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40 day meditation, need reinforcement - Page 6

post #101 of 108
Thread Starter 
I am in a spin over life and over missing the meditation. I realized today how hard things have gotten in the past month in my life. I thought the time in the first year of DD's life was hard, doing it alone, but I realize now that the simplicity of just getting up, caring for her, and going back to bed again had its own beauty. Trying to rise higher, trying to forge love with another person so we might have a real family, it has put such a burden on me, and today that burden is heavier then it's ever been. I wonder if I am doomed to a life of being solitary since it seems I cannot handle the emtions involved in trying to create and intimate relationship with another person.

I called Golden Bridge and they were very encouraging. One person told me she failed at day 30 three times on her first go. Another woman told me she had a great teacher who it took 15 years to get through his first 40 day meditation. they explained that the binding of karma is powerful, and that is why the meditation is so powerful and so difficult to accomplish.

So I will start again. And I won't put so much pressure on myself to finish this time, and perhaps just see what happens.

Until then, how I get through the days during this time I don't know. Dd is sleeping now and I am sadly dreading the moment she wakes up and requires all my energy again.

Thanks everyone for the support.
post #102 of 108
Ya know...I already miss looking forward to your post Oatmeal! I did really look forward to it each day too!

I think that neat what you found out from Golden Bridge. How reassuring, at least I think, could be depressing if you choose to look at it that way, but not me.

I sure hope you get to a place where you are happy with yourself and your situation. You for sure deserve happiness!

Take care of you!
post #103 of 108
When you're ready, try again. Don't give up on it!

Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. I understand that you might not want to post about it next time you start it. Just remember that even if you're not posting about your meditation, you've still got people at MDC rooting for you to succeed. Good luck!!

post #104 of 108
Thread Starter 
Day one.

By the stream with the horses.

Very basic.

Feels good not to be a quitter.
post #105 of 108

Hi Oatmeal!

post #106 of 108
Good to see you again Oatmeal! Congrats on starting again! That stream with the horses sounds SO peaceful!
post #107 of 108
Thread Starter 

I guess I have reverted to haitus until the holiday is over posibly. I need discipline badly. I want to meditate, make more money, write, take better care of my dogs, ride more often. My work is getting better, The last three jobs I have shot seem inspired. I want to get out of the mire I am in and fly. I want to make a lifestyle that allows me to work and live part of the year in Europe with my daughter attending Itaian school. A single mom with no money - how can I make this happen?? I want to break free of restraints.

I want to reinvent my household. I want to hire someone to watch my baby for 3 days so I can throw everything away and start over. I want to reinvent the way I handle and structure my days. I want nothing short of burning the place to the ground and starting all the way over.

I want change. Radical change. I want to stop being solitary and have a real family with a man who loves me and more children.
post #108 of 108
Do you live in Minnesota?? I'd love to help you but highly doubt we live remotely close to one another...

I can't imagine what a tough thing it is to be a single parent. I've always had my hubby around since I've had my kids, and wouldn't be able to do it without him, so I commend you on doing it, even though it is so hard.

I think it is okay for you to want these things. It's not at all unreasonable to want things different in your life, to want better for your daughter. The means to get there can be so daunting, monumental and unatainable, and that's depressing. I wish I could tell you how to get it, but I'm still figuring out things myself.

Are you a photographer? Was that already brought up some pages back?? Ugh, my memory is bad if it was, sorry.

Sorry you're in such a funk, I'm here to vent and complain to whenever you need it.
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