"Losing it" page 362 (from Part Ten)I re-read "Losing it" tonight and want to post some of the key things that MKZ wrote in regard to how she dealt with the situation after it happened (slapping her daughter).
|"Showing remorse for my actions and concern for her feelings, rather than leaving what happened unacknowledge and unexamined, is extremely important for her and for me if healing is to occur, and some kind of learning...acknowledging the awfulness of what happened and not trying to minimize it nor blame her for it...Hopefully each time and incident like this happens, we learn something that makes it less likely to happen again.
In the midst of the storm, it helps if we can stop for a moment, bring awareness to our breathing, and give ourselves permission to not necessarily have to solve anything in that moment. In doing so, we can avoid reacting with our out-of-control anger, which only fuels the intensity and chaos.
Losing our temper can be horrible. Yet, if we can use even this to learn and grow if we arent afraid to acknowledge that is happened rather than deny or minimize it or spend our energy blaming ourselves or our children, or just wishing things could be different w/o taking responsibility for our actions. At the same time, depending on their age, we may have to help our children see their own part in what happened, and to strategize with them to find more effective ways to express their feelings, and to see the different choices they may have in difficult situations."
Another thing MKZ wrote in this chapter was that she and her daughter came up with a code signal of letting each other know it is about to get out of hand.
El, maybe you have a point too that we should judge our emotions when they are about to boil over. Maybe by judging ourselves right then we can step back and say this is getting out of control and I need to take a few deep breaths? I think you wrote something along those lines in your post...ask our dh's and/or another SAHM (by phone only is good too) for help when we know we sense we are going to have one of those moments.
I usually know when I am going to blow my lid. Unfortunately I am like MKZ who wrote that sometimes when we are in this crazy mode we may be too tired or frustrated to do anything to prevent the explosion.
Exploring this topic is helping me do some inner growing and healing. I can feel that I am making progress.
BTW, I was fine yesterday on our walk when ds started to freak. I felt myself breath and try to be empathetic to ds. But between dh's frustration about me bringing the dog and how he didnt think she needed to go on walks at all and ds's screaming I just snapped. It was way more than I could endure in that second. But I did learn that by realizing that dh was part of the reason I lost it and that I needed him to just help me get ds and the dog home quickly that next time dh and I will behave differntly. Dh can now see I have a low tolerance for his complaints while I am trying to console a screaming child. I'm not trying to blame him but he has a tendency to bail on me when I need him to be the loving dh he is normally. (The thing is that I want to walk fast and take the dog on a walk and there isnt always the time to go on a family walk and walk the dog in one day (two walks for me). Well it had been two days since I took the dog for a walk and so I felt bad and went to get her while dh and ds were at the park nearby. I should have known better! It was too hot out and ds was flushed in the cheeks. But we all live and learn.)
I'm done for awhile. I just wanted to post that stuff from the chapter. Of course I can never just post once a day lately. I'm stepping back for a few days now into lurk mode.