40 day meditation, need reinforcement - Page 3

[Gemini]

Glad to read your success! It must feel good to get through it!

And wow, you and faeriemom have lots in common!

[oatmeal]

Hi - actually no faerie - I'm not in advertising but I do have to deal with advertising for my business.

Did day 10 today. I was out riding so I sat by the stream again to do it, which is a lovely treat. My stomach was in knots unexpectedly (I don't know why all of a sudden) over the guy. Thinking a lot about him and wanting to be close with him physically. The meditation seemed easy this morning - I could have been in a great mood from the horse, I also picked daisies and put them in my hair to try and counter the sad feeling I had inside. The meditation time seemed to fly right by - lots and lots of noisy thoughts about him rushing through my mind and I let them pass one by one. A picture of him in a beautiful new shirt I bought for him (I guess I would have done that in the futre?? weird) Like dreams, some of these visions, of things that haven't happened - but might have in the future I guess. The energy was good at the end and I was quieted and felt more grounded but no observations, no breakthroughs perse.

By the time I was half way home from the barn my stomach was in knots again and I am trying to keep my self going today without letting the feelings pull me under. I am swimming hard against the current.

[Gemini]

I am in awe of your awareness!

You've come far this time! Your doing great!

Are you having any contact with this guy at all? Or don't you need to cross paths with him in your activities? Reading your other post though reminded me what a strong bond we as women can put on passion. That feeling of being one with someone is very intense! Those encounters would throw me for a loop for a LONG time when I was dating. Why the heck can guys disconnect so easily when we put so much emotional investment once sex is had? : I'm still figuring that one out.

Looking forward toyour next post!

[oatmeal]

Wow. It's sad to think he has already forgotten about our night together Sunday night. The best sex I ever had - that's for sure.

Do they really just forget about you instantaneously like that. Not even one weeks worth of memory?

I responded to an email he sent me Monday morning asking me to wait for him to "sort things out" indefintely, after he told me Sunday night he would do nothing to help make me more comfortable about his ex. I responded telling him I had to block his email address and let him go because it was hurting me too much.

I guess I'm secretly hoping he will contact me again and change his stance about the ex. My girlfriend today said he won't even if he did change his mind because I blocked his email. Do you think if he really changed his mind and wanted me he would call - or does he think I'll ignore him now?

[Gemini]

That's really hard to say...

Just when I *think* I have a guy figured out, he does something completely different. I would never win. :

I think you've done the right thing by blocking his email. (and I just know you're hating reading that! sorry!) From what you mention, I kinda think he's wanting his cake and eating it too with getting to be with you BUT still going back to the ex, and maybe I'm wrong, but probably sleeping with her too. Maybe he will call when he sees you have blocked the email, but is it what you really want, and I mean *really*? Once you've had this kind of pain and self doubt in a relationship, it can always be there *lingering* if the relationship goes on, and I don't think you want to have those continuing feelings of worthlessness that is associated with him. KWIM? I know you have pictured this guy as your *everything* these days and are in a lot of pain that it didn't work out (I only understand this because I've been there myself!), but I think we both know he is just unhealthy for you and you're working so hard to make good inside of you now. Man, it just sucks to realize something like this, and the process of letting go hurts! BT,DT!!! But it can only be done on your time and I do believe the peace will come for this situation.
I was in a very hurtful situation and it took awhile to get beyond it, but then I got to a point finally where he wasn't this *larger than life* person to me anymore, and I finally got a grip of my feelings about it and was able to control them whenever I thought of him, instead of getting that sickness in my stomach like you've described (loss of control I guess, your body is reacting to your thoughts of this man, therefore your not in control of your body or feeling regarding him yet). Do that make *any* sense?? I hope so! :

I guess I'm just concerned where it might go if he did come to you and say "Okay, I'm done with the ex." But my worry is well, then what? You still will have those yucky feelings you've felt comparing yourself to her, and I'd hate to see you beat yourself up about that more. You'd be unhappy, thus causing more tension between you and him. A viscious cycle.

Really go inside and explore your wants about this guy. You will have support in whatever your mind and spirit comes up with!

Peace!

[Gemini]

I dislike that my last post sounded so preachy...sorry. I'm not wanting to come across as that!!

I did some more thinking about what I mentioned about if you two *were* able to try a relationship and I figured out that what you're needing from this man is some reassurance that you'd be "the one" for him and/or how he doesn't compare you to "the ex" and if he'd throw you some kind of bone, anything, you would get past your feelings you have next to the "ex". I think you *could* work through things and get to a good place in a relationship with this guy if he'd give you some emotional availablity. I feel what you are now having is that *glimmer* of hope of this happening, and by all means, I wish it would for you! I don't have any right to shoot down your wishes you have for this guy!! You can do what you feel your emotions can handle right now, but if you find it's too much, well then that needs to be addressed too.

There, I feel better now that I said that because I felt bad after going to bed with my post.

[oatmeal]

No worries LJM!

Day 11 - at 9:30 at night. Morning is better. I was lazy on the energy work at the end - the meditation itself was nothing really amazing. It got peaceful at the end again after 9 minutes of "guy guy guy guy guy" thoughts!

That was all for day 11...

[faeriemom]

Wow! You've made it through day 11! That's wonderful!! Even if some of your meditation each day is "guy guy guy," you're still sticking with it and getting to the peace and the energy work, and that's what it's all about.

LJM -- I thought your opinion and your advice about Oatmeal's guy situation was full of care and compassion. None of us really know each other here, but it's obvious that we can feel the pain that Oatmeal is experiencing in her relationship right now, and we want to try to lessen that pain if we can. I don't think you sounded preachy, I think you sounded like someone who wants to help. You also made a lot of good points.

I had a private session with my teacher on Thursday and was given a breath meditation to do. No mantra, but the breath is a complicated one that requires focus. And I combine it with various mudras that help expel fear and open the heart. I've done it each morning since I met with her and it feels good. I also went to one of her meditation/pranayama classes today and we did two long meditations (1/2 an hour each)....but I could not quiet my mind. I felt sleepy, then I felt restless, then I felt my right foot go to sleep, then I couldn't stop thinking about other things I had to do this week, then I kept being really aware that I was "meditating." You know, when your mind finally starts to quiet down, but that one thought "oh look at me I'm doing meditation" is still there? It was strange. I was ok with my private meditation practice this morning -- at home while ds and dh were sleeping. But at the ashram in a room of people, I couldn't get still. Maybe I was trying to do too much in one day.

Thanks for letting me share! Didn't mean to hijack your thread! Keep up the good work Oatmeal. You are doing so well this time. I really feel like you're going to make it to 40 days. Is this the furthest you've gone so far?

faerie

P.S. I misunderstood your previous post regarding advertising. Now, reading it again, I think I get what you were saying. Sorry for the assumption!

[oatmeal]

No Faerie, please, please share! Your mediation sounds complex... more than I can probably handle at this juncture! I totally get that self-aware thing. I guess that's why being a "master" is so awesome, getting the mastery over all the internal noise is probably, I would venture, the most difficult thing in the world to do. Please keep sharing!

I did day 12 last night at midnight after a slamming day of work so it was ostensibly useless. I could barely stay awake and kept yawning through the whole thing! Definitely no breakthroughs, except I am still going! I guess I should go tackle day 13 right now while DD is asleep but I am still exhausted...

Keep sharing! Keep meditating!!!

[oatmeal]

Day 13.

guy guy guy guy and tired. Went by very fast. Little insight. Slight knot in stomach.

Energy work quick but good...

[oatmeal]

day 14. Nondescript really. No real anxiety, a few thoughts not too painful, at the last minute a vague feeling of traveling with the sound of the mantra. Energy work nothing terribly exciting.

Am I hitting a plateau? Is it going to get cosmic again?

[Gemini]

Hello!

Outta town for the weekend...

I wonder if that's the deal?? Hard for me to know since I don't understand the whole thing too much. I'll have to look at the link you gave earlier in the thread. haven't been able to really explore it.

I'm so glad you made it to 14 days! And you're getting good about doing it earlier somedays! But no need to beat yourself up about it if it's done at midnight! Heck, you did it!

[oatmeal]

Day 15 at 9:00 PM at night. Totally exhausted...

Nondescript meditation again... nothing... I'm wondering if the magic leaves after ten days never to return...

At least I haven't dropped the ball again yet!!

[oatmeal]

Day 16

Rode this morning so I meditated by the stream again.

No magic or vibrations. I did observe a anchored feeling at the end, like I was more closely connected to the earth/head out of clouds feeling. There were a lot of thoughts racing through my mind the whole time and I was concentrating my mantra on the tip of my nose, on the tips of my fingers trying to get away from the racing thoughts.

I have noticed two things... the meditation now speeds by as though a minute has passed when it's actually been 11 minutes.

Also, the past three times I have meditated I have had trouble syncopating my fingers - which has never been an issue before. To be exact, my left ring finger seems to skip almost every time the mantra comes around again... interesting.

(((helllo?))))

anyone in here...?

[Gemini]

Oh sorry! I just lurked yesterday!

That is interesting the little things you are noticing through your meditation. Maybe that's part of the purpose of this is to become aware of all things big or small. Do you think it means anything in particular?? It seems as though your sub conscious isn't trying to sabatoge you as much as a few weeks ago, so thats good!

How is it going as far as the guy lately? Any contact? No contact? Is it getting easier for you or not yet? I realize it hasn't been all that long since you broke things off though. :

You got to do it earlier today too! Yay!!

I still haven't had a chance to look at the web site yet...: I'm being pulled in many directions these days! I'll get to it!

[oatmeal]

Hi LJM

glad someone's still around!

Temporary relief (maybe?) with the guy. We decided to do a 90 trial because we were both so miserable not seeing each other. He was really miserable, which I was surprised at.

So for 90 days I can't break up with him (which I was doing weekly before) and he is to stop dating and I think not sleep with anyone else (as am I) - but I need to actually lock that down when he returns from his trip on Friday. He has come a teeny bit to my side on the ex, took her pictures down without any struggle and when I got uppity the other day about her not taking him to the airport he understood and has now given that a"privilege" (ugh) to me. The next step for me is for her to give back the keys to his house and maybe when the 90 days is up I will have some non-negatiables on her which may make or break us. We shall see.

Anyway I am in love with him so I am going to get through the 90 days as best I can.

And I want to try to focus this thread back on meditation if at all possible. Hopefully by the time I hit day 40 nothing horrible will happen with him! Thanks for checking in!! I appreciate it a lot!

[faeriemom]

I'm still here too! I just haven't had much time to post. I'm so proud of you for sticking with the meditation! You're doing so well. I'm going along with mine too, but don't really have any insights to share. It has helped me to stay more focused and calm during the times that I'm off the mat though, so that's a good thing.

I don't know if my meditation is any more complicated than yours. With mine I just have to really concentrate on counting the breath. It's a 4 - 16 - 8 - 4 breath (working up to a 5 - 20 - 10 - 5 breath), which is supposed to connect me to the river of life, making it easier for me to go with the flow (which is something I've really needed to work on!). By counting the breath, and being very precise with it, I'm supposed to be able to get past all the other thoughts rushing through my mind. So far that's not working too well! One thing I've noticed as I do the meditation is that my dreams from the previous night float to the surface. I guess I'm tapping into the subconscious. Maybe that's good, but still annoying as I try to focus on the counting. Also, I'm doing various mudras during the meditation to help me feel stronger and more balanced. I really like mudra.

That's strange about skipping your left ring finger as you do your mantra. Do you think it means anything? What are your feelings about it?

Also, I think it's wonderful that the 11 minutes speed by! That's a positive sign I think. You also mentioned in an earlier post that you feel like the meditation magic has left....your meditations are now more matter of fact. I think that's what's supposed to happen. I believe it's a sign that the meditation is effecting change in you. Meditation is supposed to be as natural (and habitual) to us as brushing our teeth. It's supposed to feel like a normal part of our lives. You know I said that I still get that "ooh look at me, I'm meditating" feeling when I sit? Well, I'm waiting to NOT have that feeling! Working through and getting past that feeling of the novelty of meditating is a really good sign! And it sounds like you've done that.

Your posts give the impression that it's becoming easier and more natural for you to do it every day. I really think you're going to get to 40 days this time.

keep up the good work! I'll keep checking in and I'll try to be better about posting more often! I'm looking forward to the day when you post that you've made it all the way -- we can all celebrate with you!

faeriemom

[Gemini]

"ooh look at me, I'm meditating"

:LOL

That's funny!

So cool faeriemom! And neat insight into oatmeal's meditations! I'm glad to see you're happier oatmeal!

What is mudra if I may ask?? And also the mantra, what's that? I shouldn't continue on any longer "pretending" to know what the heck these things are! I guess for me to get to a place where I can start something like y'all are doing I better get some info here. Maybe that's why I'm not looking too much into it since I just don't know much about it, but am very open to it and intriged by the whole thing (and reading about things just isn't the same for me as getting it from some"one"). I am really wanting to get back into yoga these days and last month when I tried doing my tape I have, my baby was crawling all over the place (including up my leg while trying to do the triangle pose!: ) and my 3 1/2 year old doing the poses with me. Needless to say, it wasn't a very grounding and relaxing experience. Haven't tried since. Sooo, I just need to find the time to do them when baby is napping and make dd go watch a video or something, so she isn't asking me a million questions throughout when it's very difficult for me to just concentrate on breathing!

Any info you gals can give me would be great!

It just dawned on me that my hubby took dd for a few hours and baby is napping! I better take the chance while I have it!! Oh boy! Yoga tape, here I come!

[oatmeal]

Hi Ladies!

Glad to see you back faerie... I also do not know what a mudra is! Very curious. Also, I guess I like what you think about where the meditation is taking me although I kind of liked the cosmic feeling I got once or twice in the beginning... but the speeding by? I'm glad that is actually a positive sign. I do, do hope something is changing in the ole subconscious. I too have had the expereince of the previous night's dreams - and sometimes old dreams from months past, coming during meditation - cosmic! LOL I don't know what it means other than the spirit is being tapped...

LJM - a mantra is a verbal thing. In my case I say "Sa-Ta-Na-Ma-Ram-Ma-Das-Sa-Sa-Sae-So-Hung" (touching my thumb to each of my fingers with each syllable) as I go along. It's something I am quite sure is designed to keep one rooted in the meditation - especially for people like me on anxiety overdrive. Also, in my case with a karma-breaking meditation, the words form a sort of incantation to allow me to transcend karma - at least that's what Gurmukh instructed.

I am off to complete day 17 - while dd sleeps

edited:

I finished. Didn't go quite as fast - I looked at the clock 3 times. Definitely a thing with the third finger throwing me off balance. One my meditation sheet it says that finger corresponds to the Sun - otherthan that I couldn't tell the significance.

Here is a link discussing and showing various mudras and explaning their effect, enjoy!

http://www.mudrasforhealing.com/home-books.htm

[faeriemom]

Mudra is the hand positions you hold during meditation or during yoga. The prayer position (hands in prayer position in front of your chest) or "namaste" mudra is pretty common in yoga practice. I'm sure you've also seen the meditation mudra where the yogi is in lotus with hands resting on knees, index fingers touching thumbs -- I always think of this as a Buddha mudra! I think it's actually called Gian mudra in kundalini, but I could be mistaken.

The mudras I'm doing are for balance (hands resting in front of me as I sit cross legged, fingertips touching fingertips as if I'm holding an invisible ball); for intuition (prayer pose with thumbs resting against my third eye point); or for abundance (Laxmi mudra....to complicated to explain!). I also do other mudras as needed. We include mudra in our yoga practice at the ashram I study at. I don't know why I'm so drawn to it actually! I guess I find that it really helps me focus and it feels beautiful to perform.

I love mantra too. I sometimes do Sat Nam or Wahe Guru as I breathe. Though it's not easy to do that and count at the same time -- so I'm not using mantra when I do my new breath meditation. I also sometimes practice a breath that includes the manta Jaya Jaya Jaya at the end. It makes me feel very strong when I do it.

LJM -- I know what you mean about trying to practice yoga when your kids are crawling all over you! My son used to do that all the time. I couldn't even have a regular home practice when he was younger because I could never focus on it! It gets easier though. Now that he's older (almost 6) he lets me have 30 - 45 minutes a day to myself to practice. He sometimes comes and does yoga with me too, which is really cool. He thinks we should open our own yoga studio with him as my assistant! I'm nowhere near that....but I think it's cute that he's dreaming big!

BTW, please feel free to ask about anything that you're not clear on. I absolutely LOVE talking about yoga, meditation, mudra, mantra, kirtan -- anything spiritually related. Also, check out the Goldren Bridge site if you get a chance. There's a lot of information there that can give you a better idea of what we're talking about. And Gurmukh (the owner/teacher at Golden Bridge) is so cool! She is an excellent teacher. I haven't taken any classes with her in person, of course, but I love her book, the web site and her video!

oatmeal -- I'm glad you're doing so well. Maybe there WILL still be moments of cosmic bliss during your meditation. My theory is that it becomes second nature the more we practice it, and that it's supposed to be that way. But keep in mind, we are constantly growing and evolving, so even though it's becoming more comfortable and matter of fact for you now, there will undoubtedly be future moments of bliss as you stretch past your boundaries. I know I'm not saying that very well....I guess I mean that we aren't static beings. We are fluid -- moving and growing, so you're bound to have a variety of experiences as you continue to meditate. And I imagine that cosmic feeling will manifest every time you tap into a new level of understanding or awareness or being.....whatever it should be called.

Blechh! I'm not communicating well at all today! Sorry if I sound like a rambling windbag -- or a know it all! I'm no expert on all of this, just someone on a similar path! I apologize if I go on too much in my posts! Like I said, it's something that's important to me, so I love to talk about it.

Ok, got to go. It's late and I obviously need to get off the computer for awhile!

I'll check in tomorrow --

faerie