is adoption a big 'issue' for you? - Page 9

[thismama]

I really, really love that too, Amris.

[Emilie]

[QUOTE=RedOakMomma;7290953]Do you ever think there just ISN'T something "wrong" with you? I mean, I'm no expert, and I'm sure there are brilliant people in the world who have written papers and books on this stuff, but it seems to me there's nothing "wrong" with any way of reacting to adoption.


I have not responded to this as I did not know what to say.
I have an overwhelming urge to find fault within myself - I know intellectually I am completely "normal and ok" But I do not know it emotionally and in my heart. I think this can be common in adoptees. What is wrong with me?
Why did my mom give me away?
I think it comes from the time you are an infant looking for your mom? The woman who carried you and you are genetically, biologically connected.
I think there is an immediate need for the infant to be with its mother-
There would not be such a movement as to the ludacrisnous of the infant being seperated from the mother after birth as takes place in many hospitals( still) and was the norm just a few years ago.

I think that comes from being adopted and being raised in a different foreign family as well. What is wrong with me? Why do I not think, act, look, love like them?

I think that comes from being told repeatedly that there WAS something wrong with me! LOL. I was different and that was WRONG.

I know that it is not. But this is what was instilled in me from the starting gate. So it is not something I have to learn intellectually... it is something I need to know in my heart. And I do not know the course of action to make that happen for me. But I am working on it.

Does that help explain it?

Emilie

[RedOakMomma]

, yes, it does. And thank you for explaining it, and being so patient with repeated questioning. I guess what I was wondering is what you were talking about...that you know in your mind a certain thing, but feel in your heart a different way. That makes sense, and again...I'm very grateful to you for going into such depth about how you feel. I know it must be tough (though maybe at least a little therapeutic?)...but you're probably doing a lot of good for (pre)adoptive parents like me. I know, as I've been reading more over the past week, your story has made many of the articles about adoptive parenting more real to me. It's also been very kind of you to be open about some of the "mistakes" your parents made, and how that's made you feel.

I hope what I wrote in the previous post wasn't upsetting or condescending. I didn't mean it that way at all. I just wanted to understand better where you were with your attitudes toward grief and loss, and wondering (a little outloud) if maybe it's tough dealing with the loss you experienced in a culture that doesn't want to recognize many kinds of grief or loss.

Oh, and , a long struggle with knowing something in your mind but not knowing it in your heart isn't just common to adoptees. I totally know where you're coming from, even if it is from a different sort of angle. Many s to you, and many blessings, and many wishes for happiness and healing.

[Emilie]

No NOt at all. I know you interest is pure I just read it and kept thinking I need to reply. Not at all!

It is helpful to talk about it since it would be kind of weird if I just sat around talking about it to my mom friends all day. lol.
I am happy to anytime. Really.
I feel like I am doing something with it by speaking here about it and to the other adoptees. I have never really talked about it before. Not at any great length....
I keep thinking what could have made a difference- one thing, two things??
I don't know. I do think if my parents had been able to be "real" people and dealt with their own issues I would have had an easier time about it as well as other things. That is true for all parenting tho! Adopted or not.
I guess that is what I am trying to do now. I had always planned on getting therapy before having kids and a family to bring into the mix and it just did not work out that way. therapy is expensive and very difficult for me- I don't really like having to think out everything I need to say in that ONE hour and wait another week or two to pick up. I have a great therapist here and I hope to see her once a month.... anyhow- I am rambling! lol.
I appreciate your willingness to hear all this even if it doesn't make sense to you or even sounds crazy. Thank you for being respectful of me. Even if I wasn't of you. Which I know I probally wasn't sometimes.

I am happy to talk to anyone about this now. It was getting difficult but I rewally think we just all come into our situations with different knowledge and understanding and of course we all see things differently! But we all want the same things in the adoption triad- what is best for the child.

Emilie

[sonrisaa29]

Originally Posted by sesa70

...or anyone else wanting to answer!


You mentioned as a child you always wondered about your birthmom and had some negative feelings about your adoption, but you were always concerned wtih your adoptive moms feelings. So can I ask if you remember around what age you can remember beginning to feel negatively? What sorts of things can we adoptive moms look for in our children as symptoms of these types of concerns?

I would hate for my dd to grow up and feel she cannot talk to me about negative feelings she has surrounding her adoption because of my feelings. I would like to know what sorts of things to look out for so that I may approach her if need be.

I think its important to always be open with your daughter...I never did not know I was adopted...I think it helped too that my mom always said that even though she didn't know my BM she always had a special place for her in her heart. It helped too that she always said that she'd like someday to tell my BM thank you....

I think my most resentful time was during my teenage years and feeling like I was unwanted but my mom and i struggled through it....

[Emilie]

Originally Posted by sesa70

...or anyone else wanting to answer!


You mentioned as a child you always wondered about your birthmom and had some negative feelings about your adoption, but you were always concerned wtih your adoptive moms feelings. So can I ask if you remember around what age you can remember beginning to feel negatively? What sorts of things can we adoptive moms look for in our children as symptoms of these types of concerns?

I would hate for my dd to grow up and feel she cannot talk to me about negative feelings she has surrounding her adoption because of my feelings. I would like to know what sorts of things to look out for so that I may approach her if need be.

My mom talks about me being a very happy child until I turned 10. Then in my mom's words I turned "mean".
I have not really looked into this as I just recalled this recently that she say's this and wondered for the first time- WHY!

I think above all my parents are in denial about their own feelings about anything and everything.
When I decided to go on ahead and have my bmom come and visit us my amom threw a FIT. Crying sobbing- how can you do this to me?
She thought I would never talk to her again and she would be like my step mother now-after 26 years. It was TERRIBLE. I did not let her get away with it this time though. I told her about books she could read. I contacted the adoption agency I was adopted thru to put her in touch with a counselor who deals with adoption issues. To date she has not bought any book, spoken to the counselor only once and remains in her sad/happy place.
My mom at age 58 and her daughter age 26 is still not ready to deal with how she feels about having an adopted daughter, infertility, etc.
WHICH is why my life was allowed to be the way it was. EVERYONE was in denial.
She told me well- I'll just get over it.... cause I have to. This was the day after she "freaked out at me" She feels she has no right to her feelings. She does. It is just not MY job to fix it for her. The same as it is not her job to fix my adoption issues.
My dad was on the phone to me. My mom was calling my husband. They were demanding to be there. THEY had always thought THEY would get to be there when I met my BIOMOM. How dare I leave them out. They had been with me thru everything- even a birth of my child.... and I was going to leave them out of this??? It was really quite terrible. It went on all night.
Then the next day my mom calls as if she has lost a child....moping. How are youuuuuu..... Oh.... Im okkkkkkkk.
Can we order some MORE guilt to go with that mom? Thanks.

I am sure it is in the thread we have over in personal growth.
The thing is after she got there it was ok for my mom. They never spoke on the phone but she did hear her voice. She said " you can tell she smokes".
That was my mom's comment.
Yes. She does smoke mom. Lord.
I hate to say it but I know my mom was happy in a way that Sandy left. If she had dealt with her issues she would not have been happy.
My mom also blames me for it. LOL.


I think I read somewhere that it hits in the teen years when pubert sets in and your search for self begins? I had gotten my period that year and started to develop as well.
I had no one to identify with. I did not want to be like and was not like my mom.
My dad took a different job- then a different job- in a desperate search for "success". So he was depressed. I remember spending alot of time with my family in my room- crying. Very odd.... and I plan to ask my mom about it someday soon.
My dad and I fought alot. About everything. He did not like me and wanted me to be submissive too. But I am not.

I don't know of a sign. Like any parent- if they are acting differently.
I would say- Oh this is good.
I think it is important that you tell them if they do not feel comfortable with talking to you about this- Aunt xyz or maybe an adopted adult you trust or someone like that is in their life they can talk to them about anything.
Of course we want our kids to come to us about everything! But with this is it really hard to not feel bad talking to your MOM about wanting your other MOM! No matter how close you are and no matter how open....

You want her to beable to talk openly and honestly to someone who will listen and respect her and not make her feel bad for it. Which even the most compassionate amom may have a hard time hearing things their dd has to say and inadvertantly .....send vibes?
I wonder if there should not be a peer counseling type thing for adoptees? Not to pass around pain or infiltrate others into being "angry" But qualified people to deal with this? As an outlet.

I still can not explain to my mom that my need to see my bmom was not just about how she looked but on a more spirtual level of connection.

I wanted to tell you that recently I had told my ds about my adoption. I never was going to tell him for awhile cause I did not want him to hurt my mom by saying something about it and when Sandy was here we did not tell him who she was. Which I regret big time.

This is what I told him. He had seen something on TV about babies being in orphanages and he wanted to know why etc.
I told him that sometimes moms can not take care of their babies for lots of reasons. Isn't that sad?
Yes- that is sad.
But there are other people who can take care of the babies so they do. And that is not so sad.
The mommies miss their babies very much and are very sad and the babies miss their mommies too- but they have new mommies to take care of them.
And that is called adopted.
Did you know your mommy was adopted? I grew in another moms tummy. Grandmas my mom but I have another mom and I grew in her tummy. Do you remember Sandy? That is my other mom. Just like you grew in my tummy I gew in hers and she was sad but she had to give me to Grandma.
Thats kind of sad huh.

Yah mommy that is sad.
But it is happy to... cause I got to be with Grandma but I missed being with my other mommy too.

Ok.
That is how it went. We were in the car and it was very natural and not weird at all. He has never said anything to my mom about it. Since Sandy will not be around here it is not a huge issue at this point.

I guess I don't want you all hovering over your children as they sleep looking into their dreams waiting for them to crack!
But I would like to see some awareness and understanding that this can and does hurt. It is not anything you have done or can undo really. It will always be a part of your child. You never aren't adopted.

[blessed]

Originally Posted by sonrisaa29

I think my most resentful time was during my teenage years and feeling like I was unwanted but my mom and i struggled through it....

You know, it interesting but many (most?) teens go through rough years during which they feel disenfranchised and unloved. I'm sure if you happen to be adopted it's pretty easy to ascribe a lot of those 'lost' feelings to the biological disconnect with your family.

I used to wish I had been adopted because my relationship with my parents felt so broken and dysfunctional - I was sure that nearly any other grown up would have done a better job raising me than what I was experiencing. Now, as an adult, I realize what is is that my parents DID for me - which was huge, instead of focusing on what it is they might have failed to do for me. Now I feel pretty good about my upbringing. But it took me years and also becoming a parent myself before I gained that perspective.

[Emilie]

Originally Posted by blessed

You know, it interesting but many (most?) teens go through rough years during which they feel disenfranchised and unloved. I'm sure if you happen to be adopted it's pretty easy to ascribe a lot of those 'lost' feelings to the biological disconnect with your family.

I used to wish I had been adopted because my relationship with my parents felt so broken and dysfunctional - I was sure that nearly any other grown up would have done a better job raising me than what I was experiencing. Now, as an adult, I realize what is is that my parents DID for me - which was huge, instead of focusing on what it is they might have failed to do for me. Now I feel pretty good about my upbringing. But it took me years and also becoming a parent myself before I gained that perspective.

Ok. I do not quite know what to say to this.

Can you extend on what you mean to say by this?

[GruppieGirl]

Originally Posted by blessed

many (most?) teens go through rough years during which they feel disenfranchised and unloved.

When I was a teen I was completely self-involved and never thought that teen who wenen't adopted maybe also felt disenfranchised. I felt like I was the only one.

Emilie, It sounds like this post really hurt you. I am sorry for that. I do have to say that it helped me feel a little better about my rough teen years.


Edited...
Emilie, did you change your orginaly post. I could have sworn it said something very different a minute ago?

[Emilie]

Yes. I changed it.
I am aware of the teen years being rough. I have a whole group of friends unadopted who had really rough teen years.
To wish you were adopted and to actually be adopted are two different things.

I am glad you were honest. This is not the first time I have heard this....
I wish I had not been adopted- part of me. Part of me knows it was the only way and my life would be different. Another part of me wonders why my birth mom could not have just took a job at wal mart and raised me.

To feel different from your family while biologically connected and to feel differently while adopted are two different things. While they have common threads- at the end of the day- you ARE related to your family. I was not.

No- It is very common during the teen years to feel totally insane about your odd family. I know that. I just guess I feel this is a way of saying oh- adopted is not a big deal- all kids go thru that and by doing that you diminish how I feel and dismiss it whether you intend to or not.

Just my true thoughts. I am sorry if it comes off rough. My original post was something like. Gee thanks for letting me know this is all in my head or something like that.
Sorry.
EM

[blessed]

Gee Em, I don't think this thread is just about you. My comments were actually in reference to the words of another poster, not yourself.

If it's okay, I'd like to be able to weigh in, both on adoptive families and on difficult childhoods, as I have been affected by both.

[GruppieGirl]

Adoption being equated with rape. I am out of this thread.


To all of the wonderful adoptive parents, I had a great experience. My parents are my best friends. They were meant to be my parents and it just didn't happen the "regular" way. I am a well-adjusted, intelligent and happy adult. Adoption can be wonderful. Kids are kids no matter where or how they are made.

[BCFD]

Originally Posted by averysmom

Adoption being equated with rape. I am out of this thread.

did I miss something here?

[Amris]

Originally Posted by Emilie

Another part of me wonders why my birth mom could not have just took a job at wal mart and raised me.

She probably could have. But maybe that wasn't the life she wanted for you. And it isn't like she could ask you, when you can't speak or understand.

She made a mistake in the people that were chosen to adopt you. That's really painful. I doubt she MEANT for you to end up in the situation that you did.

It's as I stated in another thread... when you allow someone else to raise your child, you put a sacred trust in them to raise that child better than you could have.

it sounds to me, not to oversimplify, but frankly as if your adoptive parents betrayed that trust. They are humans. And humans make mistakes. Sometimes, we make terrible, horrible, huge ones.

:

[Buddhamom]

Wrong forum..SORRY!!

[Emilie]

you are right. This thread is not about me. It is only for adoptees who are not hurt by their adoptiopn. I am sorry for my mistake.
My opinions are not welcome here.
I earlier removed part about adoption. I thought about it before I read this and removed it.
I do feel that my opinion is not welcome here. I have tried to be open and honest and ALSO try not to hurt anyones feelings.
But- it seems that it is easier to not deal with feelings like mine.

Or excuse them.
I did not realize you did not want anyone to reply in response to your post.
I am speaking from the stand point of an adoptee and ME.
I am sorry if you do not feel this is okay. I will go back to the adoptee thread where it is okay to have feelings about my adoption.
Emilie

[Emilie]

One more thing- about the adoption vs rape scenario. I have never used that before. My point was it is insensitive to me to say to someone that they wished they had been adopted- it shows a total lack of understanding for what it actually means to be adopted. I have heard that all my life and I am sure that some kids wish this( or many) but for an adult who is familiar with adoption.

I don't know. I apologoze for the analogy for those who have seen it but at the same point-
That is what it feels like= gpsh I WISSH I had been adopted? Like I should be grateful I have a "reason" to be mad about my family.

[blessed]

Originally Posted by Emilie

My point was it is insensitive to me to say to someone that they wished they had been adopted- it shows a total lack of understanding for what it actually means to be adopted..

Children who are experiencing abuse or neglect at the hands of their caregivers - be it parent or other - often wish they could be adopted by someone else. It's understandable. Children want to be loved and cared for.

It's not about you.

[Mom2lilpeeps]

Hm-mm I am thinking about your last post Em and it makes me sad. I re-read what was written today and did not get negativity from it but that's just me. Obviously it touched a nerve in you. You have shared some of your deepest feelings here and that takes courage. We will not always agree with one another and sometimes things touch us in ways others cannot understand. It is hard to read posts and know the actual intent of the writer because we cannot see facial expressions or hear intonation. It is easy to misinterpret one another. (I am not saying you interpretted anything incorrectly, I'm just saying it can happen) Your experience and your feelings are yours. You own them and they do not have to be justified to anyone ever. Just because we don't all have the same feelings or opinions does not mean we should not be able to have dialogue. I don't think this should be "us" against "them" or making each other feel like we don't "belong". I think sharing different perspectives is important in the adoption triad. I think awareness is key. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't leave! I have more I want to say... but I will PM you later. (if you're open to it)
Again, it takes courage to open yourself up to complete strangers and discuss feelings that run so deeply within your being. If you do decide to leave, know in your heart that you have made a difference by sharing. You are special.

Peace
Candy

[Emilie]

Thanks Candy.
I do not know what the best thing to do is. I feel as if I have wore out my welcome here.
I would be happy to have you pm me. I am open to dialogue as long as it is wanted. I am not someone who does not post- I post on everything when I feel i have something to say. ( I have 6000 posts. LOL)
I do not want to hurt any of you at all. And I have.
It is apparent that this is hard and maybe it is too hard and inappropriate for me to be here being this honest.
I also do not want for my feelings to be put aside about my adoption because I was treated less than. I feel that they run hand in hand and I was abused because I was adopted. You can not seperate the two. For either side.
I am sorry to post things that hurt. I am trying here.
Emilie