Discipline help needed for 2.5 yr old son...

[angelrose]

Ok~ We used to be a spanking family, but vowed to never spank again... I need some ideas for a few problems we are having with our 3 oldest children


1) When going to change my ds's diaper, he throws a fit and will kick at us and squirm like crazy until it is impossible to get a dipe on or off of him... he is not potty trained yet as he is not ready, although I willingly offer and encourage him to use the potty if he wants too, things I have tried to do in dealing with the fits at changing time are: giving advanced warning of upcoming change, offering a really neat toy or something to play with during change, sing songs, etc, gently reminding him not to kick, offering him the choice of what dipe to wear, or wear undies instead...but none of this is working... so need some new ideas....

2) My 5.5 yr old daughter is talking back and argueing with us ... she will get herself all worked up into a fit, we have tried talking to her gently, reminding her of expected behavior, be respectful etc...help!

3) My 4 yr old ds is having difficulties with his anger, hitting his younger brother, screaming at him when the 2 yr old tries to take a toy..he is not very tolerant of the toddler mischief, we have done the gentle hands, no hitting thing, time-outs, gentle talking etc....any new ideas, we are new to the GP mode


We started out as a non-spanking family with our first child, but wavered on it due to family pressures from old school thinking,spank her and the problem will be solved thing...but after spanking , things are not solved and we did not like the way our family was going.... so we re-commited ourselves to our original plan and now are trying to un-do alot of the problems that came FROM us spanking...we have some frustrated children

We used to spank the so -called "correct" way, and it seems to have caused our children to dis-connect from us ....we always did alot of attatchment parenting, so we are very unhappy with this! We are doing alot of re-connecting things with the kids, and need some advice on the specific issues above, Thank you.


Kellina~

[Alexander]

Re: Discipline help needed for 2.5 yr old son and others...

Originally posted by angelrose
Ok~ We used to be a spanking family, but vowed to never spank again... I need some ideas for a few problems we are having with our 3 oldest children

Fantastic lady! Well done. But you'll have to be strong inside. There will be the latent effect of the previous way of doing things for a long time to come, but it can be un-done.

How many children altogether?

Originally posted by angelrose


1) When going to change my ds's diaper, he throws a fit and will kick at us and squirm like crazy until it is impossible to get a dipe on or off of him... he is not potty trained yet as he is not ready, although I willingly offer and encourage him to use the potty if he wants too, things I have tried to do in dealing with the fits at changing time are: giving advanced warning of upcoming change, offering a really neat toy or something to play with during change, sing songs, etc, gently reminding him not to kick, offering him the choice of what dipe to wear, or wear undies instead...but none of this is working... so need some new ideas....

Have you tried letting him stand while you change him. An upturned box at his tummy level with play dough or flour and water mix to occupy him while you remove and wipe can sometimes do the trick.

Your 5.5 yo daughter that talks back.

Generally this is a good thing for them to be doing. Flame all you want but it is used by children to protect their space and to prevent what they perceive as an injustice be committed against them. More info is needed here really, but it could be a good sign for you to re-evaluate if you are being reasonable.

Your 4 yo is the toughest one. If you have been a spanking family, then his total lifetimes experience is not only of that on hiself, but all that he has witnessed on others. This will take Herculean effort on you and your DH's part, but it can be done. And it is worth it. There are so many things that can be done. Check out the archives. I recently posted some stuff. Go to my profile and push "seach posts by this user".

Hope this helps for starters.

a

[mamaduck]

That thing that struck me while reading your post is that each of your children is showing very normal, age-appropriate behavior. I'm not saying its easy, just that you don't need to feel guilty about it. And also, I think you can remind yourself that "this too will pass" in each case.

Here are some ideas, based on what I've done -- maybe it will help:

1) My 2.5 yr. old is doing the SAME thing about diaper changes. I think he is close to being ready for potty training, but he isn't quite there yet. But he is becoming uncomfortable about having us do his diapers, and this is how he shows it. I've been letting him go longer between diaper changes. When he asks for a snack, or to nurse, or to go outside to play, I will say, "Okay. Lets get your diaper changed first, and then we'll go outside to play." He might say "no" at first, but if I am insistant that "Lets get it done so that we can go play..." or eat a snack... or whatever, then he usually catches on and lays down for me.

I'm not exactly bribing him, thought maybe sort of I am. Heh. Really, I think I'm helping him to understand that putting off a hard thing sometimes prevents us from enjoying fun things. I think that is a real meaningful lesson.

2) My 6.5 year old "talks back" too. I think its fine. I honestly do. I think it important for him to learn to argue respectfully, and to have a chance to let me know how he feels about things. I *do* address rudeness -- I will say, "Its okay to tell me your feelings, but you need to speak politely to me..." I find that as long as he has the opportunity to get his 2 cents in, he is willing to at least work on doing it politely.

3) My son went through a very angry phase when he was 4. I think that it was an overwhelming time for him -- developmentally, he was conscious of very strong feelings in a new way, and he didn't know what to do with those feelings. We got into the habit of consistantly sitting with him when he was angry, and doing a couple things. First, we tried hard to help him put words to his feelings. We told him it was okay to say, "I'm angry!" But we also said, "It is not okay to hit." We reminded him that saying how you feel might help us to understand the problem, but that hitting people never helps solve the problem. The second thing we worked on was talking through possible ways that he could solve problems when he got that angry. And we practised/role played those solutions for the "next time."

I hope that helps a little. Three kids under 6 cannot be easy! I admire you, and I'm impressed with your resolution to discipline gently! Hooray!

[Alexander]

Originally posted by mamaduck


2) My 6.5 year old "talks back" too. I think its fine. I honestly do. I think it important for him to learn to argue respectfully, and to have a chance to let me know how he feels about things. I *do* address rudeness -- I will say, "Its okay to tell me your feelings, but you need to speak politely to me..." I find that as long as he has the opportunity to get his 2 cents in, he is willing to at least work on doing it politely.

Hi mamaduck.

In view of your other post, this little nugget makes sense. Not meaning to either lable or excuse, but Aperger do tend to have great difficulty understanding what "rude" looks like.

Looking forward to seeing more on this.

a

[angelrose]

Some answers and update!~

Hi~ Thanks again for all your ideas! To answer some questions~ I have 4 children ages 5,4,2.5, and 5.5 months old. :-) Yes, I get very busy and we have alot of happy chaos in our home! We love it! We also foster for the Humane Society so we have several animals coming thru our house too..lol!

I tried the suggestions with my 2.5 yr old son and we are doing MUCH better with diaper changes...THANKS!!


My 4 yr old son did awesome today with keeping himself calm and not hitting, we helped him understand his feelings, and also explained to him that mommy and daddy used to "spank" and that we feel that it was wrong to do that and that no one in our family will be allowed to hit/spank etc another person anymore..and that we need his help to teach his younger siblings how not to hit etc, so that means he has to not hit etc so they will understand, obviously this clicked in his head beause he took his role very seriously and just did SO good yesterday and today!

My 5 yr old dd is improving with talking back to us~ We changed our views to allow her to talk to us as long as she is respectful in the way she does it, I think it really helped her to know that she had a way to communicate, but had to be kind with her tone and words....we have always encouraged our kids to express their feelings, but sometimes I feel we hindered them by not allowing them to disagree with something we have said...now they know we allow them to express their opinions as long as it is done with kindness and respect , but they also understand that it won't necesarily change our decisions about it, but sometimes it might. My dd told me "thanks mommy for listening to my heart today"

That touched me so deeply!! Thanks for the great advice ladies!!!


We have such a happy home~ I wish you all could be here!!


Blessings~ Kellina!

[mamaduck]

angelrose!!! What an awesome post!!

[sparklemom]

acknowledging the emotions and feelings behind a behavior (rather than reacting to the actual behavior itself which is usually your first instinct) works almost like magic with my 21/2 yr old and 4 yr old. it's certainly much more productive, like getting to the root of an issue rather than just the "leaves."

siblings without rivalry is an EXCELLENT book that anyone with more than one child should read.

take care- alecia
ps WAY TO GO on not spanking!!!!!!!!