grieving

[Lucy]

I really didn't know how to tiltle this thread. I was reading the other ones, and it got me thinking. My father took his own life last year,and I am still so heartbroken. I really loved him, yet I feel like when he needed his family the most, we ultimately failed him.

Yesterday I went to the cemetary and I just cried and told him how sorry I am.

I know so many of you are going through this, and worse. I guess I just wanted to "speak" to you all, bc I feel like my dh just wants me to move on. He gets me upset when I cry about my dad. He tells me I should just let him rest in peace. Btw, I only usually cry at night, after dd is in bed, and I'm just worn out from the day, then I can finally let it out. I just know dh doesn't understand. I tell him just pray you don't walk in your parents house one day and find this nightmare.

I am sorry to ramble like this, I just knew you all would understand.

[lisamarie]

I'm So Sorry

Lucy:

I'm so glad that you feel comfortable sharing your story with us. It has been almost two years since my former dh took his life and my ds and I still attend a family grief and loss group. Everyone grieves differently and it takes everyone a different length of time of grieve.

I found my dh too after he had died. I sought additional counseling, with a treatment called E.M.D.R. because I suffered from nightmares and flashbacks as well. It truly gave me my life back. I know that I used to cry alot too when I was alone, especially when I was in the car by myself after I would drop off my ds at school. I know that it's been hard for my family and friends to see me grieve. They feel powerless because they cannot make it better.

There are SOS Groups (Suvivors of Suicide) across the country. I'm sure they have a website. They are a support group that might be helpful. There are some other really good books available that specifically address suicide.

Please be gentle with yourself and I'm glad that you know that you are not alone.

Warmth & Hugs-

Lisa

[Lucy]

Lisa, thank you so much for you caring words. I am so sorry for your loss. It is wonderful to be able to share hear, and to know one is not alone.

I think I will look into a support group. I never did that, though I don't really know why, just a little afraid I guess. I'm going to look online for a local group tonight. SOS sounds good.

I am so happy this forum is here. It feels so nice to talk about it. Thanks again.

Lucy

[Ms. Mom]

Lucy,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My father too, took his last year, so I feel close to your situation. Please know that there is nothing you could hade done for him. He had demons that were too strong for you to battle.

How old is your dd? Don't feel you can't cry in front of her. I cry in front of my kids when I need to. Let her know that "mommy is still sad and needs to cry sometimes" Let her know that your ok, you still lover her and that everything will be ok, you just need to feel and be sad sometimes.

I wish you gentleness,

[Lucy]

Ms. Mom, thanks for your reply. I am so sorry we share such a tragedy. It does help to know you have gone through the same emotional rollercoaster.

For the past few months or so, my dd gets extremely upset whenever I frown, let alone cry. She is very, very keyed in to my emotional state, and my physical state. If I so much as cough, she is by my side asking if I am ok? It seems sweet, but she really worries about me, she is only four. I think the reason for all this is, is that she had many experiences with death all at once. My dad died, then our dog of 16 years, then we got a new puppy, and two months later it died, then I had a miscarraige! This was all in a 5 month period. I think the poor thing is afraid something will happen to me or dh.

I think we will all be okay, just need some time to heal.

Thanks again.

[lisamarie]

My ds was 3 when his dad died and he had multiple losses as well. We moved, gave our cat away and we no longer see my former in-laws. It is still hard for him sometimes in dealing with all these losses in such a short time frame. My ds was very concerned about when I cried too. The look in his face would just break my heart. I told him that he could help me by bringing me tissues. He now always brings me one of his blankies to make me feel better. Then we just sit and hug and comfort each other.

There was a really good Mothering Article this past year about Children and Grief. There is a really good book out there too called "Guiding Your Child Through Grief". It addresses many issues in dealing with loss and I have found it very helpful.

[moondancer]

Lucy--so sorry about your dad. There is no time frame for someone's grief so those who want you to move on will just have to wait until you're good and ready.

It's been nine years since my sister died (cancer--the same kind I have) and I still grieve her at times. In fact I went to an herbalist and sat in her office grabbing my belly and told her that I wanted to get rid of the excess that I was holding onto and that I thought it had to do with me grieving my sister. I was literally carrying my grief in the form of a blubby belly. (or so I thought) But actually beneath that blub was a cancerous tumor. My grief had tumorized. So give yourself permission to grieve without shame until you get it out and don't stuff it down somewhere in the dark recesses of your emotions to grow into cancerous tumors.

I really am sorry about your dad though. I think my father is killing himself slowly with food. I hope I won't be posting some thread later on about my dad dying.

peace, moondancer

[noodlesmom]

I must say, being a brand new member here, I am so grateful a forum like this exists. My stepmother took her life just over two years ago and my brother is still extremely angry and full of emotion. Unfortunately, he's denied/delayed his grieving to some extent due to some excessive behavior and it's starting to take it's toll. I was the first person to join him at her home when she was found - I've no idea where I found the strength to be there for him and my aunt. With that, and to echo another reply to your post, please allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and talk to someone - someone you truly trust (including your dh). Although your dh may not fully understand the impact this has had on you, don't deny yourself the healing that comes with fully experiencing your emotions. Time heals but not on it's own. I doubt that your carrying on dramatically, so just be yourself - that's the only way you can get through. Your children will learn and benefit from your strength in not denying yourself these feelings. Your dh probably just doesn't get it and simply wants you to feel better. You will. Better days are coming. Take care.