Adopting a child with Special Needs

[herbalmommy]

My husband and I are very interesting a child with Special Needs (Down Syndrome, specifically). We are no where near pursuing this desire but we want to learn all that we can now. I guess I don't have any specific questions but would just like to hear from people who have experience. Thank you very much. I look forward to reading all of your responses.:

[lifescholar]

Well, I have experience growing up in an adoptive family with children with special needs.

My oldest brother has FAE, RAD, ADHD, and severe emotional issues and mental illness. He also has very complex health issues. When he was adopted, he spoke only French, and my parents spoke only English.

My 2nd brother has a developmental disability related to brain injury from abuse. He also has RAD and emotional issues. When he was adopted, he was being taught sign language because no one thought he would ever speak.

My sister has ADHD, RAD, learning disabilities (a bit beyond the typical person with ADHD), and emotional issues.

I have emotional issues from being adopted...which many (if not most) adoptees will have....they were nothing serious while growing up, though. I also was designated "gifted", so had special needs when it came to education.


My mom raised us on her own. My "dud" was around for the first 10 years, but didn't really do much. My mom has been to hell and back, especially with my oldest brother. He recently returned to our lives after an 11 year absence.

It was a LOT of work raising 4 children with special needs. My mom was a SAHM, and did a lot of advocacy for all of us, as well as speech therapy, behaviour therapy, home-teaching, etc. for all of us. There was never a dull moment.

My mom found it highly stressful, and didn't always handle the stress well, but in the end, I think she did a darn good job!! My oldest brother graduated from high school at the age of 23, and is now a University student. His interests lie in politics and technology. He works as a freelance tech support person. We think he may be an alcoholic, but he is working through a lot of his issues with his natural mother, with whom he has been reunited for the past 3 or 4 years.

My other brother lives on his own, holds down a steady, full-time job, and takes care of his 3 cats! He has a daughter, who was adopted at birth.

My sister just recently ended her mat leave, and now has a full-time job. She lives very far away, but calls us at least once a week. She has a daughter, and is a single mom.

I'm a single mom, too, and am in University taking nursing. I previously earned a diploma, and was working full-time in my field up until I had my son.


So, as you can see, it's not all been roses and butterflies. BUT, when you look at what the social workers expected of my siblings, my mom worked miracles.

The work is INCREDIBLE....the reward is unmeasurable.....or so my mom would say!

HTH!


ETA: I realize that it might seem like a child with Down's Syndrome would not be as complex, but unless you adopt them from birth, they are likely to have additional issues....heck, even if you DO adopt them from birth!

[queenjane]

Spence-Chapin has a program specifically for special needs infants, ranging from drug exposure to medical issues to developmental disabilities.

http://www.spence-chapin.org/asap.html

Other private agencies probably have similar programs, so you'd just need to do a little research to find them.

Many agencies that place international children will often have special needs kids that need homes, and fees are usually reduced for these kids in order to encourage their adoption. This website has some pics of SN kids who need homes and for many of them, there arent even any fees (no agency fees, there are of course fees for travel to the country, but fundraising would help offset them!):

http://www.untilallhavehomes.org/

Again, alot of international adoption agencies do have SN needs kids, so when you're ready, its just a matter of looking for them.

And lastly, if you want to adopt through your local DHS office, there are often SN kids available(most foster kids are labelled "special needs" due to age, race, behavior issues etc...but i'm talking here about infants with severe medical or developmental special needs, like medically fragile infants, children with DS, etc)...indeed, there seems to be a huge need for families willing to foster medically fragile infants, and i assume alot of those babies become available for adoption.

Check out http://www.adoptuskids.org

Most of the young children (under 3) listed there are multihandicapped or have other severe issues. Usually though very young children listed are placed fairly quickly even if they do have severe issues.

Hope that helps!!

Katherine

[Sierra]

My ds and dfd both have special needs. We adopted both of them through foster care. ds was placed with us at 1.5 days old, so other than the foster-adopt rollercoaster (which admittedly is big), it was in some ways like a domestic adoption.

I did not start out saying that I wanted to adopt a child with special needs when we began our adoption journey. But early on the conversation comes up about what might be a good match for the family, and I had some special needs in mind that I felt especially well suited to deal with (I have a chronic disease that usually is diagnosed in children, so I was actually excited about having a child who happened to have a chronic disease similar-- but not necessarily the same-- as mine). However, I found out early on that even the private agencies discourage you from being really specific about a particular condition (Downs or whatever) because it can greatly increase your waiting period for a match, and they may never have a child come through with those particular needs unless the agency specializes only in those placements. So we became a bit more general, and ended up listing only the needs we felt we could *not* handle as well...so they at least had something to go on.

ds' birth parents both have cognitive disabilities (as in, IQs at the level called "mild mental retardation"), and developmental delays. ds has some delays, but he is still a toddler so we don't know to what extent these delays will be longterm, and how significant the delays will be.

Adoption through foster care is a really good thing. Many kids, especially those with special needs, are hanging in the system without adoptive homes, even after parental rights have been terminated. Having said that, I believe that "charitable adoption" (as in the parents adopting because they have some notion of "saving children") is harmful. Got to go...waking baby...

[RedOakMomma]

Do you have experience raising special needs kids? Not that you need it, of course , but before you look into adopting you might want to talk to some moms of special needs kids (specifically with downs) and see what their day-to-day lives are like. Posting here is great, but I would also post in the special needs forum and ask parents about parenting downs kiddos.

My two eldest sons are special needs, and I think it's great that you're looking into adopting a child that needs a special kind of TLC. If you haven't parented a special needs kid, before, though, I think it would be very important to make sure this is a life step you want to take--finding out more about raising special needs kiddos will give you a lot to think about (the good, the wonderful, and the bad).

Best of luck, and again--it's great that you're looking into this!

[frog]

lifescholar, what's RAD?

[frog]

herbalmommy, if you're looking for stuff to read, this is a great, no-nonsense blog that's in part about raising a child with Downs.

[Sierra]

Only got a sec...Frog, RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder

[lifescholar]

Thanks for answering, Sierra!

[herbalmommy]

Thank you so much for all of the wonderful responses to my post. I guess I should tell you all that the reason I feel called to adopt a child with Down Syndrome is because for the first three weeks of my daughters life we thought she had Down Syndrome. I am a research nut and spent every spare (and not so spare) moment reading all I could about everything related to the topic. I always feel very strange saying this because I'm never sure the response I will get but when DD went to see the specialist who said a karyotype was not necessary because Violet did not have Down Syndrome, I was disappointed. Now, of course, that disappointment has long since vanished. She is perfect but she was perfect when she "had" Down Syndrome, too. I learned a lot about myself in that I am prepared to achieve maximum potential with a child who otherwise might not get that chance. Down Syndrome is a beautiful thing and it breaks my heart that a child would be given up because of it. Sure, some may say that it takes more work to raise a child with these needs but every child has "special" needs. They just take form in different ways. Just as a child with Down Syndrome can benefit greatly from simple massage, so, too, can the very active child or the very shy child. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of my children have special things that they benefit from and all of those things take "more work" but that's what being a parent is about. I could go on forever, I think, because I get so emotional about the whole subject.

Thanks again everybody and I look forward to anything anyone has to offer as I start the very first steps of this journey.:

[RedOakMomma]

Someone mentioned earlier that you might be discouraged from seeking out a child with a particular disorder or need, and I've been wondering about that-- in larger international programs, where there are children with just about every kind of need, I'm thinking it might be looked at as okay that you could go in and seek out a child with Downs. When we filled out our checklist of conditions/needs we would consider, Downs was one of them. If that's a need you feel particularly drawn to, or able to help with, then I would be open about it.

It might be worth it, to call a few of the larger agencies in your area and see how they feel about wanting to adopt a waiting child with certain needs from an international program. One nice thing about waiting children programs is that you can sometimes get fast processing of the application, and quicker travel times. Your son or daughter could be with you sooner than you think!

I would find an agency first, though, and talk through the process, before you go looking at the websites for kids with special needs. I've been told over and over again about the risks of "picking out your child online"....it's tough to get emotionally attached before you know anything about a child, the program they're in, or what his/her needs are.

Best of luck, and no tomato-ducks needed!

[herbalmommy]

Okay, first of all, I notice that my original post isn't written correctly so thank you all for responding despite that! Also, I have no recollection of adding those tomato-duck smilies. That's what happens when you visit MDC at the end of a long day! They don't seem appropriate for what I wrote.

So now, I have a couple general questions about adoption that maybe you folks can answer for me. What kinds of things should I be prepared to deal with? As I said before we are in the very beginning stages of this and haven't really done much real researching yet. Will having three bio-kids be a deterrent in the placement of our child with us? What kinds of things will we have to "prove" in order for the agency to feel like we are a good match for our baby?

I probably have more questions but that will do for now. Thank you so much.

[mcng]

reeces rainbow

This agency especializes in adoption of chilren with down syndrome

[RedOakMomma]

We're adopting a fourth (hopefully healthy) child, and we have two kids with fairly significant special needs. We just went through our homestudy, so I can at least relate our experience....

Will having three bio-kids be a deterrent in the placement of our child with us?

It's not usually about the number, although some int. programs have strict guidelines about the number of children you can have. You'll want to avoid those programs, obviously. We have three kids already, and with us they weren't concerned about the #....what they looked at was:
1. our income (is it enough for a larger family?) If it's kind of on the edge of enough , what is our debt situation, our equity? Do we have family support and lots of resources to fall back on?
2. our stress level (inc. stuff like the health of our marriage, our ability to cope with challenges, the "feel" of our home and family)
3. do we have a will and life insurance, to help with such a large family if something happens to us?
4. do we have the time and love for another child?
5. do we have space in our home? Is our home chaotic (reflecting people who have too much on their hands already)?


What kinds of things will we have to "prove" in order for the agency to feel like we are a good match for our baby?

I think there are a lot of things you can do, but don't worry too much about "proving" anything to your social worker...your SW should be someone that's supportive and helpful. If you're done all you can to prepare yourself for adopting a SN baby, your social worker will see that. Worry about preparing yourself--not proving anything to someone else.

Things you could do (and ARE doing!)...participating in online discussions about parenting SN children, or adopting SN children, reading up on Downs, educating yourself about the international adoption process, or the process of adopting a SN child (terminology, timelines, etc.), joining or visiting a SN support group in your area (so you have community resources available to you), talking about your choice with your pediatrician and your family for feedback and support, finding out what your children think about adopting a special needs baby (because the SW will ask, and it's good to know).... And, if you do choose to go international, reading up on your child's birth country, the culture... ALL kinds of things. Exciting, huh?

[herbalmommy]

So, what kind of income is "enough"? We are in a really tight spot right now and I'm just wondering what kind of a leap we need to make. Also, is it feasible for someone who does not own a home to adopt? How is co-sleeping/ a family bed seen in terms of adoption? How do you find a good social worker and adoption agency? When we get to the point of "ready" what will be our very first step? The whole thing seems very overwhelming right now. What types of fees are involved? What is the likelihood that I would find a mother pregnant with a child who has Downs Syndrome that she would be putting up for adoption? How would I go about finding a mother doing so? I'm sure these questions seem terribly naive and we are at this point. I appreciate all of the responses. Thank you so much.

[herbalmommy]

I just wanted to get this back up to the top as I would like to discuss my questions more. Thank you very much.

[momofcutie]

Originally Posted by herbalmommy

What is the likelihood that I would find a mother pregnant with a child who has Downs Syndrome that she would be putting up for adoption?

Just a lingo suggestion. I have a friend who is the director of adoption services for an adoption agency and she is very big on saying "making an adoption plan" or "placing a child" rather than "giving up a baby" or "putting up a baby." I know most people say "putting up a child for adoption", but it's apparently more politically correct and kinder to the birth parents to say it in a different way. You might run into that at some point.

[Momma Aimee]

I had a thought -- and I am newly into my reseach so someone may have to correct me

but you might consider looking for a waiting child with Downs, rather than a preggo mom.

A lot of the photo lists allow you to "search" for children all over the country -- not just your home state. Then you could contat that start or adgency. Also a few adgencies i have seen have sepcail programs for waiting children with SN -- I can't think off the top of my head and I have looked at some many just looking around -- if i see one again I'll save it for you.

I would think ther emust be a waiting child or two out there with Downs.

just a thought

AImee

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by herbalmommy

So, what kind of income is "enough"? We are in a really tight spot right now and I'm just wondering what kind of a leap we need to make. Also, is it feasible for someone who does not own a home to adopt? How is co-sleeping/ a family bed seen in terms of adoption? How do you find a good social worker and adoption agency? When we get to the point of "ready" what will be our very first step? The whole thing seems very overwhelming right now. What types of fees are involved? What is the likelihood that I would find a mother pregnant with a child who has Downs Syndrome that she would be putting up for adoption? How would I go about finding a mother doing so? I'm sure these questions seem terribly naive and we are at this point. I appreciate all of the responses. Thank you so much.

A lot of your questions could be answered pretty easily by calling adoption agencies in your area--you don't need to be all ready to adopt in order to call them up and ask questions. Our first conversations with agencies were years before we actually got the ball rolling.

It seems to me that it might be difficult to find a mother pregnant with a Downs baby, though anything's possible. You could definitely try...either by doing your own search, or by inquiring with domestic adoption agencies. Another possibility is to look toward international programs. Each country, for the most part, has lists of "waiting children"--children with special needs. Some are infants, some are toddlers, some are children. Often their special need is known, especially with something like Downs. When you adopt a waiting child, often the process is sped up so that the "typical" waiting times for that country don't really apply. You'd have to ask agencies how quickly their waiting children are being brought home.

Your first step will be to call to local agencies and get information packets from them. Read them, talk to their workers on the phone, and get a feel for the two or three agencies you like. Then ask for references--couples who have adopted through them recently. Call the references, and ask how they felt about the agency. Do internet searches about the agency, and join Yahoo groups for that agency--really get a feel if the agency and the program you choose are "right" for you. Once you have the agency and program picked, then it all falls into place.

Good luck--and do check out the sticky post with adoption resources. Good stuff.

[Momma Aimee]

another bouns to the waiting child program -- in addition to most countries speeding the process for sn kids, is a fee dedcution for some sn kids. the counties understand that it is a more challange adoption, post-placement requireing more med care or whatever and they realize the kids can oly get the treatment and care in a family.

not always, but a lot of times, there are reduced fees and a speed up process

A