This is rambly and sort of thinking out loud. Sorry in advance!
Last night in bed (as quiet as it gets - just my son snoring in my ear
) I asked "what do I want". And the answer came back "a baby". And that totally felt wrong because I don't want another baby. I don't feel it hormonally, or emotionally. Sometimes I get the "awww, a baby would be cute" but it's just sort of a thought, not a feeling, kwim? Sometimes when I'm ovulating I get wishy washy but seriously, it's no more than a few hours and I'm back to "nah, I'm done"
So I tried to be quiet and asked again and the answer came back "to create something". A HA! THAT felt good. Maybe "a baby" *to me* represents creation. The past few weeks I've been thinking I want to make something but I don't know what. Maybe "making a baby" is the one thing I know I can do so it's my default. So instead of creating a new human being because I'm bored
: I need to figure out what I want to create.
I used to be very artistic when I was younger and that all fell away when I had kids. The past few weeks I've been thinking of this "how to draw" book I looked at once. The book really spoke to me but it was aimed at kids so since my daughter didn't like it I didn't pursue it (because everything is about them and I don't matter???
. I also keep thinking of the water color painting class I tried to take a year ago which I ended up not being able to take because it conflicted with a kid's birthday party. And the novella I wrote a year ago and haven't finished editing.
I tend to pick things up and then drop them for years and then come back to them again but I'm ok with that. That's just me
What I'm not ok with is not having *anything* creative going on and that's where I am right now and have been for a really long time (the novella was an exception).
So I'm still not really sure *what* I want to do but since I've been thinking of it for weeks, I just called the library and asked them to track down the drawing book again (it was inter-library loan). That's a start at least. I *did* something