Helping to pay for a new vacuum

[dharmamama]

On Monday, Desta was angry with me for telling her she had to revacuum the dining room because she had skipped big parts of it. She stomped off and roughly dragged the vacuum around the room, not paying attention to what she was doing. She vacuumed up one of her brother's socks that was on the floor. It has clogged up the vacuum and I can't get it out. The vacuum is not working.

I was planning to buy a new vacuum at some point, but I haven't yet because money is tight. Now, however, we do need one, and I want to buy a new one because every used vacuum I have ever had has not been fully functional.

I was thinking that Desta should have to pay a portion of the cost of the new vacuum since it was her actions that killed the vacuum.

Yesterday she used all of her money to order an American Girl doll, so she has no money left. I was thinking that I could use the money she gave me for part of the cost of the vacuum, and when the AG doll comes, I will keep it until she earns enough money to buy it back from me.

Yes? No?

Namaste!

[Arduinna]

no I would not do it. If you did that to me I'd never trust you with my money again. She gave you the money on faith that you would pay for the doll she ordered. It is not fair to hold her doll hostage after the fact.

And I'd probably just take the vacuum in to be repaired if I couldn't afford a new one.

[2tadpoles]

Depending on the sort of vacuum it is, it might be cheaper to just buy a new one.

I agree with Arduinna about not holding the doll hostage. I think the two of you should decide on how much to spend on a new vacuum, and a set amount that she should contribute, and she can pay it in installments (i.e., whenever she gets some money).

Also, a discussion on making sure things are picked up off the floor prior to vacuuming would probably be a good idea. An ounce of prevention, and all that jazz.

[NamastePlatypus]

i am in the minority here. I would do what you were asking about. I would be honest with here and tell here that you will still order the doll but that her actions have consequneces. It is not like you are being mean on purpose. She need to learn that if you disrespect something, person or object, there are negative results. I have a feeling I will be flamed for this but there is nothing wrong to me about learning consequnses. I think it is awesome that she 'bought' the doll with her own money and that is was not just handed to her for no reason but there is a leason to be learned here:

[1growingsprout]

if i remember correctly you dd is having some behavior issues in other areas? schooling etc??

yes she should pay for part of the repair/new machine... however taking the doll money WITH OUT telling her is a bad idea... but a better option would be to tell her... 'we already ordered the doll, however we need the $$ to pay for the vaccumm, therefore you have to pay off the debt, repair bill BEFORE you get the doll'. sort of a 'lay a way' plan if you will...

on a different note, i have gotten socks in the vaccumm before, genereally i just need to replace the belt, about $5 and 20 mins of time. if the motor still works thats probably what it needs...

in this case id probably 'charge' the child something like 1-2 weeks allowance, $15 etc...

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by 2tadpoles

Also, a discussion on making sure things are picked up off the floor prior to vacuuming would probably be a good idea. An ounce of prevention, and all that jazz.

Oh yes, we have been over that ... as well as you dry the dishes before you put them in the cupboard and that dusting means actually removing the dust, not just re-arranging it.

Yes, Desta does have some issues right now. We're addressing them in counseling and our counselor has suggested that she needs to be held responsible for the outcomes of her choices with concrete consequences.

Also, I certainly would tell her what I was diverting part of her money for. I wouldn't do it sneakily. I would also draw up a chart of extra chores that can be done and how much she can "earn" for each chore so she can earn the doll back as quickly as she chooses.

Arduinna, I see what you are saying about her giving me the money on faith. One thing I didn't mention/explain is that she vacuumed up the sock on Monday and when I questioned her about it (I heard the vacuum go "zzzzzz-rrrrrrrrrrrrrr" the way it does when something gets vacuum up) she strenuously denied vacuuming anything up. She failed to tell me that the vacuum was now not working correctly and continued to vacuuum. Today when I got out the vacuum I discovered that it's all clogged up and the motor is pretty much burned out. Had I known all this on Monday, I would not have allowed her to order the doll until we got the vacuum situation sorted out.

Naamste!

[1growingsprout]

now that i read more of your situation, she sucked up a sock, then LIED about it... burned up the motor and still LIED about it... she definately needs to pay for some of the repairs or new machine..

im soooo sorry you are having these struggles with DD.... stay tough...stay strong... :

[MillingNome]

Your last post changes what I originally thought. She knew the vacuum was clogged, kept going, fired the motor and didn't tell you the truth when you asked her point blank. She is part of a family now. A piece of that has got to be being responsible to one another. If the vacuum broke because of her, that means that the place will get dirty. I know my house would be pretty gross pretty fast w/o a vacuum for even a couple days. Maybe unknown critters will take advantage of that. They have at my house : I think you can take charge of the doll/money. It really does seem to be a natural consequence related directly to her actions. It's one thing if it is an accident. I think we've all run the vacuum over socks and what not. She kept going. Hey rule number one when it comes to holes: QUIT DIGGING! I assuming you'll explain why you are doing what you are doing and try to make it as easy as possible for her to get the doll back. I also like that you aren't demanding she pay for the whole thing. I dunno- I think you're being fairly reasonalble...

[Mama Dragon]

Lets say she bought a doll from the store with that money and was already playing with it....it would have nothing to do with the vaccum. I think that is how it should be now. IMO, she should start fresh and earn the money.

[Starr]

Can you sit down with her, maybe at counseling?, and discuss what happened and ask her if she has any ideas on how to make up for it? Tell her she needs to be held responsible and give her your ideas and see if she also has anything to add.

I'm really torn on wether or not to hold the doll back until she makes up the money. On one hand it would give her incentive to make it up sooner but on the other hand i'm not sure the two things should be grouped together. Is there any special event coming up in the next two weeks or so, that way you could say she needs to earn X amount of money by this date or she can't attend? Do you have friends who could use a mothers helper or a little extra cleaning that she could do the work for?

[BusyMommy]

Originally Posted by 1growingsprout

yes she should pay for part of the repair/new machine... however taking the doll money WITH OUT telling her is a bad idea... but a better option would be to tell her... 'we already ordered the doll, however we need the $$ to pay for the vaccumm, therefore you have to pay off the debt, repair bill BEFORE you get the doll'. sort of a 'lay a way' plan if you will....

:

[BusyMommy]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

Had I known all this on Monday, I would not have allowed her to order the doll until we got the vacuum situation sorted out.

Naamste!

That's pretty significant, I think.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by Synthea™

Lets say she bought a doll from the store with that money and was already playing with it....it would have nothing to do with the vaccum. I think that is how it should be now. IMO, she should start fresh and earn the money.

Yes, I see what you mean.

The doll won't be here until Monday. She could, theoretically, spend the next 4 or five days doing the extra chores and get the doll when it arrives.

Honestly, it's the fact that she lied about the whole thing that makes me feel like keeping the doll until she earns the money makes sense because, like I stated before, had I known what had happened with the vacuum the day that it happened, I would not have let her use the money to buy the doll until we decided how to handle the vacuum situation. Had we gone to the store and spent the money, I would probably still be inclined to keep the doll until she could earn it back.

Parenting Desta is not like parenting our other kids. Desta does not trust us and is having attachment difficulties, so we can't rely on our relationship with her to encourage good behavior like we can with Ramona and Efram. She has other priorities than worrying about how we feel, and a big part of our focus in counseling is working with her to accept us as parents and feel that she doesn't have to be in control of everything to be safe. Desta lived in an orphanage for years. The adults in her life were paid to take care of her, so there really wasn't a reciprocal relationship involved. It's been difficult for her to adjust to the intimacy of a family setting and the give-and-take between parents and kids. At this point, she will only accept a relationship with us on her terms, and she will only reward us with compliance or affection, etc., when we give her EXACTLY what she demands. Our counselor, who has worked with foster and adopted kids for 26 years, is really encouraging us to be more concrete and firm with Desta than we have had to be with Ramona and Efram. It's a completely different style of parenting than we are used to, and when things like this come up I don't always know what to do.

I still haven't decided exactly what to do, and I still have to talk to dh about it. Maybe she will get the doll but still have to earn the money to pay for the vacuum with extra chores (on MY timetable, not hers). I don't know. But thanks for your viewpoints, I really appreciate them. I have told the counselor several times that I feel like the blind leading the blind in this whole "parenting an older child" situation.

Namaste!

[alegna]

How does Desta react when presented with choosing a consequence herself? For some kids that works really well, others not so much- considering her other baggage it may or may not work.

What I'm thinking is sitting down with her and discussing/explaining the situation and asking what SHE thinks should be done. How she thinks she can contribute to fixing the problem.

good luck!

-Angela

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by alegna

What I'm thinking is sitting down with her and discussing/explaining the situation and asking what SHE thinks should be done. How she thinks she can contribute to fixing the problem.

Yeah, that's what we would do in a similar situation with Efram and Ramona. However, the counselor has told us that it's not a good idea with Desta for two reasons: 1) it gives her the control she is seeking and 2) she feels really threatened when she has to make a decision because she's still trying to figure out this whole "living in America/living in a family" thing. One of two things happens when she is called upon to make a decision:

1) She makes a decision that benefits her the most but doesn't really resolve the problem, such as when we discussed what the consequences would be if she continued shoving her brother around (she's 12, he's 3) and she suggested that Efram be punished for bugging her (and by bugging she basically meant daring to exist)

or

2) she gets a "deer-caught-in-headlights" look and sits silently ... and sits and sits and sits and never does make a decision.

I'm really feeling that whatever we decide to do about this, dh and I need to present it as a "here's what happened, here's the consequence" situation. Not a "here's how you screwed up and this is what we're going to do to you" situation, but a "the rule in our house is that if someone breaks something, they help get it repaired/replaced, and that's what happened with the vacuum."

Namaste!

[alegna]

Yeah... thought it might not work with her... Personally I'd leave the doll out of it. She seems to have enough trouble getting a feel for life as it is. I would let her earn the money after that.

-Angela

[dylan]

I don't think you should include the doll...choices were made, permission given etc that had nothing to do with the vacuum...even tho had she told the truth you would have made different decsions.

I think holding her responsible for both the lying (consequence, you shadow her chores until you feel you can trust her again? One idea that my dd would HATE), or extra chores because she needs the practice it seems...and earn the money to pay for the vacuum.

It's a tough one b/c of the fact you would have chosen differently had she told the truth...

Really, you are doing a great job and whatever you decide, the bottom line is she is being held responsible. The rest is really what you feel would be best. I try not to get to hung up on the how's of it, we try so hard to do it "right" that we, as parents, can make ourselves crazy. Whatever you do, with or without involving the doll, she isn't going to be destroyed emotionally (although she may make you think she is). But she will learn that she needs to be more honest and responsible either way.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by Synthea™

Lets say she bought a doll from the store with that money and was already playing with it....it would have nothing to do with the vaccum. I think that is how it should be now. IMO, she should start fresh and earn the money.

[Chicky2]

I've btdt many times w/very similar situations w/my teen. Here's what I would do. I would assign her vacuuming duty for the entire house for the period of 2 wks. I would also not let her play w/the doll during this time, because of the lying. In addition, I would charge her 15-25% of the cost of the new vacuum. I expect my children to respect the things in our household, as well as herself and me (the lying). Good luck, Mama!

[momto l&a]

IMO the doll has nothing to do with the vac so leave it out.