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“Everyday Blessings” Part VI ~ Book Discussion & Tea Party - Page 12

post #221 of 330

fighting in front of the kidzzz

makes me sad to think about it, though it is a reality sometimes.

i agree w/previous posts, but i did want to add that when i think about fighting in front of the kids, i see the looks on their faces in my mind, and i get sad.

just lately, before and since the crushed basil situation, i am really paying attention to the expressions on ds face. i think it started when we were describing happy, sad and mad and making the faces to go with it.

how with each face change, ds unknowingly was mimicking them back while watching. like he wasn't even trying, but just fascinated and doing it himself.

so i compare that ultra sensitivity to all situations right now. thinking how his face would look if we were yelling or carrying on in front of him.

but, yes, a disagreement/discussion with a little urgency in the voice shouldn't be too bad, as long as it resolves at some point. (obviously).

nuggetsmom, you were saying how sometimes it does go unresolved, and i have to say, sometimes, it being dropped and not brought up again is our way of saying "we agree to disagree", but only when we resume with love. wasn't sure if that's what you meant, but i am sometimes relieved to let things go just b/c i hate fighting so much w/dh. it's like the one person in your corner is gone! not good!

okay, nuff from me. i am like feast or famine on this thread!

p.s. editing to answer your question: in camp meeker/occidental - west of santa rosa- near sebastopol-we live in the redwoods!!
post #222 of 330
Angie - hipmama was another message board, right? I haven't been there, but I think I read about it here. You may be familiar with the username from when I was here before. Or you may recognize the term "Festivus" from Seinfeld. George Costanza's dad created a new holiday called "Festivus".... Funny episode.
post #223 of 330
I am a huge Seinfeld fan!
post #224 of 330
Thread Starter 
I've pretty much given up keeping us on task 75% of the time. Anyone out there looking for a serious, month long, stick to the subject, book discussion is in the wrong place. :LOL When we discuss the book and personalize it as to how it fits into our lives, I learn so much and get ideas about what I can do in certain situations when I am stuck in a rut. IYKWIM. It would be boring if we didnt take the time to ask the stuff we really wanna know about eachother's lives too.

Glad everyone likes it here and this is a "cozy" place to be. In the early months when I was raring to go I thought the sooner we got done with this book we could move onto another book. But I can think of another book that could leave us so much freedom and has the happy essence and relaxing flow of EB.

BTW, Kim, when I read your name (Festivus) the first thing I thought of was that Seinfeld episode. I was going to ask if that's where you got the name. If not then what was the inspiration? It sounds very familar other than from Seinfeld...Does it mean you're festive?
post #225 of 330
T---> AGAIN!

I have GOT to go to bed. But wanted to say, remember when Anne (I think) said she was worried about coming here too much? And we all agreed that we compose posts in our head, but it was all normal and healthy and yadda yadda yadda? (not in a Seinfeld way, mind you!) Well, now I know I need to go cold-turkey for a bit bc these days I'm finding I would rather talk to you guys than to dh.

Not good. Not good at all.

So I gotta lay low for a while. You people would make it SO much easier for me if you weren't so clever, insightful, and witty! Please STOP IT!!!

P.S. You DO know that we are all going to meet IRL one day, don't you? It's a certainty. I don't know when or where, and we may not make it onto Oprah (I think she did that show already on moms who met online) but we just might get into the love letters spread in Mothering! Can't you just see the picture? All of us with our babes in arms and slings? Don't laugh, Women. I'm an idea person and I'm gonna keep this one percolating. And CL has the energy to get it done, so BELIEVE!!!
post #226 of 330
{{{The username inspiration was totally Seinfeld. 2 years ago when I started my foray into message boards I sat and sat and sat trying to come up with a username. Dh and I love Seinfeld so I came up with this one.

Am I festive? Hmmmm, kinda. I used to be REAL festive (and completely dysfunctional ) when I was drinking - I'm a recovering alcoholic. Now I have healthier ways of being festive? I am a total goofball so when I read someone here say you guys were goofy, I figured I'd fit after I've been here awhile.}}}

OK, I started the book last night. And probably ruined the whole spirit of the book by reading it while on the treadmill at the gym while listening to a +LiVE+ CD.... I tried explaining to my dh why that went against the grain of the book; he might have gotten it. But I wanted to start right away and that was my opportunity. I'll be more focused next time and doing only ONE thing.

One neat thing I have been doing that does fit with the book, I think, is regular meditation. I finally, after years of hearing about other people doing it, set up a corner of the bedroom for this purpose. Candles on small makeshift table, little fountain on the bedside table; I play a little Yoga CD, read some inspiring little devotional-type books I have, and then sit.

The neat thing about this that I hadn't expected, is that the boys will sometimes wander in and want to sit and look at the candles. So, I have one or both sitting on my lap. VERY neat. And yesterday Jacob (5) was finally interested in a few yoga type poses. He would never do that before, but wanted to yesterday. I was thrilled.
post #227 of 330
awesome kim. meditation is so healing. what a great thing for the kids to see and be a part of when they so desire....

el, we'll miss you! but we understand. come bk soon tho k?

going to see reverend al green tonight in concert!

ds will be babysat for 3rd time in his life for a few hours. fortunately, the venue is 5 minutes down the road from grandparents house. nervous but excited. dd is in mexico w/ family, so just dh and i. woo hoo!

have a nice weekend mamas!!!
post #228 of 330
Cheryl - PLEASE tell me how you managed to get ds to allow you to leave him with a babysitter! Dh and I have had exactly ONE date in the 20 months since ds came along, and that was a small disaster (left him w/my parents who were visiting from out of town and INSISTED we go out... so we did, after bedtime, but ds woke up and, well, you can guess the rest).

Sorry, I know that's off-topic, too, but what the heck? Seems to be all the rage around here! (I'd insert a winking emoticon here if I knew how - definitely need a tutorial from Heather or Anne sometime!)
post #229 of 330
Now this is not off topic anymore bacsue I turned it into a topic. Well, not that Naomi is normal in that regard by any means, because she stays with a daycare and the first babysitter we had worked there and they knew each other. Anyway, we never left while Naomi was sleeping. We made sure she knew we were going and had the person sitting, distract her as soon as we were out of the door. If she doesn't sleep while we are out tant pis, but usually it is easier for other people to put her to bed as long as they follow the routine. FYI.


El, I know we will meet IRL someday too. I can't wait because we are like soulsisters I think.
Sometimes I prefer to come here and talk rather than talk to DH too because he is very crabby while studying and he is very anti spiritual and thinking personal things through. I think it would be good for hime because he just likes to complain aobut his shortcomings and doesn't want to read a parenting book at all. And as far as parenting is concerned he has no backbone at all. Caves at the slightest. NO matter that popsickles are not breakfast food or that it is lunchtime and not walk time. I have tried to explain that limits are actually important in providing structure. Yet he feels that you should be very authoritarian with older kids.:

OK, gotta go I am still trying to catch up so expect a hodgepodge of posts from my end.

post #230 of 330

momcat- regarding your babysitting ques

well we have spent a lot of time at my parents house just visiting, so our first time wasn't until he had logged serious hours exploring and generally just being comfortable with my parents and their house, and my siblings and spouses and children etc.

so the first time, we got him all into the idea of some snack grandma was giving him, and i told him i was going bye-bye, and gave him kisses, and he was aware i left, but happy w/getting his snack.

and i came back before bedtime, and will do the same tonight. (tho it will be past his bedtime) so i may try and get his afternoon nap to be a little later.

my mom said he was happy, and then would periodically get a pillow and pat it and say "mama" -referring to when he gets milkies w/me, he always brings me a pillow for my lap.

i would never sneak out when he wasn't looking though. my sister did that w/her dd, and she screamed whenever she left the room because the trust was betrayed. i make a point of telling him i am leaving anytime with dada, so he always knows what's going on.

hope that helps. i don't think he would have done well w/my parents if he hadn't spent that time with them prior w/me. that was probably why it was so hard for you and yours.

good luck with the next time! sounds like your are overdue for another date. i know WE are! (enter smiley face back at ya)
post #231 of 330
Originally posted by LiminalOne
I think the cultural taboo against physical abuse makes people feel tremendous guilt and also sends those experiences into the closet, when I guess I feel more along the lines of rainsmom that they are lessons that we need to learn. I just don't know if that learning happens in the midst of guilt and closeting. So, I guess I'm glad that there's such a strong taboo against physical abuse, but wonder if that incredibly black and white line is also a bit of a problem b/c somehow it seems like once you've hit your kids, you've done something irreparable.
Mmm that is a very interesting point. Remember how I lost my coll and really really yelled at DD and had a very terrible few days with her. Well, not till I got over the giult did I actually process the events. And I did do the visualisation and tried to come up with how I wish the scenario had gone. And actually now I can hardly remember what even happened. NOt that it is right but it did happen and I did the best possible thing with it. I examined it closely, restructured it and learned from it. Will I lose it again? Certainly. But I still learned from it.
post #232 of 330

Re: coupla more things . . .

Originally posted by Breathe
And one more thing . . . I think I disagree with the Kz's about just feeling your feelings and not judging them . . . I think when you're talking about feelings like this (the feelings that can potentially lead to SCARY parenting behavior), you may need to just distract yourself and get out of the feelings. I guess that's what I was trying to describe with my FLEE! story. Maybe you can work up to just totally wallowing in how pissed off you are, but I don't always have the skill/resources/sleep accumulation to do so without getting lost in the feeling.

And that's the difference between me and Buddha.
The way I interpret that advice is that you need to feel the feeling before you get to anger. ie feel the frustration or the sadness. Usually I get exasperated or frustrated before I angry. I actually decided to pick p this book about anger and changing your anger patterns. I will elaborate, but this feeling the feeling is prominenet in that book too. The premise is that the anger stems from irrational beliefs about a certain situation which I have also heard described as False Expectations Appearing Real (FEAR). Am I making sense? THe other feelings like dissapointment are normal because life is just not all roses and those come from rational beliefs about the precipitation event.

For example: DD wants juice. I hand her juice which she did not see me pour and pushes it away crying and getting into a tantrum of no, juice. My rational beliefs are that it is annoying and I am tired and frustrated that she doesn't realize I have juice. Irrational beliefs are that I think she *should* hear me and that she should behave like the anger I know she is. I don't really understand why I got angry now because it seems trivial. Anyway, maybe if I could have just felt the frustration and left it at that and mayve poured a little xtra juice in her cup so she got it, I would not have gotten angry, but I fixated on the Irrational belief that she should get it that I am telling her it IS juice and I got angry. The point is to create enough space in your mind to realize when it is that you are letting the wrong belief system take over and create anger.

And about having grooves in my brain. So true. I rehearse I statements in my mind about situation I make up in my head. And now I use them at surprising times. When I am reacting and not acting... Usually that is when you fall into your old patterns.

DD whacked me at a party on Saturday and without even thinking abut it I said "Oh I don't like it when you hit me so I will put you down" She ran off (happy) right away and I think she wanted me to put her down but I floored the room full of school teachers at how I handled it. And I was on automatic. And I will not always get it right like that but I am getting better and better at being a better mother and person.
post #233 of 330
Originally posted by LiminalOne
Perhaps an aside, but has anyone else noted how Anne's appropriate emoticon use is starting to rival Heathers??? I am emoticon challenged and am very impressed.
Yes. ANd I always identify heathers posts by their excellent emoticon use.

Oh, and Heather, I think you are indeed doing a fabulous job. I think we all are because we are not just mindlessly going about our mothering. I know we arent' because we are always here talking and analyzing and improving and so onl. Not that we are all mindfull in every moment, but we are aware enough to be able to recall the moments we weren't and try to be ready for next time. Some just have a different path than others because of our history.
post #234 of 330
Thread Starter 
Do we want to stay on "Losing it" for another week or move to "Jack and the Beanstalk?" I dont want to disturb the flow if you are still processing "Losing it."

"Jack and the Beanstalk" is a good chapter too.

We'll miss you, El. But I know how easy it is to get sucked into MDC. I try to only post and read on this thread. It keeps me from getting too sucked in. I'm not suggesting you do that but just trying to express that I know how tempting it is to be here and not with dh. We're going thru some real life stress here and I'd rather be here....but it (stress) will pass.

Hi Jacq!!

post #235 of 330
I say we do both next week, losing it as a recurring theme since it is something I am constantly working on. And Jack and the Beanstalk. Here are some pics of us from a year ago.. DH and I haven't changed much, but DD has


someday I will update...
post #236 of 330
Thread Starter 
Well dh is in the basement watching a movie and here I am! I guess we forgot date night. Maybe I'll go down and crash his party in a minute since ds is asleep now.

Cool pics, Jacq! You California mamas put my snapshots to shame. Sweet of you to join in our photo sharing. I just updated our website with some new pics of ds. I didnt have any of me that didnt make me look like crap. But I guess if I'd comb my hair and try not to dress so comfortable in a t-shirt and stretchy shorts, I would not look so frumpy.

Well I want to respond to everyone but dh has been gone half the week and I need to go connect! Oh, thanks Kim for answering my question about your name and glad you're back, Cheryl. I always enjoy reading everyone's heartfelt posts! It is neat to see how others process their thoughts and to get support too.

Also, if no one objects, I think Jacq's idea about "Losing it" being a reoccuring theme is great and to move to "Jack and the Beanstalk" on Sunday for this coming week. OKEDOKEY?

Have one heck of a mindful and festive () weekend, mamas! Oh and El (if you're lurking) we'll all definately have a real like gathering. Right now the thought of organizing it baffles me, but between us all we'll figure it out. And dont worry, Annalisa, we wont show up on your doorstep in January since your mom will be there. Thank heavens for you! I may show up to surprise you one day since you're only 9 hours from me and we'll be in town this summer at some point...not as soon as I had thought.


P.S. Anne, I think your emoticons are fabulous too! I wish they would add some more since I have most of the codes to the memorized. Scary thought and that's not a brag. )
post #237 of 330
Anyone who wants to come to my house either this summer or next Spring (after, I'm assuming, my mom is gone) is WELCOME!
post #238 of 330
OK, I am about to start Part 3 - having just finished Sir Gawain's tale. Boy do I wish I had gotten this last year - or for that matter, 5 or 6 years ago...

Anyway, I am loving this already and really, really being healed just by the way the Kabat Zinn's write and their whole mindset on being human. I don't really know how to put it into words... I have such an Inner Judge that it is helpful to read the words of people who view things in a non-judgmental manner. Very helpful to me personally.

As an aside, has anyone read any of their other books? Particularly Full Catastrophic Living? I have heard that one is really good, also.

I am feeling a little self-conscious stepping into your cozy group and understand, after reading even just the small amount of the book that I have, why you have all come so close. Please know I won't be some whacko intruding. I really look forward to having other moms to share some of my thoughts on this book with and to get some great feedback.

At some point I should probably do more of an intro type post so you know more about me than just that I was a freak who left in a neurotic huff last year. s I'll do that when I get a chance.
post #239 of 330
Kim- plenty of coziness to go around

OMG I am having a terrible day. I had to work this morning and took DD with me and let her watch a DVD on my laptop. Then getting her to nap was terrible. She fought it every step of the way. If anyone is in danger of losingit it is me. I think the worst thing is that I an dissasociating right now though. I am just really cold and unresponsive to DD because I just don't have it in me to do otherwise. Oh, and it is hot here.

Oh, and the pictures were taken by a photographer on the occasion of our fifth wedding aniversary. Right now my hair is not combed, I am bare foot, wearing shorts and a frumpy Tshirt. I look that way most days.
post #240 of 330
Thanks, Jacqueline. Hope you day has gotten a little better.

Brief bio, and I will try to keep it brief b/c I know passages that are too long can equal "scroll city"...

Family of origin: I am one of two kids. My brother is 3 years younger than me. My dad is bipolar. My parents had no idea what was going on with him until I was about 8, so the years up to that point and even after were stressful to say the least. I can honestly and sincerely say they did the best they could and more. And it was still unpredictable and scary b/c of his illness. Mom was and is still one of my best friends. She was a good mom in spite of the stress she was under. Dad was pretty emotionally absent, but a good man.

I coped by worrying, drawing and creating an imaginary family - with the dad as the key figure. Surprise. I searched for many external things to help me feel whole through the years. Success, attention, BOYS, and later drinking. I drank from about age 13 or 14 until I was 20.

Got sober in 1990 at age 20 (a story in itself) and did TONS of therapy looking at family of origin issues and also am still in AA. AA is based on a Higher Power and living life sober and becoming of maximum service to others. I have learned so much in sobriety.

I am a licensed social worker and worked in the field of early intervention (worked with families whose kids, aged birth to 3, had disabilities) for 5 years before becoming a stay at home mom. Most of my other jobs were somehow related to kids, also.

I worked part time (about 15 hours a week) in the evenings so my husband could watch Jacob while I was at work. Then right before getting pregnant with Matthew I quit and started to stay home full time. I will go back to work when Matthew is in kindergarten b/c I do miss the field of social work and financially I NEED to.

My husband is a great dad! Very hands on and equal parent to the max. We have had our struggles in marriage, bigtime, but right now things are going really, really well for us.

I am always interested in personal growth and know that my parenting can always use some improvement. I am VERY hard on myself in general - but especially in the area of parenting.

OK, this had gotten not so brief. :LOL But I did want to give some of my background, childhood and otherwise, so you'd know a bit about who I am. {{Now quit scrolling! }}
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