Originally Posted by blessed
The dynamics between some of the discussants in this thread have been interesting to watch. Despite the fact that all participants are grown women, there has a dichotomy whereby many of the adoptive parents are interacting in maternal ways - reassuring, affirming, accepting of all negative behaviors. Meanwhile some of the adoptees assume almost a childish demeanor
I've been thinking of this statement all day, because when I first read it, I thought "yeah, I kinda feel that way about some of the posts, too."
So I've been thinking, and I don't think it's because one group is more mature and one group is more childish. I don't think it's that at all. Think about the title of this thread, and what we've been discussing....for adult adoptees, we're asking them to talk about their feelings growing up, or their feelings of loss as children and adolescents. We're ASKING for discussion about the pain of their childhoods (or the "lack" of pain, for some). If the discussion of those pains comes across as overly angry, or more passionate, or "childish" in some way, why should that be surprising? If a group of people asked me to talk about the pain of being emotionally abused by my mother, to talk about what that *felt* like as a child, teenager, and young adult, I would be using very similar language and tones, I think.
Then there's the adoptive parent "maternal" voice...is it any surprise that we've taken a maternal, affirming tone? I'm sure I'm not the only one, looking at the adult adoptees on this thread and thinking "this could be my daughter." The pain some of the adoptees talk about is one of my greatest fears about adoption...so no wonder that we'd take on a motherly tone, and sort of "practice" our attitudes toward that anger, and affirm it because that's what we've been told to do, and want to do. On some level, when we see adoptive pain we want to reach out and mother.
I don't think anybody here would take on these dynamics if we were discussing anything else--even another topic of adoption. Apart from this thread discussing the pain, I think we'd all just be women with differing and valid viewpoints on various subjects relating to adoption--not "groups" at all. I've said this before and I'll say it again...the emotion, heat, and hurt in this thread wouldn't be the normal state of things if we all lived in this forum, coexisted for a while, and got used to each other. That's a goal worth working toward.
And blessed, while I could just hug and kiss you for being so protective and defensive of my feelings (!)
, I *do* think it's a little tough to tell Emilie that her opinion of her own childhood trauma isn't buyable. Any perceived difference, adoption included, can be an excuse for family members to gang up on someone, or ignore or excuse the abuse of someone that's "part of the normal group." In Emilie's case, it was her adoption that made her different in the eyes of her family. She experienced it, so to me... that's her call.
s, folks. I don't want this line of discussion to stop by any means, but anybody else want to start a thread where we could discuss something else related to adoption? Something else that adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees might want to talk about and bond over? We have a tremendous amount in common, after all....