Oh great, now I have a reputation to live up to!
I agree a lot with mamanicki. I think there is a delicate balance to keep in check, and I also think it's important to recognize that I do not "own" the adoption experience for my children.
For me, adoption is not a huge deal. I don't stress or obsess about it on a daily basis. There are things that I"ve lost; there are things that I've gained. Sometimes issues do come up for me that I need to work through in my own mind. Sometimes when I do too much reading or listen too much to the messages of society, I question certain things. But mainly, I love my children. I care for them, teach them, nurture them every single day, and that takes the bulk of my time and energy. I have had precious experiences with my children teaching me about what it means to be a mother. I absolutely love the fact that I get to experience the connection with birth families. I think there are unique things about adoption that are really special that compensate for any losses, and for me, the whole area of birth families is one of those things. Sharing the placement experience with my son's birth mother was one of the most profound experiences of my whole life, and I wanted to shout from the rooftops that peope who only gave birth were missing out in never getting to experience it.
However, I recognize that my experience may not be my child's experience. It pains me to think that my child may hurt because of being adopted. It is one of those "issues" that comes up for me periodically that has to be continally re-worked through--I have to reaffirm to myself that we can cross that bridge, and that I as a parent will be strong enough and open enough to handle it if that time comes. It is frightening to me to think that one day my child may be extremely angry about being adopted. I have lurked on the adoptee thread, here, Emilie, and yes, it scares me to think that my child might experience a hurt and anger so big and so deep and that some of it might be directed at me. I look at my imperfections and failings as a parent every day and worry that my child might hold it over my head some day.
I sincerely hope that my awareness of this possibility will help me prepare for it, not run from it. I don't spend all my time thinking or worrying about these things. In fact, it is comparatively little time. Honestly, I think that spending too much time dwelling on this stuff saps my energy from my parenting. It diminishes my confidence and keeps me from being the parent that I need to be. So there is a balance there for me. I want to be open to my child's feelings, yet I also want to create a strong foundation of belief for my children to build on in helping them understand adoption in a positive, yet balanced way. I do believe that as a parent, I can have a strong influence on my child's adoption experience...but I can't completely control it, nor should I. It's just that balance of teaching them the things that I think will help them understand while at the same time trying to be open to their feelings and experiences if they differ from what I expect and want. It's tough! I am positive that I will make mistakes, and that is the one thing I do fear--that my children will be angry at me for my mistakes as I witness some of the anger that is out there from some adoptees.
OK, now I made it sound like I am contradicting myself and that adoption is a huge deal to me. But really it's not...the above thoughts that I expressed are not hounding me all the time or anything; they just come up occasionally. I think that has to be a good thing, though, because I think they're important things to think about.
) could possibly hinder my adopted daughter. I think, like most parenting areas, this is another area that requires a sort of delicate balance.
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