is adoption a big 'issue' for you? - Page 11

[Emilie]

Sessa- I am wondering about your life and how it was handled in your family? Do you care to share? We can go about the DON"T DO THAT list but we can also talk about what made a positive impact on you?

I think alot of things impacted me with it. Not just one?

But I am totally a thread hog. LOL. Sorry guys. This just really has been very therapeautic for me to just talk about this! And the thread being so active is nice to. Not for my kids tho- since I am always having to hop on here and check in!

I would love to hear the answers to this. great question.

[Emilie]

That is not pathetic at all.

Hugs mama. you are a woman anyone can be proud of!

Emilie

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by Emilie

Sessa- I am wondering about your life and how it was handled in your family? Do you care to share? We can go about the DON"T DO THAT list but we can also talk about what made a positive impact on you?

Sure, i am happy to share

My birthmom was, well... troubled. My birthfather was not much better. There were lots of problems with drugs and alcohol as well as neglect.
My whole story is in the stickie up top, please feel free to read!

I was raised by my paternal grandmother. So yes, I do have some connection to biology in my life. Bfather existed but was not even close to being involved in my life. He moved halfway across the country.

mom (well gma) was always very honest with me about my bmom. I had her pictures in my baby books and she would tell me stories, the few she knew anyway. I think one thing that was key was that she would talk to me about her without my having to ask. She would just randomly volunteer info and strike up a conversation about her, and my feelings (if I had any) about it, making the whole thing less taboo or uncomfortable. I think that really helped, I never worried about betraying her like I hear some other people talking about.

I wanted to mention something else, waaay earlier in the thread there was talk of physical resemblence and being 'like' your family. I was and am nothing like anyone else in my family, but I never felt wierd about it. I was a fair skinned/freckled girl with blond hair and blue eyes where everyone else in my house was hispanic I also had a very different temperment and personality. O/T but the funny thing is now those physical appearance roles are reversed. I am the one raising a hispanic baby now! LOL!

[Emilie]

Wow! So your mom felt good about it! Big key there! She did not have fertilty issues then I assume?
That is great.
I think that was a big thing for me- my mom did not ever come to terms with not being able to get pg, then accepting that I was adopted, accepting me at all- always worried I'd turn "bad".
Mind you she rarely spoke these things out loud.
Oh- there was also a huge distaste for "poor people" in my home. My mom was a teacher so she dealth with families not so well off alot.
This of course was talked about and I think it had an impact on me since I knew that I most likely came from some of "those" bad people.
I have always wanted to help people less fortunate. While my parents were disgusted or said bad things about the poor.
Just recently at dinner with my parents the show Roseanne came on and my brother and I commented how they would not let us watch that show. My dad said yah- You turned out like her anyway.
My aunt and uncle were there adn I was dumbfounded. This is how my dad sees me?
So later I said something to my mom about it. Who in turn told my dad it hurt my feelings. My mom was so excited to report that Dad said that he probally should not have said that in front of me.
Um no- you should not be thinking it.
They feel they failed because my husband is not white collar I guess.
What a joke. My husband makes more than my dad did when I was growing up.
Whatever.
Sorry- to hijack.
So did you ever meet your bmom?
When did you find out you mom was your grandma?

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by Emilie

Wow! So your mom felt good about it! Big key there! She did not have fertilty issues then I assume?

lol I have to laugh because she had 5 bio kids and then raised me. So nope, no fertility issues
Then again I dont have fertility issues either, really, and my youngest is adopted. But thats a whole other story! LOL!

Yes, she did feel good about it. She did her best to help my bio mom in the beginning, got her an apt, paid her rent, bought her food. She just was not able to parent despite her best efforts.

Originally Posted by Emilie

Oh- there was also a huge distaste for "poor people" in my home. Just recently at dinner with my parents the show Roseanne came on and my brother and I commented how they would not let us watch that show. My dad said yah- You turned out like her anyway.

Emilie I am sorry, that is a crappy thing to say

Originally Posted by Emilie

Sorry- to hijack.
So did you ever meet your bmom?
When did you find out you mom was your grandma?

Hijack away!!! yes I met bmom when I was 16. She had a younger daughter she parented (she was 7 at the time). I honestly wasnt comfortable and didnt have a good time : but at least I got to meet my sister. She gave up a daughter 2 years before me and unfortunately, I never knew anything about her. My grandmother tried to find her but couldnt. She would have taken her too

I dont remember ever finding out she was my grandmother, I think I always kind of new like it was always common knowledge. Just something in the background.

[Emilie]

I have a brother my bmom gave up 4 years prior to me in Oregon state. Do you think of looking for her? I want to look for him but with how bmom is..... I just don't know if I want to push that on him even though I am curious about him.
I have some posts to find him on reunion sites but nothing serious. i could probally find himm quickly if I looked hard enough.

He is 30 this year. I just don't want to mess up his life. I hope he had a good one!

[TigerTail]

Hope it's ok if I jump in (I got brave & read the last page ).

Sesa, it sounds more to me that your situation is closer to my dd, than my own adoptive circumstances. My dh died when she was two, & all she remembers is my ex (we were together for a number of years) as 'Daddy'.

But there were always pictures, she was always in communication with his family, I talked about what he was like & what he liked to do, there were heirlooms to pass on, & she never had to wonder where her curly hair or her freckles came from. THE SECRET was missing, the dysfunction of THE SECRET was not in place. Do you kwim?

Well, I'd say back to 'lurk' mode, but I haven't even done that. RedOak & Emilie, thank you for giving me the courage to peek, anyway.

:

[Emilie]

I always thought bmom would have kids after me. It was really hard that she did not because I was the only family she had.... and in the beginning I was just not "there" yet to be there with her ya know.
Now when I was I waited 2 years to late and she has gotten mixed up with Meth. I am sure she was not on it before. She always did drugs but this meth man.... it is messed up.
It was not weird for me. It had also been 6 years since I had contacted her and I HAD to see her when I did. It was an amazing 2 days that will last a lifetime in my heart. It was very healing and wonderful for me. I want more of it.
I woke up feeling like a whole new me.

Peaceful.
I am now looking for that peace within me.

It was pretty cool tho but would not have been if it was 6 yeas ago for me.
Emilie

[Emilie]

hugs tt. Yes all of our stories are different. Thats some of the reason we all feel a bit different or lots different.

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by TigerTail

Hope it's ok if I jump in (I got brave & read the last page ).

THE SECRET was missing, the dysfunction of THE SECRET was not in place. Do you kwim?

:

I think this is it! I think you hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Thank you! Oh and yes, please feel free to jump in!

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by Emilie

I have a brother my bmom gave up 4 years prior to me in Oregon state. Do you think of looking for her? I want to look for him but with how bmom is..... I just don't know if I want to push that on him even though I am curious about him.
I have some posts to find him on reunion sites but nothing serious. i could probally find himm quickly if I looked hard enough.

He is 30 this year. I just don't want to mess up his life. I hope he had a good one!

Yes actually I do think about meeting her, but like you, I dont want to disrupt her life. She doesnt even know I exist as she came first. I think she was adopted and there is no way for me to know anything about how or where. But if I ever had the opportunity, yes, I would love to meet her. I have always wanted a sister! LOL!

[Sarahbunny]

See, my mom was a lot like Sesa's mom (er...grandmother? I'm sorry, i'm not clear on if you call her mom. I think that you did)...she was very open to talking about my being adopted if i brought it up. And I can honestly say that I never saw any difference at all between how my brother was raised and I was raise (my brother was not adopted) except for the fact that my mom tends to trust in what he says more than me - but I really think that is a man vs woman thing. I don't think it is an adoption thing. In my family, anyway.

I think my mom's problem was more...she has a very narrow, black and white view of how things should be. And she doesn't think anyone else is ever right if they disagree with her and you either agree with her entirely or you disagree with her PERSONALLY. KWIM? You can't really have two viewpoints. So even though I suppose my mom did ask if I wanted to know my birthmother, it was clear what my answer should be, just given my mom's personality.

I don't know if I am being clear on this really. Adoption in and of itself wasn't an issue for me when I was growing up, but I don't know if that is because I wasn't really "allowed" think about it honestly and out loud. Adoption itself was completely normal in my family - my dad, uncle and grandmother were all adopted. But, my mom made it clear to me that my dad never wanted to search out his birthmother. He wouldn't want "to bother her". I mean, you tell that to a child and they will mimic it or something like it back to you.

When I think about it, I didn't start to think about meeting my birthparents until after I was married and I felt more..."free" to think how i wanted to about things, without a major fear of disappointing anyone (as long as I didn't share my thoughts with my family, just my dh). And then it was a interest in seeing what that person looked like. Then it was wondering if they thought about me on my birthday. And wondering if they wondered about me. Then after my birthmother and I met, it was wondering if she was disappointed in how I look. And still wondering if we look alike - I didn't feel comfortable looking at her very much when we met.

Now, it is a issue that i wish I had just left it alone - but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have still secretly wondered all those things. And I wish I had left it alone because it didn't turn out the way I thought it would. If they had turned out better, the I would feel ok with it.

I guess this is pretty rambling. But I think that what kind of issue it is for people will vary with the situation, from person to person. Like anything really.

[Emilie]

Hugs SB. It is all so hard to think about isn't it.
I wish your meeting had turned out better. She loves you and how you look.
Do you have any pictures of her?
I never could tell how we looked alike from pictures till I saw my bio mom. We have the same hands, feet and legs. She is 5'10 and I am 5'5. LOL. I wish I had more pictures of her though. I will have to ask. Now it kinda werids me out since how she snapped at me though and I hate to see her in me sometimes! But it is okay- I would not trade it for the world.
Emilie

[Sarahbunny]

[QUOTE=Emilie;7323460]Just recently at dinner with my parents the show Roseanne came on and my brother and I commented how they would not let us watch that show. My dad said yah- You turned out like her anyway.
My aunt and uncle were there adn I was dumbfounded. This is how my dad sees me?
So later I said something to my mom about it. Who in turn told my dad it hurt my feelings. My mom was so excited to report that Dad said that he probally should not have said that in front of me.
QUOTE]

I loved that show. It's too bad he didn't mean it in a good way, like the fact that that family did seem to care about each other. It reminds me of when my mom asked if I had gained weight, and when I tried to change the subject (after all, what 22 year old wants to discuss that?!?) insisted on me answering. Then when I got mad, she said she was sorry that I was so defensive about it. Sigh. What is wrong with people and why do they not have a censor button?!?

[Emilie]

TigerTails a pretty smart gal.
Glad to see you.
Em

[sesa70]

so another diversion question...

it seems like lots of adults (me included!) ended up meeting their birthmoms at some point in their lives. It seems like doing so is theraputic, or at least knowing you could at any point you wanted to is.

So what would you do if meeting your birthmom was never an option? This is what I worry about for my dd.

[Sarahbunny]

Well, I AM gorgeous, so it could be she was just jealous.

But really, she had a eating disorder when she was younger and so did a biosister and she and her daughters are all very thin...I just felt like maybe she was not pleased that I was a tad more "fluffy" than they are. And she never denied it when i asked, so maybe. But then, she sort of denied that our meeting went so terribly, so I can't really go by what she says. And maybe it was easier for me to pin it on that one issue, since I didn't really understand where it all went wrong

I do have a picture of her - and of the two biosisters. The older daughter and I look quite a bit alike. I saw a lot of similiarities in us, which was pretty neat for me. I can't tell with bmother, I think my memory of our meeting clouds my judgement.

I love it that we know dd's birthmother. They share a dimple in the chin and MANY cowlicks in their hair. I'm so glad that dd will know where she got those features. It makes me smile just to think about it.

[Emilie]

Yes. He did not mean in looks. I weigh 110 lbs. lol. I guess he thinks of them as trashy and that is how he sees me- though he thought he could fix that.
I am way classier than he will ever be.
That is what I mean about their inside feelings coming to the surface. He had worried that I would be"white trash" like my bmom. Then since I did not graduate college and married a working man- I am and he failed in his job to pull me up out of the gutter to make something of myself.
My father has always been afraid of my strength and intelligence.

My mom also used to OBSESS about my weight( they still do- they are weird)
My mom is 5'1 and she was always worried I would not"fit in" to their family and get"big".
I get comments all the time about how I fit right in with being shorter as everyone thought I would get so tall from the info they had.
Too bad I got some big ol boobs to give it away.lol.
( my mom is a size a. I'm now a D)
She freaked when I went into a size 9 as she wears a 2.
Oh I do feel bad for her in her shell. It puts up such a barrier between us. I hate it so.
Emilie

[moonbeem]

Originally Posted by Amris

So, if I did allow someone else to raise my child because I love him dearly, that's the worst message he could receive?

I am confused, truly, please explain to me why that is a bad thing.

the message i internalized was LOVE=LOSS So it became my habit to protect myself from that hurt by keeping my feelings in my head rather than my heart - if that makes any sense. i was NUMB growing up. i knew my aparents loved me because they told me everyday, and they were kind to me and bought me things...but i wasn't really feeling love. I couldn't, the separation from my mother was so painful and nobody knew how to help me process that pain. In fact people celebrated. How confusing. No one was able to see that i felt so different inside. I told them i loved them and went through the motions of "acting" like everyone else.

When I was unaware of my adoption pain; i didn't know that the way i dealt with the emotion of love was so different from what is normal and healthy. For me, love was something to be measured with tallymarks and tests. what i had been doing was keeping my relationships in a rational compartment, not in a warm fuzzy place. when i began grieving my loss and started trying to heal the wounds of separation, my heart opened and i had a glimmer of what love felt like. WOW so frightening. I allowed myself to feel my husbands love...........and it was TERRIFYING for me. It has even been very scary to love my newborn son, i was afraid he would die if i were to love him, because love and loss are so entwined together in my psyche.

That is why i believe the "your mother loved you so much she gave you away" line of reasoning does such a grave disservice to adoptees.

Some adoptee (sorry forgot her name) wrote a piece titled "Everything I loved so much i gave away" and the page was blank.

[Emilie]

I find it hard to tell now with it in ways since she is older than I? LIke show me a pic of you when you were my age! She has aged pretty good for the life she has lead tho so I am hopeful I will to. We'll see. Right now she has a35 yo boyfriend(ie loser deadbeat).

To your question.
To not have that option is very sad to me. Honestly. To always have to wonder and NOT have the option. That would be tough. I always knew I could look for her. I knew the atty who had her name and knew I just had to be 18 to do it.
Sadly when I called he did not keep it confidential and called my dad. But my dad went with me and we found it.
HE was cool about it then. For a little while.
Then it just hurt my mom so bad. I just think she is an adult and has to deal with this stuff to- if I have to!
They were so mean to me about it. My mom still does not understand - at all. and says very hurtful things to me.
She thinks Sandy left cause my house was dirty( it wasn't- but my mom says- well I've seen your house!) But my BIOLOGICAL mother who has waited to be with me all my life would not be leaving my house in a tizzy just because I needed to do a few loads of laundry! She has some drug issues and it was very hard emotionally for her. sure- she sucked and really really hurt me. But my mom loves to blame me for everything. Instead of saying- I am so sorry this happened she wanted to talk about my housecleaning abilities and how now she is sad cause she thinks Sandy thinks bad about HER!!! OMG.
I hate talking about this cause I get so mad at the idiocity.

Emilie