Horrible experience with my cousin yesterday!!!

[FoxintheSnow]

Yesterday she invited me and ds over, plus her mom (my aunt) was visiting from up north. So everything was going ok. She is extremely detached from her baby, but whatever that's her choice I don't get involved. So anyway, somehow the fact that I need to see a gynecologist comes up in conversation and I say how it's difficult to see one cause I have to bring ds and whatever. So cousin doesn't understand why ds, who will be 3 next month, cant' just sit in the room while Im being examined and be quiet because I told him to. I explained how its a scary scenario for a lot of kids that age, and when Ive tried in the past he's been upset and I can't really help him while Im on the table. So anyway this becomes a whole thing with basically me feeling like Im on the witness stand being cross examined by 2 district attourneys(my aunt and cousin) about my parenting style. Questions after questions after questions after questions, what if this, what if this what if this, a million hypotheticals, etc. So finally I had enough and I let them know they were making me feel really uncomfortable. They were trying to claim that they were trying to "learn" and I should want to "teach" people about my unique style of parenting. I was like you guys aren't trying to learn, you're trying to prove to me why you think how I parent is wrong. Then my cousin tells me how she doesnt enjoy when I come over with ds (which has been a total of 2 times ever) because it's stressful to her because I have no control over him, he doesn't listen to me, etc. I told her to give me specific examples of things he did that were wrong. Her baby was sleeping most of the time we were there so everyone including ds had to be really quiet (which they dont understand why thats hard for a 3 year old) so ds was laying on the floor playing with a firetruck, but all of a sudden he banged the firetruck on the floor. (this was her example of horrible behavior) and I told him to be quieter when playing with the truck, but he wouldn't so I distracted him with another toy. In her opinion I shouldve taken the firetruck away. So I said Ok if I took it away he would scream and that would wake the baby which is what we were trying to avoid in the first place. So in her opinion I should be able to take a firetruck away, tell him no and he should be ok with that and when her child is 3 that's how he'll be. He'll always listen to "no" the first time and she wont have to use spanking or yelling to get him to be that way. I told her that as far as Im concerned when it's something that is really tempting for them, 99% of 3 year olds will not listen to "no" on the 1st, second, or possible even 3rd time and beyond unless you beat them are they are too terrified not to listen. It's just where they are at developmentally. She thinks if there is something she doesnt want him to touch-instead of moving it out of his reach he should just listen and not touch it. I think it's the understatement of the century that she is in for a rude awakening someday. I just cannot believe how I was treated. As if Im a terrible mother and my ds is the worst child on the planet. He really is a good kid. 90% of the time we were there he laid on the floor and played with trains. The only "bad" things he did was: she had some cds on the coffee table not in cases that he touched and I promptly moved out of his reach so they wouldnt get scratched, she had a baby swing that he turned on 4-5 times throughout the visit even though she didnt want him to, I told him not to, and she wouldnt let me bring him in a different room or move it out of the room, and he laughed and sometimes talked too loud and could have woke up the baby. I know horrible child, better enroll him in bootcamp now. I was crying the whole way home because she upset me so much. She kept saying things like "I feel really sorry for your son. You're really doing him a disservice. He's going to have problems in life because he can't listen, etc etc etc" I really don't want to see her again.

[chinaKat]

Well, like you said, she is in for a huge awakening some day soon... I don't really "get" people that think they know everything about kids. Even if it is her experience to know a child that behaves like this mythical perfect 3 year old she envisions, she ought to realize that all children are different and while some kids are happy to sit quietly and listen to "no" others just are more spirited than that.

[paquerette]

Just sit back and wait for her rude awakening to come.

[Finch]

Oooh boy is she ever in for it. Yeah. I'd just sit back and wait until her kid turns into a defiant toddler and then laugh when she laments his behavior.

What a judgemental, ignorant UA violation. I wouldn't visit her again at all.

[ElliesMomma]

i would not go back there again. she treated you badly (why sign up for that again?) and -- worse -- your son overheard it all. not worth it!

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by Jokerama

So in her opinion I should be able to take a firetruck away, tell him no and he should be ok with that and when her child is 3 that's how he'll be. He'll always listen to "no" the first time

I really hope she won't have to eat her own words (but I suspect she will).

My Inlaws are just like your cousin. Opinionated... without the least bit of credibility.

My SIL accused DS of being a "bad child" when he was Ages 1 and 2 because of his Age Appropriate Behavior (Tantrums, Whinyness, Meltdowns, you name it, DS did it) and sense I have a ZERO tolerance for anyone who didn't want to be around DS, I stopped visits with her and had I not been strong enough, I probably would have set up an appointment with a Child Therapist because she would have ME thinking something was *wrong* with MY Child or MY parenting abilities.

I knew I was "not alone" reading other Mom's experiences with their 1 or 2 or 3 year olds. So I was empowered to deal with her comments.

Anyway, SIL got pregnant... and fast forward to today now calls me crying because she can't "handle" her 18 month old who does ALL those things I described. I was waiting though. I knew she'd call. She is now eating her words. I told her to "wait it out" "it's just a Stage" and she "will get through it"

Your cousin has a baby (and sounds like to me she has no experience with Kids to draw on and has not read up on Child Development pass what? 6months old?) and has no idea what the heck she is talking about.

So, if I were you, I would cut off all visits...particulary since your DS stresses her out :

[ChristyMarie]

Maybe I'm just a B**** but I'd sit back want wait for her to have a 3 year old then say "I told you so"

But that's just me.

Don't let them get to you - YOU are a great mom - just because they think kids should be robots doesn't make them right.

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

yah, everything everyone else said. We know that you're right, someday she will too. She may never admit it, but she'll know.

It's hard comming from family though and especially hard getting interogated when sitting on the interogators home turf.

(((HUGS)))

[saraann]

Her day will come. I would avoid her if I were you, at least until her child is a two year old, and then I'd go over just to watch how perfect her toddler behaves and how he always listens to his mom, ie. the perfect parent.

[AngelBee]

Honestly.....you have planted a seed. Whether or not she seemed rude with the questioning, she heard what you had to say.

Two years down the road, when she has asked for the fifth time for her child not to bang the metal pot on the glass sliding door.............she will think of your conversation! : That she follows you advice.

Otherwise, she will end up spanking her child. Her expectations are unrealistic.

[captain optimism]

Bwa ha ha ha! She thinks that a different parenting style will make her child obey her immediately when he's three! That's pretty funny. She must never have met a three year old before.

My child is saintly, saintly I tell you, amazingly quiet for his age. (He's pretty shy.) There is no way in hell that he would have been able to resist a pile of CDs for even five seconds. Not even two seconds. He would have had to touch them INSTANTLY. Because, CDs man, they have MUSIC on them! Look how shiny the jewel cases are! Printed booklets with lists of songs--read them to me! Etc. etc.

Her ideas about how he's going to just mind you even if you put toddler catnip in front of him? The voice of inexperience. Her mom's opinion? Voice of complete, utterly hilarious forgetfulness.

If that had been me, with the medical appointment and the criticism over the toddler who can't stay alone in the waiting room? I would have said "Well, I was going to ask if one of you could come along to sit with him, but now that I hear what you have to say I'm going to look for a friend who actually likes kids, instead."

[Mama Poot]

Haahahahaha she should meet my toddler. He's almost 18 months old....he is A TERROR. He screams, growls, hits, throws things, breaks things, he's whiny, demanding, clingy, bwahahahaha I hope your cousin's kid turns out just like him. He might be this Mama's perfect little angel : but he is and has been others' nightmare.

[MillingNome]

I'm left feeling for your cousin's baby. Can you imagine what it will be like for me? He's going to have a mom who does not understand him. He's probably going to be brow-beat into submission with no idea what he did wrong or why it is. And the second she turns her back...

[Sijae]

I feel so bad for your cousins baby :-( But anyway yes she is in for a very difficult time with her child unless she is willing to beat him into submission - he'll be like any other 3 year old.

I would never go there again. The things they said to you were way out of line and extremely disrespectful. It sounds like it's time for some clear boundaries.

Laura

[funkygranolamama]

It would be nice if you had recorded your conversation with them. It would make a lovely gift in a few years...

How could anyone expect a 3 yo to not touch pretty, shiny CDs? She should have them in cases, anyway, if she doesn't want them messed up.

[CherryBomb]

I'm sorry you and your ds were disrespected like that. Honestly, he sounds pretty well behaved to me! I do agree she's in for a rude awakening! Stand firm and take comfort in the fact that she'll be eating her words before you know it

[Canadianmommax3]

yes i would invite her and your aunt over when her baby is a toddler. Put lots of shiny things out so her child will be so interested in touching everything.
Make sure you have a babyswing handy to put in the middle of the room.
And when child touches everything, remind her that you don't want those things touched, and she isn't allowed to move anything out of childs reach!

ya that would be a fun payback:

and than when toddler has a screaming sh*t fit, ask her can't she "control" her child better?

[PajamaMama]

It sucks that you have to put up with that

Your ds is a sweetheart. I don't know what their problems are, especially her mom, she ought to know better after raising a child herself!

As for the dr. appointment...I wish I could help you. I'd watch your ds again in a heartbeat. I sure wouldn't ask your cousin for help with it though! I wonder if there is a mom's morning out type thing at a church/synagogue near you, where you can pay a little $ and drop him off for the morning, and schedule the appointment during that time?

I hate to think that you were crying all the way home after that visit. But I do think you're right...they don't want to learn...they want to make you feel your way is inferior so they can feel better about THEIR (wrong) way of 'parenting'. Your cousin is SO in for a rude awakening in a year or two!

I hope you had a nice : by the way!

~J.

[Chinese Pistache]

Oh brother! Did you laugh in her face?? Toddlerhood can't come soon enough. Please post again when her dc hits 18 mths (mine's right there and her behavior is definitely age appropriate )!

[JamesMama]

How did you resist laughing in her face?

My MIL was telling me about when her sister's babies were little how she was all "I'm gonna leave all my stuff down where it is and DD will learn not to touch it." yeah, I guess that lasted all of 3 seconds. AIL's youngest (of 3) is now 14 and all her breakables are STILL in enclosed curio cabinates that are bolted to the wall. LOL

Her day will come. I really feel sorry for her baby though, sounds like your cousin has insane expectations of how a toddler should act. That poor baby is going to have his poor spirit "No!!!'ed" to death.