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I feel so betrayed...Update post 68 - Page 2

post #21 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
yes, I would be fine with DH keeping a suitcase of clothes in his car in case he has to move out in a hurry. If it's important to him to feel that he can, then he might as well do it.
I'm sorry; I just really can't fathom this way of thinking. To me, the marriage would already be over if my DH was this sure he needed to prepare.

Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Do you think it's a bad idea for a spouse to have money that only he/she can access?
I don't want to say I think this is a bad idea for everyone, but I personally wouldn't feel like my DH and I were partners or truly married if we had our own separate finances that the other had no part of. Our house, our bills, our finances, everything is about the two of us working together as partners, and it's hard for me to imagine it any other way, at least for us.
post #22 of 78
If he has no access to it, he shouldn't have access to a receipt about it, either.

And even if he made a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell you, his first loyalty is to YOU, not his parents.

Quote:
I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.
The "dependent" spouse should have some kind of safety net. I didn't used to. My marriage wasn't horrible, but it was tense. If it had gotten any worse, I could have easily ended up in the shelter, fighting to keep my child and get some kind of aid to live on. OTOH, DH could have walked out at any time and had a paycheck coming the next Friday. He couldn't afford to live it up or anything, but he'd be fine.
post #23 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.CEH3 View Post
> in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me. I would be very upset.

Precisely, and if this is the case I think you are justifiably upset. In my estimation there shouldn't be this level of secrecy. If his parents asked him to keep the account a secret from you, as your husband he had an obligation to decline.

What if they insisted? How can you refuse money like that? All they would need is his ss#, which I'm sure they have, to open a bank account in his name. How many parents and grandparents have done that? I know my dh's grandmother has done it for him and my boys.

What if he didn't tell her because he didn't want there to be a fight? Because he knew she wouldn't handle it well and would use it as ammunition to "prove" that they don't like her. What if it has nothing to do with her? My dh's grandmother has set up an account for him, in his name only with my boys as the beneficiaries. My name is no where on the account. And, he and I have been together for over 15 years. And, I know she likes me. It's got nothing to do with me. I know why she did it and I am fine with it. It's her money, she can do whatever she wants with it.

I feel the same about the in-laws in this scenario - it's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. It's not like the dh opened it himself for a rainy day. His parents did it for him.

I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.
post #24 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by daniedb View Post
If one is in an abusive situation, fine. Have a secret account. Do what you have to do in order to get out. But, in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me.
But any happy, functional marriage can go to pot rather quickly, sometimes before one can even see what's happening and make plans. Everyone who's financially dependent should have an alternative plan. Everyone.
post #25 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by paquerette View Post
But any happy, functional marriage can go to pot rather quickly, sometimes before one can even see what's happening and make plans. Everyone who's financially dependent should have an alternative plan. Everyone.
Even if you are not financially dependent, it can be expensive to leave. Security deposit, legal fees, daycare if you are not currently using daycare, relocation expenses.

If you have the means on hand, you are not forced to use them, but if you don't have them, it can make leaving a bad situation even more difficult. Having financed the escape of my sister and two of my friends, I am acutely aware of this.
post #26 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twocoolboys View Post
I I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.
Money is what we use to house ourselves and our children, to feed ourselves and our children and to power our dreams for the future (whether we're talking about a family vacation or a new home). If dh is hiding money from me, then he's basically saying that I'm not an equal partner, that my opinion on what kind of roof we have, what kind of food we eat and what our future should look like doesn't matter. If I found out that my in-laws gave dh money, and asked him not to tell me, I'd be beyond furious if he cooperated. How is it okay for a third party to dictate what he shares with his wife? We're supposed to be partners, and if my spouse doesn't want to be my partner, he can tell me that - not blame it on mommy and daddy. I'd be beyond angry if I were the OP.

As the financially dependent half of this partnership, I don't think it would be a bad idea to have an account that only I have access to - but I wouldn't keep it a secret. After my divorce, I was financially better off, as I'd been the "breadwinner", and my ex was a parasite. In his case, I'd have been furious if he'd been hiding money (actually - he did, and I was), because we were really struggling, and he wasn't using it to protect himself...he was using it to buy a daily coffee (or six) at the gas station and cigarettes and guitar strings.

Actually...I do have access to money that dh doesn't. Our savings are in my name, not joint. But, that was kind of an accident, and I always forget about it. I also have all my savings from before we were married, but dh knows about that, too.
post #27 of 78
I think it depends how much money that is to you guys. It's relative. Well, that's also the limit that one can gift per year w/o being taxed (at least it was a few years ago), but I don't know if that matters if it's a foreign acct.

Anyway, if 11K is a huge amt. of money, then I'd be pissed. If it's just a percent of what is already saved in the bank, then I wouldn't care so much.

If he truly doesn't understand why you're upset and this is all no big deal to him, then I don't think there is malice and I would have to understand that.
post #28 of 78
I haven't read the replies but I would be completely floored by such a betrayal. That is absolutely a breach of trust, and is exactly the same as lying in my book. I don't even know what I would do.

ETA: I just scrolled down and noticed that someone mentioned that they think that those of us who think it's a big deal have a deeper issue with money. Uh, no. The money isn't what would bother me, not in the slightest. I wouldn't care if it was $1.00. The fact that he set up a secret bank account with his parents and didn't tell me about it is what would make me so angry. Particularly if his taking the money included a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell me about it. That is beyond insulting and a huge betrayal.

I guess it's because my parentership with dh is based primarily on the fact that we are best friends and tell each other everything. Maybe others don't have that kind of relationship, so it wouldn't bother you. But it would absolutely bother me. I don't think it's okay for me to have a secret account either. Separate accounts, fine. But secret? No. Unless of course you are in a bad situation and are trying to leave, but then the relationship is already over anyhow so trust no longer really matters, you know?
post #29 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post

I guess it's because my parentership with dh is based primarily on the fact that we are best friends and tell each other everything. Maybe others don't have that kind of relationship, so it wouldn't bother you.
Umm, that's a leap - lol. Actually, it wouldn't bother me because I do trust my dh so much. If he didn't tell me, I'd think that he either a) just didn't think of it because he thinks it's no big deal. After all, it doesn't exist except on paper at this point. b) he was afraid of what my reaction would be - mostly that I would use it as "proof" that my in-laws didn't like me, which seems to be the case in the op. But, since I know my in-laws like me (we joke that they like me more than they like dh), and I would not react more than saying "really? wow, that was generous of them." then I know that wouldn't happen in our house.
post #30 of 78
I have no problems with spouses having a seperate account. If I ever get married I will have a seperate account where I can put a little "just in case" money. I would have a huge problem with someone keeping it a secret though. Big no-no in my book.

To the OP- why did he have that receipt? What did the receipt say?
post #31 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post
Separate accounts, fine. But secret? No.
I agree with this. I think it's just a smart thing for any dependant spouse to have a personal "stash". Especially in the case of a sahm, where not only are you dependant, but will also likely be responsible for the children in the case of a split. But it should be something that's out in the open.

Maybe I'm biased, but as a former single mom, I'll never leave myself without the means to take care of my kids - regardless of how stable I thought my relationship was with DP. I wouldn't lie about it, but I will always have something stashed in my name - if it turns into the kids' college fund years from now, then great, but it will at least be there if I need it as long as I have children at home.
post #32 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
To the OP- why did he have that receipt? What did the receipt say?
I really want to know that too. If he can't access the account, why did he have a receipt for it?
post #33 of 78
I'm probably the most vindictive person to respond - I wouldn't be angry, I'd just make a copy of the recepit and file it away in some known only to me spot in the event our relationship did go sour and I wanted to prove to the court that H has a pattern of hiding money.

Because I'm in charge of the finances, I'd be more worried about implications for me when it comes to things like taxes. We file joint returns, and there's a section where you're supposed to report any foreign income (like interest). Have your money in a separate account, fine, but don't put ME in a dangerous situation by filing false tax returns!

Giving the H the benefit of the doubt, could the in laws have just set it up and he forgot (for whatever reason) to tell you? This would be my DH. I'd confront him with the receipt, and he'd say, "didn't I tell you!? I know I did!" But this is a pattern with my dh. He tends to forget to tell me stuff. it's part of who he is.

I hope you come to some resolution that works for your relationship.
post #34 of 78
Thread Starter 
I didn't get back sooner b/c I was at work.

Quote:
why does he have a bank receipt?
It was like a stub. It wasn't like I get with the checking account. It said the name of the name bank, his name, the amount...and I think when it was deposited. There was another recipet type thing on his dresser that I found b/c now I am looking...that said, 494.00 (some change, too) and that was the interest it made over time and that may have had the date on it..one of them definetly did.



I do not need proof that his parents dislike me. He knows and I know it.
All my husband had to say was, "hey my parents set up this account for me, You know how they are. They wanted me to keep it a secret but OF COURSE I wont. ..and hey it's 11 thousand dollars."

11 thousand dollars is a ton of money to us..we barely have a savings. I don't even really care about the money. I care about being lied to AGAIN.

He definetly hs money issues but I don;t know why. He grew up privilidged and got everythign he wanted as far as stuff goes. (His parents are control freaks so his upbringing was far less than stellar)
I on the other hand grew up with little money but I can manage it. H can not..he overspends keeps applying for credit cards for the perks they give. He just has to have and have.
I was not considering divorce for those of you thought maybe this was a breaking point. IT is somehting we need move past...he really needs some counseling asnd we could use marriage as well but he refuses to go.

I just feel like I am being plotted against behind my back...and itreally sucks!
post #35 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twocoolboys View Post
What if they insisted? How can you refuse money like that? All they would need is his ss#, which I'm sure they have, to open a bank account in his name. How many parents and grandparents have done that? I know my dh's grandmother has done it for him and my boys.

What if he didn't tell her because he didn't want there to be a fight? Because he knew she wouldn't handle it well and would use it as ammunition to "prove" that they don't like her. What if it has nothing to do with her? My dh's grandmother has set up an account for him, in his name only with my boys as the beneficiaries. My name is no where on the account. And, he and I have been together for over 15 years. And, I know she likes me. It's got nothing to do with me. I know why she did it and I am fine with it. It's her money, she can do whatever she wants with it.

I feel the same about the in-laws in this scenario - it's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. It's not like the dh opened it himself for a rainy day. His parents did it for him.

I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.
From my original post, which you quoted, with added emphasis for clarity:

"In my estimation there shouldn't be this level of secrecy. If his parents asked him to keep the account a secret from you, as your husband he had an obligation to decline."

In other words, the issue is not that his parents gave him money. The issue is that they asked him to keep it a secret from his wife, and he agreed to it.

This is about trust, not about money per se. In order for a marriage to be strong and healthy and enduring, there must be trust, honesty, and openness.
post #36 of 78
Thread Starter 
Quote:
In other words, the issue is not that his parents gave him money. The issue is that they asked him to keep it a secret from his wife, and he agreed to it.
post #37 of 78
post #38 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have no tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.
Yeah, that makes no sense to me also.

I'd be beyond pissed, I'd be interviewing lawyers. $11k worth of lying by omission, surely there's more where that came from.
post #39 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post

ETA: I just scrolled down and noticed that someone mentioned that they think that those of us who think it's a big deal have a deeper issue with money. Uh, no. The money isn't what would bother me, not in the slightest. I wouldn't care if it was $1.00. The fact that he set up a secret bank account with his parents and didn't tell me about it is what would make me so angry. Particularly if his taking the money included a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell me about it. That is beyond insulting and a huge betrayal.
Exactly. Especially considering the fact that the inlaws are hostile to the OP to start with. If I were in that position (and I kind of am, my wealthy inlaws also dislike me and always have) if he accepted even 25 CENTS from them in that context I'd be furious. It's not the money, it's the attitude of "here's 25 cents, don't tell your nasty golddigging wife about it, son."
post #40 of 78
Thread Starter 
BSD..that is exactly it.
and than to not have him stand up for me. Not that he ever has so why should I think he would now but we've been over these issues about his parents so many times b/c they can actually be crue to me and he jsut lets it happen.

BTW..I am a good eprson and have never given him reason not to trust me. His parents don't trust me and he is too lame to stand up to them or go against them . It is infuriating.
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