Hello! [hello, hello, hello -- echoing off the empty chatroom walls]
It's been awfully quiet around here -- esp since Heather went on vacation! I thought I'd pop in with an update on what's going on in my not mindful head . . I don't think we officially finished our "losing it" discussion, and it doesn't seem like anyone had much to offer about Jack and the Beanstalk, so I hope it's okay for me to vent a little.
I am resisting my life right now. And every time I resist, IT HURTS. Just like in yoga. Just like in childbirth. I've said this many times before, but I need to keep saying it to myself. 'Cause at the very least it makes me feel like I am mindful of my unmindfulness.
I seem to be experiencing another wave of resenting how motherhood has changed my life. I'm pretty sure it's due to 2 things: 1) ds (21 mos) is individuating and I'm looking at what's left of my life when he separates from me (answer: not much, and that's an optimistic way to phrase it) and 2) summer. There's something about summer that reminds me of carefree, childish (and childless) days . . . I want to be lounging at outdoor evening concerts, sunning by the pool BEFORE 5 PM, renting movies and staying up late on weeknights, dining at outdoor cafes with dh, getting away to cozy B&Bs at the beach. And I can't do ANY of the above if I'm going to be a disciplined mother of a child who needs sleep (e.g. regular wake and sleep times, as discussed in the recent sleep thread).
But let me be totally honest and say that it's not just the special summer life I miss . . . I also happen to really dislike the monotony of my daily life right now. I am SO SICK of cleaning up the friggin' kitchen! And that makes me not want to cook. And I can't get to the grocery store with ds anymore, now that he refuses to sit in the cart for more than 15 min, so my choices are to go at night (when I need to rest or spend time with dh) or go and have it take way too much time and way too much creative energy to get us in and out. So you know what I've been choosing? To not shop at all. So we have no food in the house and are scraping together meals, etc, etc.
I'm sure this account is boring you to TEARS, but there's no way to write about the mundane and boring without sounding mundane and boring! argh.
So I know I'm resisting. Because this is my reality -- EVERYONE's reality -- but I don't care for it right now. And I don't like any of my choices.
And regarding the individuation . . . Ds is suddenly a daddy's boy and I am simultaneously regaining interest in some of my old pursuits (no coincidence THERE!) . . . and yet, when I work up the motivation and the courage to get back into some of these things (exercising, playing my violin, reading novels, organizing a book club), I find that it's even HARDER than before bc now I have practially no flexibility to my shcedule. And until I'm willing (and able) to pay someone else to watch ds a little bit, these things are just pipe dreams.
So now I feel doubly frustrated . . . being a mom is hard enough. But having more texture in my life seems darn near IMPOSSIBLE right now.
And I am so damned sleep deprived. But yet too tired and conflicted to nightwean, so I feel like I'm living my life under water. If I were anyone else, I would say I was depressed. But I know too well that this is just what happens when you go two years waking at least every 3 hours.
Oy. What a bummer of a post. I'm thinking of deleting it.
But I guess I won't, bc my whole point was that I KNOW I am not practicing mindfulness -- I am wanting my reality to be different than it is -- and it is PAINFUL.
No need to reply. I know you've all been there. And there's not a whole lot anyone can say. This will pass, and probably very soon -- probably even before everyone has read this!
Hope you and your little ones are well!