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Joe's Birth Story Part II: Post Partum Psychosis - Page 2

post #21 of 35
MHM, I think it's very important that you posted this in TAO, because many folks ... MDC members and guests just surfing through ... will see the PPD section and say, "Oh, not me, couldn't be." Or just think it doesn't apply, or couldn't ever. Or think that someone they know is just ... well, I think you get my point. Putting it in TAO opens it up to a lot wider viewing, and allows more of us to understand just what can happen ... and allows more of us to learn compassion.


Though I have just noticed this thread was moved to the PPD forum. So much for that ...
post #22 of 35
Thread Starter 
it was moved, but there's still a link in tao.

you know, i didn't even think about putting it in ppd, because psychosis isn't really depression, it's (generally temproary) mental illness, and i thought of this as my birth story, not my account of ppd, so don't think it needed to be moved. I can see your point. Perhaps the link in TAO is enough to broaden the topic as you describe.

I think it is something that is of interest to the general populace and not strictly a ppd area because it's so rare and misunderstood. and it's a darn harrowing tale

I could go on about what went right and what went wrong. One thing that was seriously wrong was that after I got out of hte hospital I needed to see a psychiatrist to help with my meds. Now what I didn't realize at the time was that I didn't really need the meds because I can manage this with naturopathy. But, in order to show progress and get out of the hospital, I had to make an appointment with a shrink. Actually, a psychiatric nurse practitioner - I highly recommend nurse practitioners for areas where a full-blow professional is too much for the task. Like seeing an OB when a midwife is all you need, if you get my drift. Anyway, in this case, the NP got too involved and made the tansition worse. Because I was diagnosed as bipolar, and I was manic on top of being psychotic, she told me that I couldn't trust my judgement about my mood. Now that is something that just really messes with your head. Here I am, delusional, coming off of being psychotic with one, and only one, priority in mind; take care of my son, get him out of hte hospital, bring him home and be the best mother to him that i can. And I have to check with someone else about everything I'm thinking and feeling to see if it's real or if i'm just being either manic or delusional. And this woman gets overly involved in my recovery, demanding that I stop breastfeeding/pumping and be ready to be on psychotropic drugs for the rest of my life. She'd talk to my naturopath and they'd both get into this frenzy (for example the NP told my naturopath that I was still delusional and that she was going to tell the NICU not to release my son because I couldn't handle it, and that she had the autority to do so. Turns out she didn't and the hospital didn't listen to her anyway because they saw me everyday and used their own judgement, whew. And my naturopath is in touch with my husband and mother and conveys these messages and everyone gets freaked out and I have to some how find the wherewithall to give her the right answers when I see her so that she won't keep screwing with my head, but I can't trust my own judgement. I finally realized that I had to stop seeing her and trust the nutrients instead of the psychotropics, but it was pretty hard because I was still delusional, having trouble adjusting and manic as all get out. Yes, my judgement was flawed, so it was pretty difficult to tell the difference between who was helping and who wasn't.

there were a number of visions or hallucinations that came up while I was psychotic that lingered afterwards that prepetuated the delusions and made it difficult to make judgements. let's just say that the entire event was very spritual and I had a lot of delusions about my inflated importance and place in the world afterwards.

Like I said, I'll include the spritual aspect in another thread, but it was a highly spritual and opening event.


post #23 of 35
Thread Starter 

uncertain about moving the thread...

well, moving it doesn't change the priority in TAO, so it doesn't incidate that it has been updated. It shows up when you do a search for new topics, but a lot of folks don't use that option, they just go to the forums they like, so it looks like people new to the forum won't be able to easliy find it unless they're looking in ppd or do a search for new topics.

oh, well, i'll see what Cynthia thinks.
post #24 of 35
Originally posted by Jish
One of the hardest things about depression and the related illnesses is that they don't mean you are "depressed." Please join us on the PPD board. I'm sure you have a wealth of wisdom to share.
Having been around family members who had PPD and the related illnesses but weren't 'depressed', ITA. This is a big misunderstanding, imo, about PPD. Big misconception about depression in general, since there are so many different ways to be depressed.

thank you again, MHM for sharing your story. Takes courage.

Edited for typos.
post #25 of 35
Thread Starter 
another thing to consider - psychosis is psychosis, regardless of how it's acquired, mine just happened to follow my birth. how one deals with someone who is psychotic is very important. it's very misunderstood.

thanks all,

post #26 of 35
post #27 of 35
Thread Starter 
part I of the story is here, incase my sig changes:
post #28 of 35
MHM, I too wanted to thank you for sharing your story. What courage you have!

Jessemomme, what you are describing is Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I had that too. Very scary. For me, it was like I would pass the knives and think "Oh my G*d, what if I....?" Then I would be so scared that I even had that thought. It wasn't that I ever thought that I wanted to do that, it was like I was scared I was going to do it by mistake.

This stuff is all so hard to talk about but it makes it easier for everyone when we do.
post #29 of 35
Thread Starter 
oops, i just wanted to make a public apology, i surely didn't intend to violate the rules by making a stink about where this thread got posted.

apologies to Cynthia for jumping the gun and not waiting for a decision.

I guess I just wanted to get the message out there since I got the guts up to share it. I could definately see the point about posting to TAO and PPD.


post #30 of 35
Thread Starter 
Ok, so what was that all about? well, I'm still working on some new boundary issues. I'm definately not the same person I was before the birth and the psychosis. I've been bugging Cynthia about a number of things since I got out of the hospital. She's just gracious enough to take it in stride.
post #31 of 35
Thread Starter 
Hey, Chrissy, that's interesting!

So, not only was I psychotic, I had OCD - and I did, too, it was obvious about a number of things. I mean, I was nesting up a wazoo. It's a good thing my birth injuries weren't chronic or something, I could have hurt myself permanently.

One thing I did do was go into 'spa mode'. I took long hot showers, used a lot of fancy skin creams and drank a ton of water and tea. I was manic, but I would move very slowly, sometimes not at all, to try to keep some kind of even keel. I would do things and take as long as it takes, not rushing, getting everything done methodically. I had rhythms and rituals for everything. I made every repetative task into a routine. I got very domestic about my hospital room. It looked like a studio apartment, very homey.

all the routine and spa treatments helped and I felt better, too. The air in the hospital was so dry my sinuses were dry and bloody, but my skin was so soft

when i got out of the hospital, the lack of routine was disturbing, but i managed.

last night i found all my notes and put them together. i was quite hte prolific note taker; i invented things, i came up with multiple business plans, i redecorated my house (on paper). This was a result of my mania, I'm a planner and a visionary. Some of the ideas I came up with I'm going to put into place, but there's so much stuff I have to slow down and take the time for Joe.
post #32 of 35
I had never thought of it that way, thanks for bringing that up. It was really disturbing for me. I see it mildly come and go on me now, but not no where near what it was like when after Donovan was born. Now at least I don't worry about the door until nighttime, and can prepare veggies with out going haywire. I wonder if it was tied into the anxiety thing, as I'm not having much trouble with anxiety at all this time around, thankfully! Except for riding in the car, I have to watch myself. Car rides used to be my BIGGEST trigger. That was the worst irony - I hated being cooped up all day but then dreaded having to go anywhere.

MHM, I had forgot to mention that I checked out that link you posted, oh probably last week. I was surprised to see skin problems at the end of the list. I hadn't even tied that in with me...right now I am going through a horrible bought of excema on my hand, and it refuses to heal.
post #33 of 35
Thread Starter 
so, to add a bit of mysticism to the whole thing. birthing is pretty spiritual, and they say that the gates of heaven are open for 40 days after birth. and during psychosis you generally loose touch with reality. if you consider these things, and the anxiety of being a new mom and all the crud we've got to deal with - all the head trips and things we're supposed to do, if we just chuck all that crap and focus on the task at hand; getting in tune with the new baby, i think those other things, ODC and visions of harm, won't be such a problem.

i have a doula and my mom around. they're doing my laundry and my dishes and feeding me. this has probably been one of the best things for me to focus on Joe and not the other stuff in my life that really can take a back seat. i was considering this stuff to be helpful to me recovering from psychosis, but thining aobut it, it's probably what i needed as a new mom.

i was also lamenting that breastfeeding wasn't instinctual, but now i believe it is intuitive. if you can get the other racing thoughts out of your head and just focus on what the baby seems to be doing, what he likes, and how he best works, his rhythms if you will, your intuition will tell you how to take care of him. and i think this is what is ment by the gates of heaven - your intuition is turned up, but if you aren't focusing it, it goes awry and you get all these weird images going on.

things are finally starting to align with me. i'm way more intuitive about Joe and less intimidated about taking care of him. heck, i'm planning a long distance trip with my mom and the baby and i can't imagine that would have been advisable in my previous state.

hm, perhaps after the psychosis I did have PPD, afterall. and I'm coming out of it. interesting


post #34 of 35
Originally posted by JesseMomme
MHM I first saw this in TAO but now get a chance to sit down and type, finally. I wanted to thank you for sharing your story, really. One thing I wanted to point out that really touched base with me
After I had D, I was the same way. I hated looking at anything sharp and I didnt know why. I dreaded having to prepare food and wash the dishes. I never envisioned myself doing something terrible, but that I would have an accident and something terrible would happen with it. It's like a horror movie going over and over in your head and you can't hit stop. These awful flashes also coincided with the extreme anxiety, keeping my door locked all the time, being afraid someone would come hurt us, it's like one half of my brain coudlnt' rationalize with the other.
Ah have to go, take care and more
Jesse & Lori,
I felt the same way and still do to a degree. It's like when you are standing on the edge of a high cliff and you are afriad to get too close in case you would fall off, but you find yourself moving closer and getting more and more anxious about it. Sometimes I hold M too tight so I won't accidentally drop her. It's a rotten feeling. OCD, I had never thought of that, but it does make sense. I think having kids offends my sense of order (since my house is always in dis-order), but I dwell on it. Hmmmm....
post #35 of 35
Thanks for posting your story. I agree that PPD and PPP are barely discussed in our society and we need to get this inof out more...

Normal people just like us and who ARE us get these mental problems and we can defeat them!
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