Question for all of you stepmoms... - Page 4

[bigeyes]

naw, I'm pretty new

I just blather and blather at times and then don't say anything for a while. I don't know how I'm going to survive for a year before I can get into the surviving abuse boards.

I have to go pick up the kids soon. I have no idea what I'm going to say to my daughter.

8(

[sphinxie]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

I have to go pick up the kids soon. I have no idea what I'm going to say to my daughter.

If you're still here... one question you could ask is "How do I want to feel about this?" and then focus on the feeling that you prefer to have. Just by focusing on that feeling, often you will end up feeling that instead. Then from that feeling you prefer, you can say whatever comes naturally, and it will be something you'll prefer.

[bigeyes]

well

Originally Posted by sphinxie

If you're still here... one question you could ask is "How do I want to feel about this?" and then focus on the feeling that you prefer to have. Just by focusing on that feeling, often you will end up feeling that instead. Then from that feeling you prefer, you can say whatever comes naturally, and it will be something you'll prefer.

Today, after the throes of PMS are over, I am much clearer on this. I don't understand how it is possible for me to be completely nuts for 2 days and then be appalled at my own behavior afterwards. I never know when it's going to hit, anywhere from 20 to 40 or so days apart. I'm terrified by this, I think it's part of what was wrong with my mom, and I know how damaging this can be for kids to be around.

I don't know what to do, I'm so tired of going to doctors and having them either downplay the awfulness or tell me I'm depressed. If i was depressed I wouldn't have all the good days in between. I watched 'The Secret' today, and I intend to try positive thinking, but there are always those 2 crazy days that leave me feeling guilty.

My poor dd, 2 crazy moms. It's a wonder she can function at all.

:

We go to see the counselor together on monday, me, dd and dh. Afterwards they are supposed to be scheduling me an appointment by myself. There has to be something that can be done.

[bettyboopbikermom]

Google pmdd. I have been going through this since the birth of my 5 year old. I was put o hormone after hormone until finally my hair fell out ! Thing is I am fine when actually the time comes. But a week beforehand I get cranky, forgetful and have NO energy. I get headaches that will be so bad that hearing my own breathing hurts.
I am 30 years old , and have had a tubal ligation by the way . 5 doctors later I am hopefully closer to being treated correctly.
You aren't crazy and don't try to over-make up for the behavior you are ashamed of . Apologize for it and move on.

[bigeyes]

Pmdd

sounds like me all right. It's possible the whole fibromyalgia thing was misdiagnosed PMDD. I swear, I lose a little faith in the medical community every time I see another doc.

8(

[sphinxie]

Naturopaths can be far more effective with that kind of thing.

[bigeyes]

how do I find one?

is there a website where I can find a national list? naturopaths are supposed to be a big help with the thyroid thing too, but we've been so busy since the move I haven't done a lot of looking for much else other than the shrink.

8)

[sphinxie]

I have no idea... I stumbled upon my first one, and when I moved they gave me a recommendation for the one I saw here. In Hawaii there should be a good number I'd think.

[bigeyes]

update

we had our first counseling session, and things are looking up. We both have some patterns that need to be changed, and I'm hoping things continue to go well. Can't cure everything in one session, but we've started, anyway.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by sehbub

My girls have been in my life since they were babies, and for MUCH longer than my biokids, so my situation is probably a little different. As such, my feelings for them are quite stable.
I'm blessed, I guess, in that I got to be a part of their lives from the get-go, and therefore don't have to deal with that animosity or clashes that can occur when older children are involved, I guess.
None of you are bad people because of these feelings...we can't possibly be expected to love everyone equally all the time. It's just not a reasonable expectation.

Yes, very good point and I agree with you. When stepkids are younger, the transition is easier for all involved and the bond is stronger. In my case, I was adopted by my stepdad when I was 8, but he filled the role of daddy for me since I was 2 years old and I had no contact with my bio dad. There was still a sense of not being his (stepdad's) and not as strong a bond between he and I as there was between he and his bio daughter.

With my stepson, his stepdad came into his life when he was 4 (I think) and married his mom, lives with him full-time. I came into ss's life when he was 8, and he had had an inconsistent relationship with his bio dad up to that point. It's much improved since I've been here, though. I definitely am not bonded with him as I am with my own daughters, but I don't feel guilty. I know that is natural under our circumstances. I also know he is not as close to me as he is to his stepdad. That's okay, though.

[mum23]

I wasn't allowed to be involved in my stepdaughters life and was isolated by her when she visited. Her mother told me I have and never will have anything to do with her daughter. been with DH for 4 years married for 2. So it's pretty hard not to be involved! I don't have a relationship with my SD at all.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by mum23

I wasn't allowed to be involved in my stepdaughters life and was isolated by her when she visited. Her mother told me I have and never will have anything to do with her daughter. been with DH for 4 years married for 2. So it's pretty hard not to be involved! I don't have a relationship with my SD at all.

How does that work? When she's at your house do you leave? What does your dh say about this?

[sunshine's mama]

I haven't read the whole thread...dd isn't letting me...lol but the last paragraph of your OP.....describes me to a T these days...except now it's more not want her here than want her here bc of the stress in the house when she is here that she is aware she creates......I created the same stress at my dad's house when I was her age but I learned not to do it quicker....

When I have some time, I'll go through and read the whole thread.......

Just wanted to let ya know, as maybe others have done that you aren't the only one who flip flops on feelings.......