids. Of course, adoption was easier physically for me, but in every other way it was intense and involved. I don't want to say "harder" because no one thing we did to adopt was extremely difficult or insurmountable, but we had to stay on top of it and remain focused, which sometimes can be difficult w/3 other kids at home.

I didn't actually grieve for not being able to birth my dd, I guess I just looked at her way of joining our family as different from the boys, but just as real. It was a little weird not to nurse her, esp. since I was still nursing ds3 when she joined our family, but honestly solid food was the way to her heart. That was what she was used to in China, and at the same time did not get enought of. I gradually got her used to a bottle w/formula and later milk, but it wasn't until about a year later she would ask (and still does) to comfort nurse. I did use my sling with her which worked beautifully, we suspect she had been carried like that by her fostermom. She did get big really fast and I had to give up the sling (I am very petite), but am very grateful I had that time in which to use it with her, as short as it was.

Now, I parent her the same way I have parented the boys except with special awareness toward adoption and heritage issues. Our whole family has found this extremely rewarding, but sometimes I do feel a little spread thin because I put a lot of time into these things. I would not have had to do this with another bio child, but nevertheless I would not have it any other way. My only regret at this point is that we're most likely not going to adopt again (I am at child-rearing critical mass) but I do believe we have the family we are supposed to have.:

Good luck whatever you decide!

[mahrphkjh]

It had always been our plan to have biological children and adopted children. Initially we were planning on adopting first but as we got older it seemed more sensible to get the biological out of the way, so to speak.

Now we have two boys, 4 and 3, and our daughter arrived into our family in June of this past year at 9 months old. I can tell you that I missed nothing of the biological aspect. Probably the only good thing about pregnancy in my mind is feeling the baby move inside. Turns out I had two of the least moving babies on the planet.

On the flip side, I experienced the hormonal aspect of new mommyhood and the stress. After we received our referral it was another 6 weeks before we could pick her up from China. It was during those 6 weeks that I cried constantly over a cat I had to give up 2 years earlier and the week before we left I developed a massive cold sore similar to the one that I got with the stress of delivery of both my boys. After we came home I felt like a hole in our family had finally been filled but I still would view her as a stranger sometimes. This was also very similar to the reactions that I had initially with my bio-boys. In fact, for a few weeks after I brought my first son home I kept feeling like I had given birth to the anti-christ :

I guess what I am trying to say is that all my feelings between the two experiences were the same.

[Momma Aimee]

very intresting

Aimee

[Buddhamom]

I have two bio teens and the baby. The infertility was hard but I have to say our adoption process was MUCH easier than being pregnant. I got to breastfeed and I got my baby in 2 weeks after signing with placement agency instead of waiting 9 mo. Our homestudy only took 2 mo. and would hav been quicker, but our SW had some preg. problems during it. But everyone is different. I didn't car about not giving birth because our goal was to have another baby, not get preg. It is one of those things where you have to come to terms with your infertility before you adopt.

[Momma Aimee]

Buddhamom -- baby 2 weeks aftter singing, and 2 month HS -- cool -- how long did the whole process take you? start to baby?

A

[Leatherette]

We had one bio child, then we adopted 3 years later. I had always wanted to build my family in exactly this way. I do not have any regrets about not having birthed my second child or nursed her. I was not able to induce lactation. I wish she could have had breastmilk for the immune system benefits, but on an emotional level, I don't feel that I missed anything.

My son(bio) was able to nurse, but he didn't like the sling, and was very active and not one to lay around and cuddle. My daughter lived in the sling for two years and remains, at three, the cuddliest thing around. So we are very attached.

In my case, I don't think adopting or birthing a child can be compared. I had a relatively difficult pregnancy, birth, and lots of mastitis while nursing. And we had a relatively easy adoption process. My son was/is very healthy, and my daughter had many health issues (better now, but a little bit lingering). There wasn't any paperwork with the pregnancy and birth, but I didn't have 3 months of bedrest with the adoption.

L.

[clothcrazymom]

The process of having a bio child and adoption are two completely different worlds and very difficult to compare IMO.

Our adoption process was relatively quick. But it was definitely one of the most intense processes of our lives. I've written on here about it before. I really think it was one of the toughest journeys we have been on. And that is taking into consideration infertility, losing babies, very complicated pregnancies and deliveries and having family members who had children die at birth or the mom die during delivery.

All the things such as grieving birthing a child and such....I think that really needs to be something that is processed before getting into adoption. Of course we can only do what we do too though. Sometimes things are triggered after the child is with us that we couldn't have predicted prior.

There are things that go along with adoption that I think we often are ill prepared for. Things such as how we may feel about the birth family and what's involved with all of that (with international adoption too) What I've noticed over and over again is that so many of us just don't realize how much is involved and how tough the road can be emotionally.

I think you are really ahead of the game that you are so aware of the possible concerns and feelings.

[Buddhamom]

2 mo. total because we hadn't finished our homestudy when we got the call. Our state DCF put a rush on it and it was being faxed over as we got to the agency in TX. Then 1 hour after that they walked through the door with Drihan :

[Momma Aimee]

2 mo. total because we hadn't finished our homestudy when we got the call. Our state DCF put a rush on it and it was being faxed over as we got to the agency in TX. Then 1 hour after that they walked through the door with Drihan

WOW

and everyone else i have heard had such loooooong processess -- how did you pull off one so fast?

A

[Buddhamom]

Most AA domestic adoptions happen fast. And our daughter is AA( we only were accepting bi-racial or full AA). We knew from our agency that the wait time would be under 6 mo. so we made sure we were ready, well, except the homestudy had to be bumped to the top of the pile for approval *LOL* The more you are open to the quicker it will generally go.

[ibex67]

As the mother of bio, adopted and foster children all living under the same roof at the same time ranging in age from 7 to 6 mo, my biggest concern is that anyone would generalize from anyone else's experiences. Every adoption is different, every pregnancy is different and there is no way to compare. I've had a very hard pregnancy, a very hard adoption and a very easy pregnancy. Who knows what would happen if we adopted again? With all we know now, I bet it would be an easy adoption!

I also think any mother's reaction to the inherent differences in adoption and birthing are going to be very different depending on the mom's personality, her own experiences with birth and adoption -- and how much adoption education she had beforehand.

In my case, I didn't miss nursing my adopted daughter until she was almost 3. And then I realized how much comfort and connection nursing were a central part of my parenting toolkit. And it was a struggle to find other ways to meet that need for both of us. I never felt sad about not actually birthing her. And although she didn't live with us full-time until she was 18 mo old, I also didn't grieve not knowing her babyself -- UNTIL I had my third child. Now that I've had another bio infant after her, I am sometimes very sad that I missed these stages with her...

But all these responses are particular to me and my experiences. It's good the OP is aware of the possibilities -- but I would encourage you not to use others' experiences as predictive of your own.

[Momma Aimee]

I think ibex67 makes a wise statement

that EVERY pregency, EVERY birth adn EVERY adoption is different -- even for the same mom and parents.

I love other peoples birth stories, and love other people adoptin stoies.

I DO think we have a lot to learn from each other, a lot of advice to offer and a lot of suppurt and BTDT. I think it is very valuable to have resources who have BTDT -- be it pregancy, birth, breastfeeding, diapers, adoption, specail education or whatever -- to try not to reinvent the wheel each and every time.........but we do have to rmember at teh end of the day no one else hass our body, our child, or our situation totally.

Good point ibex67

AImee

[momofcutie]

Buddhamom--Did you adopt privately then? Have you had any experiences of negativity from others for being caucasian and having an AA child? (I mean from people of color.) We're discussing adopting a biracial child, but we were actually warned about this bias (we live in the south) by a white SW. I hope that question isn't too personal...

[Buddhamom]

No, private adoptions are not allowed in our state. We went out of state (TX) and used an agency for placement. No comments, we have from time to time got a "look" of unacceptance and double takes but I am not living my life for others to dictate. Yes, there will be hurdles, but as long as we educate Drihan and others and handle them in the appropriate manner we feel we will do ok. The main looks came when DH and I wer out togehter in public and I would be breastfeeding her and he would sit there with his arm around me watching her nurse We get a lot of "what country is she from" now with the Angelina and Madonna adoptions. And when we tell them TX they just say "oh" and aren't so intruigued with her anymore : But mostly people just comment on how well behaved or pretty she is. And I love that. DH's favorite story is when he was playing with her at a playground and another Dad was there with his oldr child and said to DH 'she looks just like you" and smiled. DH LOVED hearing that!

[iamleabee]

hi buddhamom,

your baby girl is beautiful :

i have a question about your adoption process. did you go through an adoption agency in a state other than texas? did your daughter's birthparents make an adoption plan for her from birth? my husband and i are thinking about adoption, but we are still trying to figure out the ins and outs. that you got your daughter so quickly has got my mind spinning! 2 mos!!!

thanks,
laura