Having An Only Child--On Purpose!!

[devster4fun]

I'm new to this board and really like it so far. I'm learning SO much I never knew!! We're first-time parents, who waited 10 years before having our first (and only planned) baby. We always planned to have just one for many, personal reasons.

I tried to search for this issue, but it did not pull any threads I could find. I'm probably not searching correctly.

The issue we're dealing with is the amazing amount of "advice" we're getting on this issue. Most folks think we've lost our minds to only want one child. A few have actually said we're harming our child and "robbing" her of the sibling experience.

FYI...I'm an only child...well-adjusted (IMO: ), successful, happy.

I'm also interested in information on raising an only child, as there are special issues that come up. Certainly, there are advantages and disadvantages to all decisions.

Thanks so much

[WuWei]

Check out this link. There are several threads in Finding Your Tribe about having only children. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...archid=3935688

Pat

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

The issue we're dealing with is the amazing amount of "advice" we're getting on this issue. Most folks think we've lost our minds to only want one child. A few have actually said we're harming our child and "robbing" her of the sibling experience.

: welcome to the board. I think that no matter how many kids or what sort of spacing one chooses, people will say funky things. I have 2 closely spaced kids (because that's what we wanted) and people said strange things to me. Moms of lots of kids get comments too. One of my friends who had two kids close together, and another 10 years later, kept getting asked if her baby was an accident! People can be really rude!

My advice is to not discuss it. When some one tries to give you advice, say something like "I can see how you could feel that way. None the less, this is what we've decided to do" and then change the subject. You really don't need any one's approval.

[phathui5]

Well, it's (obviously) not something that I would choose to do. I am happy having a larger family. I had one brother growing up. My dh was an only child and hated it. He is a sucessful, well-adjusted adult... who wishes he had siblings. There are drawbacks to being an only child, just like in any situation. The one we're facing is that as his mom gets older, we're the only ones available to help her.

[Sharlla]

Well we planned on only having one child, we really meant it and for 6 years that is all we planned. I have heard all the arguments and everyone said that we would change our mind. Man I hated hearing that, they would presume to know what we would do. We obviously changed out mind, but I'm glad that it worked out the way that it did. I think the age difference between the boys is perfect.

[aMothersLove]

I sent you a private message because I have a question

[devster4fun]

Thanks for the replies...I could not get the link to work though. I will search again now that I know the info is there.

I do agree with the challenges of an only child, especially as an adult. My father passed away 2 years ago and it was quite difficult shouldering all of the responsibility. But then again, that is what I'm used to.

People always ask me, "didn't you miss having brothers and sisters?"

Well, it's hard to "miss" something you don't and never have had. And, no! I reveled in having all the attention! Ok, ok yes...my DH still calls me a princess and I do not like to share!!

[theatermom]

Dh and I wanted more than one child, but I wanted to say that I have a younger brother, and I always wanted more siblings (my parents divorced when my brother was a baby, and my mom had serious birth complications, so that was never an option). My point is that, while it's good to take their feelings or potential feelings into account, the decision to have more children rests solely with the responsible parties -- usually the parents. My oldest son would love it if we had one or two more, but it's not his decision. My Dh always tells him that he can have as many children as he wants when he's an adult (assuming he finds a willing partner! ).

As for comments, it drives me insane how much everyone has an opinion on everything a person does. I used to think that only people who choose to not have children escape this, but, of course, that's not true -- they get hassled mercilessly about their choice, too. So, in the end, a simple "We're quite happy", repeated as many times as necessary, or a "Thank you for your concern" seems to stop all but the most persistent hagglers on any subject.

[NYCVeg]

Our dd will also very likely be an only by choice. I know many onlies who were/are very happy with their only status. Of course, there are others who weren't/aren't. But the same goes for siblings. Having a child is always unpredictable--there's no guarantee that siblings will be close as children (they might fight all the time and resent each other) and no guarantee that they will be close as adults.

I have 4 siblings--one is completely estranged from my whole family; one lives far away and isn't very family-oriented, so that we talk just a few times a year; and the other two, well, we get along reasonably well, but they're not really my support system, IYKWIM. And I come from a reasonably normal, comfortable family--I mean, we have our minor issues like everyone else, but there were no "big issues" responsible for the fact that, as adults, my siblings and I just don't mesh very well. My point is: my mom thought it was really important to have a lot of kids so that we'd all have each other...but, in reality, we generally look to other places for friendship, support and advice.

I think it's very easy to over-idealize sibling relationships. That doesn't mean that I think it's a BAD idea to have more than one--I think everyone should have exactly as many kids as they want, whether that's zero or 8--or that siblings can't be great for many families--I just don't buy the "well, he/she NEEDS a sibling" argument.

[Getz]

Having two kids doesn't guarantee that they will get along, in childhood or adulthood.

If having one child works for your family then don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.

I do have one friend who is an only child and she is the poster child for the only-child stereo-type. She cannot share or compromise at all. Everything is her way or she throws a fit. Not that every only child grows up to be like that, but I do tease her a bit because of it.

[devster4fun]

I do try hard to ignore everyone's comments and ideas. I actually don't bring it up directly, but they figure it out when I talk about selling all of our baby stuff on Ebay. THEN, they're like...WHAT???

I guess my parents went overboard so I would not be a typical only child. They were constantly reminding me to be sure others were happy, share, be thankful for what I had etc...So, I think it is very possible to get around that issue.

It's so amazing to be in charge of another human's growth and development! This board has opened my eyes to so many things I've literally NEVER heard of!

[newmommy]

Welcome!

We have an Only Child By Choice and DH and I are firm and happy with our decision.

DH is the oldest of 5 Siblings and they are all very close...still didn't impact his desire for 1 kid though....

I had a bit of both worlds- I was an Only Child until the Age 9, it was the happiest of my childhood....Mom remarried to my Stepfather who had 5 kids and my "peaceful" world shattered

They are still married today but I have no relationship with my StepSiblings. Still didn't impact my decision though...I just truly have no desire for any more kids.

The only person in our family who is upset/angry that DH and I have an Only by choice is my 52 year old Aunt-In-Law:

She feels every woman should have at least 4 kids...that's exactly what she said. She cannot stand Only Children no matter what their personalities are.

I've noticed her obvious resentment spilling over her treatment to DS. She confuses his "age appropriate behavior for a 3 year old" with "he is spoiled, he wants all the attention on himself".

I have cut off family visits with this particular AIL. I mean really...what's the point, she has no interest in a relationship with DS simply because of his Only Child status.

I have noticed that as DS gets older, people have pretty much stopped asking DH and I when are we trying for another.

We have friends who keep asking as if they think we have changed our minds or something since the last visit

I will answer anyone who asks when we are "trying for another?" with a firm "we're not" in a tone that suggests end of discussion and just stare at them point blank.

[karlin]

Welcome!

We have an only child by choice too. I've gotten a lot of comments and "advice" too. DS is nearly 3.5, and things are just starting to get easier. I'm so excited about his growing up and learning each new stage.

[onlyzombiecat]

Dd will be 7 in March. We are not planning to have any more children.
I think when dd was younger people made more comments. It kind of stopped until dd was school age and we started homeschooling. That really horrified people on multiple levels.

One thing I've noticed is that as friends went on to have more kids they withdrew from us a bit.

Dh and I both have siblings. My perspective on siblings is that they can be great but there are no guarantees. Neither of us have close relationships to our siblings as adults. When we've had troubles other people have been there for us, not them. I live the farthest away from my parents but am closest to them. If something happened with them I'm sure I'd get little help from my siblings.
I guess I'd like to show my dd that you don't have to be related biologically to people to have a network of support and love. I've known onlies who have relationships with friends and parents that are so much closer than many siblings achieve.

I guess I also feel that I am not responsible for fixing dd's life/relationships for her. I will parent her to the best of my ability and help her develop the skills to get through life. She just kind of has to deal with it from there.

I feel that my right as a person to decide if I want to birth and raise more children is not something that comes from dd being an only child or one of four siblings. The only valid reasons for me to have another child is because dh and I want another and feel we have more to give.

We are happy with our family size. I love that dd is getting older.

[phathui5]

One thing I've noticed is that as friends went on to have more kids they withdrew from us a bit.

The only explantion I can think of for that is when you have multiple children, it's more fun for the kids to hang out with other families that have kids of similar ages. My kids love to have out with the one boy who lives next door, but it's not as enjoyable for them as say, one of the families we're friends with that has the same number (or more) kids with similar ages.

[WuWei]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

Thanks for the replies...I could not get the link to work though. I will search again now that I know the info is there.

It wouldn't work for me today either. I had done a "search" in Finding Your Tribe on "onlies" and found several long threads. Maybe the search times out. Here are several:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ghlight=onlies
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ghlight=onlies
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ghlight=onlies
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ghlight=onlies

Pat

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by phathui5

The only explantion I can think of for that is when you have multiple children, it's more fun for the kids to hang out with other families that have kids of similar ages. My kids love to have out with the one boy who lives next door, but it's not as enjoyable for them as say, one of the families we're friends with that has the same number (or more) kids with similar ages.

I don't think the kids playing together really entered into it so much since the kids weren't the reason for our friendship and we don't live super close. In this case, I was friends with the adults before anyone had children. My guess is that my dd got older and we didn't have more but they are still all in the baby mode with new children. I'm sure they just gravitated toward other moms with babies.
I guess we are both saying that friendships can change when one family stops with one child and another family has multiple children.

[LuxPerpetua]

I'm a well-adjusted only child myself and am considering just letting our dd be an only child. Dh and I talk about this constantly. His response to me the other day was, "Ask yourself, do I want another child right now. If the answer is no, then let it go. Ask yourself that same question at another time. If the answer ever changes, then we can work on making it happen. If the answer is always "no" then that's fine, too." Only children can be great. Siblings can be great. It just really depends on what works with your family. And ultimately, it's no one else's business. I don't know why everyone feels the need to comment on something so personal. That irks me too!

[hookahgirl]

We have an only by choice!
Whoot!! Just tell the people you think that having more than one child really takes away from the whole process. JUST KIDDING!! but really, people can be soooo rude!
I dont think that people really understand it is just as rude to say something about a person only haveing one child than it is to say something to someone who has 5 kids.

I tell them its 'cause I was DD to grow up to be a pretty pretty princess. I like the looks I get when I say that. Then I ask for some money, 'cause if it bothers them SO bad that we are only having one, then I will have another, but they have to pay for it I say it all joking, but sometimes I really want to be rude!

[snowyowl]

I'm a mom of an only. After I had my daughter, I had no desire to have another baby. We heard all the arguments -- she "deserves" a sibling, she'll grow up selfish, don't you want another one just like her (like I would be cloning her or something), etc. -- but none of that mattered. We knew our family was complete with just the three of us.

She's 9 now and we've talked about how she feels about being an only child. While she acknowledges that she doesn't know what it's like to have siblings, she says she wouldn't change anything about her life. She's perfectly content to be an only and is relieved that that is never going to change.