question about sensitivity to our children in adoption

[sesa70]

As I sat trying to write our adoption story for the new stickie, it got me thinking. I am hoping for some advise.

How much of your childs adoption story do you share with others? Last night my dh and I were sitting around telling the girls each of their stories about how they joined our family. Older dd's was through birth, and we talked about the ride to the hospital etc. Younger dd's was through adoption, and we talked about what we were doing at the moment of 'the call'. Each of them LOVES hearing their stories and we talk of it often, even though younger dd is only 14 months.

dd #2 came home at 3 days. The second that phone rang she was mine, however, it's what happened those 3 days before that make me uneasy. She came to us through the state foster care system but there was no question that this was an adoptive placement. How and when do I explain to her the circumstances of her coming into foster care? Do I explain it to others? What details do I give or leave out? Her adoption is all over and done with so its up to my discretion to discuss or not discuss the details, but I am unsure. It it her story to tell, therefore I tell no one? If I do that am I making the circumstances taboo and causing them therefore to be worse? If I am not secretive and just treat it as what was and openly discuss, will it backfire? Will she be uncomfortable with that?

Like I said, i was starting our adoption story, and stopped because I just was not sure what the right amount of information was to share.

[Sarahbunny]

I don't have any advice, but sympathize with you re: how much to share. I'm still trying to get it through my head that I don't need to explain to everyone who comments that dd didn't get the dimple in her chin from me or dh but from her birthmother. I just get caught unaware and then say it and then later think to myself that a simple "no" response would have been fine.

What bothers me even more though, is when others share it about dd. For example, we went to see dh's grandparents last weekend and his grandfather was in the ICU after surgery. So we go for a quick visit becuase he loves his great granddaughter (and he was in ICU because there werent any beds on the regular floor, btw - he wasn't in critical condition) and we get there and the nurse says something about how she's heard all about dd and she's beautiful and she looks just like me. Which is all true, of course. But then she follows it up with "looks just like you, even though you aren't really related" - so dh's grandparents are obviously telling everyone they know about her and that is great, but being adopted is not who she is. KWIM? It's part of her, but it's something that doesn't need to be included in a description of her.

[Sierra]

Since we foster-adopt, a lot of the journey is a shared one in our community. To some extent, our friends and family are on the rollercoaster ride with us. So from that standpoint, their stories are public.

But I think there are two kind of stories here. There are the stories about the adoption, which belong equally to all members of the family because it is all of our story-- a shared story. And there are the stories of *why* the child is not with birthfamily.

With ds, we were somewhat open with everyone about the situation that brought him to us-- to the extent that we could do so without violating our confidentiality agreement-- and now that he is adopted, we have answered questions for folks that couldn't be answered previously. We figured over time, it wouldn't be a topic of conversation much, and ds would just naturally take ownership of it and share it as desired, or not share it if he didn't want to. However, since that time, I've really questioned that course. In some ways, I've taken ds' story and made it mine, when it is really his to tell. I no longer feel that was the right course of action.

So with dfd, partly because of the nature of why she is in care (with ds, it was a different type of scenario), partly because of the fact that even the SW hasn't disclosed much yet to us, partly because of our confidentiality agreement, but mainly because of what I learned with ds, we are not really sharing anything with anyone...and won't share anything after her adoption. In fact, dw let a small detail of her story slip to her brother's wife, and I was *mad* and we had a long heart to heart after that and have both agreed that with dfd, we will be *silent*. It is her story, and her choice. When she is old enough, she will decide if she'll tell anyone, with whom she will share the story, etc. We will be open with her about her own story, in age appropriate ways. My only concern is that we need to be careful about the way we approach the whole matter so we don't unintentionally convey that her story is shameful, or something that should be "secret," etc.

[Laurel]

Originally Posted by Sierra

But I think there are two kind of stories here. There are the stories about the adoption, which belong equally to all members of the family because it is all of our story-- a shared story. And there are the stories of *why* the child is not with birthfamily.

I really agree with this.

I have a hard time knowing what to share when telling my kids' stories. I am much more open about it online where I know our privacy is protected (because I don't share any of our names or other identifying details). Even as I wrote our stories for the sticky thread, though, I wondered at times when I might be sharing too much, particularly as I described certain aspects of the birthfamilies' experiences. However, if I share too little, then the story becomes less meaningful.

In real life I am learning to keep many details private. I have never shared with people why our children have been placed, except in the most generic of terms. Sometimes I have to share some things in order to correct the myths that I hear. For example, from the lady renting me a breastpump I got: "Oh my goodness!!!!! She is such a BEAUTIFUL baby!!!! How on earth could anyone not want such a beautiful baby!!!!" She seriously went on and on about this for the entire 15 minutes I was in the store. Without sharing any details, I told her that dd was very much wanted, but her birthmom knew she wasn't in a position to parent another child at that point and wisely chose to place her.

I get the rudest questions! Another mom at my ds's preschool has asked me several point-blank questions that are just inappropriate, such as "Do you know if there is anything wrong with her? Drug exposure, etc.?" Well, we do know that she was most likely exposed to drugs in utero, but I'm not about to share that with someone who isn't very close to me. Even if they are close, I am now hesitant after sharing that detail with a good friend who then proceeded to go on and on about "drug babies". I was so offended to hear the term "drug babies" applied to these beautiful children who just happened to have been exposed to drugs. She is not a "drug baby"! At the time I shared that with my close friend, I had just learned of the drug issues and really just needed someone to talk to. But I will definitely tread much more carefully next time.

So in the end, I agree with Sierra. I think many of the details of the "story" belong to me just as much as to my children. But details about their birth families and the "why's" are no one's business. I have shared some of this with my mother and one very close friend, but that's about it. I am sure there are some who would disapprove even of this.

[ibex67]

Originally Posted by sesa70

How and when do I explain to her the circumstances of her coming into foster care? Do I explain it to others? What details do I give or leave out? Her adoption is all over and done with so its up to my discretion to discuss or not discuss the details, but I am unsure. It it her story to tell, therefore I tell no one? If I do that am I making the circumstances taboo and causing them therefore to be worse? If I am not secretive and just treat it as what was and openly discuss, will it backfire? Will she be uncomfortable with that?

I wrestle with similar issues. In our case, the foster and adoption process has been very drawn out and it's a very open adoption and there are things I know about my daughter's first mom that contributed to my daughter's history that are private. So from my point of view:

- what to tell our children? -- I think they have a right to their whole story but not necessarily all at once. It's our job as parents to protect them from truths that may be hurtful until they have the strength, resources, maturity to handle it. I think my daughter will hear her story many, many times over her childhood and into her adulthood and we will add more layers of truth and fact to what we tell her as it becomes appropriate.

- what to tell others? -- For the vast majority of people all they need to know is that she is our daughter. The fact that she is adopted is pretty obvious as she is AA and we are white. Most people who know us also know that it is an open adoption and that we see my daughter's first mom and visit with her and her two other children monthly. Her first family is in some sense part of our extended family and we normalize this as much as possible. And part of normalizing it is not keeping it a secret.

On the other hand, the process of fostering and adopting her has been a long and difficult one. One that presented many emotional challenges for me and many opportunities for personal growth. And so there are a very few friends who know just about everything. Because I needed to process and share with them over the years. But I don't think this is different that sharing things in confidence with good friends in general.

So I guess what I am saying is that it is a continuum and it depends very much on when and who.

[RedOakMomma]

Please take everything I write with a big grain of salt, because of course I'm not a BTDT mama with this stuff...more like a mama-in-training. Thinking about what we'll do and actually -doing- something are very different.

The topic of this thread something we talked about at great length with our social worker during the homestudy visits. It's something she feels very strongly about. In her mind, the specific details of a child's pre-adoption history are for no one but the child. She encouraged us to be honest with our daughter about the details, expanding the level of detail as she gets older, and even putting the details in her private life book, but she was very firm about the idea of keeping the details private. What she said struck me--and I wish I could put it as well as she did-- but it was something like this:

Children who are adopted sometimes lose so much. They lose their birth family, the detailed family memories of their first weeks, years, or months, their ancestry, their culture, their language...and so, it's healthy for them to have control, posession in a way, of their own story. They should decide who knows the details and who doesn't. They should be the ones who "know it all," versus having grandparents, aunts, or friends of their parents who know the whole story. As they get older, their ability to share their story with the people they trust is a powerful form of claiming their identity, and controlling their surroundings.

She said we should share only three things with our closest family and friends when we get a referral: where she was born (city), her name, and her birthdate. Nothing else, not even if we're asked by family for specifics. If her birthdate is unknown, don't tell anyone--her set birthdate is her birthdate. By keeping the details of her pre-adoption life private, we're saving the story for her. It would be unfair for her to find out sensitive details from a gabby friend of mine, or from one of her cousins. Her story shouldn't be common knowledge, or spread by word of mouth.

Our SW did contrast two types of stories, though--one story is the pre-adoption story...the details of why she was placed for adoption, and why her mother and father didn't work out, and all of that. The other story is the adoption story--where she came from, what foster family she lived with in Korea, the happy arrival day, and the story of how she joined our family. That stuff can be told, and retold, in front of her siblings and other family and friends.

I don't know, but that's the story (the public one) that I would feel comfortable posting if and when the happy gotcha day ever arrives. The other personal details? Those are hers, not mine, to share.

Again, I'm a BTDT wannabe. We'll see how this all applies once I'm actually faced with the situation. I'm sure it will be very difficult not to tell my nearest and dearest every detail we know about this long-awaited baby.

[Diane B]

I don't have a lot to add to the other excellent posts, except to say that I have been shocked by the details that people will ask us - and not necessarily people we know well - about the circumstances of our daughter's birth and her birth mother's decision. It is definitely something I do not feel comfortable sharing in detail, but some people just will not let it go. I have tried to speak very generally about the situation of many women in Guatemala (i.e. birth control and abortion are illegal, there is a lot of stigma against single mothers, etc.) but lately, I don't feel like educating people. For our daughter, we have a picture book we made of her story, and a very simple explaination we use when we get to the photo of her birth mother. As she has more questions, we will share more.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by Diane B

I don't have a lot to add to the other excellent posts, except to say that I have been shocked by the details that people will ask us - and not necessarily people we know well - about the circumstances of our daughter's birth and her birth mother's decision.

One day I was at Circuit City waiting in line to have my laptop looked at for repair. The older man (and I specify this to say that it was a bit intimidating) was waiting for his computer, which was being looked at. ds was hungry and started fussing. I got out a bottle and was feeding him, when the man said, in a very judgemental voice, something like (I can't remember it exactly now...it has been almost two years...ds was maybe three our four months), "Did you breastfeed for a couple months and then quit?"

I was really taken aback. It is the one and only negative comment I have received for bottlefeeding, and it was in Circuit City of all places. In my complete shock, I stammered something like, "No, he is not my biological child." I don't know what I would have said if I could go back and do it over again, more prepared and minus the shock. Anyway, he proceeded by asking me, in a way that made it very, very difficult to not answer him, what the deal was. I tried to change the subject, etc....but he kept at it. When it came out that he was my foster, hopeful adoptive son (he is now my ds), I thought the conversation would end. But the man went on to ask me, "Oh, is he a crack baby?" A complete f-ing stranger! I was steaming!

[sesa70]

Thank you to everyone for your well thought out suggestions and for sharing your perspectives.

I can completely relate to revealing too much and wishing I had not.... dd was on our local news before we brought her home. We had been waiting for what seemed like forever for a baby to join our familes, and I was so excited. So, in my excitment and haste I told everyone (well immediate family, but its large. Many aunts and uncles, gma, etc) that she was coming home and that she was the baby on the news, and a blurb about her story.

It has been kicking me in the rear since. My grandmother especially loves to talk about how horrible her birth mother is and how could she do this to this wonderful baby. While I think that my dd's birthmother certainly could/should have made better choices surrounding her daughter I cannot pretend to understand what kind of a situation she was in, I simply dont know. Besides, she gave my daughter life when she did not have to do so. How could I feel so negatively towards the woman who gave me my child? I tell people this but they look at me like I have two heads and proceed to talk about how horrible her birth mother is.

I was also at a family party when dd was about 6 months old. Some stranger I had never seen before approached me and asked me "is this the miracle baby?" I looked clearly confused, and then she proceeded to reveal details of her early days that left me with my jaw open. Clearly someone had felt the need to share my daughters beginnings with this perfect stranger. I didnt know how to react so I just walked away. Later that night I sent a pretty upset email out to family and friends telling them this was not their story to share.

I say these things to show that yes, part of me is aware of that people can be idiots and that perhaps I should not share her information with the world. But another part of me is still bursting with excitement at the fact that she is mine and that we were lucky enough to be chosen as her parents. I am so proud of her and of our decision to adopt that I almost want to shout it from the mountain, kwim? So still, I am torn. I want dd to have a positive image of her adoption but I dont want it to define who she is.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by sesa70

I can completely relate to revealing too much and wishing I had not....

I feel better knowing I am not alone in that mistake. Thank you for sharing that.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by Sierra

In some ways, I've taken ds' story and made it mine, when it is really his to tell.

I know that this is the popular feeling in the adoption community, but I disagree with it. I feel that my children are my children and are a part of my family now matter how they joined it, and their stories are our family's stories in the same way that my bio daughter's story is our family's story. Theirs have extra characters in them, but it doesn't make them less of our family's story. My personal opinion is that treating a child's adoption story as something "above and beyond" the family's story and experience just sets that child apart as different and could make the child feel less like they fully belong.

We are very open about most things about our children's adoptions.

That said, I don't see why anyone would have to know that your daughter was in foster care for 3 days if you don't want them to know. I doubt most people would even think to ask. It's not at all unusual for infants in private adoptions to join their families after several days. If someone were to ask, it's fine to say, "For now we are keeping certain parts of this story private."

Namaste!

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

She said we should share only three things with our closest family and friends when we get a referral: where she was born (city), her name, and her birthdate. Nothing else, not even if we're asked by family for specifics. If her birthdate is unknown, don't tell anyone--her set birthdate is her birthdate.

I disagree with your social worker. There's nothing to make family and friends feel like your adopted little one is some "other," some not-completely-understood mystery, than being circumspect and secretive about the child's origins. If your child has been abused, I don't think it's necessary to get into the details of that, but general details about the child's birth family and early experiences are part of who the child is. His or her life doesn't begin when he/she joins the adoptive family.

Our son's birthdate is unknown and we are completely open about that. First, it's pretty obvious that our son is older than his stated age, so being open about it cuts down on people continuing to comment about it and (in the case of some strangers I have encountered) argue with me about how old he really is, and second, I don't want it to be knowledge that smacks him in the face someday. It's part of his life. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a secret.

Of course, we are also open about our daughter having HIV, and some people think we are Satan incarnate for that, but ... all the decisions we make are based on what we think will provide our children with the most secure base we can provide them.

Namaste!

[RedOakMomma]

[QUOTE=dharmamama;7200496]There's nothing to make family and friends feel like your adopted little one is some "other," some not-completely-understood mystery, than being circumspect and secretive about the child's origins.QUOTE]

I see your point, totally. I see it as a choice with positives and negatives on both sides...1) we could be very open with the details of why she was placed for adoption, and have her whole adoption story open to the people in her world, but risk that that openness would cause her hurt or that the more lurid details of her parents' decisions would be what people know and want to talk about. Or 2) We could be private with her pre-adoptive details, have her story open only to her, and risk that people in her world will see that secrecy and feel that she is "other" or mysterious.

It's definitely a valid concern, the secrecy, but in our particular case it doesn't worry me. I have no fears that our immediate family, or our wider circle of friends, will get stuck on the secrecy and from then on see our daughter as "other" or mysterious. Once they meet her, interact with her, know her as a person, they'll have millions of details to know about her, and the details of her first week or month on earth will be the least of their interests or concern.

On the other hand, if all they know about her for months (while we're waiting to bring her home) are the sad facts of her birthmother's choice, or the confusion about her birthdate, or anything else that I would consider "private," I would worry that those stories would become a concrete part of how she is seen and perceived, before people even get a chance to meet her. No matter what she is as a person, the months and months of thinking of her as some remote baby that was "given up" for X reason is something that no amount of time will erase from people's minds. And, personally, I don't want her to have to confront that again and again.

Her story won't be treated, within our immediate family, as something that's kept secret because it's shameful. It will be kept secret because it's something she owns, it's her story to grow with, to share as she sees fit and as she feels ready emotionally. Maybe it's just because our SW had such strong opinions, but I feel that this is the right path for our family. I don't want my daughter to hear her birthmother's choice or circumstances brought up by outsiders...complete with the opinions, tones, and judgements of those facts from other people. I want her to know her birthmother's choice and come to her own gradual emotional terms with it, so that when she chooses she can share the facts, and her current view of them, with people she trusts and loves.

Will strangers still ask for her personal information? Sounds like it. I don't think there's anything I can do about that. But for the people in our lives regularly, I really feel they'll forget there's anything to know about certain facts or circumstances. I feel they'll respect our boundaries and even forget the boundaries were there in the beginning.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

[
I would worry that those stories would become a concrete part of how she is seen and perceived, before people even get a chance to meet her. No matter what she is as a person, the months and months of thinking of her as some remote baby that was "given up" for X reason is something that no amount of time will erase from people's minds. And, personally, I don't want her to have to confront that again and again.

Yes, I see what you are saying. I just want to say, though, that as the adoptive parent of two children, this has not been our experience. Especially with our older daughter, everyone knew for over a year that the girl we were adopting had HIV (and this really couldn't have been avoided even if we wanted to keep it a secret, because we had sponsored her for two years before we met/decided to adopt her, so everyone knew she was the same girl) and she is not seen as "the HIV girl." She's just Desta. People think it's cool that she's from Ethiopia and they love her accent, but that's the extent of her "separateness." She visits friends and goes for sleepovers and participates in sports classes, etc., just as Desta, not as "Desta with HIV." Efram is not "Efram who was found abandoned as an infant." He's just Efram.

Anyway, not trying to change your mind, just sharing our experience.

Namaste!

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

I know that this is the popular feeling in the adoption community, but I disagree with it. I feel that my children are my children and are a part of my family now matter how they joined it, and their stories are our family's stories in the same way that my bio daughter's story is our family's story. Theirs have extra characters in them, but it doesn't make them less of our family's story.

See, I still think there are two kind of stories here.

1. There are the stories about the adoption, which belong equally to all members of the family because it is all of our story-- a shared story.

2. There are the stories of *why* the child is not with birthfamily.

Maybe it is because of some of the horrific things dfd endured before coming to us, but I do not feel like the second type of story is mine to tell. I just don't.

Having said that, I agree with you on this account:

My personal opinion is that treating a child's adoption story as something "above and beyond" the family's story and experience just sets that child apart as different and could make the child feel less like they fully belong.

I am learning that there is a balance to be found between secrecy and total openess about every detail. For me personally, the balance is not found on the end of sharing only a child's birthdate, city of birth, and name. But it is also not on the end of sharing the types of abuse she has endured, which is actually not an uncommon question.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by Sierra

But it is also not on the end of sharing the types of abuse she has endured, which is actually not an uncommon question.

Well, yeah, I agree with you there. If my bio child endured abuse at the hands of someone else, I wouldn't go around talking about that either. But I don't really see that as an adoption issue. That's just a regular privacy issue to me.

I guess I am thinking more along the lines of not keeping it a secret that Desta's parents are deceased or that we don't know who Efram's parents are. To me those are not things that need to be closely guarded secrets.

Namaste!

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

Well, yeah, I agree with you there. If my bio child endured abuse at the hands of someone else, I wouldn't go around talking about that either. But I don't really see that as an adoption issue. That's just a regular privacy issue to me.

I guess I am thinking more along the lines of not keeping it a secret that Desta's parents are deceased or that we don't know who Efram's parents are. To me those are not things that need to be closely guarded secrets.

Namaste!

I tend to agree with you here. When people find out Amira is adopted usually I get asked if I know her 'real' mom. I tell them no, and then they begin to ask questions. thats where it gets uncomfortable and questionable for me.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

Yes, I see what you are saying. I just want to say, though, that as the adoptive parent of two children, this has not been our experience. Especially with our older daughter, everyone knew for over a year that the girl we were adopting had HIV (and this really couldn't have been avoided even if we wanted to keep it a secret, because we had sponsored her for two years before we met/decided to adopt her, so everyone knew she was the same girl) and she is not seen as "the HIV girl." She's just Desta. People think it's cool that she's from Ethiopia and they love her accent, but that's the extent of her "separateness." She visits friends and goes for sleepovers and participates in sports classes, etc., just as Desta, not as "Desta with HIV." Efram is not "Efram who was found abandoned as an infant." He's just Efram.!

I'm glad to hear your experience, because again, until we actually get our daughter's referral and bring her home, all of this is just theory to me. It's good to hear how other people are choosing to deal with the same situation.

The thing I worry about is what I've heard from other adoptive parents or even grown adopted children....two scenarios:

1. We're at a birthday party for a friend of mine. I've told my friend the details of why our daughter was placed for adoption (a fairly common reason in Korea is that the birth parents weren't married). My friend's mother is there, and my friend shared our daughter's information with her mother. Friend's mother says, in my daughter's earshot, something negative about her birthmother because she was unwed and chose not to keep her child, or something negative about Korea, because their culture doesn't support single parents. It's one thing if it's just a stranger saying "how could her "real" mother have given her up!," but in my mind it's another thing if a stranger knows the particulars of my birthdaughter's circumstances and makes negative comments about that. I don't want her to feel that, at any moment, her personal details can be brought up for analysis, comment, and criticism by people she hardly knows.

2. My daughter is at a playdate with her cousin, and the older son of my SIL is there. I've shared with SIL the story of our daughter's birth, and unbeknownst to me, SIL has talked about our daughter's birth in front of her 4 year old. While dd and cousin are playing, cousin says something like "your mommy gave you up because she didn't like you. My mommy says she didn't even give you your name."...or something much worse than that, who knows.

I guess, what I'm worried about, is that once the story is out, the story is out. It can and will be handled by anyone--including rude people, young people, and insensitive people...all kinds of people that can hurt my daughter with information they never needed to have in the first place.

And I'm sure our daughter WILL be just herself to the people who really know her--her family and friends. But to the people on the fringes, the near-strangers, she will be reduced to a package of details (as we all are to near-strangers). I don't want that package of details to contain information that seems (to me) very private.

Who knows--I may be a little extreme with the name/city/birthdate thing, but based on the hurt that I've seen and heard described by friends and acquaintances, for now I'm feeling the fewer details the better. I just want to wait for people to know HER, not her adoption file.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

I don't want her to feel that, at any moment, her personal details can be brought up for analysis, comment, and criticism by people she hardly knows.

I'm not sure we can protect any of our children, bio or adopted, from this. Anytime anyone knows anything about us, it could be unexpectedly brought up in conversation.

I see where you are coming from, and I am not trying to say you are wrong. I'm just explaining our viewpoint. And I guess I see it as, the best I can do for my kids is to treat their life story as matter-of-factly as I can and be there for them when/if they encounter something like what you described. Perhaps as the parent of bio and adopted kids I worry about the idea of being free with the details of our bio daughter's story but treating the adopted kids' stories differently and what that says to each of the kids about who they are and their place in the family. My dh and I are extremely open people, and all of our kids had the fortune/misfortune of landing in an open family. I don't think we can ever protect our kids from adoption-related zings, and especially since our kids are black in a white family. The best we can do is try to lessen the zings, and we chose being open as one of the ways to do that.

Interesting discussion! Thanks for discussing!

Namaste!

[RedOakMomma]

[QUOTE=dharmamama;7215278]I'm not sure we can protect any of our children, bio or adopted, from this. Anytime anyone knows anything about us, it could be unexpectedly brought up in conversation.

And I guess I see it as, the best I can do for my kids is to treat their life story as matter-of-factly as I can and be there for them when/if they encounter something like what you described. I don't think we can ever protect our kids from adoption-related zings, and especially since our kids are black in a white family. The best we can do is try to lessen the zings, and we chose being open as one of the ways to do that.QUOTE]

Thanks for the discussion--you're really giving me things to think about. What you described above are really good points--definitely something to consider. I wonder if I can find a way of being both open and discreet?? Perhaps treat almost every bit of her birthstory and adoption story as matter-of-factly as you say, but then keep the sensitive details for her only? Because you're right, she WILL get the zings, no matter what. If she has to encounter, them though, I guess I'd prefer those zings to be more generic, adoption/race-related zings than zings that are pointed at her life story in particular.

Either way, the zings are awful, but there's still something appealing to me about this idea of her having control over the details of her own story. Perhaps I'm just seeing the rosy side of my point of view, but I feel like if she alone posesses her story, she'll have our help and guidance and support in developing a healthy emotional response to any potentially hurtful information. If, on the other hand, she's confronted by that same information negatively by strangers, I wonder if she'll start to feel that very same information is shameful, or bad, or embarrassing. See what I mean? Keeping it private might give her the message that private=embarrassing=shameful, but making it public seems like it could ALSO make it embarrassing/shameful. What I'm banking on is that, under our supervision/control, we would be more likely to keep the facts of her birth (or birthmother) a healthy, positive thing... I feel like, if it's public, it's much more likely it could spin toward negative and hurtful.

Much to think about... and thanks!