how to handle a friends child who is not very nice?

[sesa70]

My friends ds is almost 4 and he has some mild behavioral needs. Nothing that you would realize unless his mom told you about them.

Anyway, mom has alot going on. She has been struggling with various issues for years and some days its a struggle for her to simply function minimally. She does have help, lives at home with her mom who helps with her son and he goes to school and daycare several days a week. I have been friends with her for over 10 years, before any of this started.

When she comes over, she is mostly just looking for company and for the most part looks to me to supervise her son. If he is really not handling things well she will step in, but mostly she just hopes I will handle it, as I have said before, she is mostly looking for a break when she comes here.

Now, I am not trying to change her parenting style because frankly I dont think she can handle it. But I am looking for ways to keep the peace when they visit. My dd is 15 months old and so far a very nice child. She has no issues with sharing, and is very good tempered. This little boy on the other hand is very high maintenace. He is not nice to my dd. She adores him, and follows him everywhere. She does not yet realize that he is mean to her, and thankfully has not yet picked up his 'bad' habits.

Just for example, here are a couple of situations that come up:

*he will not share any of her toys with her, and pushes her away when she comes near something he is looking at. He will take toys out of her hand, not b/c he wants to play it seems, just b/c he does not want her to have them. He discardes them after he takes them from her. When she goes to play on a larger toy he will push her off to sit on it, again, he could be occupied elsewhere and comes rushing over to prevent her from playing.

*he will kick and throw things at her when he is angry because he has been told he cannot do something. when he is 'playing' with her he is not very nice... he will purposely throw hard objects at her head and things but its done in almost a pretend/play setting not outwardly mean, kwim?

*he blocks her from coming into her own room then stands at the other end of the block and smiles at her

*he crumples up food and puts it in her hair.

Anyway, he is not like this with everyone, just my dd it seems. I am hoping for some guidance in how I can correct these problems in the short time he is here?

[kewb]

I have been going through a similar situation. To be honest her lack of doing anything to help her child and his inappropriate behavior have cooled our friendship immensely. We used to get together for brunches and dinners. The mom and I used to visit one on one with each other. I can no longer tolerate my children being abused by her child. We are neighbors and the kids do play outside in the warmer weather with all the other kids on the block but we no longer do one on one things. I would probably have more patience for the situation if they would do something. All the mom does is complain about all the school is not doing for her child. He had an IEP done and the school does what is in the IEP. They refuse to medicate, they refuse to try changing his diet (because it is too hard) and they offer him no boundries/guidelines of appropriate behavior.

Re-reading this I don't think I was helpful at all. But I wanted you to know that you are not alone. In my opinion, you need to let the other mom know that she needs to take care of this or your children can not be together.

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by kewb

Re-reading this I don't think I was helpful at all. But I wanted you to know that you are not alone. In my opinion, you need to let the other mom know that she needs to take care of this or your children can not be together.

Oh you have been helpful, if nothing else but to know other people have to deal with this too!

Alot of times I feel like doing just that, letting the mom know hey this is not ok behavior towards my daughter, but she knows it and I dont think she knows or can handle doing anything about it. She will often comment on how he is not nice to my daughter. She will sometimes do things like time out when he hits or spits at her. Not what I would do, but again, not my child. But honestly it doesnt change his behavior and she seems at a loss for what to do. Unfortunately my daughter ends up being the recipient of his meanness :

[xochimama]

There are some great books in the GD booklist, too.

I read your other post about the boy's behavior and it sounds like a really difficult situation. You said (in the other post) that you've known the mom for over ten years; how much can you both talk about how to handle this? Would she be open to committing to a strategy with you? Would she be interested in reading a book herself?

It sounds like her current solution (time outs and hitting) is not working, and in fact may be contributing to the problem. (ie: Mom hits ds which proves that she is "more powerful" because she is bigger. Now he's doing the same thing with your dd.)

So either you need to find a different solution—and she may need/want help with this—or you need to limit the interactions between the children.

I am pretty new to the GD forum, but from what I've read and based on what has resonated with me the most, it's not just a set of procedures to follow in order to achieve a positive result. It's about a kind of parenting committment—a really deep and challenging (for me, anyway!) committment to being thoughtful, respectful, and especially, AWARE of what my child NEEDS at all times, and then responding with empathy and respect. That doesn't mean they get what they want all the time. It means that I take the time to try and figure out what the real source of the problem is. And I acknowledge and respect their feelings (including the feelings like anger and frustration, loneliness, etc.)

You are totally in the right to set the "rules" in your household and if you are comfortable being the disciplinarian with this boy (whether tacitly or openly, it sounds like you have agreed to this), there are strategies for the various specific "misdeeds".

[Tanibani]

I have not been your friend, but... my son has acted that way and I have been at a loss as how to handle it.

What helped me a LOT was attending a Parenting Program (a preschool run like a co-op, but it's really for parent education) so I have learned a lot about GD.

1st - explain to your friend the problem... if it were me, I'd stop seeing her. No need to put your daughter through this stress.

HOWEVER, if you are up for the challenge of helping him learn something different (and teaching your friend) then do it.

Sharing - if he comes over and steals a toy, you are right there and take it back. Stand up for your DD. "She is playing with this now. Do you want it?" Wait for a response. Hold him back from grabbing it. "Use your words. Ask her, "can I play with this now?" Tell him to WAIT for her response. Tell him you can play with it when she is finished with her turn.

His situation is sad... most GD advocates believe (and I think this is true) that Misbehavior is Due to Unmet Needs. He's a) stuck in a daycare where who knows what frustrations he has to deal with daily and b) stuck with a mom who is "checked out". Maybe if she gave him more individual positive attention, things would change.

Becky Bailey - Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline & Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka might help.

[ledzepplon]

If you criticize her parenting, she's not going to want to be your friend anymore.

Why not just say, "You know, I love getting together with you, but I think it's been a little tough on the kids. There's such an age difference. And we need a break anyway. Let's meet up without the kids some time. I could really use an hour or two break at a coffee shop (or whatever)!"

[carmel23]

I just wanted to add the 4.5 can be a really difficult age for boys, in particular. With everything else going on in this little guys life, it might just be too much.

I don't have any good advice, but to you for supporting your friend. Maybe try to find a bigger boy child for him to play with? Is there an older kid in your neighborhood that can come over for a play date (I hate that phrase, still!) and play with him? He might really like that.

[Tanibani]

Originally Posted by ledzepplon

If you criticize her parenting, she's not going to want to be your friend anymore.

I've had friends (& family) criticize my parenting (disciplining or lack-thereof). It did not make me not want to be friends with them anymore.

I usually take it with open ears... "OK let's see if they offer anything helpful..." but I don't hold it against them or anything.

Can you meet at a park, where he can be more free to climb, throw a ball, etc...?

[newmommy]

Sorry, but I have a little boy who acts very similar to what you described ...very age appropriate so keep that in mind!

Contrary to your friend though, I intervene every single time when DS misbehaves.

Since I know DS does not play well with younger children, I simply tailored his playdates to older kids because I cannot handle the stress of intervening every other minute.

He plays very well with older kids and I can relax.

It's not up to You to "correct his behavior". So instead of criticizing her on her parenting skills, I'd simply stop all playdates with each other until her child (and your's) are both a little older to handle the social aspects of playdates.

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by newmommy

Sorry, but I have a little boy who acts very similar to what you described ...very age appropriate so keep that in mind!

Contrary to your friend though, I intervene every single time when DS misbehaves.

.

I do know that alot of what he is doing is age appropriate, but he is also not being taught the correct way to work through some of these concerns. I would not mind if she was more active in trying to prevent the problems, kwim?

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by Tanibani

His situation is sad... most GD advocates believe (and I think this is true) that Misbehavior is Due to Unmet Needs. He's a) stuck in a daycare where who knows what frustrations he has to deal with daily and b) stuck with a mom who is "checked out". Maybe if she gave him more individual positive attention, things would change.

Becky Bailey - Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline & Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka might help.

I totally agree with this, he does have alot of unmet needs. He is a spirited child to begin with, and I think his mom is barely holding on to her own life and just doesnt have enough left over for the 'extra'. She loves him, his basic needs are met, but I can clearly see he needs alot more. He goes to school half a day everyday, then he goes to daycare a few days a week. 'checked out' is a very good way to describe mom. I know she is doing the best she can, and she isnt a bad mom she just has lots of room for improvement. Its just easier for him to feed him toast with cinamon sugar and chocolate milk than real food. Its easier for him to be in front of the tv than it is for her to manage his behavior. She is trying to work through her bipolar/depression, recover from a very bad/toxic/abusive relationship, and a very painful injury. I dont blame her for not being a better mom, I am proud of her for not giving up and trying to get her life together. But its also hard for me to try to manage all this in my usually peaceful home.

[NiteNicole]

I've had friends (& family) criticize my parenting (disciplining or lack-thereof). It did not make me not want to be friends with them anymore.

Then you are the exception. Check around the forum for a few minutes - I think probably 1/4 of the posts come down to "someone is criticizing my parenting and I don't like it." So I would not assume that most people would be ok with some unasked for helpful hints.

That said, if she's not parenting him at your house, I think it's ok to step in on behalf of your child. You don't have to parent him to defend your own daughter (well, defend is a bit of a strong word). You can say, you can not block her from her room, give back the toy, do not crumble food in her hair, etc. That is NOT parenting him, it's doing for her what she can not do for herself. And it sounds like this mom is uninvolved enough (that sounds harsh, I did read that she has a lot going on, so I'm NOT unsympathetic to her!) to be relieved that you're handling it.

[amnda527]

I don't have any advice on how to change his behavior, but is it possible for you to seperate your daughter and him? At least this way you can protect your daughter! I don't know the setup of your house or anything, but I think I would try to maybe keep them in seperate rooms, maybe with the help of a baby gate, as long as both could be supervised. If this couldn't work, I would keep them in the same room, but put them in seperate corners, playing with their own toys. Again, it doesn't help your friend's son with his social skills, but it does protect your daughter. Maybe you could do this until you figure out a way to help her son, if you decide to do that at all. Good luck!

[Terabith]

If you cant meet at a coffee shop or such without the kiddos, I think I would aim for a more neutral location (like a park), where there might be older kiddos to play with and just less structured/ easier on the kid, yk? What he's doing is normal, but it's not okay, and it's brutal on everyone to put him in a situation where you know you either have to intervene continuously or your dd gets abused. Outside is always better, imo.