DD was not raised AP from birth

[funkygranolamama]

I may end up Xposting this, don't know if this is the right spot.

When DD was born, I had just turned 20. I smoked (not during preg but after, just as bad), drank alcohol, bottle-fed, had babysitter by the time she was 2 weeks old, and many things just as bad or worse. I was an AWFUL mom. The worst. She was not raised AP AT ALL. I tried to keep her in her crib for sleeping as much as possible, and only brought her in for co-sleeping when we were both so tired that I would give up. I had PPD. So, obviously, she ended up having alot of seperation anxiety that was all my fault. She is 9 now.

Over the years, I have gone to the opposite extreme. DS is now 2 and I plan on CLW. He has been co-sleeping since birth, never in childcare, didn't even spend the night with my parents until he turned 2. We never left him with anyone, in fact, until he WAS 2. I don't smoke or drink, and family is my top priority.

So here are my questions and concerns. How do I UNDO all the damage I did to her as a baby? I am trying my hardest just to AP her as I do my son, but it's so much harder when they are older and have already developed so much. She is a very high needs child and I feel like no matter how hard I work at fixing things I can never make it better. This just makes me want to cry so much.

Have any of you been through these feelings? How did you handle it?

[BelgianSheepDog]

She might have been exactly the same if you had done things differently. Some kids just have intense personalities. I think for all the good AP can do, we really oversell it. It doesn't ruin kids to be parented differently. It doesn't sound like you were abusive to her, just not AP and a little young and inexperienced. I think all you can do is keep doing the best you can. She'll be alright.

[saucebox]

No blame, shame or regret.

Look how much you've changed as a person? I think your personal growth is something to be validated. Look to that when you feel like a dingaling for how you did it the first time.

I also think there is so much more readily available information out there now. Maybe had you more access way back you'd have done things differently.

Quit beating yourself up.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by saucebox

No blame, shame or regret.


Quit beating yourself up.

Yes!

Here's what I would do....

Be tactile with her, hug her, give her rubs/massages especially her feet. When you talk to her communicate with your whole body, not just your head, funny as this sounds, children, especially older children feel when you are really being authentic with them. I subscribe to the the "Good Enough" philosophy of parenting. Let her understand you goof up sometimes, you get stressed sometimes, you don't always do a good job, you are human after all. Many AP parents set goals that are probably way too high when it comes to parenting older kids, do the best you can and let them know you are doing your best, even if sometimes it isn't all that great. I honestly believe that kids do better with good enough parents as opposed to great parents, I have found amongst my friends those that strive to do everything right end up with anxious, neurotic kids - just my experience. My kids understand that sometimes I lose it, sometimes I am stressed, sometimes I get things wrong and that's okay. But they do know I love them.

This post went off on a bit of a tangent.

[AngelBee]

I am so proud of how YOU have grown :

[shayinme]

When you know better, you do better, its as simple as that.

I had my ds when I was 19, I was still learning who I was and sorry to say that did not include anything remotely AP. I may not have been a AP mama but he was loved and I did the best I knew how to do. Well my dd was born when I was 33, and we co-sleep, breastfeed, cloth dipes, the whole AP enchilada. Yes, I feel occasional twinges but as my son who is 15 recently told me he really does not care that he was not BF, etc.. what he cares about is the love that he received and he feels I am a good Mom.

Yes, AP is nice but its not the only way to parent and its really all a process. We know better, we do better. Hell, I never even saw a woman BF'ing until my son was 3, no one in my family BF so for me to feel bad would be stupid. Now if I chose not to after knowing it was best then I would feel guilty. KWIM?

Shay

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by funkygranolamama

So, obviously, she ended up having alot of seperation anxiety that was all my fault.

My older DD was APed and also had seperation anxiety. I think that you need to let go of the guilt and blame, make a list of all the things you did right, and move foward.

She is 9 now.

There is still a lot of parenting going on, and lots more to come! Have you read Liberated Children, Liberated Parents by Faber and Mazlish? It is a wonderful book that is about speaking respectfully to kids. My kids are 8 and 10 and it is one of my all time favorite books.

How do I UNDO all the damage I did to her as a baby? I am trying my hardest just to AP her as I do my son, but it's so much harder when they are older and have already developed so much. She is a very high needs child and I feel like no matter how hard I work at fixing things I can never make it better. This just makes me want to cry so much.

I think that it would help if you visuallized your DD's strengths and focused on those. I think that as long as you see her as "high needs" she will continue to fulfill your expectations. Right now, you are focused on 1) what you did wrong and 2) how screwed up she is. I now this is easier to say than to do, but you gotta stop it!!!!

Make a list of her strengths and focus on those. See her as the strong person that she is, not as a victum. Find out what she is interested in and nurture it, or find a hobby that you can do together. Find a way to have fun with her. I really think that enjoying our kids' company is one of the keys of parenting big kids.

Have any of you been through these feelings? How did you handle it?

Sort of. Although my situation is different, there are things that I wish that I could go back and do differently. I really don't know any one with kids this old who can see, "I have done and said everything exactly the best way possible." It just isn't possible to be the perfect mom for 9 years!! We've all made mistakes. We can learn from them, forgive ourselves, and go foward.

[funkygranolamama]

Thanks for all of your kind words and constructive criticism. My daughter and I have a close relationship now and since we are hsing we do spend alot of time together doing activities and such. It still sometimes seems like I am not fully taking care of her emotional needs, and I don't know if it's really that way or if that is just a guilt deep down inside myself coming to the surface. I am going to try to just forgive myself and move forward. I am a good mom now, although I'm inpatient from time to time (who isn't?). She is a wonderful child, and she does have many strengths. She is creative, a great dancer and singer, smart, and such a little care bear. I really do appreciate all the support you mamas have given me.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

Some kids just have intense personalities. I think for all the good AP can do, we really oversell it. It doesn't ruin kids to be parented differently. It doesn't sound like you were abusive to her, just not AP and a little young and inexperienced. I think all you can do is keep doing the best you can. She'll be alright.

:

[carmel23]

Your daughter still has a lot of developing to do so just love her as much as you have and live and learn! It sounds like, just from your worry and concern, that you are a deeply loving mama. If you weren't, you wouldn't even question what you did in the past--you wouldn't even think about it.

I'm a lot like you--I'm 29 and although I had my oldest when I was 23, we didn't set out to consciously parent ap... we happened to have some older friends that were pioneer ap-ers, so we did alright but I can totally relate to being a young parent.

I think our society doesn't give a lot of support to young parents and so we doubt ourselves a lot because we might not have done things according to what society says is right--first you do this and then that and then when you are 30 you have a baby... well, a lot of us don't do what society thinks and we don't even question ourselves until it comes to where our heart is--our children. So we doubt ourselves a lot and think we might be doing everything wrong, but this just is a sign that we are aware of how important our job as parent is--it is the most important job in the whole world.

so to you mama! You still have a lot of time to spend with your daughter and giving her directed, conscious love--which it sounds like you are doing... hang in there and give yourself a break every once in awhile.

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

She might have been exactly the same if you had done things differently. Some kids just have intense personalities. I think for all the good AP can do, we really oversell it. It doesn't ruin kids to be parented differently. It doesn't sound like you were abusive to her, just not AP and a little young and inexperienced. I think all you can do is keep doing the best you can. She'll be alright.

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! What a refreshing attitude. I totally agree.

[lovingmommyhood]

Also, my 7 month old has been very AP'd and he has separation anxiety. He cries when a new person looks at him. He's so cute.

[maxsmum]

This just made me think about my own mom, she changed dramatically from the time I was very young and was a different person by the time I was about 10 years old. I witnessed it and it had a powerful effect on me. Your daughter has witnessed these positive changes and will be able to use you as a role model.

[marybethorama]

First of all-you're doing a great job. You're making positive changes.

I agree with those who said that the fact that you didn't "ap" your daughter doesn't mean that's why she has separation anxiety. Even "ap"ed kids have that sometimes. There really are no guarantees.

I really like the book "Hold on to Your Kids" It doesn't have advice so much but it has a really good discussion on maintaining connections with older kids.

[Mama Poot]

I had my first at 20, my 2nd at 21. I smoked through ds1's pregnancy and part of ds2's. We all do the best we can. I refuse to kill myself with guilt. I have a hard life right now and if a little tobacco helps me not scream at my kids then so be it. Obviously i don't advocate or recommend people smoke or drink or do any of that, but we all have our vices. I've as "AP" as possible from the start. No one is perfect, and you sound like you're doing a heck of a lot better than me. Give yourself some credit

[apple_dumpling]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

She might have been exactly the same if you had done things differently. Some kids just have intense personalities. I think for all the good AP can do, we really oversell it. It doesn't ruin kids to be parented differently. It doesn't sound like you were abusive to her, just not AP and a little young and inexperienced. I think all you can do is keep doing the best you can. She'll be alright.

ITA, and well put. My dd has been AP'd from birth, we coslept, BF, GD, etc. And she is an intense child... very high needs, and at two, still has some pretty severe seperation anxiety. It's just her personality and I have learned to embrace it. I also know that nothing I would have done differently would have mattered, it's just who she is. The past is the past, and it sounds like you are moving forward in a very positive manner. I'd just keep doing what you are doing now, and your dd will be just fine.

[pilllowhead]

I have really been going through this these last couple of months as I only stopped working in the summer and have worked out all the things I should have done, even though I wanted to AP the whole time. I am pregnant with my second and do feel that guilt about what mistakes I (hopefully) won't make with this one (but probably will) and how it isn't fair to my beautiful Oscar. What I am coming to accept is that children choose their parents and for whatever reason the growing that I needed to do is what Ds has needed and in some ways he is very lucky for, while I wasn't perfect, he will always be that little bit closer to me than any of my other children because since I had him at 22 I have grown lots and he has experienced that and he has done all of those fun things with me that sane parents wouldn't dream of doing and despite all of my mistakes (as I see them on a bad day) I have always loved him and done the best I could and he has made me a better person. (Maybe he chose me because I needed him?)
You are a wonderful person for wanting to do your best, that says more about your relationship with your daughter than anything else