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I feel so betrayed...Update post 68 - Page 4

post #61 of 78
As one of the prev. posters mentioned, 11k is the max gift a parent can make to a child (adult or not) in any given year without paying gift tax. $494 interest would be about 1 year's worth of interest at 4.5%, which is plausible as a savings rate in a money market account.

I would be angry about the concealment and the implications about trust, just as you are. I hope you and your dh are able to talk about how to manage all of the family's resources (including, but not limited to, money) and that he can understand why you are so hurt by his concealment of this windfall. Has he told you why he decided not to tell you about it?
post #62 of 78
The good news: You have more joint money than you thought.

The bad news: Dh didn't tell you about it.

Sounds like hasn't cut the "apron strings" yet!
post #63 of 78
Sorry - I missed the part where he deliberately hid the account from you. My DH did something ... related? ... when we were first married - he had a "secret" credit card that he ran up and we had to pay off. He didn't tell me until he was too overwhelmed by the total and we were arguing about something completely unrelated. Talk about destroying trust! But we worked through it, and while I've never FORGOTTEN it, I have come to peace with the fact that it happened.

So I think you can do one of two things:

Use this as another reason to hate your inlaws, with all of the implications (not making it easy to see them, no visits, not answering their calls, banning them from your home, etc.) but if you want your marriage to work, you live with the family and their hatred of you

or

Cut the cord and divorce your husband.

If you go to counseling, they'll most likely tell you to have the "I'm really disappointed that you continue to be openly hostile to me when I've tried really hard to acclimate to your family traditions. How can we come to an arrangement that works for everyone " speech with your inlaws & husband. And the "I'm really disappointed that you can't empathize with how much this hurts me" speech with your husband.

But only YOU know where this betrayal and continual hatred fits into the overall scheme of your relationship and YOUR plans and hopes for it. Maybe give it 6 months and see if you've continued to obsess on it take one action, or if you're able to assimilate this into your overall relationship, take another?

Either way, I feel for you and hope that things work out to your satisfaction.
post #64 of 78
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Has he told you why he decided not to tell you about it?
He says it is b/c he can't use the mony. He says it can't be touched until they die so he didn't tell me. Not a good reason if you ask me.
I am wondering if that is even true b/c he says we have to apy the taxes on the interest...does anyone know if this is true that even though we are paying the taxes we can't touch the money. I am not loooking to spend it..I am trying to see if this is another lie and I don;t know how to find out about tax laws.

Quote:
Use this as another reason to hate your inlaws, with all of the implications (not making it easy to see them, no visits, not answering their calls, banning them from your home, etc.) but if you want your marriage to work, you live with the family and their hatred of you
They never come here. They live about 20 min. away. My husband takes the kids there once a week on a night that I work. They never call on the house phone only on his celll. Last mohter's day they really laid inot me about homeschooling and created a horrible scene when we wee out to brunch..yelling screaming all that fun stuff. they are pissed that DS isn't circ'd and chose to yell at me for that..IN PUBLIC restarunt. So I told my husband that the kids were not to go over there b/c noone gets to treat me that way. I did say that I would not out and out keep them from their grandkids. I said they could come here whenever to see them but since I wasn't going to their house than neither were my kids. They did not see the kids for 5 1/2 mos. It was cooly reconcilied with MIL "apologizing" for her part. The whole thing was her part and it was agreed that we would not discuss these things in the future. So that is why the kids go there now.
It was just to keep the peace but it wasn't anything heartfelt or moving in the scheme of forgiveness.
post #65 of 78
Maybe he didn't tell you because he is planning on filing a divore and didn't want your lawyer to ask for the money?
Or he thinks you will file a divorce and ask for the money?
post #66 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
There was a thread recently about wives having "secret" bank accounts that their husbands don't know about. Many posters (including myself) felt that there is nothing wrong with that - that it is a good thing to have in case you ever have to leave the marriage.

I don't see this any differently. I wouldn't be angry about it.

I would be upset. $11K is ALOT of $. And if his parents have that much to give him and say he cannot use it until they die then they would totally help him if he left the marriage.
post #67 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
He says it is b/c he can't use the mony. He says it can't be touched until they die so he didn't tell me. Not a good reason if you ask me.
I am wondering if that is even true b/c he says we have to apy the taxes on the interest...does anyone know if this is true that even though we are paying the taxes we can't touch the money. I am not loooking to spend it..I am trying to see if this is another lie and I don;t know how to find out about tax laws.
I'm pretty sure that this isn't true. If the account is in his name, it belongs to him and he can legally use it any time that he wants for anything that he wants. The proof that it is in his name is the receipt that you found and the fact that you have to pay taxes on the interest.

He might be calling it a "trust," but it is clearly not. The only thing keeping him from spending the money or even adding your name to the account is that he doesn't want to upset his parents. My guess is that he also doesn't want to kill the golden goose, IYKWIM.
post #68 of 78
Thread Starter 
My husband has agreed to go inot therapy. He does not want to go but I insisited. There are too many issues that keep him from jsut being a happy person. Everytinhg is blam blame blame. At first I was considering marriage couseling but as I was thinking it over I realized I don't need therapy. I talkked to DH and said, "Do I have trouble communicating my wants needs anything with you? He said no. I asked, "Do I work hard at this marrige and am I trying hard to get you to do the same?" He said "yes" So I really don't feel I need the therapy...I was in it years ago. I just hope that in some time he will say, "I'm so glad you made me do that it was such a help"
post #69 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie Bugs Mama View Post
I'm pretty sure that this isn't true. If the account is in his name, it belongs to him and he can legally use it any time that he wants for anything that he wants. The proof that it is in his name is the receipt that you found and the fact that you have to pay taxes on the interest.

He might be calling it a "trust," but it is clearly not. The only thing keeping him from spending the money or even adding your name to the account is that he doesn't want to upset his parents. My guess is that he also doesn't want to kill the golden goose, IYKWIM.
Trusts are set up to to distribute the interest to the beneficiary, but not the "corpus". The interest counts as taxable income. It's the end of the year, all sorts of tax forms are getting sent out. Obviously, the husband might be lying about access, but lying outright is a bigger "sin" in my estimation than just failing to tell his wife about the account, and the information he gave her when confronted _is_ plausible.

I think it is probably best to accept him at his word, and insist on meeting with an accountant together to make sure that both spouses understand it and how to best utilize the account for the best interest of the family.

It's great that he's agreed to get some therapy: I wish you both the best.
post #70 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
My husband has agreed to go inot therapy.
That is excellent news! I know that for my DH, having an objective third-party man to speak with about issues has helped him a great deal.
post #71 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by WNB View Post
As one of the prev. posters mentioned, 11k is the max gift a parent can make to a child (adult or not) in any given year without paying gift tax. $494 interest would be about 1 year's worth of interest at 4.5%, which is plausible as a savings rate in a money market account.
Are you sure about this? We get a similar gift from my folks every year but it is $22k. Maybe it's because I'm married, but so is OP so I'm not sure.



Anyway, here's the thing. If it is a bank account with your husband's name on it, he indeed has access to it. Even if it's a joint account with his parents. If his name is officially on the account he can access it. Now, if it's a trust or an IRA or something, then there are restrictions on access.

In any case, I would feel betrayed and hurt. DH and I share everything (emotionally and financially) and if I was in your situation I would be furious. DH and I do have separate accounts but we each know how much the other has and openly share all expenses and deposits. Additionally, my parents are very wealthy and have involved us in every step of their estate planning. They have made it very clear that all money left will be in MY name not DH's. I am their child, not DH. If I am not around to receive the money then it automatically goes to our kids in a trust. DH is not upset about this at all, although he and my folks have a great relationship. But despite your poor relationship with the IL's this is a pretty typical set up (money being left to child not spouse) so why the secrecy? Again, this makes me question if he actually does have access to the money. It all sounds much too covert for my comfort level.

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

ETA: I just read that he's agreed to counseling. This is a great step. I wish you all the best!
post #72 of 78
Each spouse can recieve 11k, so a couple can recieve 22k. I really really doubt that he actually can't touch the money.
post #73 of 78
Dh's grandfather set up a trust for all his grandkids, which they could not access until the age of 42 unless he or their moms ok'd it. He wanted it to be retirement money or something. And we did have to pay taxes on the interest. But I always knew about the account, accessible or not. I hope therapy helps!
post #74 of 78
Dude I'd be pissed off. My DP wouldn't never stand for that. He'd tell his dad that we are partners and we don't keep secrets.
post #75 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by mija View Post
Each spouse can recieve 11k, so a couple can recieve 22k. I really really doubt that he actually can't touch the money.
: about the gift limits.

I don't see there's reason to suspect he's outright lying about the account access. His parents may be deliberately locked it away from him (not _the family_, but from _their son_) given his past bad history with money, to which the OP alluded earlier.

My in-laws had their daughter add them to the title on her house after her (and her ex-husband's) bankruptcy - not because they want to own the house, but b/c they just don't trust their daughter to make sensible, adult decisions about money. So they still treat her like a child. I don't agree, I don't think it is conducive to a healthy relationship, and I don't think it's an effective way to help her learn to manage money better, but it's not my business.
post #76 of 78
Quote:
Use this as another reason to hate your inlaws, with all of the implications (not making it easy to see them, no visits, not answering their calls, banning them from your home, etc.) but if you want your marriage to work, you live with the family and their hatred of you

Bolding mine.

That is unacceptable and should never be. Why in the world should anyone just have to accept people treating them badly? If my mother treated my husband with anything but respect, I would absolutely lay down the law and she would have to follow it, or risk never seeing me or her grandchildren again. Same goes for DH. If his family were more than merely annoying to me, and actually hated me and let me know it, if he were to expect me to just suck it up and deal, I would consider it a betrayal.

People need to put their spouses first. Their families of origin need to grow up and accept their member's choice in a spouse and get over it.
post #77 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post
Are you sure about this? We get a similar gift from my folks every year but it is $22k. Maybe it's because I'm married, but so is OP so I'm not sure.



Anyway, here's the thing. If it is a bank account with your husband's name on it, he indeed has access to it. Even if it's a joint account with his parents. If his name is officially on the account he can access it. Now, if it's a trust or an IRA or something, then there are restrictions on access.

In any case, I would feel betrayed and hurt. DH and I share everything (emotionally and financially) and if I was in your situation I would be furious. DH and I do have separate accounts but we each know how much the other has and openly share all expenses and deposits. Additionally, my parents are very wealthy and have involved us in every step of their estate planning. They have made it very clear that all money left will be in MY name not DH's. I am their child, not DH. If I am not around to receive the money then it automatically goes to our kids in a trust. DH is not upset about this at all, although he and my folks have a great relationship. But despite your poor relationship with the IL's this is a pretty typical set up (money being left to child not spouse) so why the secrecy? Again, this makes me question if he actually does have access to the money. It all sounds much too covert for my comfort level.

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

ETA: I just read that he's agreed to counseling. This is a great step. I wish you all the best!


I see nothing wrong with a parent leaving money to their child, in the child's name only. I am about to inherit a small amount of money from my grandparent's estate and it will be in my name only. If DH's parents had money, it would be left to him in his name only. The trouble lies when someone keeps a secret about the money. Unless you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, IMO, it is not right to have secret money. Well...barring a small stash for Christmas or birthday or something.

I also think that the guy has access and I would also be very pissed.
post #78 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
I see nothing wrong with a parent leaving money to their child, in the child's name only. I am about to inherit a small amount of money from my grandparent's estate and it will be in my name only. If DH's parents had money, it would be left to him in his name only. The trouble lies when someone keeps a secret about the money. Unless you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, IMO, it is not right to have secret money. Well...barring a small stash for Christmas or birthday or something.

I also think that the guy has access and I would also be very pissed.
i agree with this. im getting an inheritance in 08, and it will be in my name only. dh and i will spend it together, but he knows and understands that legally i guess you can say that it is my money. i would never dream of keeping it from him though
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