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Kids in wedding party, kidless reception - Page 3

post #41 of 93
Completely unacceptable. The only way I might agree to this is if they were hiring a sitter and having a special playroom for the kids to go to afterwards, AT the reception site.

Yes, I know that each person gets to do the wedding their way. But they don't get to dictate everyone else's life. They don't get to use my kids as decoration and then shun them from the festivities.
post #42 of 93
I dont know how best to broach the subject with your BIL. But I will say that inviting them to be a part of the wedding party and not inviting them to the reception is not only rude and inconsiderate, I am pretty sure it's incorrect etiquette.

I dont think you can invite to the ceremony and then not the reception.....the other way around works, invitation to reception only, but not invitation to ceremony only.

http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle....2&parentID=525

http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle....2&parentID=525

According to this website, which actually has a lot to say about kids and weddings, but nothing that fits this situation specifically, it is never okay to invite to the ceremony and not the reception.
post #43 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by littleaugustbaby View Post
I am all for child-free weddings and receptions, but in this case, your children are a part of the wedding party and should be included in the reception. If I were in your shoes, I would let the bride and groom know that because of logistics, your girls will no longer be able to be in the wedding, since they will have to be at home with a sitter.
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post #44 of 93
Hm, I would just bow out gracefully and be done with the whole thing. They would not ask the Maid of Honor to not attend the reception. It is just plain wrong to even ask this and I am sure your BIL knows that. The bride has lost control of herself.

Good luck,

Doreen
post #45 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greensleeves View Post
And I feel like they are saying, 'Yes, we want you to act as prop pieces in the wedding procession, and look cute in the pictures, and then disappear, we don't care how.'
I would feel that way too. I would either tell her that I didn't want my girls to be flower girls, or I'd just go to the wedding and skip the reception altogether.

This next part might sound judgmental, so feel free to ignore. It seems odd to me that she would ask such young children to be in the wedding party when we all know that that is rather hit or miss as toddlers can be rather unpredictable. So maybe she is prepared to deal with that, or maybe she has unrealistic expectations. I would be worried about that and ask.

I think that receptions rather than ceremonies are easier for children, at least in my experience. So I wonder if it is a matter of logisitics and numbers of place settings and all that, and she is trying to save on the price and keep the numbers down for space reasons, and thought that excluding kids is the most sensible thing. I don't know.

In any event, I would not want to spend the money it would take to outfit my kids for the wedding if I couldn't enjoy the celebration afterwards. It would feel like they were being used as cute props and not because they are family. I do understand the need for adults to have a fun space without the worry of kids, but I honestly think it is up to the parents to determine what their kids can handle and monitor the situation.

When my sister got married two years ago, she asked me to be a bridesmaid and my 5.5 year old to be the flower girl. I made sure that kids would be allowed at the reception because I wasn't going to fly all of us back, get a hotel, get bridesmaid and flowergirl dresses and then have to skip a big part of the celebration because I had no babysitter. Now truthfully, I wouldn't have minded getting a babysitter for my 14 month old, but all my nieces/nephews who could babysit were at the wedding so there was no one available.
post #46 of 93
I would either pull the kids out of the wedding or somehow arrange a babysitter to pick the kids up after the wedding. I know it's a huge PITA and your BIL and his fiancee are being unreasonable. BUT I think it's important to just suck it up for the sake of family harmony. I would almost bet that later on BIL & SIL will realize how ridiculous they were and will really appreciate you putting up with their wedding craziness. Missing their wedding or causing a big falling out will have repercussions for years. I would take the high road.
post #47 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by SiValleySteph View Post
I would either pull the kids out of the wedding or somehow arrange a babysitter to pick the kids up after the wedding. I know it's a huge PITA and your BIL and his fiancee are being unreasonable. BUT I think it's important to just suck it up for the sake of family harmony. I would almost bet that later on BIL & SIL will realize how ridiculous they were and will really appreciate you putting up with their wedding craziness. Missing their wedding or causing a big falling out will have repercussions for years. I would take the high road.
Unless I misunderstood, the OP lives quite a distance from where the wedding will take place. Having someone pick up the kids would most likely be nearly impossible.

If the OP and family missing the wedding would cause family strife, that strife SHOULD be placed on the shoulders of the bride and groom. I think they are being totally unreasonable, selfish and inconsiderate of the time, distance and expense the OP would be dealing with.

Believe me, I usually agree with those who wish to have child-free events. But, what makes me upset over this situation is that they would be using the children and then kicking them out. If you want a child-free wedding, then that should mean NO KIDS whatsoever. No flower girls, ring bearers, or anything else.
post #48 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
If the OP and family missing the wedding would cause family strife, that strife SHOULD be placed on the shoulders of the bride and groom. I think they are being totally unreasonable, selfish and inconsiderate of the time, distance and expense the OP would be dealing with.
Well, yes, I totally agree that the bride & groom are being unreasonable, selfish and inconsiderate. BUT, for me, I would do whatever it takes to be at my (or my DH's) siblings wedding even if I was complaining about it to everyone I talked to in the meantime.

To the OP: Is there any way you could bring your mom along to watch your kids? I'm ASS-uming that she wouldn't be invited to the wedding and that you are reasonably close.
post #49 of 93
ALL members of the wedding party are invited to the reception. Period.

How unbelievably rude!!!
post #50 of 93
There is no way I'd be comfortable allowing my children to be used like that. I would make it clear that you would be saying "no thanks" to having them participate if they were not able to attend the reception. Then the ball is in their court if they wanted to change their minds.

I wouldn't feel bad at all about skipping the entire wedding as a family either. How incredibly rude! Family should treat you BETTER than others, not be given a free pass to treat you worse & you be forced to "suck it up."
post #51 of 93
I would bow out as politely as possible. No way would I allow my kids to be treated like that. I have no problem with child-free weddings, but this is just wrong.
post #52 of 93
another vote for bowing out gracefully. when asked to participate in the wedding party, it is a request, not an obligation. this bride and her family are operating under some serious misapprehensions and breaches of etiquette. besides the incredibly rude attitude about children as accessories, or somehow not as important to regard the little ones feelings, and also making it almost logistically impossible for your entire family to attend.

i'm all for making concessions, keeping the peace and taking the high road but in this instance this bride(zilla) has already way overstepped the bounds of behavior, etiquette and consideration.

it is completely inappropriate and rude to have children at the ceremony, especially as participants, and then reject them for the festivities afterwards, in addition to not making any arrangements to help with child care.
post #53 of 93
Greensleeves, would you be OK with it if the bride & groom arrange to have a sitter with the children at the reception's location? Or is that still going to make your DD feel left out, that she isn't allowed to go eat and dance with everyone else?

The reason I ask is because, if you tell the b&g that it is a logistics problem to have the children there for the wedding but not the receiption, they MIGHT opt to hire a sitter to be on-site (but out of sight) with the kids. (If that is even possible.)

If that's an OK solution for you, then, sure, I'd tell them that it's a logistics problem.

But if that's still not acceptable to your dd (or to you), you may want to go with some other wording in declining to have your dd's as flower girls.
post #54 of 93
If my son were asked to be in a wedding but not invited to the reception I would feel horrible for him. The best part of the day for the child will be the big party with fun, food and dancing! The wedding will likely be pretty boring to a little kid. I would feel terrible if my child were excluded from the really fun part of the day.
post #55 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by i'mmykid'$mom View Post
"When we agreed that or dc would be in your wedding party we did not realize that they would not be able to attend the reception. This presents logistical problems that we cannot overcome and we regret that X and Y will not be able to participate in your wedding party."

If they get pushy after this, then I would bring up that you would not put them through the work of a wedding then allow them to be excluded from the party.
I LOVE that.

My sil is the same way in that she likes dd as a "pretty cute little niece" : DD was in her wedding and she didnt have her rehearse or anything then was surprised when i didnt want my 2 year old in a FLOOR length gown walking down CONCRETE steps alone. Not that it was that much of an issue because she insisted dh walk with her anyway. We knew she wouldnt walk down the isle so being nice i had dh wear a suit and even a tie that matched her wedding colors. AND she didnt invite dh to be in the wedding but invited all the other siblings. She was also surprised when the niece she never sees didnt want to be in the wedding pictures. Yeah, dd was just a cute prop and never ever again...
post #56 of 93
Another vote for backing out gracefully. Even if the kids weren't in the wedding party, if I travelled way out of town for a brother's wedding, I would want my kids with me.
post #57 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by sophmama View Post
Why do people want to control every aspect of their wedding so much so that it makes some of the guests really hate the event? Why have a day with so much joy for you that makes those you supposedly love miserable? I think part of this stems from our culture where it's pretty easy to become detached from the realities of what parents endure - through your teens and 20's - you can easily become clueless about the real world and have unrealistic expectations because we're so age segregated in our culture.
post #58 of 93
Unbelievable.

I also have to say, once again, that I really, really don't get people who want to exclude children from weddings. It's their right to invite whoever they want to invite and exclude whoever they want to exclude ... but if anyone ever invites me to a wedding without my children, I'm not going either.
post #59 of 93
my sil is getting married in June and my ds is going to be a ringbearer/flower boy her reception is childless, but MY child who is in the wedding, gets to come. to have your kids in the wedding and say they have to LEAVE for the reception is absolutly nuts. and i should note that i am BIG on, its the brides day whatever choices they make stick, but thats just nuts!! if you tel her your kids cant be in the ceremony, let us know the response!
post #60 of 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by pookel View Post
Unbelievable.

I also have to say, once again, that I really, really don't get people who want to exclude children from weddings. It's their right to invite whoever they want to invite and exclude whoever they want to exclude ... but if anyone ever invites me to a wedding without my children, I'm not going either.

I love my kids, but I would welcome an adult-only occasion every once in awhile.
But, do what you wish.
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