when you became a mom, how did your friendships with non-mom friends change? - Page 2

[jadegirl553]

I've noticed that many of you have said something like "I just don't have anything to talk to them about because they're not moms or married."

Would anyone care to elaborate on this? I just don't really understand. When I'm with friends- married or not, moms or not- we talk about their lives, my life, books we've read, places we've eaten, things we've seen on TV, what's going on with other friends (not gossipy, just newsy), etc...

Thanks for your insights!

[KnittingShaker]

Originally Posted by jadegirl553

I've noticed that many of you have said something like "I just don't have anything to talk to them about because they're not moms or married."

Would anyone care to elaborate on this? I just don't really understand. When I'm with friends- married or not, moms or not- we talk about their lives, my life, books we've read, places we've eaten, things we've seen on TV, what's going on with other friends (not gossipy, just newsy), etc...

Thanks for your insights!

:

[DoomaYula]

Originally Posted by jadegirl553

I've noticed that many of you have said something like "I just don't have anything to talk to them about because they're not moms or married."

Would anyone care to elaborate on this? I just don't really understand. When I'm with friends- married or not, moms or not- we talk about their lives, my life, books we've read, places we've eaten, things we've seen on TV, what's going on with other friends (not gossipy, just newsy), etc...

Thanks for your insights!

Okay here's an example. My best friend who I've known since I was 18, and me. She's a career professional with a master's degree (we met in college), loves to go see bands on the weekends, dates like crazy, etc. So although I talk to her about her career and I was so proud of her when she got her Master's, I really know nothing about it, so the convos are pretty one-sided.

Same with the dating thing -- it's been a while since I've dated, and I never dated past college, never really went to a party or bar to meet guys, ya know? I have a reference from "Sex and the City" but not much! She tends to date guys who "just aren't that into her" and string her along and break her heart, but I don't want to jump in too much because she refers to some of her married friends as "smug-marrieds" (from Bridget Jones) and I don't want to come off as smug. Yes I am married.

I always thought she loved kids, and she does LIKE them, but when she visited me (we live on other sides of the country now) she thought my parenting of my 3 kids was "weird" -- lax in some ways and too strict in others. She also thought I was a terrible housekeeper because I let the dog on our bed. (Whatever!) She has a teenaged cousin who lives here and when she came to visit, she went out to bars with him (in Mexico) every night and slept in during the day. It was not a great visit.

Also, she does not have a computer, is not interested in the 'net, and doesn't watch much TV or see many movies. We do talk about books we've both read, and politics and general news of the world.

So a lot of our convos are pretty one-sided. She talks about her latest guy she's dating. I talk about the kids. She talks about her job. I talk about my doula clients. Sometimes I don't feel like we actually ENGAGE with each other in convos.

I would consider her my best friend because she's known me for 10 years and has stuck by me through everything -- although I may be portraying her as kind of shallow, she is a kind loving person -- and knows my whole family, knows my history, and I don't have any sibs, so it's nice to have someone who knew me in my life before marriage and kids!

That was long, but I hope it helped!

[jadegirl553]

That totally makes sense, YumaDoula. And I very much understand your point of having someone around who knows your history- it's comforting!

I guess, though, that I would categorize that as a situation with one particular, difficult friend. I've got people in my life like that, too. It seems that a lot of other mamas are saying that they can't be friends with most non-marrieds and non-moms, and only seek out friends that are moms/married.

[EnviroBecca]

I guess, though, that I would categorize that as a situation with one particular, difficult friend. I've got people in my life like that, too. It seems that a lot of other mamas are saying that they can't be friends with most non-marrieds and non-moms, and only seek out friends that are moms/married.

There are people who are SO different that they don't make good friends, but I think sometimes there's a tendency to put all the blame for that on just ONE of the differences and therefore avoid people who are different in that one way but actually might have a lot of other things in common.

OTOH, I have known people who changed a LOT when they got married or became parents. In some cases, it was because the change (usually, sudden parenthood at an earlier age than planned) startled them and caused them to re-evaluate their lives and decide to "clean up" and live differently. In other cases, it was because they held a strict stereotype about how a wife/husband/mother/father acts, so when they took on that role themselves, they felt they had to fit that stereotype. A change like that can improve a person...or it can turn her into someone you barely recognize, who may be a "better" person on her own terms but isn't someone you want to have as a friend anymore. Also, sometimes people who change like that want to change all their friends who don't "fit" with the new persona.

I'm happily unmarried, and I have a lot of objections to the whole concept of marriage and basically think it's a pretty bad idea...BUT I respect people's right to decide what lifestyle is best for them, so when my friends decide to get married I don't snub them, try to talk them out of it (except for the one who got engaged at age 16), or even make comments like, "Better you than me!" I feel kind of sad and annoyed inside, but I make a conscious effort not to let their being married influence my perception of them as friends.

Similarly, just because I am a parent and enjoy being a parent doesn't mean it's something everyone should do. I get really excited when my friends have kids, and I do have a feeling of sort of "welcoming them to the parent club," but I don't feel like my childless friends are less worthy people. I've sought out moms when looking for NEW friends because this is a new dimension of my life and it's fun to have people to share it with...but I also continue with activities I did pre-motherhood that sometimes bring me new friends.