HELP!- return of symptoms, bad

[mom0810]

Hi,

Well, I guess it's been about 4 weeks off of the Zoloft, and I am thinking I went off it waaaaay too soon.

In the past two weeks, I was convinced that I was going to give my baby botulism if I fed him baby food out of a jar, I was convinced that I had diptheria because I had a scratchy sore throat with white spots on my tonsils, and now I am SURE that I have hantavirus because I found some "evidence" of mice in our house (it's 20 below outside and we live in the country) and I had to clean up the little droppings.

So basically everything I do in my daily life is going to kill either me, or my family, as far as I am concerned.

Help! Is this return of symptoms due to going off of the meds, or do I need to take Zoloft again/still? My husband was commenting on how much happier I seemed on the meds, and at least I could sleep while I was taking them. I gained weight and had no sex drive, but at least I could function. I showered every day and took care of myself.

I'm really feeling lost. I have therapy today and will talk to my Dr. about all of this of course, but can anyone offer some experience here? This is just really scary, and I hate feeling like this. I am NOT suicidal, but sometimes death does sound like it would be a relief. There is no worry in heaven, after all... I have to say again that I would NEVER harm myself. Sometimes it just feels like it would be a relief to have a rest, which I do not get anymore.:

[mom0810]

Okay... anyone? :

I'm really needing some input or just someone to say it will get better.

[hunnybumm]

I haven't had experience with PPD but I did suffer from depression for most of my life until having my kids. Definitly talk to your counselor and get their prespective. Just from your post I would say you need to start taking something again. Maybe try a different medication. Talk to your doctor about the side effects of the Zoloft. Your thoughts are very negative and harmful/death orientated not saying you are suicidial or going to hurt your kids, since you were very firm that you were not, I believe you. But it seems that you are focusing on things that are irrational, that could possibly kill you/harm your family. I hope I am making sence.

Anyways, yes I think you need to go back on some sort of meds.

[mom0810]

Yes, I tend to agree with you. So does my therapist, so I am going back on the Zoloft tomorrow.

I feel like a HUGE failure because I need the meds. Has anyone had that feeling before? I feel like the biggest LOSER because I can't sort this out and STOP the irrational thinking on my own. What is wrong with me??? I hate myself for not being strong enough to fix it on my own, or with "natural" remedies. I am so against anything medical ever since my son was born. I HATE the doctors at the hospital, I HATE the nurses, I HATE the whole experience of his birth, which I have projected onto anything medical. I feel broken ever since they cut me open to take him out. I wish I could do over the whole experience.

I know I have PTSD in addition to OCD and depression, and that the meds will help me. They did before. I just got so angry at the doctors who prescribed them, and I wanted to feel like "myself" again. Well, if this is how "myself" feels, then I feel better taking the meds. At least then I could smile.

I didn't mean to sound so grim before, and I honestly have never thought of harming myself or others. I guess the feeling is more like I don't want to affect my son in a negative way. Like I am not worthy of being his mother because he is so special and perfect. I adore him and I just want to be the best mom I can for him. Which, it seems, includes taking meds. At least for the time being.

Thanks for responding. This is the hardest time in my life. Ever.

[kaydee]

First, g Clearly you're in a lot of pain about your situation, and I hope that the cloud lifts soon. There's sadness, about things like your c/s--and then there is depression, which is the voice that lies and tells you you are a bad parent, wife etc. Don't believe this! You know that when you are well, you do not feel this way--right?

Originally Posted by mom0810

I feel like a HUGE failure because I need the meds. Has anyone had that feeling before? I feel like the biggest LOSER because I can't sort this out and STOP the irrational thinking on my own. What is wrong with me??? I hate myself for not being strong enough to fix it on my own, or with "natural" remedies.
.

I feel really sad when I hear people say things like this--and I hear it a lot. Would you feel ashamed if you had another disease that required medication to manage? Would you think that a friend was weak if she was in your shoes?

I know that some disagree, but most people at this point recognize that depression, OCD, bipolar, etc. are physical diseases. Sometimes people can get sufficient symptom relief from therapy, yoga, meditation, diet, supplements, etc.--but often, they can't. (BTW wouldn't herbal medicine still be medicine?)

This is not something to be ashamed about! Sad, yes. Angry, sure. But there is no place for shame in this equation.

$0.02 from someone who has gone on and off meds nearly a dozen times, and who eventually accepted that she needed to stay on them, side effects and all, to be a good and healthy person leading a functional life. YMMV.

[mom0810]

Kaydee, thanks.

It's funny because I take daily asthma meds that I don't feel bad about at all. Not while I was pregnant, and not now. Even though one of them (Advair) is a class C... I think. Zoloft is safer at class B. But because I need the Advair to feel normal and to breathe, I feel it's fine. I know I need to look at Zoloft the same way.

I guess it's just that I am guilty of feeling some of the "stigma" of taking meds. Even though I need them. I feel like I should be able to do it on my own. But I obviously can't. Part of that is probably my depression, telling me I am not good enough.

I am terrified of gaining weight.. my weight has been a huge issue all of my life and I have been anorexic at 98 lbs, and obese at nearly 300 during my pregnancy. I have lost nearly 100 lbs this year just by breastfeeding and eating right, and the thought of gaining more weight just makes me feel awful.

BUT, it's better than feeling like this, and having my son see me like this. He's getting old enough now to understand when mommy's sad, and that is just not something I want him to see every day.

Thanks for coming forward and helping me. I really have needed it lately.