Secret UC??? - Page 2

[mengmommy]

I tried talking to my mom about it in the early 30-weeks, but she talked me out of it. Something kept pressing it on me, so I talked to dh about it and got him in agreement, and then we kept it to ourselves (besides two friends online who were very supportive). My mom was here for the birth (visiting from out of state)...woken up by my moaning and slightly distressed at first that we weren't going to the bc, but then she jumped right into the groove of things and was supportive. She was text messaging my dad during the delivery and right after and he was pretty mad about us not going in. But now my mom gets to brag that she helped deliver her granddaughter. Beautiful thing. Dh told MIL on the phone later that day. She's a very mainstream lady, but she knows she can't push dh around, so she kept most of her opinions to herself. People at church looked at me like I was crazy. Dh's bosses thought it was amazing, but crazy. Thankfully no one has tried to call cps. Oh yeah, and our landlord thought it was awesome, he and the assistant manager here brag that its the first baby born IN XXXXX apts.

[Sileree]

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[mrskennedy]

We're not telling anyone. After the birth my mom might figure out that we actually planned a UC, because we'll be in her house and she already knows I don't want pain meds, vaxes, unnecessary interventions that are "standard procedure," and that I don't like my OB's. But we're not telling beforehand, and not afterward unless she asks, because it will be too stressful. We plan on having another child in a few years, and we've already decided to go UP/UC and not tell a soul. It will be better for me and the baby, since I've had nothing but stress during this pregnancy and am lucky I haven't had any complications because of it.

[formerluddite]

Originally Posted by reducereuserecycle

Should DH and I take this one to our grave? Of course, I would like to tell the baby the truth and I can't imagine telling it that he/she was born through an UC, but then saying, "Don't tell anyone because we lied to them all and said you were born at home with a midwife in attendance." I just need some suggestions.

i think you have time to work things out before you hit the grave! one of the characteristics of the last week(s) of pregnancy is this sense of wanting everything settled, so you can relax in your nest with your baby. for most this means cleaning out closets at 37weeks, for me it meant doing the taxes the second week of january (due 1/27, but she came 1/19 and i had suspected she would be early). for you it seems to be settling your story.

i'd advise similar to what others have said. say the midwife wasn't there, then distract the questioners: ask them a question "can you be a dear and get me xxxx?" "isn't little schmoopy adorible when s/he inhales?" "don't you think s/he looks just like FIL?" if they ask for a blow by blow of the birth, you can say it's still all so jumbled in your head, you're just not ready to tell about it. classic polite miss manners responses to nosey parkers. remember, it isn't their business, you get to choose what personal info you want to share, just as if someone asked you: "do you and dh like to have sex in the kitchen?" you're not obligated to reply.

by the time baby (well, child by then!) is old enough to be told about the birth, you'll feel more decided about what to say. you'll probably feel more confident about your choice, and won't mind sharing it, or you'll continue to keep it private (and i specifically am not saying "secret," anymore than saying you keep it a "secret" how you bathe or have sex or whatever: it's just private, unless you feel unprivate about it!) and by the time you'd tell dc, you may feel ok about telling her/him "we don't tell some people about this part, because we feel they won't understand, and would worry unecessarily about it." then you're just teaching dc about privacy, not how to lie. and you can talk about how society views birth as a medical emergency, but you view it as something normal, safe and private (i'm making assuptions here, but most people who'd UC have that viewpoint). and it's not lying to let people's assumptions go uncorrected, unless for some reason they are truly entitled to the information (like marital fidelity, etc.)

good luck and a wonderful birth to you!

[reducereuserecycle]

The cat's out of the bag

Today DH told my parents that we were planning a UC. They COMPLETELY freaed out. I was in tears within minutes and cried uncontrollably trying to explain what UC even is. DH supposedly could not keep it in any longer; he just had to tell someone. I ended up yelling at all of them and the poor baby was probably scared to death. He doesn't plan to tell his mom because he says she doesn't care about the birth (which is true, she was a horrible mother to him and he is closer to my parents than his) Maybe he will tell her after the fact, but it's not like he's going to make it a point to tell her. I just can't believe he told them. It's like they all three are trying to gang up against me. My main reason for not wanting them to know was because I didn't want them to worry. In the middle of the big "discussion" this afternoon my mom said I was going to give my dad a heart attack (he does have a bad heart) But all three of them (mom, dad, and DH) are not even trying to consider what great stress they are causing to me and the baby. My parents live pretty far away and they had to go back home tonight. My mom was saying I need to pray about what is best and all this stuff as she was going out the door. I just can't believe that this is turing into such a hassle. I think I's like to go hide in a cave by myself until I give birth. DH has been really unphased by my decision to UC and not he is acting like he is soo distressed that he has to get sympathy from my parents. Now all three of them are like against me. I am somewhat concerned that I am not going to get any support through this UC. Noone was going to be here except DH and now if I go into labor while he is at work I am debating on whether not to even call him. I just wish things were different, but oh well.

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by reducereuserecycle

Today DH told my parents that we were planning a UC. They COMPLETELY freaed out. I was in tears within minutes and cried uncontrollably trying to explain what UC even is. DH supposedly could not keep it in any longer; he just had to tell someone. I ended up yelling at all of them and the poor baby was probably scared to death. He doesn't plan to tell his mom because he says she doesn't care about the birth (which is true, she was a horrible mother to him and he is closer to my parents than his) Maybe he will tell her after the fact, but it's not like he's going to make it a point to tell her. I just can't believe he told them. It's like they all three are trying to gang up against me. My main reason for not wanting them to know was because I didn't want them to worry. In the middle of the big "discussion" this afternoon my mom said I was going to give my dad a heart attack (he does have a bad heart) But all three of them (mom, dad, and DH) are not even trying to consider what great stress they are causing to me and the baby. My parents live pretty far away and they had to go back home tonight. My mom was saying I need to pray about what is best and all this stuff as she was going out the door. I just can't believe that this is turing into such a hassle. I think I's like to go hide in a cave by myself until I give birth. DH has been really unphased by my decision to UC and not he is acting like he is soo distressed that he has to get sympathy from my parents. Now all three of them are like against me. I am somewhat concerned that I am not going to get any support through this UC. Noone was going to be here except DH and now if I go into labor while he is at work I am debating on whether not to even call him. I just wish things were different, but oh well.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry all that blew up in your face. I would be very angry with all of them!

You cannot "give your father a heart attack". It's his own condition and his own response to things that causes heart attacks. Don't let anyone put that on you. It could feasibly be every bit as "life and death" for you and your dc to stay home and give birth in peace as it may be for your father and getting too upset.

You sound to me like you know exactly what you want, and exactly what's best for you and your baby. I would seriously discuss with dh why he felt the need to betray you instead of just opening up to you so the two of you could calmly discuss his concerns without the inflammatory situation with your parents. You may need to work through that before you'll be able to comfortably give birth in his presence, or perhaps you should just hope and plan to give birth when he's at work.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this at the last minute!!

[formerluddite]

i'm so sad to hear that.

[Kidzaplenty]

So sorry to hear about your situation. It was very wrong for your DH to put you in that position. There does seem to be an underlying problem that perhaps he has not spoken to you about. Maybe he really is worried, and was using your parents to deal with it rather than deal with his own issues with you alone.

If it were me, I would be SOOO angry at DH. However, since you said that your parents did not live close by (I think that is what you said) they really should not be a problem. You can always just not answer your phone if you have to, in order to remove the stress. But the issue with your DH must be addressed. Unless you decide that you want to go it alone. Which, in my case would be really nice, but then again, I have had eight children, so I don't need the emotional support during labor that many do.

Try talking to your DH before you decide to just go it alone. Maybe he is more scared than he is letting on.

[reducereuserecycle]

I think he is scared. I think that it is his own fault though, if he would spend as much time as I have actually preparing for the birth, then he would know what to expect. I know he is tired from working but he has no reason not to be prepared. I have him reading Unassisted Childbirth right now. I have been trying to get him to read it for 2 months now. Yesterday that book came up during the big argument and my mom said that he should read it so now he is reading because she told him to, not because I've been suggesting that he read it for the past 2 months. It is like he is in denial or something that this birth is going to happen anytime. He is excited about the baby and we have been together around 10 years and are both so thankful to have this baby inside me. He supposedly feels that he is responsible for both me and the baby during the birth. I've told him repeatedly that if he doesn't want to be here then he doesn't have to. I told him I will write a paper and have it notarized that says I chose an unassited homebirth and that he is not responsible for what happens. (I thought maybe he was nervous about the legal aspects) He didn't really comment about me saying that. He really won't express his feelings about this other than saying I am putting so much stress on him. I am not one to fell sorry for myself, but I do think that it important for him to realize that he is putting just as much or more stress on me and the baby because of how he is acting.
I'm not worried about my parents. They do live away and they know how I am very independent about decisions and that nothing they say is going to change my mind because I have reseached UC and made my decision. They feel so sorry for DH because of all this responsibility that I have put on him.
I checked my BP at the store today. The top # was higher then it has ever been. It was 127 over 70. I was not worried about this birth at all and now I am getting some fear that all the stress is going to make it more difficult.

[moonfirefaery]

Well, my mother in law has issues with us even having a homebirth. When Corey pointed out that we're doing it alone and will be just fine, she kept telling him how concerned she was for the baby's well-being. He told me she probably wants to talk to me, so I've avoided calling her. I don't need to be interrogated, you know? I think if I could do it over again I just wouldn't have said anything until after the birth

[formerluddite]

i'm remembering how my dh dealt with our situation.

i was very dissatisfied with hospital birth after dd1 was born. i felt treated like a car door on an assembly line for all the interest anyone took in my opinion. there was "nothing special" about my case, just pretty fast (4cm to birth in 2 hrs, on a first birth). and years later (when i got my records to give to my midwifves) i found out they gave me oxytocin without asking or telling me. i found out this was "standard procedure," that it was probably given after the birth to help the placenta delivery and clamp down the uterus faster. that you have to refuse it to avoid it. how are you supposed to refuse something if no one tells you about it? there was just no faith in my body doing the right thing all by itself.

so i wanted an undisturbed birth the next time, but chose to have a midwife in part because of dh's desire to be in the background, and in part because i didn't have enough confidence to do it alone. in the discussions we had with the midwives, they tried to draw dh out about his feelings on the birth, and he eventually said that he viewed birth as "women's work," he didn't really feel like he was comfortable taking much of a role, and ideally he saw himself standing out in the hall, peeping through a mostly closed door!!! let me tell you, this did not feel like much support! but after 17 years together, i understand and mostly accept dh's limitations, and really hadn't expected much more than that, hence my choice for a midwife.

well fate had another idea for dh, and my labor abruptly went fast. i was sitting up eating oatmeal at 7:10am and dd2 shot out at (we guessed) 7:37, in between cell phone calls. i used the phone call log to get the window of 7:32 (dh talking to next door neighbor), - baby still in. 7:42 (dh talking to midwife) - baby out. poor dh didn't get to stay in the background, did he? but he was a trooper, he did everything he needed to (with the help of a neighbor who came over), until the midwives arrived ?30 min later.

my point is, dh's can have a hard time with birth. they may feel like it's very scary and foreign to them, especially given our cultural construct of it being an emergency. and they tend to live in denial until shoved into reality. i think that's what happened to your dh. it feels like a betrayal, but maybe he couldn't think of another way to bring up his feelings. as for reading the book: dh's never seem to want to take dw's advice, but someone else's advice doesn't have the stink of marital control issue clinging to it, and is taken more easily. he also probably was avoiding reading it so he could stay in denial. (and how cool that he doesn't have IL issues!).

so you have every right to feel royally po'd about the betrayal of confidence, but if you can let it go (a better woman than i've often been), and try to move forward now that dh is actually coming to terms with how soon it's going to happen, you may be able to work it out so he can be of support to you. maybe you can figure out a way for him to feel supported in supporting you, like someone he can call if he feels like he's out of his depth. maybe he's visualizing catastrophy, you "out of it" and him being left on his own to make decisions he feels unprepared to make.

and if you both need a good laugh, visit youtube and watch "snakes on a homebirth." it's absolutely histerical!! and it may get him laughing and opening up about some of his fears. no matter how unprepared he is, he'll do better than that daddy to be!

[moonfirefaery]

LOL!!! I watched the video,. It was so great! I can't wait to showmy husband. He loved that movie.

[reducereuserecycle]

I showed that Snakes on a Homebirth to DH today. It is so stupid it's funny. Things are going better with DH. Now that he has read almost all of Emergency Childbirth (finally) he thinks he is an expert. He even told me that a placenta looks like a piece of liver It seems like he needed to vent his fears before he could jump on board. Now, my parents are worried sick, but I think they are getting used to the idea pretty quick from what I've heard from them. After I had told them (during the argument) a few of the bad things about our former midwife my mom said it sounded like she didn't care about us. I feel some relief that I don't have to be the one to tell my parents about the UC. It was sad today when I said to DH, "You just talked to your mom on the phone, why didn't you tell her our real birth plans?" He said, "My parents don't care." It is so true. So, I am thankful that he does get along with my parents so at least he feels like he has some caring parental figures in his life.
Also, when I checked my BP at Kroger today the top # was 123. That is 5 lower then the day after the big argument.

[formerluddite]

glad to hear things are settling down. and now you don't have a "secret" nagging at you (to the grave ).

what's even funnier about SOAHB: they filmed the kitchen scene the day before the baby was born, and the tub scene during early labor. i remember the giddy phase of early labor: everything seemed funny. they must have had a great time! (sorry to be so OT).

[reducereuserecycle]

true, I am glad not to have a secret anymore

DH was so intently watching SOAH (he had no idea it was a joke at first cause I had fixed the screen so he couldn't even see the title. During the early tub scence when the father was acting so highstrung my DH had this look on his face like "I know I can do better than that"

[accountclosed3]

perhaps your parents should read shanley's book as well--and i'm glad that your husband is on board.

may i speak, for a bit, about your husband's percieved role?

he is right that he is 'responsible' for you both now. at the spiritual level, your husband is your protector and the protector of his child. this is part of what he understands himself to be (spiritually) whether he knows that consciously or not.

many men in our culture feel that they cannot protect us and their children while in childbirth--to an extent, this is true. there is an aspect of birth that is just mother/child, and spiritually, there's no protection that the father can offer. because of his fear of that space--that space where there's no protection that he can offer--he enlists others to aid him in his protection. in our culture, this has taken on the form of "experts' such as doctors and midwives.

now, there's nothing wrong with enlisting doctors and midwives when one does need help. no problem what so ever. but when one doesn't need help, then we know that trouble can ensue when enlisting unnecessary help (such that they make themselves necessary).

but when we enlist out of fear--and often this is what husbands are doing, they fear that space where they cannot protect, so they enlist a protector to help them. this is largely 'spiritually instinctual' for them.

instead, what they might want to work on or focus on, at the spiritual level, is the deep trust of the woman's spirit walk at that point where he cannot protect her. that this is ok, healthy, normal, appropriate, and spiritual for the baby. it's valuable--extremely valuable.

and then, there's no need to enlist those others to guard during that time when he cannot guard and protect--because he trusts that the mother is capable of fending for herself and their child. yes, it's hard to trust, to stand aside one's natural instinct and spiritual role, but he must also accept and understand our primal ferocity, our ability to do this, and insodoing discover his true mate.

[RiceMomma]

I noticed your mom told you to pray- have you done that (if you're the praying type)? She can't really argue with an answer from God, ya know?

It can be such a hard situation. My own MIL waited until a week before my baby was born to start giving me a hard time. Before then she was really positive about it- I think she just thought it was a silly idea I had in my head that I would give up on once I got closer to the birth. Which is also really annoying.

[reducereuserecycle]

I have prayed about this birth (a lot).
Here is how my UC decision came about:
I had a lay midwife and the prenatals were going ok, but I had it in the back of my mind since before I was pregnant that I wanted an UC. I didn't even realize that there were people in the US that have UCs, but I had a gut feeling that is how I wanted my baby's birth. Then, I was on break at work searching the web and I looked up Mothering because I'd read a few of the magazines and I wondered what the website was like. That led me to the UC forum. This was the beginning of December. I started spending at least an hour everyday reading the UC forum's archives and all the new posts. I didn't post anything yet because I was getting so much information just from reading what everyone else had to say. About midway through December DH and I went to the movie theatre to see The Nativity Story. It was so inspiring for me to see the portrayal of Mary give birth to Jesus with just Joseph at her side. Then about 2 days later was when I told DH that I was determined to have a UC and get rid of the midwife. To me it was not coincidential that I found the MDC UC forum and saw The Nativity Story movie so close together and at a time when I was beginning to question how comfortable I was with my midwife. DH was also feeling like the midwife was questionable. DH didn't argue my decision the whole time, he just kept saying the thing about how he was responsible for me and the baby. Like Zoebird was saying, I never realized how he feels the responsibility to care for us. I mean I know that is his role as DH and he is a great caretaker of me; I just seemed to overlook his emotions. I think he was/is terrified. I do trust that God will take care of us. I have great faith in knowing that just as God was with Mary during her UC that God will be with me and my baby.

During the discussion/argument with DH and my parents I did mention that The Nativity Story played a part in my decision to UC. My mom said, "Well, God wouldn't let anything happen to Jesus." I think she was letting her fear of me UCing play a part in that comment. To me that comment seems rather harsh as if she were implying that God doesn't care about me or my baby, but I don't think that is what she meant.
Meanwhile DH and I have had more conversation about the logistics of the upcoming birth in the past 3 days then we have in the past 9 months. Good thing because this birth is going to happen soon! This morning he told me to remember to push when my body told me to and to wait about 2 contractions after the head comes out before I push out the rest of its body. I think his reading of emergency childbirth has made him realize that birth is pretty simple and natural. I just wish he would have saved himself the extra stress and read it months ago, but it seems as though he needed that extra approval from my parents to jump on board.