40 day meditation, need reinforcement - Page 2

[oatmeal]

Today, Tuesday, began day one again. This time it was like starting at -10 rather than at 1. I had an agonizing weekend because of my situation with the guy I've been seeing. Possibly the end of us because he can't reconcile the ex it doesn't seem like. When in pain it is hard for me to focus and become quiet. also my dd has been really demanding and loud the past couple of days and I have to say it has been wearing at my last nerve extremely badly.

The first five minutes were my chanting banging up against the painful babble going on in my mind. The second six minutes I was relieved to observe that the chanting beat out the insanity and I was anchored for a minute, there was peace and a moment to breathe.

I am back in the insanity already now. My prayer is to make it through this time without starting again. The restarts do get harder and harder. It is so helpful to come in here and report. I appreciate the support SO MUCH.

I'll be back tomorrow -

[faeriemom]

Good luck!! I hope things get easier for you this week.

Dh and I had problems with his "ex issues" way back in the early days of our relationship, so I know how painful and distracting that can be. We were able to work ours out. Maybe you will too?

And I also know about children getting on the last nerve....as much as I LOVE and am thankful for my ds, there are times I'd like to have a whole day of quiet -- where I don't have to talk to anyone, and I don't have to listen to constant chatter about robots and Bionicles and superheroes.

Anyway, congratulations on getting through day 1 even though it was tough! Let us know how it goes tomorrow.

faeriemom

[oatmeal]

faerie as a quick side bar - interested to know how entangled your DH was with his ex - a lot, a little? How did he handle "fixing it" in the context of your relationship and how much incentive, if any did you have to give him to get it done to your satisfaction/comfort level?

Thanks

[oatmeal]

day 2 was very nice. I had gone riding this morning and it was really hot. After I cleaned and put the horse away I went to the stream below the stables and did my meditation there. Needless to say it was wonderful. Afterwards I washed off in the stream and dropped my very expensive sunglasses that I have only had for 2 months in the stream and couldn't find them. i was upset for a minute but when I had to walk away because I had to leave to go pick up my daughter, I was thankful to the stream for its beauty and fresh clean water, and I decided to think of my sunglasses as an offering to it rather than a loss to me. Don't ask me where that came from.

So the morning was rather blissful and then the pain of my guy situation set in on the way back to town. A lof of insecurity and comparing to his ex - the car she drives, the way she looks, her education, etc. It's all about her being superior to me, which she is - feeling small and dumb and very average looking.

I hope the next 38 days will help me with that.

[faeriemom]

Hi Oatmeal. Meditating at the stream after horseback riding sounds wonderful! I'm glad you were able to do that.

T regarding my dh and his "ex situation....he was married once before, and I actually knew him and his ex when they were married. She was a lot older than him, very pretty, highly-educated, had travelled around the world. YOu get the idea. So, they divorced and then two years after that I ran into him again and we just clicked -- long story short, we became a couple and moved in together. But I think because I had met his ex and knew a little about her, I felt inferior. I constantly compared myself to her. To make things worse, dh had a habit of living in the past. He still had a picture from their wedding on his mantle when I moved in with him. Would still mention her from time to time. I knew that he had been the one who wanted out of the marriage, and filed for divorce...so it wasn't that he wanted to be with her. But every time he said her name or talked about that time in his life, I took it personally. I assumed that he was comparing us and found me lacking.

To complicate matters even further...his ex-wife wasn't even the "love" of his life. That honor went to a girl he was involved with in high school. They had a very volatile relationship -- up and down, like a roller coaster. And she was the one who finally left him. For some reason, because of all of that, he could not get past her. After we'd lived together for a few months he told me that he still had dreams about her sometimes at night. I found letters from and photos of her in the top of his closet. I felt threatened and asked him to get rid of them. He refused. I took that to mean that he had chosen his fantasy of her over me. We lived together for a few years and from time to time the ex's names would come up, something would be said and I'd feel terrible. It became a very unhappy relationship. So finally I said to him, "Let's just take a break for six months." I moved out, but we had a few ground rules. We weren't ready to completely break up -- we just needed space for him to be sure he really wanted to be with me, and for me to spend time with myself working on building up my self-esteem. (I felt like a lot of the problem wasn't with dh's attachment to the past, but MY REACTION to it.).

Anyway, the rules were that we couldn't see other people during that six month period, we'd have weekly dates, etc....after I moved out, it took some of the pressure off. (The first week was horrible for me. I felt so alone. But it got easier.) We spent the night at each other's apts. sometimes. We went on dates. He stopped talking about his ex's. And we just had a nice time being together. When the six months were almost up, we decided to move in together again. He made the choice to be with me even when he could have ended it. It would have been easy to end it since we were already living apart and had our new routines/lives established. But we both chose to be with each other. A month after I moved back in with him we found out I was pregnant with ds! We've been together ever since (and we married when ds was two).

What helped me the most was taking time for myself to work on the issues that made me feel like I wasn't as good as his ex's. He'd never said that I wasn't as good, or that he didn't love me as much. But I felt that way anyway. I had to fix that myself. It didn't have anything to do with dh, it was my own insecurity. It also helped that we took a break and then chose to be together. The fact that he made an informed and conscious choice to be with me and grow our relationship helped me feel more secure.

As time has gone on, he's cared less and less about the past. He's admitted that he rarely thinks of his ex's anymore and when he does it's just a flash of memory, it's not out of desire to be with them or missing them or anything. As time has gone on we've built our own memories and I feel confident that he loves me and loves the family we've made. And I feel better about myself as a person -- that I'm worthy of being loved. I'm me and I have a lot to offer.

Dh still has photos of his ex's. He still has letters, and his old journal is full of the life he lived during those years with the other women. He wants to hold onto it because it's part of his life. It's part of who he is. But now all of that stuff is boxed up and stored away.

I don't know if any of this relates to your situation. It probably doesn't help you much! But I wanted to share since you asked about it. Sometimes flat out ending a relationship isn't necessary....changing the habits and dynamics of a relationship can make all the difference.

I hope you work things out in a way that is good for you. And keep up the good work with your meditation!

faerie

[oatmeal]

Day 3. Bad feelings, tightness in stomach, forced myself to sit down. Half way through the meditation I could hear my cell phone ringing in the house and almost jumped, made myself stay. Cell phone rang again a minute later and I observed that my gut was filled with a fearsome dread, I felt like I was going to throw up. An interesting reaction to a phone. I observed that I felt it was bad news coming to me. I stayed on with the meditation. It ended without a sense of peace, I just had a lot of anxiety. My dog had been at the back gate the entire meditation yalping for me so that added to the tension.

Faerie thanks for your explanation above. I wish all I had to worry about were journals and photos. At least your husband's exes weren't with him every day and talking to him everyday...
I have to start getting over this guy now and it's extremely difficult. I have made myelf into nothing next to her - the comparison game is one that really kills the life out of me.

More meditation news tomorrow -

[faeriemom]

I'm sure it's much harder if the ex is still around physically. I think in that case I would have given dh an ultimatum.

If you don't mind me asking, does your guy compare you with his ex? Does he make you feel bad about yourself, or is it something you do to yourself? Or a combination of the two? I would hate to think that he openly compares you to her...but I'm sure there are people who do that, maybe without even realizing they're hurting the person they're with. Also, does your guy seek out his ex, or is she the one who won't let go? Does he know how this bothers you?

I understand if you don't want to get too personal, or say too much here on this thread...but if you want to talk about it, I hope you know that you can.

Wow -- even with a barking dog, a ringing phone, and a heavy heart, you made it through day 3. I'm impressed! I really hope tomorrow goes better for you.

BTW, I have a private counseling session with my teacher next Thursday. I'm going to ask for a mantra/meditation from her then.

[oatmeal]

The only direct thing he said once about a month ago was "You should really meet her, she's a great person" plus the odd remarks about how they are best friends, and how he is so much closer to her now that they are friends, how he loves working on projects with her now - etc. I asked him today - how is there supposed to be room for anyone new to come in when she's taking up all the space?

It's really hard not to compare oneself to a photo shrine on the wall that you have to see every time you go over to your guy's house - and she's gorgeous, perfect, funny, cute, sexy, wealthier than me - has the same education as he does, and the same culture as him which is something I can never share with him. They are holding each other - laughing, she's looking sultry into the camera on an exotic beach somewhere in Tahiti - you get the idea.

Wouldn't you compare?

I don't know if he is going to make room for me or not. I know he knows I am suffering - which I told him today - and he seemed surprised ot hear that. I don't know what is going to happen.

[faeriemom]

I would compare too. When I asked if the comparison & feeling inferior was something you are doing to yourself, I didn't mean it as a judgement against you. I asked because I know how easy it is (for many women) to do that to themselves. I've done it so many times, in so many different relationships. I still do it to some degree, but not so much with dh anymore.

It does sound like what he's doing is extremely hurtful to you, though he probably doesn't even realize. And I think you were absolutely right to ask him how he's supposed to have room in his life for someone new when she's taking up all the space. That's exactly what it felt like from your description of their relationship. The way you expressed that was so perfect. I really hope it helps him wake up to the pain you're in. I REALLY hope this all works out for you.

In the few posts I've read of yours, and the exchanges we've had, I really get the sense that you are a very cool and interesting woman. I admire the fact that you're spending time on self-study and reflection, and following your own spiritual path. I'm sure your guy sees these qualities in you and so much more.

I know you probably didn't want the thread to go in this direction...but I think it is so relevant to your meditation and the struggle you're having with it. Thank you for sharing.

Good luck with day 4!

[Gemini]

Ugh! It really is a weird situation he's putting you in, and frankly, I don't know if the torture that it's putting you through is worth it. I've had a toxic relationship (not boyfriend, family) that was very painful to break off, but I was better off and more clear headed in the long run, and maybe that's what might need to be done here.

And I also agree with faeriemom...I think you really neat too!

It's been neat reading about your journey. I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time with all this, but you do seem to be very intune to defining your feelings internal and phsyical. I have the TOUGHEST time doing that! The way I put my feelings to words is hearing someone else describe it and I say "YES!, that's it!" Logic isn't one of my strong suits, and naming my feelings isn't either. I've been on MDC for almost 2 months now, and it helps so much to read other peoples experiences and relate it to mine. Makes it easier to help me identify my feelings a little bit.

I wish I could be of more help with your situation, but I hope I can at least lend support. I think it's great what you're doing for yourself and it really is a journey. Good luck with tomorrow!

LJ's Mom

[oatmeal]

Day 4. Waited until evening after a crazy day of running around to do the meditation. Doing it at the end of the day is really, really much harder than in the morning. My entire being resisted. A lot of tightness and anxiety in my stomach - wanting to throw up really - but not quite that dramatic. Again the last half got easier - the flow of the chanting helps me along in the end.

Need to make a point of doing this in the morning. I think it'sbetter all the way around and that i may have less chance offailing again if I commit to that.

[Gemini]

Sounds like a great idea Oatmeal! Good luck!

[oatmeal]

Day 5 and 6

Day 5 barely got done. I got up at six yesterday morning and shot (worked) all day, got home and went out to eat with friends and by the time I was done being sad and anxiety ridden by the guy situation it was 2 am. I did the meditation in a half stupor - totally exhausted - but rationalized that it was ok since I did it before I went to bed and before the sun came up - so I hope it counts.

Didn't get to it again until tonight. Again the second half of it began to bring relief, the first half was just slogging through trying not to quit. I was calmed in my sadness and broken heart about the guy. The peace is starting to wear away to anxiety again - but I got it done and tomorrow will be day 7.

[Gemini]

Oatmeal, I'm sorry you say you have a broken heart!

I'm happy you got through the last two days. Keep it going!

[oatmeal]

I apologize for another sad post. It's a dark night of the soul over here and I am just completely heartbroken. The thing with the guy is over, he chose his ex.

I slogged through today's meditation by the skin of my teeth. Felt nothing but obligation, exhaustion, deep deep sadness and thoughts of him.

Such was day 7.

[faeriemom]

Oh Oatmeal. I'm so sorry!!

Is there anything we can do?

faeriemom

[oatmeal]

Thanks faerie mom. I don't think so. Just longing and longing and thinking of why I didn't make the cut with him. It had been a long long time since I met someone who I felt that way about. He is beautiful and charming and so intelligent and just completely endearing. It's extremely hard. What can I say? I wish he didn't have an ex who was gorgeous, brilliant, successful, sophisticated and still in his life with 7 years of relationship history with him behind her.

It's incredible and I wish I didn't have to go through this right now. Also wish he had thought twice about bringing me into his life while he was still in love with her. That's the part I don't get the most.

Anyway - hoping to get the meditation done before evening today so it's not quite as hard...

Thanks for your thoughts.

[oatmeal]

Day 8.

So much more productive to meditate in the morning.

Again, difficult start. First 8 minutes uncomfortable. Thoughts of him and his ex, then sexual feelings - which I have never had during a meditation before. That made me very uncomfortable and I observed that I didn't like it. I thought of doing things that would be unsound for my well being, sexually. Some of those thoughts passed through, around minute 9 this sensation like I was digging into something, actually digging into myself, deep inside, something really indescribable happening but it felt like I was going somewhere. No particular result, just traveling. Minute 10 brought another indescribable feeling that seemed like the sensation of peace - no particular thoughts with it, but it was a strong sensation of energy coming in from another source, not myself - a bathing feeling, waves of energy, good energy, felt more peaceful, less extraneous thoughts, more accute attention on the energy washing through. I thought of God, wondered if that was what God feels like, then minute eleven brought the conclusion. Energy work following was productive and enjoyable. The energy that had washed through earlier circulating. I hoped it was cleansing me of something.

Definitely better to do this in the morning. When I came in here to report I felt I might make it to day 40 this time. Stopped myself from projecting that, but hoped it was true.

Then thought of my money problems: the compulsive mind.

Thanks!

[oatmeal]

Day 9

this morning mediatation highly fatigued. Baby awake every hour last night hten up at 6 am. Meditation had a strange rhythym to it which i observed but inside i was just kind of exhausted and hazy. Thought about work - advertising - was half way waiting for the bliss of yesterday's meditation to come but it never did.
In the last minutes I remembered the dreams I dreamt last night and realized how deeply touched I'd been by the movie I watched before I went to sleep.

Energy work felt good and nothing amazing happened in the end. However I am conscious that if I make it tomorrow I have then broken my previous record of days...

[faeriemom]

Congratulations on making it through day 9. I know you can make it all the way this time!

Your posts are so poetic. I really enjoy hearing your meditation revelations. Thanks again for sharing with us.

I meet with my teacher tomorrow morning. I've got a lot to discuss with her....difficult financial/business problems going on right now. I'm hoping she can help me stabilize emotionally. And I'm still going to ask about a meditation. So maybe I'll be starting one this week!

BTW, you're in advertising? Me too.

Good luck tomorrow!

faerie