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I feel so betrayed...Update post 68 - Page 3

post #41 of 78
Quote:
How can you refuse money like that?
money isn't the holy grail in life. trust could be, tho.

my parents have all kinds of money they'd throw at me like a ticker-tape parade if I would just bend to their idea of what's good for me.

I'm 26 years old. I live my own life, even if it means I live it on govt aid sometimes.
post #42 of 78
I would not have a problem with it.

However, due to the fact that it DOES look like he is "prepared" to leave you high and dry and the APPEARANCE of it is also important....

If I was you, I would INSIST that all extra savings go into an account under my name only to the tune of the same amount. At the same institution in another country. You know, so that my husband had assured that in the unlikely event of a problem I was also taken care of.

Seems fair to me.
post #43 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twocoolboys View Post
...he was afraid of what my reaction would be - mostly that I would use it as "proof" that my in-laws didn't like me, which seems to be the case in the op. But, since I know my in-laws like me (we joke that they like me more than they like dh)...
Would your in-laws give your dh money, and tell him to keep it a secret from you? That seems to be a fairly significant aspect of this.
post #44 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
Exactly. Especially considering the fact that the inlaws are hostile to the OP to start with. If I were in that position (and I kind of am, my wealthy inlaws also dislike me and always have) if he accepted even 25 CENTS from them in that context I'd be furious. It's not the money, it's the attitude of "here's 25 cents, don't tell your nasty golddigging wife about it, son."
I really sympathize... we are going thru some similar stuff...

Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
BSD..that is exactly it.
and than to not have him stand up for me. Not that he ever has so why should I think he would now but we've been over these issues about his parents so many times b/c they can actually be crue to me and he jsut lets it happen.

BTW..I am a good eprson and have never given him reason not to trust me. His parents don't trust me and he is too lame to stand up to them or go against them . It is infuriating.
I am always really stricken when I see things I'm going thru so neatly laid out in another person's life. Dh also has lied in the past about money... I wonder if it's a product of that 'privaledged life', and an embedded perception that money = stuff = success. He will cash a whole pay check, (well over a thousand dollars, and then just walk around with the money in his wallet; he likes to feel wealthy, I guess). I recently (today) found out he has an account I never knew about. I was pissed. Not about money, but that he had an account and just neglected to tell me... it made me feel weird, like I was flying blind, and didn't know it. I'm supposed to be responsible for bill-pays, and budgeting, and we struggle... is there money he isn't telling me about, that we could use, that he is witholding??

Additionally, on the flipside: My dad was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor (WHOLE other thread) and went on a mad dash to make financial arrangments, fix his will, etc, and turned over to me a mutual fund he's been paying into for 13 years, and forgot to turn over to me 10 years ago when he was supposed to. So a comparable amount of cash just landed at our door. I admit: I waffled on whether or not to tell him... We've been under great anxiety and having a hard time, and I actually thought of not telling him, so that I always have a back door plan. THEN, I went one further, to think if I just out and tell him in total, he'd have the money spent in his head on all his mi$take$ and debt, before the ink was dry on the paperwork. So I eased him into it... first I told him it was some money, and that I didn't know the total, (which, I didn't, at first), but it wasn't hugely life-changing. Then, the next day, I said, well I think it was more like (an amount about half of what it was estimated as). I watched how he reacted, and he was reasonable. When I DID reveal the whole amount to him, he admitted if I hadn't eased him into it, he woulda had a field day spending it mentally...
post #45 of 78
Maybe I'm a little naive on this, but when *I* divorced, I had to list our assets to show the court that the settlement I was asking for was reasonable. Then I had to swear, under oath, that the settlement was reasonable. I would think that siphoning money out of the marriage would be illegal and yes, I would consider having a secret account siphoning epecially if the reason for the secrecy is keeping my partner from it during a divorce.

I am all for having separate accounts (DH and I just opened our first joint account after 10 years) but DH knows all the institutions that have "my" money and I know all the institutions that have "his" money. I put "my" and "his" in quotes because what we earn while we are married is our money, only I only have access to some and he only has access to some.

The long and the short of it is, I would be livid. Not really about the money but more that a) DH didn't stand up to his parents and tell them, "she is my wife and we don't keep secrets" and b) DH thought it was appropriate for his parents to dictate about our relationship.

GL.

ETA: There is a trust that is being passed down where the person(s) with the trust either can't spend any of the principle or can spend the interest plus a small percentage of the principle. There is also a timing thing on this as well, so yes, it can be done.
post #46 of 78
Well, I for one wouldn't have a problem with it. It's only 11 grand. It's not like he's got millions stashed away or something.

Sure, that money would be nice for a vacation, or remodeling, or to put towards a new house or car or pay off debt. I'm not saying the money wouldn't be useful. But in the grand scheme of things, it's really NOT a lot of money at all.

So to me, having a "little" bit of money stashed away in some account would be okay. I mean, I have my own accounts and credit cards and the like. He doesn't know what goes on in there just like I don't know what goes on in his. So small bits like that, I fully expect and even encourage.

But now, if he had a hundred thousand or more (outside of retirement accounts), yeah I'd expect to know. Because at that point, to me, it starts moving away from a financial security aspect to one that's much deeper. Plus, I manage our joint bank account and I'd be really concerned if he had that much money without me knowing where it came from.

Thankfully we're both on the same page with that. When we got married, I had a trust in my name with quite a bit of money in it. He didn't think it strange or think that it was his to spend. In fact, we'd already been married a few years before I disclosed to him how much was in there. He knew it was my money and didn't let it bother him.. But he also knew he could trust me 100% and when the time was right, I decided to use that money for the downpayment on our [jointly-owned] home.
post #47 of 78
The sad thing is now you have to wonder what else is he "neglecting" to tell you? What other secrets does he have? To me you have every right to be upset, and feel betrayed!:
post #48 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazydiamond View Post
Well, I for one wouldn't have a problem with it. It's only 11 grand. It's not like he's got millions stashed away or something.
LOL. I could live on $11k for one full year. To most people, it's a lot of money.
post #49 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
LOL. I could live on $11k for one full year. To most people, it's a lot of money.
um, yeah, that. 11 grand would change our lives.
post #50 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by bri276 View Post
um, yeah, that. 11 grand would change our lives.
I didn't mean to sound flippant. . it is a lot of money for day to day things. For me too. But I also see it being able to be spent really, really quickly (like you can't even buy a new car for that). When it takes 2 million for the average middle-class person to live their retirement years, it doesn't seem like that much in comparison, ya know? But maybe it's all relative. . .like me seeing 2 million in a bank account seems unreal, yet I know for many people that's their reality.

If he had access to the money now and the money was needed, then I would see a problem. But if he can't even get to the money, then what difference does it make? Seems like it might just be a source of stress. . "if only I had that money. . ." At least that's what I would be thinking all the time.

Maybe I just live in a higher cost area. . .but that money wouldn't even cover my mortgage or rent (when I lived in an apartment) for the year, let alone everything else.

So maybe the more pertinent questions would be. . .does he really not have access to the money and how badly is the money needed? For me personally, the answer to the second question would probably dictate a large portion of how angry I was when I found out. But then when I discovered the answer to the first question, it would dictate whether I stayed angry or not.
post #51 of 78
I live in a very expensive area as well, 11 grand wouldn't make our rent for the yr, but it'd pay off 3/4 of our total debt

I guess when you think of the 11 grand in terms of retirement money, it is a different ballpark, it's not like it's a lump sum gift that is going to be spent any way you please. I'd still feel betrayed by DH, but my happiness over suddenly being $11,000 richer might quell some of my anger. (*key word, some!)
post #52 of 78
I live in one of the more expensive coastal cities in the USA. $11,000 would absolutely cover my rent for a year. And renter's insurance. And my transit pass. And electricity. And phone/internet. I'd just have to really cool my jets on food expenses.
post #53 of 78
Is it possible he planned to save it until it is available to spend (after parents die) and then surprise you? In one veiw it could be a really nice secret - kind of like the spouse who sets aside $5 a week to save up for a surprise 20th anniversary gift or something?
post #54 of 78
Yes I would feel hurt, especially by his parents.
post #55 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazydiamond View Post
But if he can't even get to the money, then what difference does it make? Seems like it might just be a source of stress. . "if only I had that money. . ."
:
post #56 of 78
Thread Starter 
I stated right in the beginning that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY or even that the account was set up. I care about it being a secret. It is really botheirng me that sme of you are so focused on the money aspect b/c that is NOT my point.
MY ILs and my husbnad had a secret behind my back..it was not set up to surprise me later it is specifically there for me NOT to find out about. My H has admitted that. There is no positive spin to this...it is an out and out betrayl. My husbnad knows and I know it and my ILs are revelling in it.

The wallet was accidentally left in the car that I use b/c that is what we took to the party. The reciept was not with all the other banking info it was hidden deliberately.
post #57 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
I stated right in the beginning that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY or even that the account was set up. I care about it being a secret. It is really botheirng me that sme of you are so focused on the money aspect b/c that is NOT my point.
MY ILs and my husbnad had a secret behind my back..it was not set up to surprise me later it is specifically there for me NOT to find out about. My H has admitted that. There is no positive spin to this...it is an out and out betrayl. My husbnad knows and I know it and my ILs are revelling in it.

The wallet was accidentally left in the car that I use b/c that is what we took to the party. The reciept was not with all the other banking info it was hidden deliberately.
Is the date on the receipt recent? Is it possible that the account was set up very recently and he was waiting for the right moment to tell you?

Correct me if I'm wrong - some PPs seem to think the account is in another country, but I thought you said another COUNTY? An account in another country might be hiding money, but an account in another county would be easily traceable in the event of a divorce.
post #58 of 78
Thread Starter 
It is anohter County not country. My dh was not trying to hide the money..his parents were. my husbnad was hiding the account...the existence of it.
The account was set up Nov 2005
post #59 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
I stated right in the beginning that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY or even that the account was set up. I care about it being a secret. It is really botheirng me that sme of you are so focused on the money aspect b/c that is NOT my point.
MY ILs and my husbnad had a secret behind my back..it was not set up to surprise me later it is specifically there for me NOT to find out about. My H has admitted that. There is no positive spin to this...it is an out and out betrayl. My husbnad knows and I know it and my ILs are revelling in it.

The wallet was accidentally left in the car that I use b/c that is what we took to the party. The reciept was not with all the other banking info it was hidden deliberately.
(((HUGS))) I can't believe how many people think your dh's behavior is okay!

This isn't about the money or about loyalty to his parents or the wisdom of being "prepared" in the case of leaving an abusive relationship. He lied and that is just plain frightening. I would demand my dh go to counseling with me, because I couldn't go on in such a sham relationship otherwise. Good luck, mama.
post #60 of 78
I'd be furious about the lying, and him keeping secrets with his parents on the basis of their poor opinion of you. Ick, ick, ick. Partners don't do that to partners.
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